Relationship and finances

Need sound advice. I have been seeing my fiancé for 5 years. The road has been rocky but we vowed to always have each other’s backs. We stayed in different towns for 3 years and I financially assisted her with rent and car payments on a regular basis when her income wasn’t enough (she’s self employed). After 3 years I moved back to our home town and we decided to open her business from home converting our garage into business premises. The “deal” however was that she needed to pay me back the business loan (taken out in my name), her car and insurance (which I had been paying on the majority of occasions) and then a small rental for the business space. This she agreed to. The business started of well, and then took a dip whereby she became 3 payments behind on her commitment. If we take our monthly expenses vs income, I would carry the majority of the expenses via my debit orders as she cannot get credit (I knew from the outset and I accepted her no matter what). On average I cover 67% of the household expenses. However, as time went by our expenses out weighed my income and we had to delve into my investments to keep up payments. Also, and to be fair, we both didn’t watch our spending like we should have done. And the 3 months that she didn’t pay her commitment didn’t help either.

When I realized we were heading for a real problem, I tried to discuss the situation with her, and she literally turned her back on me, escalating a decent concerned conversation into a massive fight. Up until the point where I am literally broke, on the verge of having to sell our house and our 2nd car. I have tried on numerous times that we sit and discuss our financial situation, showing her budgets and giving tips and asking her for tips as well to save money and get our debts paid off. She just turns around and literally says, it’s not her problem, it’s my problem. I have her an ultimatum that we need to solve the problems and why isn’t she having sex with me anymore, for weeks now. And she just brushes me off and says she will rather leave then. And now she’s upset that she must leave without a car etc etc amd how could I have chased her away. In the same breath this week, she wanted to buy a set of golf clubs and even go away for an evening with her girlfriend, knowing full well we haven’t got the funds, and we’re still behind on certain payments.

Any advice would be welcome

You're in a world of hurt.

The first thing you need to do is evict her from your house and stop paying her expenses. Then get a roommate for a year or two until you can pay off your debts.

That's my advice.

It seems you entered a financial commitment only and without documentation.

As in you did, she didn’t.

Have you any evidence of your financial support to her?

You said “our house” and “our car” .

Did you purchase these assets under your name, hers or joint?

Who actually paid for them?

When did you get engaged and why was that commitment not followed through before a financial one?

She is ready to leave. Who suffers more financially if you do split?

I personally would never financially commit to another who doesn’t first commit emotionally.

I’m sorry you are going through this, I suggest you consult a financial advisor?

Distance yourself from her emotionally and keep on top of your payments. The handouts have to stop. I'm not sure at what point you thought it was okay to pay her bills for her. I understand you intended to marry her but this isn't just about lack of capacity. We're now talking about a lack of any willingness on her part to pay and her character is rather off. Even if she was self-employed to start, she should have been trying to work part-time in some capacity to pay the majority of her bills. She latched onto you and you were suckered into her scheme. I'm also sensing a lot of resentment on her part. She was fine working with you because you were generous and giving to her but when she's asked to do any kind of hard work(cutting back on expenses, keeping to her commitments) she doesn't behave like she's part of the team. She forgets the whole point of everything and seems impulsive. I have to ask you, not to be trite: whatever gave you the idea that this person was a good person to marry or do business with? She's a con-artist or likely has never been held accountable for her actions. I doubt that she still has any real idea or understanding about how much trouble she is in because the one person who gave her a chance is rethinking everything.

Is there also anything you are not mentioning? Ie. why do you feel compelled to have each others' backs in such an imbalanced situation? Do you owe her for anything or do you feel guilty for something?

Distance yourself and do your own research, separate your finances. I'd speak to a lawyer if you have been common law partners for awhile.

So she's bled you dry financially, and now she won't have sex with you.

Sounds like a dream come true.

As others have said, evict her, today. Block her from your life.

And seek a therapist who will help you understand why you not only allowed all of this, you invited it.

If you're not willing to do that, then I got nothin'.

no message. it's telling me this is too short to post

Lol, women cost money. If you can't afford a woman, don't give them the money in the first place, and don't date them.

That's what my FIL told my husband. Also a large part of why I divorced him, because he was taught women are hysterical and terrible spenders.

BTW, users come in both genders. Just read the recent threads written by women about men who live with Mom, sit at home drinking and playing video games, have no jobs and are asking the woman for money.

NO reason at all for the OP to be denied the money he's owed by this so-called girlfriend. And no one is obligated to give money to an SO.

OP, this may turn out to be a very expensive life lesson. Don't give money unless you are fine with never getting it back.

