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Thread: Is this Salvageable?

  1. #1

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    Is this Salvageable?

    Hi,

    Iíve recently broken up with my girlfriend of 13 months back on January 6th. I was the dumper and she was the dumpee. Basically, Iím going through dumperís remorse and I want nothing more than to be back with her.

    Background:
    We met back in October-November of 2016. We never became official, She was the first girl I ever pursued and she took away all my firsts. (I was not her first). We had a fling for about 1 month and out of nowhere, I ghost her. I found out she had a bad family background, she was emotionally unstable and had depression. We were young, she was 17 and I was 18. I had never dealt with self-harm or depression and I became scared of the though and I ended up running away from the responsibilities.

    Fastforward to November of 2017, I see her again during black friday. She does not see me, but I saw her and became infatuated immediately. Between last year and now, I had not seen or dated anybody. When I went home, I immediately texted her ( super late ) basically apologizing for ghosting her and asking if we could be friends. She accepted and we began talking again.
    She honestly wanted nothing to do with me, for the next 3 weeks we would hang out, but she would try her hardest not to show interest. Needless to say, she had trust issues because she knew I ghosted her because of her issues. I reassure her when we become official that I loved her regardless of everything.
    Basically one night (early December 2017), we were out super late and she offered to let me sleep over so that I didnít have to drive home late. That night was basically the spring for our relationship and we spilled our feelings out to each other. We became super lovey-dovey and I chased her super hard until we became official on February 7 of 2018. We were exclusive starting december and that was basically the start of our ďhoneymoonĒ phase.
    So, basically this phase was short-lived on my end, I grew complacent and began taking her for granted. She was still head over heels for me and would always put in the love and effort. Our relationship grew into a routine (I did not mind it and in fact it made me happy), but for her she wanted more excitement. She was happy, but it started to gnaw at her. She became irritable easily and would pick fights with me over the smallest things.
    At the end of October, I broke up with her (For like 3 hours!) because of the accumulation of stress from school and these fights. We got back together the same night and were happy again.
    In November of 2018, I found out that a highschool friend of mine had passed away. It was the first death of a close friend I had ever experienced. Sheís experienced death before and tried to comfort me, but I just shut her out and basically we had an argument. I wasnít in the best place. She blocks me on socials and doesnít talk to me after this.
    About 3 weeks later (The day before christmas) she comes asks if we can talk and I agree. We meet in person and basically sheís asking if we can work things out because her heart feels heavy and she wants to be with me. At first, I say no because she basically tried to cut me out of her life on the spot while I was going through a really rough time. It felt disrespectful as if she wasnít trying. However, after we leave, I breakdown in my car. I text her back saying I do want to be with her and if we can take things slow. She accepte my proposal and we start talking again.
    This would last until January 6 of 2019. I broke up with her over the phone because the night before she felt controlling. She was drinking and she was being upset with me because I was drunk and not responding to her ( We were at different parties ).

    I was stupid, looking back I was just angry in the moment. I didnít even try to fix the issue, I just decided to break up with her without working things out. I regret it so much.

    I found out 6 days later, she posts a text log of a new guy on a twitter who is already calling her ďSweetheartĒ and on valentines another of ďI wanna cuff youĒ ( as in make you my girl )

    For the next month I would send breadcrumbs ( I miss you texts etc.). With no responses.

    On february 18, a friend tells me that she is with the new guy and I kind of freak out. The next day I call her and surprisingly she picks up. We talk and I try and tell her I miss her and want to be with her. She tells me that itís too late to realize what you had. ďIím finally happy nowĒ stuff like that.
    If you need a more detailed explanation of the call I can talk about it in the comments.

    So basically, the roles are flipped and I basically became the dumpee.
    I convinced myself that ďOh this is just a rebound, I can just win her back no problemĒ

    I donít handle this too well and I go full out desperate and needy. This is before I read about NC.
    I would send her texts of reminiscing memories, how much she meant to me, how amazing she was, how much I wanted to be with her. I would send her old pictures and videos of us.
    I got so depressed that I actually self harmed three times. I told her and she told my friends. She didnít say anything to me she just told my friends.

