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Thread: Dealing with the Pain of Divorce

  1. #21
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    You two continue to hurt one another. Why? Is it THAT important to one-up her? If it is, why?

    Ponder your own motivations. We can't possibly know hers, but YOU can know YOURS.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thekid55
    Well, things just keep getting more interesting.

    The divorce papers have not been served to her yet, but her behavior is still erratic. I’ve been in NC for 8 days now while she attempted contact a few times. I’ve blown her off each time, which is probably infuriating her.

    1. On Monday, she was pleading, via text, to go to the financial mediator. (A week before, she refused to go, and now suddenly changed her mind) I already hired an attorney, so this isn’t an option. When the mediator told her I canceled the appointment, she texted me and told me about how ‘immature’ I was being.

    2. On Wednesday, she deleted all pictures of us from her social media accounts. Also, she blocked me and changed her display name back to her maiden name.

    3. On Thursday, she called my Mom in the morning. This is the first she called her in about a year. Granted, they were never THAT close, but my wife was trying to get information about me from her, wife accused me on being a liar, my Mom told her to just divorce me at this point and my wife was silent.

    4. On Friday, she sent my Dad a lengthy email. The email blamed him for our marriage falling apart. She also wrote a few lines, blaming me for the failure of the marriage for ‘not being nice’ and ‘seekinf The advice from my family’. She claims she’s the only one that knows what happened and no one else should given an opinion on it. She also thinks my Dad is a bad influence.

    Granted, the papers haven’t been served yet, but can someone try to explain this behavior? Is she acting out because I’m not responding to her anymore and she’s trying to get me to engage her? What’s the deal? Is it all about control?
    Kidd...are you ok? Im not asking as an insult or a put down, I am having an INCREDIBLY hard time understanding your motives and logic right now.

    You have posted some down right abusive narratives that you got from Lord knows where.

    You appear to be following these narratives.

    You have been responded to MULTIPLE times by multiple people, that you need to stop, friends have told you, mediators have told you, the only people who seem to be ok with your actions right now are your parents and lets be honest YOU made the statement that their divorce and your mothers subsequent reliance on you affected your marriage so the possibility that theres some codepenence there is high...

    I just I don't understand what you want...

    Why ask this?

    Granted, the papers haven’t been served yet, but can someone try to explain this behavior? Is she acting out because I’m not responding to her anymore and she’s trying to get me to engage her? What’s the deal? Is it all about control?
    Whats her deal?

    You're treating her lower than a stranger on the street.

    is she trying to get me to engage?

    YES!!!! You're going through a divorce!!!

    Can someone explain this behavior?

    She is reacting to your crazy making borderline abusive behavior

    Is this about control?

    For you it most certainly is.

    Stevie Wonder can see this...so I HAVE to wonder whats going on with you?

    How have you been able to swing a complete emotional 180?

    Do you think this will somehow stop reality from hitting? The pain from hitting? Youd have to be made of steel to not have a divorce from someone you love not hurt...

    YOU.ARE.GOING.TO.REGRET.THIS.

    Literally all of this including the divorce in my opinion wouldnt have happened if you'd just stop this macho manly bull. You pushed her away! You didn't listen just like you arent listening now...so again I ask

    Are you ok?

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by thekid55
    Well, things just keep getting more interesting.

    The divorce papers have not been served to her yet, but her behavior is still erratic. I’ve been in NC for 8 days now while she attempted contact a few times. I’ve blown her off each time, which is probably infuriating her.

    1. On Monday, she was pleading, via text, to go to the financial mediator. (A week before, she refused to go, and now suddenly changed her mind) I already hired an attorney, so this isn’t an option. When the mediator told her I canceled the appointment, she texted me and told me about how ‘immature’ I was being.

    2. On Wednesday, she deleted all pictures of us from her social media accounts. Also, she blocked me and changed her display name back to her maiden name.

    3. On Thursday, she called my Mom in the morning. This is the first she called her in about a year. Granted, they were never THAT close, but my wife was trying to get information about me from her, wife accused me on being a liar, my Mom told her to just divorce me at this point and my wife was silent.

    4. On Friday, she sent my Dad a lengthy email. The email blamed him for our marriage falling apart. She also wrote a few lines, blaming me for the failure of the marriage for ‘not being nice’ and ‘seekinf The advice from my family’. She claims she’s the only one that knows what happened and no one else should given an opinion on it. She also thinks my Dad is a bad influence.

