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Thread: I think my husband is an alcoholic

  1. #1
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    I think my husband is an alcoholic

    Iím not sure if my husband would be considered an alcoholic or not. He goes short period of time without drinking but for the most part he comes home many nights after I am already asleep and when i wake up in the morning I can literally smell the alcohol coming out of his pores. When we are at an event he drinks like a fish. His alcohol tolerance is incredibly high. He drinks in the middle of the week. Iím okay with an occasional drink or two on weekends or special occasions but I think multiple nights a week is too much. This also makes me not want to start a family with him and makes me often think about leaving while Iím still young enough to find someone that would be a great dad to my children. What do I do?? I have had serious talks with him and nothing changes.

  2. #2
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    I also would like to add that alcoholism runs in his family.

  3. #3
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    What would you like to do? There are a few choices, you can stay and hope for change, you've tried talking to him and that didn't work, you can leave and see if it prompts him to seek treatment while you are separated or you could leave, pursue a divorce and leave him to straighten out his life and his problems.

    From what I have seen of alcoholics, they don't change until they want to, so you would be best to not focus on him and what he is or isn't going to do, you must focus on yourself, what are you going to do, how to do you want your life to look? Whatever you do, don't look at this from a perspective of getting a positive reaction out of him, don't think that you can implore, beg or threaten him to do anything, he is going to do what he is going to do and you must detach yourself from basing your decisions about your life on what he is doing with his life.

    There is a great organization called Al-anon which can be enormously helpful to someone in your position.

  4. #4
    Member SomedaySoon's Avatar
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    Mid week drinking binges are a bad sign. If you two have already had several frank discussions and nothing changes, it's time to move on. Waiting on him to change may be a wait that lasts a lifetime.

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  6. #5
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    He is choosing the alcohol over you and a family. If he does not want to make changes, then it is time to move on.

    Plus, do you want a kid exposed to his family every weekend?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Is his drinking different than when you started dating, when you got engaged, when you first got married?

    Iím just trying to understand if this is change and/or something escalating, since these are generally the sort of habits we see in someone pretty early. If he was drinking like this when you were dating, when you were engaged, he may not think itís a problem.

    Whether he is an alcoholic is less important, I think, than the fact that you have a problem with his drinking. Have you directly talked to him about it in terms of it being something that you canít reconcile with starting family? And that you canít reconcile a marriage if it canít lead to a family? Does he understand that youíre considering leaving, if this doesnít change?

  8. #7
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    I unfortunately have met a few alcoholics. Not pretty. Alcoholics won't get help until they really realise that there's no other way out of whatever hole they are in. Meanwhile beloved ones deal with abuse from them.

    You mentioned that he goes a short period of time without drinking. How would you define a short period of time?
    Some alcoholics, including those classed as high functioning ones, might be able to not drink for a couple of hours, but in the long run they will find it difficult to refuse a drink.

    I have also met plenty of people (who are not alcoholics) that love to drink like a fish, especially on the weekends. Not my lifestyle, but certainly theirs. You seem to have a very different lifestyle than him in this regard.
    Originally Posted by Marshmellow12
    Iím okay with an occasional drink or two on weekends or special occasions but I think multiple nights a week is too much.
    Honestly, whether he is or isn't an alcoholic, at the end of the day he seems to depend on alcohol which isn't good. I believe both of you would benefit from seeing a counsellor or a professional therapist.

    ---------------
    Here are some resources:
    - DrinkAware has information on signs, symptoms and treatment [Register to see the link] .
    - WebMD has some information on high functioning alcoholics [Register to see the link] .

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with SomedaySoon. My ex was a heavy drinker and it was very painful for the whole family. Regardless of whether he is or he isn't(an alcoholic), I think you do deserve to be with someone who listens to you or someone who can afford /is in the right frame of mind or in a better state to listen to you. You'll have to make that decision yourself and decide whether you want this to be your reality the rest of your life.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So many things you can do. First start educating yourself on problem drinking, binge drinking, alcoholism, etc. Google all of those terms. Many websites offer this info. Second, privately and confidentially go to therapy and discuss your concerns with a trained qualified therapist. Third, go to AlAnon, either online or attend some local meetings. Do not tell your husband about this, because he will tell you, you are overreacting, they are quacks, etc. Do not try to fix him. You can't. Do not debate "how much" drinking or when drinking takes place. He doesn't care what "you think is too much". You will never win that argument.

    Do not bother talking to your husband about his drinking. He will deny it, tell you you are nagging, controlling, imagining things, etc and whatever other insults he can fling at you to get you "off his case". His relationship is with alcohol, not you. You are merely a pawn and a means to an end in his love affair with booze. Sadly you have tolerated it too long and put up with nights alone, etc. You are both under the delusion that problematic alcohol use is for fall down drunks in alleys drinking out of paper bags. Ultimatums do not work. Leaving works.
    Originally Posted by Marshmellow12
    He goes short period of time without drinking but for the most part he comes home many nights after I am already asleep and when i wake up in the morning I can literally smell the alcohol coming out of his pores. When we are at an event he drinks like a fish. I think multiple nights a week is too much.

  11. #10
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    I would not start a family with him unless he acknowledges that there is an issue with his drinking and agrees to talk to a professional to see the extent of the issue. Does he drive drunk too?

    My friend is married to a man like this and they have three young children. One day -luckily nothing happened -she found an open half full beer can - right to the side of the toddler's changing table and yes he could have reached it and drank from it. So it doesn't have to be as dramatic as parent passed out drunk with kids in the house -it's those every day risks that are unique to a parent who is drunk/stoned and distracted in that particular way.

    I'm not sure if your husband is an alcoholic. I am sure -even though I'm no expert- that at the very least he has an issue with drinking and likely is on a bad path.

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