    There was one night I wasnít feeling well. I asked if I could come over and talk. I was parked across her house and begged to see her. I told her that I would come in ( I didnít, I understand this was manupulative and scary) she called a mutual friend to come out and talk to me.
    (I know that this was a scary thing of me to do and I regret it a lot, this pushed her so far away)

    Sheís been telling me to stop contacting her, but at the time and barely now, I couldnít control myself emotionally.
    I began trying to figure out where she goes and where her boyfriend lives etc. because sheís been sleeping over almost every night.
    So this goes on until March 30. So basically 1 1/2 months of begging, pleading, and following.
    Keep in mind, this entire time sheís been telling my friends everything. She wanted them to help me stop and to leave her alone. She threatened a RO for a months and I kept deluding myself into thinking she wouldnít actually do it.

    I got upset and Iím ashamed to say it, but I keyed her car and flattened her tires. I didnít slash them, just let the air out.

    She says sheís going to do it, I havenít been served yet so I donít know if she bluffed or not, weíll see.

    Honestly Iím super ashamed of myself. I told myself a month ago that I would start NC, but I wasnít emotionally strong enough to keep to it. She knows that Iím a super genuine and kind person, so her seeing me like this is 100% a complete shock and 180. Sheís never seen me become emotional or lash out. I was always the super logical person in the relationship and she was the emotional one. It sucks because she thinks Iím crazy right now even though sheís known me for well over a year.

    Iím starting to implement NC now, its been 5 days and I know she must hate me now.
    I know that NC is supposed to be for me, but do you think at this point ( IF I donít get served ) sheíll be able to forgive me eventually? And have hope at reconcilliation?
    It sucks because of how I deluded myself into thinking that her new relationship was just a rebound thinking I could win her back. I mean come on, 6 days after our breakup youíre already flirting with a new guy?
    Sheís the type of person who needs someone in her life, but was it really that easy?

  2. #2
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    Dude, I know you are here for support but I gotta be honest with you and tell you, your behaviour was not good at all. In fact it was REALLY BAD. I know you are probably only about 20-21 years old and I understand that this girl was your first everything and you are not that experienced with relationships. But I gotta say, you behaved very immaturely for most of the relationship and you have a lot of growing up to do.

    I don't think you appreciated this girl at all and you thought that you could just keep playing with her, dumping her and do as you pleased, and that you could always get her back. I think now you've been given a taste of your own medicine and you can see that you can't always just treat someone like garbage and that they'll be your faithful puppy forever. Most people would not accept that kind of treatment and you were very lucky that she kept giving you so many chances.

    First of all, if you like or love someone, you have to like them as they are, warts and all. Ghosting and running away from someone you're dating just because they have depression and anxiety is cowardly and lame. In fact just ghosting in general is really lame. Your ex really gave you a chance when she still wanted to see you after that.

    When your friend died, it sounds like your girlfriend just wanted to be there for you and support you, but you totally pushed her away. I agree that her blocking you on all social media and ignoring for THREE WEEKS was very wrong and immature. You do not do that when you're in a relationship, she should have communicated with you.

    Then you broke up with her for three hours, then eventually broke up with her again. You broke up with her for no good reason other than that you're drunk at a party. The immaturity level is very high here!

    I mean are you really surprised that after everything you did to her, she doesn't want you back? Now you have been full on stalking and harassing her, and you also keyed her car. You have been told very plain and clear that she did not want you, which was the point at which you should have left her alone. You have been acting like a total creeper and psycho. I found it funny that you ghosted her due to her mental illness, but I wonder whether you actually have some mental health issues yourself.

    Your ex does have a full right to file a restraining order against you on very good grounds of stalking, harassing and deliberate property damage. I think you really need to learn your lesson here that you don't just own people and they are not your puppet to mistreat and do with as you please. And when you don't get your way you push and push and damage her car. Just no words really.

  3. #3

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    No yeah, I completely agree with you.
    1. When I ghosted her I was a complete . I wasnít ready to be with her and she expected us to get together. We never became official or anything. I do agree I was being immature.
    2. When I reconnected with her, we did talk about the event of the previous year. The breakups after this had nothing to do with her mental illness or anything. In fact I loved her regardless of everything. I came back knowing all of this.
    3. The relationship was not bad, we both loved each other and spent most of our year together really. Yes, I did take her for granted and there were little things like not verbally telling her enough that I appreciated her and what not.
    4. I mean of course I didnít break up with her drunk. We talked about what happened the day after. She basically attempted to cut me off again because I wasnít responding to her the night before due to me being unable to really type coherently. I got upset because this was similar to when she cut me off a few months before. She apologized for doing it, but I was too high-strung to really accept it.
    5. No yeah, I said it previously, Iím ashamed of what Iíve been doing. I am seeing a psychologist soon. I was severly depressed towards the beginning of this. Loss of apetite, no motivation, never leaving the bedroom. Self harm issues and contemplation (not attempt) of suicide. I completely agree Iím not mentally well myself at the moment. That isnít to say that I was also like this during the relationship (I wasnít) all this behavior appeared post-breakup.

