Dealing with the Pain of Divorce

Hi All,

Long-time user, first time poster under 'Divorce Advice'. Today, I hired an attorney to serve divorce papers for my 5-year marriage. I'm 30 and she's 29. I've given all of the necessary information and asked them to move forward with filing the divorce. I think she will be served by early next week. Needless to say, I don't want to do this, but I don't feel like I have a choice at this point. We don't have any kids, don't own a home, etc., so it should be a fairly smooth process. More on this below.

Long-story short, my wife and I haven't been getting along for the last 6 months. Right now, I'm in 'job limbo' and have shut down emotionally in some ways. I've been to counselling, been working on my issues, but haven't been able to 'get right' yet. There's never been any abuse, cheating, money issues in our relationship; just we haven't been getting along/I've been questioning what's next for me, career wise. I'm the type of person who likes to have a plan (very male of me) and right now, I'm in limbo with my job, so I don't have a plan, which has led to some indecisiveness on my part.

She moved out of our apartment about 2 weeks ago--and contact has been very sparse. I've wanted her to come back home to work on things, but she refuses. She says that I'm being indecisive and she doesn't know what to trust right now. She's blown off my emails about joint bills, blown off my attempts at finding someone to mediate our seperation/divroce, etc. She only wants to use her 'hand picked' person to handle the seperation/divorce mediation. When I looked her person up, I didn't have a good feeling at all. My gut told me that this was bad and I need to proactive.

Luckily, I have attorneys in my family, I showed them some of the texts--and my family is convinced that she's working with an attorney of her own. She also asked me questions about my retirement package and possible job severance. Asking about the job severance, which I haven't been offered yet, is a huge red flag. The severance package itself is in the 6-figure range, plus I don't know when I'd receive it. Therefore, I had to instruct my attorney to work as quickly as possible to file the paperwork. Once filed, my potential severance is safe. The severance is my gateway to moving forward, whether it's to a new state or new opportunity, so I have to protect it all costs, especially since I don't trust her intentions at this point.

This whole situation just stinks. At this point, I don't trust anything she does or says. I don't think she trusts anything I do or say. This situation is just a disaster all around. My gut tells she wanted to 'ambush me' with her handpicked person---and that's just wrong. I felt like she used my emotions against me because I don't want to be divorced. We've been together for 10 years, married for 5. It sucks. It hurts. I had to tell my boss and co-workers what the deal is because I need time to work my attorney, gather belongings, etc. I work with all women in an office job. They were all so sad for me and told me they're here for me. I've walked around with the pain at work for at least 6 months. I couldn't do it anymore and needed to tell them. I felt a big sigh of relief afterwards.

Overall, I haven't been eating. I've had a headache for about 5 straight days now. I feel like total garbage. I know I'll come out of this okay, but I feel crappy now. Also, we've made a lot of great financial decisions during our marriage. Watching all of that come burning down in attorney fees, settlements, etc. is going to be hard.

I appreciate any comments or feedback from those on how to deal.

Hang in there, Kid. As you say, it will all come out ok.

After only 5 years, she shouldn't be entitled to any alimony, but everything the two of you own will be looked at as marital joint property and split down the middle. You did well to protect your severance package.

A mediator would be the best option and it would save you tons of money in attorney fees, but if she isn't willing, you're going to have to play hard ball.

Kid,

I was divorced after 20 yrs together with a home, retirement and a disabled child and I am happier now than ever so trust me when I tell you that you will look back one day and ask yourself why you were so worried about the future.

The not knowing what will become of you is the hardest part but remember you were just fine before you met her and you are in a way better position than then to get back on your feet. You do need to eat even if you don't feel like it, just do it like you would feed your pet because you need to do it. The headaches may come from not eating, I was there too and food didn't even have a taste but after about 4 days I knew I needed to eat. It gets easier but you need to push yourself to take care of yourself. Go for walks, hang around good friends you can trust (not mutual friends) and keep a good routine.