    Granted, the papers haven’t been served yet, but can someone try to explain this behavior? Is she acting out because I’m not responding to her anymore and she’s trying to get me to engage her? What’s the deal? Is it all about control?
    From the standpoint of a financial professional...

    Let's be honest, it would have been worth going to a mediator and trying to work things out. I'm certain you will lose more with lawyers and fighting that you would with settling.

    If you can't mediate, fine..go with your lawyer. And don't believe for a second that since you've paid the lawyer their retainer that you still can't go to mediation. You can. Have them draw up the paperwork. Have your already paid for lawyer review it if you can agree. File and be done.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Kid,

    You are asking questions many of us have asked when going through all this. Basically you are trying to make sense out of nonsense.

    To answer your question from someone that has been through what you are going through:

    She was living a fantasy with you as her safety net. It was all good while you were footing the bill and she had a safe place to land but as soon as you stopped being a doormat and stood up for yourself reality came crashing down on her and now she is in panic mode. The thing is they almost never plan things out, they just start making their escape assuming you will continue to love and support them while they run off leaving you holding the bag.

    I would advise you to take the high road as much as possible, not for her but for your own self. Karma will serve her a nice plate regret sooner or later.

    Since you hired an attorney and you have no children there is no reason to speak to her and it is not advisable as she may try and use your words against you. Do your best to ignore her and her attempts to get you to engage, it is far to late for that now. If she texts or calls you simply send her a text and ask her to send you an email with her specific requests and you will give it some thought. This gives you a written record so save each and every correspondence.

    Mediation may not be possible but it is worth reconsidering. If she is agreeable to leaving your retirement alone and not trying to stick you with her student debt then why not go that route? Since you make twice what she does you may be on the hook for her attorneys fees so take a step back and shelve your ego and pride and look at this as a business transaction. The thing about mediation is that when it is all done and the final papers are ready you can always have an attorney review the settlement BEFORE they are filed with the court.

    Cancelling the card in my opinion was the smart thing to do. You may have gotten some satisfaction from sticking it to her but try and change those motives from that mind set to getting this done as fast as possible with the best possible outcome overall. That means playing the long game and passing up opportunities to teach her a lesson. That isn't your job anyways and Karma will take care of that for you.

    Both working and only a 5 year marriage I don't see you paying any spousal support at all. Be willing to deal and give things up to shorten this process. It is best to get this done as fast as possible while she is reeling from what she has done, let it go on to long and she will just get more and more difficult as her life continues to fall to pieces.

    Take the high road and keep posting

    Lost

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Kid,

    You are asking questions many of us have asked when going through all this. Basically you are trying to make sense out of nonsense.

    To answer your question from someone that has been through what you are going through:

    She was living a fantasy with you as her safety net. It was all good while you were footing the bill and she had a safe place to land but as soon as you stopped being a doormat and stood up for yourself reality came crashing down on her and now she is in panic mode. The thing is they almost never plan things out, they just start making their escape assuming you will continue to love and support them while they run off leaving you holding the bag.

    I would advise you to take the high road as much as possible, not for her but for your own self. Karma will serve her a nice plate regret sooner or later.

    Since you hired an attorney and you have no children there is no reason to speak to her and it is not advisable as she may try and use your words against you. Do your best to ignore her and her attempts to get you to engage, it is far to late for that now. If she texts or calls you simply send her a text and ask her to send you an email with her specific requests and you will give it some thought. This gives you a written record so save each and every correspondence.

    Mediation may not be possible but it is worth reconsidering. If she is agreeable to leaving your retirement alone and not trying to stick you with her student debt then why not go that route? Since you make twice what she does you may be on the hook for her attorneys fees so take a step back and shelve your ego and pride and look at this as a business transaction. The thing about mediation is that when it is all done and the final papers are ready you can always have an attorney review the settlement BEFORE they are filed with the court.

    Cancelling the card in my opinion was the smart thing to do. You may have gotten some satisfaction from sticking it to her but try and change those motives from that mind set to getting this done as fast as possible with the best possible outcome overall. That means playing the long game and passing up opportunities to teach her a lesson. That isn't your job anyways and Karma will take care of that for you.

    Both working and only a 5 year marriage I don't see you paying any spousal support at all. Be willing to deal and give things up to shorten this process. It is best to get this done as fast as possible while she is reeling from what she has done, let it go on to long and she will just get more and more difficult as her life continues to fall to pieces.

    Take the high road and keep posting

    Lost
    Thanks for the lengthy reply, Lost.

