How do I move on without closure?

A little background - very early in my relationship with my fiance he broke up with me seemingly out of nowhere, it lasted a matter of days and when we finally made up after talking it through he told me he had gotten spooked as he had been "safe and single" for so long. He has had several really rather awful relationships so obviously carries some emotional baggage.

Fast forward to now, just reaching a year on from then my fiance broke up with me over the phone just under a week ago. There was no inclination this might be coming, everything had been normal and he even told me whilst breaking up that he loved me. (I'm now understanding this must be a pattern of behaviour) He had some excuses that didn't add up so I gave him the evening and went to speak to him the following day and to collect my belongings. He told me he panicked on the phone and would do better putting his thoughts in writing so I asked him to do so as I couldn't understand why out of nowhere he was doing this. He looked very emotional and I can't help but feel there's something more that he's just not telling me or doesn't want to tell me. 5 days on and he hasn't contacted me, I sent him a message a few days back simply asking for him to please write to me so that I could understand what happened. He's read the message but has not responded. A friend of mine frequents the pub he works in and told me he's spent the evenings he finishes work early sat alone, not drinking and looking miserable.

Am I wrong to have false hope he regrets his decision? And if that's not the case how on earth do I move on from this with no understanding of what brought this on so suddenly? I'm so soul crushingly distraught over this. I've not eaten since the day before he broke up with me, I'm barely sleeping even with the help of pills. I spend each day crying to the point of exhaustion. My whole life has been ripped from under me with no reasoning behind it. I've had to move in with my elderly grandfather, I don't drive and I have no way of easily tracking my fiance down to get my answers or to help him if that's what he needs.

What happens if you marry him and he files for divorce every year? How do you think you'd handle that?

Your "closure" is realizing this is a man who just plain does not want to get married. Luckily for you he didn't follow through with marrying you and having a couple of kids because it would be much more difficult to deal with his yearly breakups when you have children.

I appreciate it seems like that and you're probably correct. He asked me to marry him after being together for 4 months. I told him I love him but we didn't even live together so to ask me again when we we're more secure. He did and we agreed we'd elope but he couldn't help himself and he told everyone he was going to marry me. He told me over and over he wanted me to be the mother of his children. We had such a close and wonderful friendship and relationship and I think he spooks himself easily when things hit him. I know that's not what I should put up with and that should be enough but I feel so hopelessly in love with him and I know he loves me too but there's something he's obviously dealing with that he apparently can't do in a relationship and I don't know how I can move on without an answer as to why this happened or what changed his mind or if I'm giving up too easily.

So if he tells you "Look, I just don't want to get married" would that be enough explanation?

I understand he says he wants to marry you but he doesn't follow through and instead chooses to break up every 12 months. I'd pay attention to his actions, not his words.

You're never going to get closure because he's a bona fide commitment phobe, an emotional mess and doesn't know what he's feeling himself except that he gets spooked when things get real.

I mean look at your history together.

Early on he got "spooked" for no reason and bailed, no explanation.

Days later you get back together and he asks you to marry him within four MONTHS? And wants to have your babies?

Seriously, may I ask what you were thinking joining him in this fantasy?

What's happening now is reality hit, as it typically does with most commitment phobes, he got spooked and once again bailed.

Sweetie, the dude's got serious issues, fears up the kazoo, re relatiionships, emotional intimacy, marriage and most likely a slew of other things.

I know you love him but you get closure by realizing he's a mess and you dodged a bullit.

It takes many years to resolve issues such as his, so you'd be wise to wish him the best and move on once and for all. I'm sorry.

BTW, my brother is the same, struggles with these same fears, issues, so I know a bit about it.

He's broken many many hearts and utterly devastated many women over the years.

Good luck.

Edit: Be prepared for him to return at some point begging forgiveness, he may even cry.

If you go back, also prepare yourself for a repeat performance.

I had a friend who went through this exact thing for seven years with her "fiancé" - he finally bailed for good. It literally destroyed her, she had a mental breakdown, has lost complete trust in men and has not been able to sustain a RL since.

.

It hurts to admit it but that sounds obvious to me now reading it like that. Reality is if he did decide he wanted to get back together the weak love sick side of me would be all for it but I know I'd be treading on egg shells waiting for it to happen again because this is obviously who he is. I'm scared I'll never trust again now too after this. Once at the beginning I can forgive but this is proof he has some real issues. I don't disbelieve his feelings for me but I guess that's just not always enough.

I hear you, actions speak louder than words. I guess I'm just struggling to comes to terms with that as what we had up until he bailed was just so perfect. I've never been happier and never felt to secure in my future so it's a hard one to swallow after having it all ripped from under me.

That's typically how it goes down T, things may have seemed "perfect" but please understand these types can literally go from being madly in love one day, to it's over the next.

That's what's so devastating..

I would advise you to not waste time or energy attempting to "figure it out." Or trying to "understand" him.