Don't worry about the money, you can always make more. Men get so caught up in stuff and money during a divorce that we loose sight of what is most important which is our happiness. Be fair but protect yourself. Talk to your employer about your situation (with counsels approval) and see if they can postpone the lay off or termination for a lesser severance package. In the long run it will save you and your employer money. Worth a shot right?

When it come time to negotiate over marital items be sure to act like you want this or that even if you don't care one way or another, they are just bargaining chips for what you really would like to walk away with. Be smart and play the long game on this one.

You were smart to get going on filing as that will stop her from incurring large bills in both your names. If you have any joint accounts you should look into getting them frozen until the settlement pays them off. A totally new bank account at a totally different bank or at the very least branch is order for you as well. Start depositing your pay into the new account just in case the other gets emptied out.

All in all you sound like you are doing well except for the emotional part and that always takes time to slowly recover from. You are only human and loved her dearly, accepting that it is over takes time for it to be real...

Keep posting and hang in there

Lost

I am so sorry that you are going through this terrible anguish. I understand completely how you feel and what you are going through. Yes, it sucks but there are no shortcuts to stop that awful pain, I'm afraid. It's a major blow and you must go through the grieving process. You will embark on a roller coaster of emotions, and that's normal. You wouldn't be human if you didn't harbour these emotions (hurt, disbelief, anger, etc). Know that, with time, you will heal.

I am also recently divorced (this past January) after a 29 year marriage. Back in May, I felt like my world fell apart. Sometimes, I think it's almost as bad as a death. But, I will say that I am feeling considerably better with the passage of time. Time is the key, dear OP. We all make progress at our own pace but you will get there. Like I said, I'm still hurting and there are days when I am unable to accept the reality that I was rejected and thrown away, but there are other days that I feel a sense of relief that I am no longer in a toxic relationship.

I agree with SarahLancaster that a mediator may be your best bet but she's already refused to do that. Too bad. It would make so much sense to take that route. Obviously, she is experiencing her own set of emotions right now but I get the impression, from what you said, that she may be working with a lawyer. At all costs, please protect your severance package and your own interests. Some people get vindictive during these situations and act irrationally and I believe you are getting those vibes. It sounds to me that you're feeling are correct. I would hate to think that she is trying to screw you financially (sorry for the vulgarity). I'm glad to hear that you have attorneys in your family who will protect you and your interests. That's a big plus.

I would also suggest to talk with family or a close friend. IMO, I found that to be very helpful, especially during my darkest moments. Failing that, perhaps a therapist may help. Think about it. Best of luck to you and may you eventually find happiness. Also, keep posting here; that helped me so much. Hugs.

Thanks for the responses, guys. It means a lot to me.

One other wrinkle to add to this post: We've been taking each other off of joint accounts over the last few days. Today, she removed me from the joint cell phone account. Therefore, I had to go through the process of getting onto my own account. Anyway, I had to sign-in through the main interface. I couldn't help, but snoop through the call log. I kept seeing the same phone number popping up a recent contact.

Anyway, I did a Google search of that number--and it's this older, loser of a guy that she had mentioned to me months ago. She mentioned how this old loser might be a good rebound for one of her girlfriends who getting divorced at the time. This guy is a total loser, lives at home with Mom & Dad (He's 42), and is a mutual friends of some of her new girlfriends. The dude is ugly as dirt.

While mistakes were made on both sides, she's been trying to convince me that I've been the problem all along. Needless to say, I'm not innocent, but she isn't innocent easier. Maybe it's a way to alleviate her guilt of having an affair? Who knows.

She's probably having an affair, while she's still married to me. Getting served the divorce papers will be a huge wakeup call for her. Also, I've changed the locks on the apartment.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this!

Does she work? If so, is her income comparable?

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this!

 

Does she work? If so, is her income comparable?

She's been working for the duration of the marriage. I make 2x of what she makes.

