Recent break up and contact.

EDIT: Sorry, I’ve posted this in the wrong section. Could a mod move this to the healing after breakup section for me?

So I broke up with with my girlfriend a couple days ago. It was a toxic relationship with her often putting me down (how I dress, walk, hobbies, constantly threatening to end the relationship. The list goes on). Against my better judgement (and the good advice of people here) we stayed together a bit longer than was healthy.

Anyway, I’m living abroad just now so the effects of the break up are hitting me a little harder since it’s increasing the loneliness factor quite a bit. She messaged me yesterday and said how she was sorry how things turned out and “because you came to Japan for (her) I want you to still message me whenever you have trouble here and I’ll help you” I thanked her but obviously don’t have any intention of taking her up on that. Then, despite the fact she told me when we broke up she couldn’t even bring herself to feel anything for me anymore she said she still wants to be able to come visit me, stay over, watch movies etc just with no sex, sleeping together or other “coupley stuff”. Again I told her that that just wasn’t going to work at all for obvious reasons.

Now today she’s trying to initiate conversation with me all day, sending me pictures of her cats and things acting like it’s normal. Then she hits out with “can I come to your house today to hang out?” Again, I told her no even though (and I hate myself for it) part of me wants to see her still and is lonely.

She said “thank you for stopping me” but then 20 minutes later “if we stay in a relationship can I come? I’m lonely by myself”

I guess I just need to vent this and have some other people tell me how bad this woman is for me to help keep my willpower up. This is t normal behaviour is it? Some assurance I’m doing the right thing? I don’t know, it’s hard not having anyone here to talk to about this I guess.

Thanks for reading.

You're doing great and doing everything right. Don't cave and let her back in. It sounds like you were her verbal punch bag so to speak, and she doesn't have that anymore so she's trying to wriggle her way back in. She will only treat you like crap again and i think you know that. Keep being strong. I admire your willpower.

All set, Snow.

Then she hits out with “can I come to your house today to hang out?” Again, I told her no even though (and I hate myself for it) part of me wants to see her still and is lonely.

I understand this all too well today. I'm sitting at home alone while 90% of friends at work or with kids and the loneliness is almost crippling. I've had to cry it out a couple of times already and it's still there just below the surface. And that makes the desire to reach out massive because I know she's available at this time. It sucks so bad. I haven't and won't, but totally get how hard it is. Stay strong. In the long run it's worth it.

Don't respond to her anymore. It might hurt you for the short term, but you'll be better off in the long run. She's weak and disrespectful. Leave her alone.

You can help your situation by going out and talking a walk, take your mind off of things and start filling your mind with more constructive activities. Japan has an endless amount of things to do and see and the country is quite safe. Until you learn fully that you do not need her for any happiness, you're vulnerable. Get out of that and stop speaking with her and don't see her again.

This woman really does sound terrible. I know some people try to use their ex for emotional comfort and to feel less lonely, but to say that reason directly to you hints to an instability and narcissism that you should definitely avoid. You're making all the right moves. My suggestion would be to change your number so you don't receive her messages anymore. Her being able to contact you is just messing with your head and making the healing process more difficult .

How brave of you for not staying in that horrible relationship, fearing loneliness, seriously congrats!

Now, you have done the hardest part and made the decision to end it, what you need to do is do yourself a favor and block her. She has nothing positive to offer you.

Try to meet other people there, make new friends, I can imagine this wouldn't be easy but you should try.

You are not alone!

I broke up with my girlfriend... she told me when we broke up she couldn’t even bring herself to feel anything for me anymore...."if we stay in a relationship can I come? I’m lonely by myself”

Was this a mutual decision, or did you call it quits? Or did she?

Anyway it sounds like she is trying to bargain her way back in at some level. She tried the friendzone, and when that failed might have been offering friends with benefits - probably a bad idea.

The gut feeling is this is all a gambit on her part to get back to where you were before.

Tell her to go and get some therapy to fix her habit of putting her partner down and constantly threatening to dump them.

I doubt she'll do it, but it might see her off so she stops bothering you.

Thank you all very much for your kind words! I’ll keep on keeping on.