You never will and will only drive yourself crazy (literally) in the process.

i am so sorry, I've seen how this very thing destroyed many women my brother dated, had relationships with, were engaged to, and I'd hate to see that happen to you.

Moving forward, whenever a man you're dating tells you he's "spooked" "scared" or "confused" and breaks up with you, wish him well and keep moving, do not go back. It's a huge red flag he has commitment fears.

Also beware of men who rush in fast, like wanting to marry you and have babies within only months of dating you.

Clear indication he's fantasy-driven and once reality hits, he's off and running.

Just like what happened here.

Katrina is spot on!

Commitment phobes are notorious for for rushing into relationships, expressing desire for commitment and when they “commit” they then tell the world about it.

But they NEVER commit!

They are like a whirlwind in your life. They come as quickly as they go leaving destruction behind them.

They always have a trail of apparently messy relationships, yours will be another one to that list to his next girlfriend.

Was he engaged before?

Don’t be surprised if he comes back, he most likely will, but please don’t allow it.

Because one day he will leave for good. Let it be this time.

Good luck and sorry this happened to you.

You don't get closure from asking the dumper to explain it - they are unlikely to tell you the real truth, and you just get cliched 'you deserve someone better' etc.

Kat pretty much nailed the probable reasons why, anyway.

Closure comes from within yourself, by coming to terms with what happened and possibly learning from it.

It is less than a week on. The not eating/sleeping is normal and part of the grief process.

It is a hard road, and when the shock wears off you'll probably get angry. You should try and embrace that angry energy - exercise is good.

After that, there is an urge to bargain with the ex - it is best resisted, because nothing good comes out of it.

These things aren't exactly linear, and you wanting that explanation could be some bargaining behavior.

There are some later stages to the process, but after a long relationship, they are months away.

Importantly, now, block contact with this guy, get out in the fresh air and exercise.

I'm sorry that this happened.

I would ask, how many more break ups can you take? For me, two would be my limit. You can't count on this guy. Be thankful that you did not marry. He is not a keeper.

I hear you, actions speak louder than words. I guess I'm just struggling to comes to terms with that as what we had up until he bailed was just so perfect. I've never been happier and never felt to secure in my future so it's a hard one to swallow after having it all ripped from under me.

Was it, though?

He bailed early on too, and was asking you to marry him after just 4 months. There were signs this wasn't as rosy as you're telling yourself.

I know it's hard to concede now, but this man is not marriage material. Being "spooked" like this would make a marriage just about impossible, with him likely to be the type to back out days before the wedding or walking out on you soon after. It is going to hurt for a while; however, he has probably just saved you from a painful marriage that wouldn't have lasted.

Sorry this is happening. He does not want to get married and you do. It's that simple. You are incompatible and it has surfaced before. Collecting your belongings and breaking up is the closure.

he had been "safe and single" for so long.

He told me he panicked on the phone and would do better putting his thoughts in writing so I asked him to do so as I couldn't understand why out of nowhere he was doing this.

I've had to move in with my elderly grandfather, I don't drive and I have no way of easily tracking my fiance down to get my answers or to help him if that's what he needs.

...very early in my relationship with my fiance he broke up with me seemingly out of nowhere ... he told me he had gotten spooked as he had been "safe and single" for so long.

He gave you your closure from the gate, you just didn't take it. He's just confirming for you what he showed you from the start: he's not someone who can be trusted to be a partner, much less a husband. So you've dodged a bullet--a bit late, but there's no time like the present to move your focus forward toward building the kind of bright future that will give you the backbone to never tolerate a flake.

Head high, and create your own closure. You will thank yourself later, because this guy has already showed you everything you need to know about him. So the question becomes, will you heed that warning and make the right choice for yourself to move forward?

Was it, though?

 

He bailed early on too, and was asking you to marry him after just 4 months. There were signs this wasn't as rosy as you're telling yourself.

 

I know it's hard to concede now, but this man is not marriage material. Being "spooked" like this would make a marriage just about impossible, with him likely to be the type to back out days before the wedding or walking out on you soon after. It is going to hurt for a while; however, he has probably just saved you from a painful marriage that wouldn't have lasted.

This!

I thought I responded but I must not have pressed submit. I was gonna ask, did you find his asking you to marry him after 4 months as a red flag or did it make you happy. He love bombed you and instead of running away you latched on.

It took me aback and I did say that it's something we should be talking about once we've established ourselves (moving in etc). He asked me again 6 months on from then and to me I saw it as this is something he still wants after living with me and now I do too so let's do it.

I struggle with confidence and my last relationship lasted 7 years and we essentially were nothing more than friends so it was new to me feeling loved like that and I could agree I latched onto it. To me I saw it as "this is how love is meant to be".

I evidently don't see "red flags" but I've not had any prior experience with them other than drinking or drugs. People are complex and I always look for the good obviously to my detriment.