This whole situation is just so funny. Last week, I wrote a really long, detailed e-mail regarding joint expenses that are due on the 15th. She totally blew off my e-mail. A few days later, I take a look at the joint credit card and I see all of these bogus charges for hair, nails, etc. I get pissed off and close the credit card immediately since it was my card and she was a user on it. Right on cue, she calls me over ten times, asking me why I shut down the credit card. I told her that I was pissed she blew off my e-mail and had all of these BS charges on the credit card. She said my e-mail was 'written like it was done by a lawyer' and that she 'had a hard week' and 'wanted to relax'. I told her it was a bunch of crapp.

It's just ironic how she can and go and have an affair. However, she expects me to pay the bills, have a safe home base for her ready to go if she comes back. No way Jose. I made my share of mistakes, but if you are truly committed to your marriage, you don't jet out the door and tag along with an old loser.

Some are unscrupulous. You did right by closing the card.

Being that you are in NY, will you have to pay support?

Divorce brings out the worst in everyone involved, I'm afraid.

Some are unscrupulous. You did right by closing the card.

 

Being that you are in NY, will you have to pay support?

My lawyer is working on that piece of that now. We are fairly young (30), she's been fully employed and salaried during the marriage, but came into the marriage with a lot of student loan debt. I'm not on the hook for that debt, but she'll probably try to frame it as if her 'quality of life' will suffer greatly from divorce. From what the lawyer told me, NY is not freely handling out alimony anymore.

Kid,

 

I was divorced after 20 yrs together with a home, retirement and a disabled child and I am happier now than ever so trust me when I tell you that you will look back one day and ask yourself why you were so worried about the future.

 

The not knowing what will become of you is the hardest part but remember you were just fine before you met her and you are in a way better position than then to get back on your feet. You do need to eat even if you don't feel like it, just do it like you would feed your pet because you need to do it. The headaches may come from not eating, I was there too and food didn't even have a taste but after about 4 days I knew I needed to eat. It gets easier but you need to push yourself to take care of yourself. Go for walks, hang around good friends you can trust (not mutual friends) and keep a good routine.

 

Don't worry about the money, you can always make more. Men get so caught up in stuff and money during a divorce that we loose sight of what is most important which is our happiness. Be fair but protect yourself. Talk to your employer about your situation (with counsels approval) and see if they can postpone the lay off or termination for a lesser severance package. In the long run it will save you and your employer money. Worth a shot right?

 

When it come time to negotiate over marital items be sure to act like you want this or that even if you don't care one way or another, they are just bargaining chips for what you really would like to walk away with. Be smart and play the long game on this one.

 

You were smart to get going on filing as that will stop her from incurring large bills in both your names. If you have any joint accounts you should look into getting them frozen until the settlement pays them off. A totally new bank account at a totally different bank or at the very least branch is order for you as well. Start depositing your pay into the new account just in case the other gets emptied out.

 

All in all you sound like you are doing well except for the emotional part and that always takes time to slowly recover from. You are only human and loved her dearly, accepting that it is over takes time for it to be real...

 

Keep posting and hang in there

 

Lost

Thanks, Lost.

I set separate bank accounts accounts up a few weeks ago. I switched my direct deposit to those accounts as well. Overall, we each have about 50% of the liquid assets. She has a pension and I have a fairly large 401k balance, so I'm hoping we can avoid discussing those things. As I noted, I have debts that I have to service soon. I can pay those debts, but she's going to be on the hook for half of it. I've looked into 0% APR credit cards to service those, so we'll see if I can get those in time, just in-case.

In her mind, she probably thinks I'll cave to her because I'm still emotionally invested in the marriage. She probably thinks she's going to get an amazing deal. She's in for a rude awakening as thekid55 moves on with his life.

My lawyer is working on that piece of that now. We are fairly young (30), she's been fully employed and salaried during the marriage, but came into the marriage with a lot of student loan debt. I'm not on the hook for that debt, but she'll probably try to frame it as if her 'quality of life' will suffer greatly from divorce. From what the lawyer told me, NY is not freely handling out alimony anymore.

