Why my husband watches porn after we had sex?

Hello I been married for about a year and me and my husband been together for about 3 years.

We have some bumps but he loves me and I love him the same. Here is my question. When we started dating we had sex a lot. Like every day or night whenever we could. And it’s been slowing down which i understand. He is a huge gamer and I go to sleep before him. And sometimes he wakes me up and we have sex. About twice a week.

Well I miss the old him but I understand when I asked him that why you don’t want me like you used to? And he said my testosterone went down or I go to sleep before him. Of course we have kids so I needs to go to sleep can’t stay up til 2 am... or later. But I know for a fact he watches porn almost everyday. He takes long shower and I even cought him couple of times... and I do know that’s guys thing. And I don’t like it but some stuff I need to let go.right? As long as we are sexually active( even tho I want old him back) . Recently he took me out so we could have me and his time alone. He booked a hotel and took me out to nice restaurant. Went to comedy show. Like I really had a good time. And of course we had good sex. Next day we woke up and return to home. He went to shower for a long time I was wondering if he is ok. And I was gonna check on him and I hear the porn. I was kinda shocked. Like we had good sex last night like couple of hours ago now he needs porn?

I feel like I don’t satisfy him sexually. I’m willing to try whatever.and another thing he love bbw porn. ( seen from his history) and I’m not skinny I’m curvy but not size 18. At all. All he watches is big women’s porn. So maybe he isn’t attracted to me? Or idk.

How can I get over with this?

Or what do I need to do? Because other than that I’m satisfied. He is a good husband and father. But this just bothers me.

Thank you

You talk to him about it.

You’re married for a year, you need to learn to communicate with your husband.

I’m serious, strangers on the internet can commiserate with you and understand but you aren’t going to fix anything without communication.

He could have an addiction. A kink, he could want to try things you aren’t willing to or he can just want to rub one off on his own there’s a multitude of scenarios here and at the end of the day we don’t know them by you can find out.

Get off of here and go talk to him.

You talk to him about it.

 

You’re married for a year, you need to learn to communicate with your husband.

 

I’m serious, strangers on the internet can commiserate with you and understand but you aren’t going to fix anything without communication.

 

He could have an addiction. A kink, he could want to try things you aren’t willing to or he can just want to rub one off on his own there’s a multitude of scenarios here and at the end of the day we don’t know them by you can find out.

 

Get off of here and go talk to him.

I echo this^ great advice!

Agree with the above.

In going into that talk, I think you want to separate the porn stuff from the real stuff: you wanting the "old" him back.

Because the old him? The one you met, had lots of sex with? That guy was probably looking at porn too, into the same porn, with the same frequency.

What's changed is the level of intimacy between you two—physical, yeah, but also emotional—which has you feeling a little edgy, a little insecure.

Human sexuality is awesome, awesomely complex, and no matter how close and intimate we are with someone there is a part of them that is private, theirs and theirs alone. Sexually, emotionally, the whole gamut. That mystery is what keeps things interesting, so think of this as a chance to explore and embrace the mystery of each other.

Thank you.

That is true. And I have tried couple of times and mentioned him that I don’t like porn and why I’m next to you and you go for Porn. I’m not against porn but it make me feel a attractive or I’m not enough. He said that using true. And since we have kids we can’t do it when he wants to all the time.ect ect... to me that was an excuse.

He said his sex drive isn’t high like he used to. But watches porn everyday is very high to me...

I agree that it's an addiction.

You are more than satisfying him, no reason he needs to be going for it as often as he does or running to porn.

You say there's no way you can stay up till 2AM because of your kids, what in the heck is he doing? He should be getting up at the same time as you and the kids in the morning and be helping as much as you do with the kids.

Why is he staying up all night playing games and then sleeping in?

That's a bad dad and a bad husband.

I would be questioning that first and foremost.

But I agree with FIO, go and ask him whats going on. He is taking things a bit too far with needing sex like that and porn all the time.

