Newly Broken up

Hello all,

Been a very sad week for me. I am a middle aged guy who had been in a serious relationship for 3+ years. We both were older mature adults. We split and it's painful for me. We had joined a soaring club. Flying real life gliders. Now that we are split It would be uncomfortable to be there when she is. Ok, so we somehow figure a way to not go on the same day. Got it. But I asked her to message a mutual friend so that person could tell me when she will be there. So, my issue is, what happens when she meets someone else and brings a "special guest"? And, in this club, a lot of the pilots are single. She had been already hit on once before right in front of me. So, what if she hooks up with one of these guys? It was my life long dream to learn to fly and now doing it. I introduced her to it. She took an intro ride and I thought she'd hate it. But she informed me she wants to continue taking flight lessons. It does feel like she has taken a sharp knife, cut my heart out, pissed on it and now will eventually destroy my biggest dream I ever had since I was a young child. If you are going to ask if there is another club - no. Not anywhere near where I live. I would have to move to the Tampa, Fl area to find another. The soaring clubs aren't exactly super popular like say, a skiing club, or a boating club etc.. She could potentially just kill my dream. I am very sad over this to say the least. I begged her to not destroy my dream.

I forgot to mention. For you younger generation. Breakups are just a thing. You move on. Wait ill you're 50 ish and try dating/relationships. It is NOT fun. Very hard to meet people. I don't do bars any more and I work. I did the internet dating crap. That was a total waste of time. I did that several years ago..

She didn't kill, destroy or spit on anything. Please try to check your language when you allow your thoughts to come through because thoughts are cyclical and self-fulfilling also. That negative thinking has to stop. You are not a victim. Pull yourself up out of the gutter and focus more on your goals rather than your ex. You're too consumed about what she's doing to focus on you and that will be your downfall, not her.

It will be difficult at first but you're going to have to re-train your mind out of this negative mindset and start re-orienting yourself. If you're a pilot at heart, your first step is navigating your emotions and your dreams. Forget about getting from point A to point B in a plane or a glider or whatever you're flying if you cannot control your emotions.

Sorry for your pain.

Breakups suck, no two ways about it. But what doesn't suck? Dreams, the things that bring us pleasure, that voice inside that screams "I want to do x" and then actually doing x. That thing is forever, always stronger and fiercer than we know.

Right now, in your pain, flying gliders is connected to her, and as such the dream feels tainted, the pleasure lost. Understandable. Can't rush through this moment, can only feel and flail through it. But in time I think dreams have a way of winning, and it's clear the pleasure you've found in flying is too precious to give up because a relationship didn't work. In fact, when the time is right, I think you'll find an incredible sense of power in heading to the club and taking flight. And in more time you won't really care if she's there or not, because she can't compete with soaring through the sky.

I sound whimsical and self-help-y, I know. But I know where you're at, believe me. I've left cities for stretches because I couldn't imagine walking the streets I once walked with someone—but, lo and behold, I've returned to those cities, when ready, and found they were much bigger than the relationship, with pleasures ready for the taking.

Similarly, in my last breakup I experienced a version of what you're going through. I'd gotten into motorcycles—a lifelong dream—while with her. And she, to my surprise, got into them as well. We rode together, took trips together, the two of us on two bikes riding through highways. The relationship was far from perfect, but, dang, those times were dreamy. Took me a good minute before I could get on a bike again, feeling for me, and me only. It had been tainted. But the taint faded, and reclaiming that as mine, instead of thinking it as "ours," was a big step.

You'll get there. This is just turbulence, not a crash. Best of luck.

I feel the pain in you words, I am sorry you are feeling this way.

You are a mature man and if you take your time and take care of your self, the pain will subside eventually. You will come to realize that you don't have to give up on your dream for this very reason, you are mature individuals.

I don't know who initiated the break up, but you have every right to let her know (respectfully) that you wish to continue to participate and that, for the moment, it would be easier for you, and would help you in the moving-on process if she wasn't there when you go.

Yes, dating gets harder as we age, I feel for you and I hope it gets easier soon.

hey you will get over her, it just takes time. It's just an adjustment period. You can't just throw up your hands and say "everything is ruined!!" Like the other poster said, you need to change your attitude. You will find the opportunity to date someone special again and you don't have to give up flying gliders....If anything you can step it up a notice, challenge yourself to get your pilots license to fly an actual plane. That would put you in a totally different league.

Plus you never know she will meet someone and stop going all together.

I know you are venting, but things are not for the worst. Hang in there, maybe just take a small break for a few months to go do something else with your time.

Smackie9, thank you. Yes you're right. Not my first rodeo for sure. I was her first relationship after her husband of 37+ years passed. And out of the 37 years, 16 years she was a care giver. The guy ended being a quadapolegic. So for 16 years she did not have any intimacy whatsoever. So, I really question if SHE, was actually ready. I had been divorced for 4+ years, dated people (NOT FUN) from internet dating sites. As far as taking time away from flying, I really don't want to. And, yes, I actually do hope she meets someone with 'other' interest.