  4. #4
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    You do not treat women well. At all!
    Leave her alone. She deserves better than you!

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  6. #5

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    Originally Posted by ExcaliVu
    No yeah, I completely agree with you.
    1. When I ghosted her I was a complete . I wasnít ready to be with her and she expected us to get together. We never became official or anything. I do agree I was being immature.
    2. When I reconnected with her, we did talk about the event of the previous year. The breakups after this had nothing to do with her mental illness or anything. In fact I loved her regardless of everything. I came back knowing all of this.
    3. The relationship was not bad, we both loved each other and spent most of our year together really. Yes, I did take her for granted and there were little things like not verbally telling her enough that I appreciated her and what not.
    4. I mean of course I didnít break up with her drunk. We talked about what happened the day after. She basically attempted to cut me off again because I wasnít responding to her the night before due to me being unable to really type coherently. I got upset because this was similar to when she cut me off a few months before. She apologized for doing it, but I was too high-strung to really accept it.
    5. No yeah, I said it previously, Iím ashamed of what Iíve been doing. I am seeing a psychologist soon. I was severly depressed towards the beginning of this. Loss of apetite, no motivation, never leaving the bedroom. Self harm issues and contemplation (not attempt) of suicide. I completely agree Iím not mentally well myself at the moment. That isnít to say that I was also like this during the relationship (I wasnít) all this behavior appeared post-breakup.
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You do not treat women well. At all!
    Leave her alone. She deserves better than you!
    I like how all blame is being pointed at me right now. Yes post-breakup I was not a good pereon. Iím sure Iíve already admitted to being ashamed and realizing this. However, during the relationship I was not the abusive one. She was emotionally and verbally abusive during our relationship, hence the buildup of stress. That is why I chose to breakup on those occasions. However, it did not seem right to me as I did love her.
    Not only that, she would want to breakup with me every other week because of small issues like not taking her out, etc. So, opposed to me trying to break up with her twice, she would constantly try and break up with me. Every breakdown she would have she would tell me she appreciated me being there, but then a week later sheíd say something like ďYou never help me, you never know what to do.Ē This obviously made it hard for me to know throughout whether I was even being helpful with her or not because she would switch from yes you are to no you arenít constantly.

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Dude, I know you are here for support but I gotta be honest with you and tell you, your behaviour was not good at all. In fact it was REALLY BAD. I know you are probably only about 20-21 years old and I understand that this girl was your first everything and you are not that experienced with relationships. But I gotta say, you behaved very immaturely for most of the relationship and you have a lot of growing up to do.

    I don't think you appreciated this girl at all and you thought that you could just keep playing with her, dumping her and do as you pleased, and that you could always get her back. I think now you've been given a taste of your own medicine and you can see that you can't always just treat someone like garbage and that they'll be your faithful puppy forever. Most people would not accept that kind of treatment and you were very lucky that she kept giving you so many chances.

    First of all, if you like or love someone, you have to like them as they are, warts and all. Ghosting and running away from someone you're dating just because they have depression and anxiety is cowardly and lame. In fact just ghosting in general is really lame. Your ex really gave you a chance when she still wanted to see you after that.

    When your friend died, it sounds like your girlfriend just wanted to be there for you and support you, but you totally pushed her away. I agree that her blocking you on all social media and ignoring for THREE WEEKS was very wrong and immature. You do not do that when you're in a relationship, she should have communicated with you.

    Then you broke up with her for three hours, then eventually broke up with her again. You broke up with her for no good reason other than that you're drunk at a party. The immaturity level is very high here!

    I mean are you really surprised that after everything you did to her, she doesn't want you back? Now you have been full on stalking and harassing her, and you also keyed her car. You have been told very plain and clear that she did not want you, which was the point at which you should have left her alone. You have been acting like a total creeper and psycho. I found it funny that you ghosted her due to her mental illness, but I wonder whether you actually have some mental health issues yourself.