Glad to hear it.

I asked, as I am a fellow New Yorker.

Hi - I just wanted to lend my support in the form of "I'm sorry." I've seen friends go through divorce and even the "minutae" can get major and majorly stressful. My two cents -I do think she has something going on with that guy and honestly I don't consider it "snooping" -she's your wife who wants out and who's asking a lot about finances, etc. You are entitled to know what is going on.

I wish you all the best and quick healing.

Glad to hear it.

 

I asked, as I am a fellow New Yorker.

I live in New York too!

Thanks, Lost.

 

I set separate bank accounts accounts up a few weeks ago. I switched my direct deposit to those accounts as well. Overall, we each have about 50% of the liquid assets. She has a pension and I have a fairly large 401k balance, so I'm hoping we can avoid discussing those things. As I noted, I have debts that I have to service soon. I can pay those debts, but she's going to be on the hook for half of it. I've looked into 0% APR credit cards to service those, so we'll see if I can get those in time, just in-case.

 

In her mind, she probably thinks I'll cave to her because I'm still emotionally invested in the marriage. She probably thinks she's going to get an amazing deal. She's in for a rude awakening as thekid55 moves on with his life.

It sounds like you are on the ball regarding protecting what is yours. Don't let your guard down. IMO, it doesn't sound like she is going to be fair. To me, she sounds rather conniving. She's already taken advantage of your goodness.

Goddess and Holly need to meet.

Divorce brings out the worst in everyone involved, I'm afraid.

I agree with this.

Unfortunately it seems to be bringing out the worst in the both of you it sounds like you both keep trying to one up the other, she turns off the phone so you turn something off, she doesn't answer your emails so you cut off the credit cards, you suspect shes going through a lawyer she makes mention that she feels the same, you both have your 'side' getting you ready for battle and its a real shame.

I'm not saying you shouldnt protect yourself and your assets you should, I guess what Im saying is they have mediators and cooling off periods for a reason...

I agree with this.

 

Unfortunately it seems to be bringing out the worst in the both of you it sounds like you both keep trying to one up the other, she turns off the phone so you turn something off, she doesn't answer your emails so you cut off the credit cards, you suspect shes going through a lawyer she makes mention that she feels the same, you both have your 'side' getting you ready for battle and its a real shame.

 

I'm not saying you shouldnt protect yourself and your assets you should, I guess what Im saying is they have mediators and cooling off periods for a reason...

I'm doing a lot of things to protect myself. I was a doormat for the first 10 days or so. No more. I have to be strong for myself. I'm not allowing her to dictate terms.

It's worth noting that she texted me yesterday, saying she will agree to go to my mediator. I blew her off. Plus, it's too late for the mediator. I'm going through with the divorce filing.

I'm doing a lot of things to protect myself. I was a doormat for the first 10 days or so. No more. I have to be strong for myself. I'm not allowing her to dictate terms.

 

It's worth noting that she texted me yesterday, saying she will agree to go to my mediator. I blew her off. Plus, it's too late for the mediator. I'm going through with the divorce filing.

Mediator doesnt mean reconciliation, it means treating each other like human beings who once loved each other, its to put your egos aside and do whats best for the both of you. Blowing a fortune on winning makes the lawyers happy, not you. You dont have assets, beyond your settlement, which it doesn't sound she has a right to anyhow, theres no need to act as strangers and enemies.

I hope once some of the anger clears you'll see that.

Well, things just keep getting more interesting.

The divorce papers have not been served to her yet, but her behavior is still erratic. I’ve been in NC for 8 days now while she attempted contact a few times. I’ve blown her off each time, which is probably infuriating her.

1. On Monday, she was pleading, via text, to go to the financial mediator. (A week before, she refused to go, and now suddenly changed her mind) I already hired an attorney, so this isn’t an option. When the mediator told her I canceled the appointment, she texted me and told me about how ‘immature’ I was being.