Yes. I am insecure I see that myself. I been trying to fight it but it’s stil there.

Thank you for the positive advice. “Mystery of each other” I never thought that way because we married or been together for long time that doesn’t mean we both can’t have that mystery part.

I want to be attractive to him for long time. Not to get bored or you know i guess it’s my biggest thing.

Does he work? How does he stay up until 2 AM, and also help with the kids?

You have kids (plural) in just 3 short years, you have sex twice a week. Consider yourself lucky and stop complaining. It's only porn. He's not sleeping with anyone.

Thank you.

 

That is true. And I have tried couple of times and mentioned him that I don’t like porn and why I’m next to you and you go for Porn. I’m not against porn but it make me feel a attractive or I’m not enough. He said that using true. And since we have kids we can’t do it when he wants to all the time.ect ect... to me that was an excuse.

 

 

He said his sex drive isn’t high like he used to. But watches porn everyday is very high to me...

I dont know that Id define that as communication, more of a restriction and a little judgement mixed in. His responses sound like hes placating you.

You say youre open sexually, but honestly, and I mean no offence because this is a sensitive subject, it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you want him to adhere to your sexual standards instead of you both openly communicating your needs and wants and deep desires.

When your relationship was fresh and new of course sex is exciting and fun but with life and kids and time, if that sexual connection isnt strong it naturally wains.

Again I say, talk to your husband. Openly, leave your ego at the door, make it a safe space where you both share how youre feeling.

Agree again FIO.

My bf and I are currently watching a video series on communication, and it's shocking how many couples simply don't know how to talk to each other!

That said, it's hard sometimes. He and I went through a period recently when we weren't communicating, I wanted to end the relationship.

He was actually the one who pushed us to TALK, really talk!

It was hard opening up like that, feeling so vulnerable, but OP it is so necessary if you want a strong, healthy, truly intimate and honest marriage.

As fio said, make it a "safe" place (emotionally) where you can both open up and share your feelings honestly and genuinely without judgment.

Thank you everyone.

All the comments I really appreciate it.

Communication is what we needs. Instead of I hold it til I can’t.

And also I may being selfish or I try to push my standards.

From all the comments I see myself what I needs to work on.

Thank you again :)

You're very welcome!

And with your new open attitude and owning your role, I have every faith you'll be able to work this out.

I wish you both the best!

Well, I think this all boils down to how different people feel about porn. I see many people here (pretty much all women) who don't like their partner to watch porn. I am a woman with a very high sex drive and I have sex with my partner but sometimes I also like to watch porn. My favourite porn to watch is of men orgasming, like a compilation of that. So it may seem to my male fiance that I just want to look at other guys and not him. In fact that's not true at all and I just like that particular thing and it just turns me on that's all. I personally don't think of porn as anything but just videos of strangers on the screen that you watch to help yourself get off. I see it as very separate from my partner that I actually feel intimacy and closeness with.

My guess would be that your husband just gets aroused and he wants to have a release for it. And because you have kids he can't just tell you to go to the bedroom to have sex and leave the children all alone unsupervised. Maybe he's not even necessarily trying to hide from you that he's watching porn but it's not like he's going to say in front of the children: "I'm going to go to the bathroom and watch porn and jerk off". So instead he just pretends to be taking a shower.

If you're worried about it why don't you suggest you watch porn together? You said your sex is good and he took you on a romantic night to the hotel and had nice sex, etc. He still has interest in you sexually but obviously with kids it's probably hard to just have sex anytime you want.

I also wouldn't worry that he's watching BBW porn and you're not BBW. People can have all kinds of fetishes as a fantasy. I used to like watching midget porn but my partner is not a midget and I'm still really attracted to him lol

Thank you for the positive response!!!

I totally understand what you are saying.

I just thought that when we had sex at night and next morning he watches porn was am I not good enough or he doesn’t satisfy with me.

Like other people said I’m insecure.

I should have more confidence about myself. It’s just from the dating to being married there are a lot of changes so that just had me think....