    Your ex does have a full right to file a restraining order against you on very good grounds of stalking, harassing and deliberate property damage. I think you really need to learn your lesson here that you don't just own people and they are not your puppet to mistreat and do with as you please. And when you don't get your way you push and push and damage her car. Just no words really.
    I posted a reply after this, but I wanted to also say that the ghosting wasnít an issue once we started dating. She didnít give me another chance. We simply became friends the year after and we started being romantic afterwards.
    I also have another reply afterwards, since people are putting all the blame on me. I left out a lot of details of our relationship, only putting when we basically break up. So yes, my post breakup behavior was terrible, but it seems you guys are taking it as if thatís how I acted while we dated?
    Or the fact that I ghosted her the year prior dating her. We settled on it before dating, as we both believe that the past donít define each other. But of course, you guys are free to say what you want. You say that I treated her like a ďpuppetĒ I donít really understand where that came from either.

  8. #7
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    You two are not compatible. You were seriously unhealthy together.

    I hope you mature and learn how to treat women.

    Learn from this, and move on. Relationships should not be this difficult.

  9. #8
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    Well in your original post you didn't mention that your ex-girlfriend was doing those things at all e.g. threatening to break up so I just wonder why you're only mentioning it afterwards....I think from everything you've written that you are completely wrong for each other and it's a very toxic relationship. It really doesn't sound that it was ever going to work out. So I think at this point you need to completely delete and block your ex on everything and never contact her ever again.

    Right now your main priority should be your mental health issues and continuing your therapy. I think you really need to keep working on your depression, etc. and really examine why you were behaving the way you did after the break-up.

    I know you realise this now but I simply cannot stress enough how bad your behaviour was after the break-up, it is not normal at all.

    The reason why I said you were treating her like a puppet is because you broke up with her twice but then changed your mind and wanted her back. She said very clearly to both you and your friends that this time she did not want you back. YOU were the one who broke up with her. So what I'm trying to say is if you break up a couple of times, the trust is broken and it doesn't mean that just because you then changed your mind, that person HAS to take you back.

    It's OK to try to reconcile at first but when you very repeatedly continued to message her (though you were getting no reply), you also physically stalked her and her boyfriend! Then you were so angry that you weren't getting your way that you keyed her car. I really want you to see that this behaviour is of someone very mentally unstable. Just because you're not getting your way does not give you the right to act like this. Honestly you were acting scary and like someone out of a thriller/horror movie!

    It doesn't matter how the relationship itself was, the relationship was over (which you ended), your ex was already with another guy. At that point your behaviour was completely unacceptable. And I'm not saying it was just immature because you're young. Stuff like ghosting was immature. This was just full-on disturbing.

    Don't ever do that again because seriously you could easily get arrested by police and you could have a criminal record.

  10. #9
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    No, there is no hope of reconciliation.

    This is an extremely toxic situation with you losing control of your emotions and behaving incredibly inappropriately. Are you in any sort of treatment to deal with your issues, OP? Following her and vandalizing her property and self-harming point to much bigger mental health struggles that you simply must get help for.

    I am sure there were some good points in the relationship. But they don't override the general dysfunctional dynamic and damage done. She is not coming back.

    What to do now? Stay away from her, in all manners, for good. You are already on thin ice legally and one more wrong step will land you in a lot more trouble that won't easily go away. Find yourself a good psychiatrist to help you understand what's going on with you and recommend a consistent course of treatment. This is no way to live, man. Use this as your turning point to get the help you very clearly need, so you can find your way back to emotional good health, and someday, a happy relationship with someone else.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    No, there is no hope of reconciliation.

    This is an extremely toxic situation with you losing control of your emotions and behaving incredibly inappropriately. Are you in any sort of treatment to deal with your issues, OP? Following her and vandalizing her property and self-harming point to much bigger mental health struggles that you simply must get help for.

    I am sure there were some good points in the relationship. But they don't override the general dysfunctional dynamic and damage done. She is not coming back.

    What to do now? Stay away from her, in all manners, for good. You are already on thin ice legally and one more wrong step will land you in a lot more trouble that won't easily go away. Find yourself a good psychiatrist to help you understand what's going on with you and recommend a consistent course of treatment. This is no way to live, man. Use this as your turning point to get the help you very clearly need, so you can find your way back to emotional good health, and someday, a happy relationship with someone else
    .
    I second this entire post. OP, your behaviour has been unbelievably out of line and you need professional help - the sooner, the better. The best thing you can do right now is leave her alone and never contact her again. Then move on, learn from this and most of all get the therapy you so obviously need and work on all of your issues so as to never do this again in any future relationship.

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