I will validate your feelings...

If you are in this much pain and turmoil, I presume it was more her idea to split than yours. If it was your dream, and you introduced her to it, I totally think it’s insensitive of her to kind of hijack your “thing”.

That said, we are all adults and she can go where she wants and do as she pleases.

In your shoes, if you waited 50+ years to learn how to do this, IMO you can wait one more. I don’t think it’s practical or reasonable to get a 3rd party involved to let you know her movements. That will simply serve as a regular reminder and keep it all in the forefront of your mind.

While it’s not “fair” (life is not “fair”)... I would take a step back to give yourself time to heal and find other sources of joy. In a year or so, when you can honestly say that you simply don’t care if you run into her or not, you can pick it up again. My guess is that by then - particularly if it wasn’t her interest to begin with - she will likely be gone. And if she’s not, you can politely nod and wave and carry on with what you are doing.

I’m sorry. Break ups are hard. She is not making it easier. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is more joy out there to be found.

RedDress, I hear you loud and clear. I paid for all the membership dues, the soaring society of America dues. So, I have a little at stake. In addition, having to start all over again kind of makes me feel crummy. And yea, I did turn her on to this awesome sport. I find it funny that this woman has absolutely no knowledge of how aircraft even fly. She doesn't know the controls (rudder, elevator and ailerons). And said to me when she started: "I am not interested in soloing" and "I only want to fly with an instructor" So, I am puzzled why she wants to continue. I do solute her for being a trooper for trying it and doing it with me and there's no doubt there. But now, I have to ask why she wants to continue when "A", she does not study the materials. "B" refuses to do mandatory flight menuevers, STALLS, SPINS, emergency takeoffs etc.. So, to me she is in my way. When I fly, I love stalls, spins, boxing the wake. Takeoffs are a blast. 200 feet behind another plane. Critical point of the sport there. She does not do that. Her instructor does all the work. Including landings. So, I don't understand her point when she only wants to this half ass.

Skysurfer, if she's so embarrassing overall in her laziness, questionable ethic and poor ability to execute in the sport why are you still so obsessed with her? She clearly isn't ticking off your boxes. What is it exactly that you liked about her? I'm asking this genuinely to perhaps get things off your chest or find closure for your feelings that you may not have felt able to express to her.

Do you feel guilty for the break up or like you contributed to it? You're painting a rather insipid and malicious picture of her (ie insinuating that she might perhaps be continuing at the soaring society to spite you). Is that what you think?

Why did you break up?

Sorry for your pain. I'm close to your age, so I think I get it.

In your situation...something's gotta give, as the saying goes. On one hand, you have your flying lessons. On the other hand, you have your ex acting in a less-than-mature manner in your face.

So you either put your blinders on when it comes to her and all the crazy things she does that hurts your feelings or gets on your nerves, or you just stop attending your flying lessons temporarily, while you heal emotionally.

"But, LC, I shouldn't have to give up my lessons," you're telling me. No, you shouldn't, and I agree. However, there are a lot of "shouldn't have" and "could have had" situations in our lives. We don't always get to pick the rules.

The breakup is fresh and you can't simply turn off your feelings like a switch, which is why I'm suggesting you forgo the lessons until such time that you can move on with your life.

I can't promise it'll be an easy healing process, and there will be days where you'll feel you're taking two steps back. But you WILL heal. You just have to give yourself that time.

~LC

Rose Mose - answer to your question. Yes, I WAS a large part of the break up. In reality, the woman was a very good partner and I did and do love this person. To me it's the problem I think is that I will flip out if I see her at this airfield. We are talking - but it does not appear to be going anywhere. Told me yesterday that she would 'inform' me if she dates someone. I guess because of the longer time in the relationship and the fact it's only been about a week since I moved out. Everything is fresh. I think as time goes on, I will heal and move on and if I run in to her there it won't mean anything to me. I can't control her. If she wants to do this then it is her right and I can't say anything about it. I just think it's a bit stupid on her part because she really doesn't, as I believe wants to fly a glider by herself and even get a pilots license. She does enjoy it and has fun - I can't blame her there. But I was the one who brought this 'adventure' on.

Rose Mose - answer to your question. Yes, I WAS a large part of the break up. In reality, the woman was a very good partner and I did and do love this person. To me it's the problem I think is that I will flip out if I see her at this airfield. We are talking - but it does not appear to be going anywhere. Told me yesterday that she would 'inform' me if she dates someone. I guess because of the longer time in the relationship and the fact it's only been about a week since I moved out. Everything is fresh. I think as time goes on, I will heal and move on and if I run in to her there it won't mean anything to me. I can't control her. If she wants to do this then it is her right and I can't say anything about it. I just think it's a bit stupid on her part because she really doesn't, as I believe wants to fly a glider by herself and even get a pilots license. She does enjoy it and has fun - I can't blame her there. But I was the one who brought this 'adventure' on.