2. On Wednesday, she deleted all pictures of us from her social media accounts. Also, she blocked me and changed her display name back to her maiden name.

3. On Thursday, she called my Mom in the morning. This is the first she called her in about a year. Granted, they were never THAT close, but my wife was trying to get information about me from her, wife accused me on being a liar, my Mom told her to just divorce me at this point and my wife was silent.

4. On Friday, she sent my Dad a lengthy email. The email blamed him for our marriage falling apart. She also wrote a few lines, blaming me for the failure of the marriage for ‘not being nice’ and ‘seekinf The advice from my family’. She claims she’s the only one that knows what happened and no one else should given an opinion on it. She also thinks my Dad is a bad influence.

Granted, the papers haven’t been served yet, but can someone try to explain this behavior? Is she acting out because I’m not responding to her anymore and she’s trying to get me to engage her? What’s the deal? Is it all about control?

You two continue to hurt one another. Why? Is it THAT important to one-up her? If it is, why?

Ponder your own motivations. We can't possibly know hers, but YOU can know YOURS.

Well, things just keep getting more interesting.

 

The divorce papers have not been served to her yet, but her behavior is still erratic. I’ve been in NC for 8 days now while she attempted contact a few times. I’ve blown her off each time, which is probably infuriating her.

 

1. On Monday, she was pleading, via text, to go to the financial mediator. (A week before, she refused to go, and now suddenly changed her mind) I already hired an attorney, so this isn’t an option. When the mediator told her I canceled the appointment, she texted me and told me about how ‘immature’ I was being.

 

2. On Wednesday, she deleted all pictures of us from her social media accounts. Also, she blocked me and changed her display name back to her maiden name.

 

3. On Thursday, she called my Mom in the morning. This is the first she called her in about a year. Granted, they were never THAT close, but my wife was trying to get information about me from her, wife accused me on being a liar, my Mom told her to just divorce me at this point and my wife was silent.

 

4. On Friday, she sent my Dad a lengthy email. The email blamed him for our marriage falling apart. She also wrote a few lines, blaming me for the failure of the marriage for ‘not being nice’ and ‘seekinf The advice from my family’. She claims she’s the only one that knows what happened and no one else should given an opinion on it. She also thinks my Dad is a bad influence.

 

Granted, the papers haven’t been served yet, but can someone try to explain this behavior? Is she acting out because I’m not responding to her anymore and she’s trying to get me to engage her? What’s the deal? Is it all about control?

Kidd...are you ok? Im not asking as an insult or a put down, I am having an INCREDIBLY hard time understanding your motives and logic right now.

You have posted some down right abusive narratives that you got from Lord knows where.

You appear to be following these narratives.

You have been responded to MULTIPLE times by multiple people, that you need to stop, friends have told you, mediators have told you, the only people who seem to be ok with your actions right now are your parents and lets be honest YOU made the statement that their divorce and your mothers subsequent reliance on you affected your marriage so the possibility that theres some codepenence there is high...

I just I don't understand what you want...

Why ask this?

Granted, the papers haven’t been served yet, but can someone try to explain this behavior? Is she acting out because I’m not responding to her anymore and she’s trying to get me to engage her? What’s the deal? Is it all about control?

Whats her deal?

You're treating her lower than a stranger on the street.

is she trying to get me to engage?

YES!!!! You're going through a divorce!!!

Can someone explain this behavior?

She is reacting to your crazy making borderline abusive behavior

Is this about control?

For you it most certainly is.

Stevie Wonder can see this...so I HAVE to wonder whats going on with you?

How have you been able to swing a complete emotional 180?

Do you think this will somehow stop reality from hitting? The pain from hitting? Youd have to be made of steel to not have a divorce from someone you love not hurt...

YOU.ARE.GOING.TO.REGRET.THIS.