Hi Rose, and all. Thanks for the advice. I can sit here and say I’m perfect and I am not. I think however if people on this site want sound advice, then they have to be true and honest with what they are posting. It’s no use a person posts in here to make themselves look good, as they won’t get the honest and truthful answers they are seeking. Thus with that said, there’s always 3 sides to a story, his, hers and the truth. NB I say the above with no sarcasm or maliciousness and I thank each and everyone thus far for their comments. Especially when you’re in love with someone, it makes a break kind of difficult. My take on a relationship is that it ain’t easy, but when the “uncomfortable” discussions or chats need to come up in a relationship then one mustn’t feel you can’t communicate. That’s the mother of all f/ups in any relationship. Communication and honesty is key.

I agree fully Bolt, my intention when I helped out was to get nothing back in return, but when I’m in the dwang, then I expect my partner to step up to the plate and not give a thousand excuses as to why it can’t be done

Actually the problem is not just money - she's changed and does not want to give anything back to him or the relationship, sex, or money. Plus, there are more arguments. But it's not her that's changed, it's her heart. Her love level has gone down. If there is enough love left in her heart, it could be built up. He needs to figure out where he took her for granted - in the romance, respect, affection, or trust department.

Then again she might be past the point of no return, as far as loving him again - her telling him the money is his problem sounds like resentment. Women often don't leave until they really hate the guy and don't care - she's trying to stick it to you, get back at you for taking her for granted. This is not a conscious decision on her part, she's just reacting to her emotions.

Hi Billie, I refer to “our” things but everything is on my name. And yup I was warned to get a legal document in place but up until last year, I didn’t have any reason why not to trust my fiancé after being together for 4 years

Hi Gary, relationships are never perfect and I am most certainly not. I commit pretty strongly and with this situation, of every time trying to communicate and I get shot down as such, then I do withdraw to a large extent

Actually the problem is not just money - she's changed and does not want to give anything back to him or the relationship, sex, or money. Plus, there are more arguments. But it's not her that's changed, it's her heart. Her love level has gone down. If there is enough love left in her heart, it could be built up. He needs to figure out where he took her for granted - in the romance, respect, affection, or trust department.

 

Then again she might be past the point of no return, as far as loving him again - her telling him the money is her problem sounds like resentment. Women often don't leave until they really hate the guy and don't care - she's trying to stick it to you, get back at you for taking her for granted. This is not a conscious decision on her part, she's just reacting to her emotions.

This is a good point however if she felt taken forgranted, the first step would be to address it and communicate the emotional issues, separate from the finances. I'm speaking about character, not just capacity to pay, here. Her character is in question because even if there are emotional issues she should be able to tell the difference and be able to acknowledge that they're now tied in terms of financial responsibilities. Even if she feels like the majority of the finances are his and he should carry that weight, she might want to argue that it's slightly imbalanced or that weight is not evenly distributed. OP, did she ever speak with you coherently about imbalances in the financial weight or her side of the story?

Her character is also off considering the request for golf clubs, timing is off and a bit silly. At what point does she think that this will be received well by her partner? If she really feels so good about new golf clubs at this time, why not move out and do whatever she wants? It's a bit ridiculous to be stringing this man along or continue using his funds to pay her bills. Again, character. Nothing about her in this story suggests to me that she has any idea about how to conduct herself in a trustworthy manner so even if the OP's conduct is called into question, she is not a very good measure of it already. Considering her "love levels" may have gone down, so has her bank account and she's done very little to to help herself. Again, character. Now why should I be concerned about a woman's love levels when she can't even take care of her own bank account levels?

This is a good point however if she felt taken forgranted, the first step would be to address it and communicate the emotional issues, separate from the finances. I'm speaking about character, not just capacity to pay, here. Her character is in question because even if there are emotional issues she should be able to tell the difference and be able to acknowledge that they're now tied in terms of financial responsibilities. Even if she feels like the majority of the finances are his and he should carry that weight, she might want to argue that it's slightly imbalanced or that weight is not evenly distributed. OP, did she ever speak with you coherently about imbalances in the financial weight or her side of the story?

 

Her character is also off considering the request for golf clubs, timing is off and a bit silly. At what point does she think that this will be received well by her partner? If she really feels so good about new golf clubs at this time, why not move out and do whatever she wants? It's a bit ridiculous to be stringing this man along or continue using his funds to pay her bills. Again, character. Nothing about her in this story suggests to me that she has any idea about how to conduct herself in a trustworthy manner so even if the OP's conduct is called into question, she is not a very good measure of it already. Considering her "love levels" may have gone down, so has her bank account and she's done very little to to help herself. Again, character. Now why should I be concerned about a woman's love levels when she can't even take care of her own bank account levels?

- that's a wonderful idea, but unfortunately, reality is, she's not doctor Phil, and neither are most women - nor most men. She does not have the capacity to understand logically what's going on.........plus, it's hard to see past one's own feelings, feelings can cloud judgement. Heck, some counselors don't even know what's going on.

The main reason for divorce is not money - somebody fell out of love. Another myth busted today.

Op, PM me if it's possible? maybe I can help. I'll need the entire relationship story.