Perhaps she feels that it's the other way around and is unwilling to give up "her" sport. I'm just putting this out there. This is playing devils advocate and not meant to make you feel worse. There's her side of the story too but you either aren't aware or don't want to accept it. It is fresh. Let things calm down a bit more and you have a lot more going for you like a new place and getting back on your feet. I'd just caution you holding on to this resentment about it being somehow your adventure or that you had first dibs on it. It doesn't put you in a good light and I think it's keeping you on a darker path. Try to let that go. You need to move on from that kind of thinking and release yourself from that resentment or hold on you.

Some things you could do to help get away from her and get over the breakup:

- get another hobby (yeah, that sounds like a serious hobby, might be hard to do this)

- date other women

- move

Why did you break up?

Well, I think this is a long story. I guess for a lot of reasons.

Some things you could do to help get away from her and get over the breakup:

 

- get another hobby (yeah, that sounds like a serious hobby, might be hard to do this)

 

- date other women

 

- move

Yes, you're right. Flying sailplanes is the best. Nothing else compares. Golf sucks. I am to old to surf anymore, my body won't let me LOL!

Date other women - Nah. I'll pass on that for now

Move - Now, that IS a good idea. Nothing holding me back from not looking elsewhere. Gotta find a job first though. Remember, when you're "middle" aged, in my profession the younger folks fresh out of computer science school have the advantage. And, if anyone thinks that age discrimination is not rampant. Think again. It's alive and well.

LC, I think you're correct in a lot things you mentioned. The bothersome thing for me is I am really close to solo. I am a damn good pilot. So, forgoing flying would really put me back. I have invested a lot of time (and money) in to this. I am way a head of the now 'ex' in flight. Granted, I do indeed need to move on. It didn't work, it just didn't work. I seem to be overly sensitive to breakups. I hate it. I am not interested in finding another chick now. More interested in me. As far as time, yea, I know. I am just not real patient.

Skysurfer

Everything you said - very true.

She didn't kill, destroy or spit on anything. Please try to check your language when you allow your thoughts to come through because thoughts are cyclical and self-fulfilling also. That negative thinking has to stop. You are not a victim. Pull yourself up out of the gutter and focus more on your goals rather than your ex. You're too consumed about what she's doing to focus on you and that will be your downfall, not her.

 

It will be difficult at first but you're going to have to re-train your mind out of this negative mindset and start re-orienting yourself. If you're a pilot at heart, your first step is navigating your emotions and your dreams. Forget about getting from point A to point B in a plane or a glider or whatever you're flying if you cannot control your emotions.

Hello Rose Mosse, after giving this some very serious thought, I am going to have to agree. Only "I" can destroy my own dreams, no one else. Yes, I need, and I am going to focus on myself. Not worry about anything else. Time to get off my own pitty potty for sure. As I think back, I don't think I was every happy in the relationship that lasted for 3 years and a few months. I won't go in to that. But, yea, it is time for me to focus on me - follow the dream. I am not to far off from soloing the aircraft. I won't let anyone get my in way of me pursuing my dreams again. Your message seemed harsh at first, but then it made sense. It only took me time to figure that out.

Skysurfer

Not sure who is following this. But today I finally came to the stage of closure. I told the former GF that I would only text her once a week telling her what weekend day I will fly. And told it would only be one word - Saturday or Sunday. And final email I wished her the best of luck in her life and wished her well. My final word was simply "bye". Blocked her email address, phone (from her calling or texting me), blocked her on Facebook.

very sad story.

The End

Well, I now found out what really was wrong in what happened to my relationship with this woman. I had posted the same story I did here on another site. And one person pointed it out perfectly. All the signs I had described in my post here, no one saw the pattern. The emotional detachment, the arms distant length of her allowing me close to her. The intense sex at first, and the "I love you" way to soon. Well, after reading A LOT about it and listening to other people. It became very evident that I am a victim of emotional abuse by a very smart and cunning covert narcissist. Everything I've read, watched on youtube, talking to people have all pointed this out. A covert narcissist will come across as being very nice to people. The fights we had that she made me feel it was all me and she could no wrong, now all points to this. I suggest doing a lot of reading on this yourselves, you'll be surprised and shocked. Now, it's me who is in NO CONTACT. Nope. Not no, but h$ll no! She has done very serious emotional damage to me. I am now in therapy. I now understand why I would scream at this woman. It wasn't me, it really was her and I had no idea what she truly was. So, it is a huge blessing that she is out of my life. Now I can recover and heal.

Everyone's ex is "a narcissist" when the ending is bitter with hard feelings. It's a twist on sour grapes. It doesn't matter what she is or isn't. What matters is you and moving forward.

Was she diagnosed by a medical professional? Or a bunch of amateurs on an online forum?

Was she diagnosed by a medical professional? Or a bunch of amateurs on an online forum?

My own therapist agrees.