Literally all of this including the divorce in my opinion wouldnt have happened if you'd just stop this macho manly bull. You pushed her away! You didn't listen just like you arent listening now...so again I ask

Are you ok?

Well, things just keep getting more interesting.

 

The divorce papers have not been served to her yet, but her behavior is still erratic. I’ve been in NC for 8 days now while she attempted contact a few times. I’ve blown her off each time, which is probably infuriating her.

 

1. On Monday, she was pleading, via text, to go to the financial mediator. (A week before, she refused to go, and now suddenly changed her mind) I already hired an attorney, so this isn’t an option. When the mediator told her I canceled the appointment, she texted me and told me about how ‘immature’ I was being.

 

2. On Wednesday, she deleted all pictures of us from her social media accounts. Also, she blocked me and changed her display name back to her maiden name.

 

3. On Thursday, she called my Mom in the morning. This is the first she called her in about a year. Granted, they were never THAT close, but my wife was trying to get information about me from her, wife accused me on being a liar, my Mom told her to just divorce me at this point and my wife was silent.

 

4. On Friday, she sent my Dad a lengthy email. The email blamed him for our marriage falling apart. She also wrote a few lines, blaming me for the failure of the marriage for ‘not being nice’ and ‘seekinf The advice from my family’. She claims she’s the only one that knows what happened and no one else should given an opinion on it. She also thinks my Dad is a bad influence.

 

Granted, the papers haven’t been served yet, but can someone try to explain this behavior? Is she acting out because I’m not responding to her anymore and she’s trying to get me to engage her? What’s the deal? Is it all about control?

From the standpoint of a financial professional...

Let's be honest, it would have been worth going to a mediator and trying to work things out. I'm certain you will lose more with lawyers and fighting that you would with settling.

If you can't mediate, fine..go with your lawyer. And don't believe for a second that since you've paid the lawyer their retainer that you still can't go to mediation. You can. Have them draw up the paperwork. Have your already paid for lawyer review it if you can agree. File and be done.

Kid,

You are asking questions many of us have asked when going through all this. Basically you are trying to make sense out of nonsense.

To answer your question from someone that has been through what you are going through:

She was living a fantasy with you as her safety net. It was all good while you were footing the bill and she had a safe place to land but as soon as you stopped being a doormat and stood up for yourself reality came crashing down on her and now she is in panic mode. The thing is they almost never plan things out, they just start making their escape assuming you will continue to love and support them while they run off leaving you holding the bag.

I would advise you to take the high road as much as possible, not for her but for your own self. Karma will serve her a nice plate regret sooner or later.

Since you hired an attorney and you have no children there is no reason to speak to her and it is not advisable as she may try and use your words against you. Do your best to ignore her and her attempts to get you to engage, it is far to late for that now. If she texts or calls you simply send her a text and ask her to send you an email with her specific requests and you will give it some thought. This gives you a written record so save each and every correspondence.

Mediation may not be possible but it is worth reconsidering. If she is agreeable to leaving your retirement alone and not trying to stick you with her student debt then why not go that route? Since you make twice what she does you may be on the hook for her attorneys fees so take a step back and shelve your ego and pride and look at this as a business transaction. The thing about mediation is that when it is all done and the final papers are ready you can always have an attorney review the settlement BEFORE they are filed with the court.

Cancelling the card in my opinion was the smart thing to do. You may have gotten some satisfaction from sticking it to her but try and change those motives from that mind set to getting this done as fast as possible with the best possible outcome overall. That means playing the long game and passing up opportunities to teach her a lesson. That isn't your job anyways and Karma will take care of that for you.

Both working and only a 5 year marriage I don't see you paying any spousal support at all. Be willing to deal and give things up to shorten this process. It is best to get this done as fast as possible while she is reeling from what she has done, let it go on to long and she will just get more and more difficult as her life continues to fall to pieces.

Take the high road and keep posting

Lost

Kid,

 

You are asking questions many of us have asked when going through all this. Basically you are trying to make sense out of nonsense.