I’ve got to be dead honest, I don’t think at any point I took he for granted, it may just be the other way round

Maybe you didn't take her for granted - if she's always been this way since you started dating her - but I'm betting she was more excited about the relationship in the beginning, right? Or maybe she has some mental issue? But from your post, it sounds like she changed during the course of the relationship?

This is not the time to be defensive. Can you admit that all of us are not perfect? Do you still take her on Friday night dates and not talk about money? and do you still do some of the nice things you did in the first few months you met her?

- that's a wonderful idea, but unfortunately, reality is, she's not doctor Phil, and neither are most women - nor most men. She does not have the capacity to understand logically what's going on.........plus, it's hard to see past one's own feelings, feelings can cloud judgement. Heck, some counselors don't even know what's going on.

 

The main reason for divorce is not money - somebody fell out of love. Another myth busted today.

 

Op, PM me if it's possible? maybe I can help. I'll need the entire relationship story.

In regards to her lack of capacity to understand what's going on, that's not what I've been talking about and you might have misunderstood what I'm saying. When I refer to capacity it is capacity to pay. She has no capacity to pay (financially). A person can be forgiven their temporary lack of capacity due to any number of circumstances (ie. health, other issues) What I am doing is calling into question her character as well. I'm suggesting she has poor character in general. It's a lousy excuse in my mind to blame poor character on general stupidity.

I financially assisted her with rent and car payments on a regular basis

Lesson here: Never go into business or invest in a business when they can't figure out how to pay their own bills every time all the time.

Dump her sorry ass, cut her off from your purse strings. Change the locks. Have friends and family pack up her crap, and set it outside, and tell her a day/time to come get it while you are gone with the house locked. She took advantage of you. You thought she would change if given the hand up. Nope. People who can't figure it out year after year, after 5 years of constant regular hand-outs, she won't be any different.

Rose, once the money dried up, and after I had been highlighting the pending e was going to hit the fan, she all of a sudden said, but i warned you, which she never did. Don’t get me wrong, both of us handled the finances pretty poor, I think it’s a case of when she needed me to bail her out, I was there. I now need her, and nada

Hey Gary, trust me I’m not on the defensive. And to answer your question, we go out every now and then, and we both love making food (we have a mini gourmet kitchen with a wok station), so we are regularly treating each other to dinners here at home

Lesson learned? I can't stress this enough....Don't be paying anyones rent, car payments, groceries, electric bill, nothing. If they are an adult, they need to be adult and deal with their own finical problems....I don't care if there is a ring on the finger, money ends relationships and marriages. My husband and I don't share our money. He has his, I have mine. We split everything down the middle for the household needs. If I need to buy a car, it's coming out of my own pocket. If he wants to blow money on a new Harley, he can have at'er. We have been together got almost 30 years and we don't fight over money because there is nothing to fight over. If there is a loss of job, we both have money and investment to draw on of our own because we planned for it. I think if you start dating someone that has unreliable income, and is living hand to mouth you should consider not dating them. Look where it has gotten you...you are about to lose everything that you worked so hard for. She's got her back up because she knows she can't give any of that money back, so she's disconnecting herself to walk away leaving you with the mess.

You're in a world of hurt.

 

The first thing you need to do is evict her from your house and stop paying her expenses. Then get a roommate for a year or two until you can pay off your debts.

 

That's my advice.

This is great advice.

Dude, you have known for a long time how she was with money. You should not have taken the loan out in your name. Not smart.

She is selfish, irresponsible and uncaring. This is the woman you want to spend a lifetime with? Don't get it! She sounds like a lovely and selfless woman. Not!

Hi Rose, and all. Thanks for the advice. I can sit here and say I’m perfect and I am not. I think however if people on this site want sound advice, then they have to be true and honest with what they are posting. It’s no use a person posts in here to make themselves look good, as they won’t get the honest and truthful answers they are seeking. Thus with that said, there’s always 3 sides to a story, his, hers and the truth. NB I say the above with no sarcasm or maliciousness and I thank each and everyone thus far for their comments. Especially when you’re in love with someone, it makes a break kind of difficult. My take on a relationship is that it ain’t easy, but when the “uncomfortable” discussions or chats need to come up in a relationship then one mustn’t feel you can’t communicate. That’s the mother of all f/ups in any relationship. Communication and honesty is key.

She has shown you from the start. I'm sorry, but this is on you. You are not married, you should not have been supporting her.

Hi Billie, I refer to “our” things but everything is on my name. And yup I was warned to get a legal document in place but up until last year, I didn’t have any reason why not to trust my fiancé after being together for 4 years

You didn't document it. Oh goodness.

Certainly, you knew what a self serving individual she was? I can't believe that she morphed into this b*tch overnight. She does not give a damn about you. She can't be that great in bed!

What kind of advice are you looking for? She's a spoilt brat who is not responsible with money at all.

You're never go to see your money again so best you can do is square up on your bills and say adios.