    I agree with you; she liked having me as a safety net and got upset when I cancelled the credit card. The card, itself, was registered solely to my name, and since she wasn't responding to my e-mails about mutual bills, I had to take action. I wasn't trying to upset her or make her feel bad; I just didn't want to get stuck with more debt. (I can pay the debts, no problem, but why take on more if we aren't communicating?)

    I sat around and wracked my brain about some of her actions. Why did she call my parents? Why did she delete all of our pictures from social media? Why did she block me on social media? Why did she start posting with her maiden name again? It was all a massive waste of time because I won't be able to figure it out. It was probably all emotionally produced. It's only been 3 weeks and we were together for 10 years.

    I have been taking the high road as much as possible. We've had zero contact for 11 days now; she sent those emotional messages to my parents, which seemed odd, but emotion was overriding her logic. I tried calling her Mom 2 weeks ago to talk, but she didn't return my call. My goal of the call was to tell her I appreciated everything she did for me. She didn't call back, which is fine. I respect that.

    At this point, I don't think mediation, without legal representation, is worth it for me. I have a potential severance package in the 6-figure range that I need to protect. I haven't been offered it yet, but I could be offered it in the next 4-6 months. From a cost benefit perspective, it was worth hiring the attorney.

    For the first few weeks, I was emotional and hurt. I'm man enough to admit it and some of my actions may look rash. At the same time, we were together 10 years, I did everything I could help and protect her on an emotional, financial, and physical perspective. We spent our entire 20s together and I always look back and have fond memories.

    On your last point, I agree about the spousal support, but just from talking to the attorney, I think I'll be on the hook for some. I want to be fair with this whole process; I'm not trying to upset her or take advantage of her. I just want to keep moving forward with my life.

    My one question is: I filed for divorce about 2 weeks ago. She hasn't been served yet. I asked my attorney what the deal is---and she told me they've made multiple attempts, but have been unsuccessful. Could she be dodging it, are they not showing up when I tell them to show up, etc.? I've told them to try serving her before/after work, but she works odd hours. It's frustrating, but that part of the process is out my hands.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I filed for divorce about 2 weeks ago. She hasn't been served yet. I asked my attorney what the deal is---and she told me they've made multiple attempts, but have been unsuccessful. Could she be dodging it, are they not showing up when I tell them to show up, etc.? I've told them to try serving her before/after work, but she works odd hours. It's frustrating, but that part of the process is out my hands.
    It actually pretty hard to avoid being served for too long, especially if you don't know its coming. Its my understanding they can even serve you at work. So if your goal is to catch her, work is going to probably be your best bet.

    BUT FWIW I cant help but feel like this question and these questions:

    I sat around and wracked my brain about some of her actions. Why did she call my parents? Why did she delete all of our pictures from social media? Why did she block me on social media? Why did she start posting with her maiden name again? It was all a massive waste of time because I won't be able to figure it out. It was probably all emotionally produced. It's only been 3 weeks and we were together for 10 years.
    Is an attempt to have a responder say "shes hurt" or "she doesn't want a divorce" and while I dont know whether or not she wants a divorce I can say with no uncertainty you reached your goal of hurting her.

    What I am having a hard time understanding is why wonder why a woman you're attempting to divorce would change her name on social media? I would assume because she recognizes the end of your relationship is here. Same reason she deleted all your photos and blocked you. Im assuming she called your parents to understand why you did a complete 180. Now shes doing exactly what you say you're doing: self preservation.

    No one wants to be hurt Kidd. Whats confusing about that? When people are pushed away they eventually walk away.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Kid,

    All the social media crap is her way of lashing out at you. Since she has no other way of doing it that is what she did. It is also kind of like the person that is getting fired turning around and telling their boss "You can't fire me, I quit" Leave all that nonsense behind and focus on the important things.

    Getting her served can be tricky but if you know where she works and her basic hours then she is either at work or at home right? I am sure she will be served soon enough so let them handle it. There are a number of days she will have after being served to file a rebuttal and pay for her portion of the divorce with the county.

    The marriage is over, she is fooling around with another guy more than likely and you have to much free time to sit and think about this stuff.

    You need to keep your mind and body busy with the things you can control and accept the things you cannot. Focus on you and your life and stop seeking answers to questions she probably cannot answer...

    Lost

  9. #28
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Well, I got an e-mail from her last night regarding the serving of papers. It came in at around 10:30pm. As prequel to this e-mail, my attorney told me that several attempts were made to serve her at her parents' house, which is where she's living right now. The server encountered her stepdad at one point who was identified as a 'hostile male'. Her stepdad told the server he didn't know when she'd be home. (Lies) I'm guessing her stepdad told her about this.