 

To answer your question from someone that has been through what you are going through:

 

She was living a fantasy with you as her safety net. It was all good while you were footing the bill and she had a safe place to land but as soon as you stopped being a doormat and stood up for yourself reality came crashing down on her and now she is in panic mode. The thing is they almost never plan things out, they just start making their escape assuming you will continue to love and support them while they run off leaving you holding the bag.

 

I would advise you to take the high road as much as possible, not for her but for your own self. Karma will serve her a nice plate regret sooner or later.

 

Since you hired an attorney and you have no children there is no reason to speak to her and it is not advisable as she may try and use your words against you. Do your best to ignore her and her attempts to get you to engage, it is far to late for that now. If she texts or calls you simply send her a text and ask her to send you an email with her specific requests and you will give it some thought. This gives you a written record so save each and every correspondence.

 

Mediation may not be possible but it is worth reconsidering. If she is agreeable to leaving your retirement alone and not trying to stick you with her student debt then why not go that route? Since you make twice what she does you may be on the hook for her attorneys fees so take a step back and shelve your ego and pride and look at this as a business transaction. The thing about mediation is that when it is all done and the final papers are ready you can always have an attorney review the settlement BEFORE they are filed with the court.

 

Cancelling the card in my opinion was the smart thing to do. You may have gotten some satisfaction from sticking it to her but try and change those motives from that mind set to getting this done as fast as possible with the best possible outcome overall. That means playing the long game and passing up opportunities to teach her a lesson. That isn't your job anyways and Karma will take care of that for you.

 

Both working and only a 5 year marriage I don't see you paying any spousal support at all. Be willing to deal and give things up to shorten this process. It is best to get this done as fast as possible while she is reeling from what she has done, let it go on to long and she will just get more and more difficult as her life continues to fall to pieces.

 

Take the high road and keep posting

 

Lost

Thanks for the lengthy reply, Lost.

I agree with you; she liked having me as a safety net and got upset when I cancelled the credit card. The card, itself, was registered solely to my name, and since she wasn't responding to my e-mails about mutual bills, I had to take action. I wasn't trying to upset her or make her feel bad; I just didn't want to get stuck with more debt. (I can pay the debts, no problem, but why take on more if we aren't communicating?)

I sat around and wracked my brain about some of her actions. Why did she call my parents? Why did she delete all of our pictures from social media? Why did she block me on social media? Why did she start posting with her maiden name again? It was all a massive waste of time because I won't be able to figure it out. It was probably all emotionally produced. It's only been 3 weeks and we were together for 10 years.

I have been taking the high road as much as possible. We've had zero contact for 11 days now; she sent those emotional messages to my parents, which seemed odd, but emotion was overriding her logic. I tried calling her Mom 2 weeks ago to talk, but she didn't return my call. My goal of the call was to tell her I appreciated everything she did for me. She didn't call back, which is fine. I respect that.

At this point, I don't think mediation, without legal representation, is worth it for me. I have a potential severance package in the 6-figure range that I need to protect. I haven't been offered it yet, but I could be offered it in the next 4-6 months. From a cost benefit perspective, it was worth hiring the attorney.

For the first few weeks, I was emotional and hurt. I'm man enough to admit it and some of my actions may look rash. At the same time, we were together 10 years, I did everything I could help and protect her on an emotional, financial, and physical perspective. We spent our entire 20s together and I always look back and have fond memories.

On your last point, I agree about the spousal support, but just from talking to the attorney, I think I'll be on the hook for some. I want to be fair with this whole process; I'm not trying to upset her or take advantage of her. I just want to keep moving forward with my life.

My one question is: I filed for divorce about 2 weeks ago. She hasn't been served yet. I asked my attorney what the deal is---and she told me they've made multiple attempts, but have been unsuccessful. Could she be dodging it, are they not showing up when I tell them to show up, etc.? I've told them to try serving her before/after work, but she works odd hours. It's frustrating, but that part of the process is out my hands.