Yes he does do date night or take me out without kids. Because he knows what I do everyday and I’m moved here from another county so there is not much Friends that I can hang out with like I used to.

And yes he does work. And on weekends after kids sleep he has his game time.

Of course he has his time and I’m just laying down the bed right next to his game spot lol

So we are pretty much together all the time.

I need to think positive. And not to over think.

Thank you much! I feel lot better :)

Are you home full time?

Does he ever get alone time just to himself? Do you?

I get that you have two small kids, but being in each other's faces all the time can wear on the best of us. You, where you are now noticing every time he's masturbating and looking at his browser history. Him, where he's hiding it in the shower and has to nudge you awake for sex.

Not very sexy!

I'm sure you'll do great with a good heart to heart . Maybe all that is needed is tweaks in the routine?

I hear that there is a disconnect, when you kids go to bed, that should be time for you and him to relate on an emotionally intimate level, but it sounds like he goes off and indulges in connecting with inanimate things, video games and porn. It is not the sexual attraction to the other naked women you should worry about, it is his disconnecting that will ultimately unhinge the marriage. His escape from the stress of life, parenting, work etc., should be connecting with you not connecting with electronic devices.

Porn addiction is a regular cause of breakups and divorces today. Basically, most women feel like the man is looking at other women; it feels like cheating to her.

It has to stop - it's possible that if he keeps it up, your love level could drop to the point of no return.

Things you can do:

1) talk about it

2) if that does not work, try to get him to go to counseling

3) finally, if the above does not work, you may have to try tough love - leave for awhile or cut off sex. When he asks, "What's wrong?" - then he'll be ready to really listen to what you need from this relationship and be willing to change.

OK, this isn't about your body, your "lack of testosterone" (absurd!) or that you should stay up all night or be awoken all hours, porn or masturbation. It's about being in a rut, not coordinating your sex lives or sleep schedules. Do not get woken up for sex. Stop that asap. Set aside a time for sex/romance. Take action and restore your sex lives/romance. Plan date more nights.

If "we" have kids why does "I" have to be the only one who gets up early? Doesn't he work or help with the kids or sleep?

Go to bed at the same time, watch a movie, have sex on the couch or wherever. Stop allowing his gaming habit/immaturity to undermine your sex life, romance and ultimately your marriage. Stop listening to bs about your hormones, etc. It's self serving nonsense. Make sure he carries his weight with the house/kids. Insist on marriage counselling before his screen life gets too far out of control. Porn and masturbating are simply a complacent lazy man's sex life. Stop obsessing about your looks/weight. It has nothing to do with that.

He is a huge gamer and I go to sleep before him. And sometimes he wakes me up and we have sex. About twice a week.

 

he said my testosterone went down or I go to sleep before him.

 

Of course we have kids so I needs to go to sleep can’t stay up til 2 am... or later.

^ I agree with a lot of that, but I think it's possible they both have slipped into complacency. And it's causing disconnect as they go further into their own little world's.

He's escaping into the games and masturbation, and she's slipping into being too comfortable having the house and family as her whole world.

There are all kinds of solutions for this, but it depends on how rigid each of them are about keeping the status quo.

Yes I understand the use of porn. Men like variety and that's why they will turn to it. It also lets them play out their fantasies. Hell I bet your dad had a stash of the old Playboys out in the shed/workshop. Anywho, when it starts to affect your sex life and you feel like you are being replaced, I would call that an issue.

If you want to fix this, communication is key. When you talk to him, make it about "us" not him, or you. Don't talk about the porn, but talk about the small amount of intimacy and your concern about that. Ask him what would he be interested in doing to spice up things in the bedroom, for example, role playing, toys, reading erotica to each other, wearing sexy outfits, lingerie, etc. Maybe he would like things to be more spontaneous or make him wonder what the nights delights will entail. I believe with with porn and him staying up late gaming has caused some disconnect in your relaitonship so I hope some of my suggestions can pull him away from that.