    (P.S. I have no control on when the servers go to homes, btw. Going on Good Friday is not ideal, but this was out of my control) Anyway, here is her e-mail to me:

    ///

    Hi thekid55,

    I was made aware that a process server visited my Mom's house on Good Friday 4/19/19 looking to serve me. Unfortunately, I was not home at the time. I know that if an attempt is made and they are unsuccessful usually other attempts follow. I wanted to give you a heads up that I will be unavailable until Thursday 4/25/19 to accept these papers so any attempts made from now until then will be unsuccessful. I would be available to meet the process server on Friday 4/26/19 if that works. Otherwise, what is easiest is to have your attorney contact my attorney and send him the papers. I have already given you his information but again my attorney is Attorney ABC at 8675309 and his email address is on this email.

    Thank you,
    Her

    ///

    My attorney is going to try to serve the paperwork to her attorney.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Kid,

    All the social media crap is her way of lashing out at you. Since she has no other way of doing it that is what she did. It is also kind of like the person that is getting fired turning around and telling their boss "You can't fire me, I quit" Leave all that nonsense behind and focus on the important things.

    Getting her served can be tricky but if you know where she works and her basic hours then she is either at work or at home right? I am sure she will be served soon enough so let them handle it. There are a number of days she will have after being served to file a rebuttal and pay for her portion of the divorce with the county.

    The marriage is over, she is fooling around with another guy more than likely and you have to much free time to sit and think about this stuff.

    You need to keep your mind and body busy with the things you can control and accept the things you cannot. Focus on you and your life and stop seeking answers to questions she probably cannot answer...

    Lost
    Hey Lost. Thanks for the reply and I respect your opinions.

    Yes, agreed. The social media stuff is just garbage. I deactivated all of my accounts. It's a massive time waster and doesn't add any value to my life.

    A few weeks ago, I went through our cell phone logs and saw that she had been calling this one guy constantly. The guy is a friend of a friend (She has a brand new bunch of girlfriends and this friend-of-a-friend is some older, horny orbiter that got arrested for soliciting a prostitute. I only know about him because she tried to set a friend up with him months ago and her friend was disgusted. Once I saw multiple calls to him, I knew something was up. That motivated me to file for divorce. I'm sure this guy is totally blowing up her phone, giving her a ton of attention, etc. Ten years ago, we had our first break-up---and she exhibited some of the same behaviors. (e.g., getting involved with loser guys that gave her attention).

    One other thing to note about the new group of girlfriends---she's been very friendly with this group for about 9 months. They go to the gym together, have gone a few girls' trips together, etc. I've hung out with them a few times, but they aren't my type of crowd and I don't have any desire to hang with them. I know women tend to live through others--and I'm clearly on the outside of this bunch. My wife has also had trouble maintaining friends long-term. She isn't friends with any girls from high school or college, really. On the other hand, I'm still super close to most of the guys I grew up with and went to college with. I've made new friends at work, but we are just very different in these regards.

    A few weeks ago, she told me she wanted a clean break from me---so I'm giving her what she wants.

    In terms of activities, I've been keeping myself busy at work, I go the gym/go running everyday (lost about 10-15 pounds so far), I've been doing a lot of charity/volunteer work on the weekends, coaching little league baseball. I don't go home until 8pm-9pm at night to avoid sitting around and thinking about things. In addition, I bought myself some new things for my apartment that spice things up and packed all of her remaining things up in a box.

    Overall, I'm feeling pretty good.
    Last edited by thekid55; 04-23-2019 at 09:43 AM.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Kid,

    It sounds like you are doing very well. If you find yourself dwelling on stuff try and stop and occupy your mind with something positive. When I used to find myself thinking "what if this or that" "if I had only done this" or whatever I would simply ask myself "What good will come from thinking about this?" and the answer was always NOTHING so I would redirect my thoughts or try and remember all the lyrics to a song or anything really. It worked for me...

    If you can relay the information she gave you about when she will be home to receive the papers. I am pretty sure they have to be served to her in person, not to her attorney. Either way you can respond to her email and ask specifically where and when she will be available on that day to help the server get the job done.

    I think you are doing very well so keep it up and keep posting.

    Read my signature below, I have it framed and it sits on my dresser next to my bed. I used to read each morning and each night to remind me. It helped keep me focused.

    Lost

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