10 years LTR, she´s in rebound, but steady contact with me

Hello everyone:-)

I´d like to get my ex back :-)

- She 37, me 38.

- 10 years LTR (never had been separated more than 1 week)

- Didn´t pursue her interests (most of the time, not always, of course), just pursued my interests and she always just followed me after complaining a few times, which I´ve ignored (she´s got a helper syndrome and borderline).

- I took her for granted (making meals everyday, etc.) - although I always told her that I love her and that she looks great.

- I needed more sex than her, so I always acted a bit frustrated when it came to that and of course she also got frustrated because of my behavior.

- Lived together in my parents big house, she always wanted to move out to somewhere else because my parents never liked her and vice versa. I´ve ignored that as well, as I am self-employed and the costs savings were great. I had some difficult years with my company too, so always told her "next year we´ll move out", never happened. But this year it really would have happened, as finances were great (and still are).

- All of that (and mainly me) took her self esteem as she said and the attraction to me (physical attraction was still there, it´s the emotional attraction that got lost as she said).

- She did the break-up start of February, just left me while I was still sleeping and packed all her stuff the days before without me even noticing it (she´s a smart girl and I was at the computer most of the time). She sent a WhatsApp and apologized for the way she left, telling me that she could not do it in person because she always felt so guilty. She even left some tranquilizers

- She told me several times start of January that she would prefer to break up and if I would agree. Of course, I did not and felt really sad and hurt, promising her that we will move out of the parent's house this year until summer (and now I am doing it alone by the way, so my plan was no fake or anything). She told me that there is no way anymore because her emotional feelings for me have "not been there" anymore since at least 1 year (although she often told me otherwise). But she would like to stay friends, in ANY case, that would be super important for her.

- Of course, I did the usual crying and begging that she should come back. She was very emotional and told me she hates me and that I did her no good the last years and that it´s all my fault. Once emotions settled, she apologized for that.

- She was telling me that if I would not stop messaging her, she would block me, I stopped and decided to watch like a felt million of hours of videos about getting your ex back.

- After 3 days of silence, I told her that I accept the break-up (not agree!) and understand her motivation. That led to several FRIENDLY (not fighting at all) phone calls of several hours with her, working out what exactly went wrong together with her and it was a nice atmosphere, we laughed a lot (like we always did during our relationship). However, I also found out that there is a new guy in her life, completely the opposite of me (everything I did not do in our relationship, he does it and she was instantly in love as she told me, haha), and she is already in a relationship with him 1 week after the break up and that she met him just a few days before doing the break-up with me. And of course, that he has nothing to do with the break-up at all and that she broke up just because of me. Yea, right ;-)

- Contact with her from there on happened all few days via WhatsApp, no longer pauses than 36 hours. It was always her who initiated the contact, messaging me about unimportant things, like that she has a few DVD´s that she still needs. How I am doing, and if I met a new girl yet (and funnily I did within the first week, but we just did meet up a few times until I noticed I don´t want her to be a rebound and work on myself instead first). She wished me good luck with her and that I may get happy - wished the same to her and her new BF, although my heart was breaking, I acted extremely professional, she was really wondering how I was able to handle it ;-) However, everything sounded like a typical rebound with her new BF in my opinion, so I was calm as much as possible right from the start about this. Because she was telling me about the great plans both of them have for the next years after just 2 weeks, haha.

- Contact never broke down the last 7 weeks, but instead intensified more and more. Out of sudden, she started to tell me what she is doing today, posting some pictures of where she´s been recently, talking with me about the old times of our relationship, although nothing like "I want you back or whatever", just things like "oh do you remember that song?", etc.. I did the same to build up positive emotions towards me again and that worked as I could tell by her positive reactions and memories.

- I worked hard on myself during the last 7 weeks with a psychologist (working against the egoism and the sometimes stupid fights I´ve done with her) and changed so many things in my life that I really feel like a new person by now already (of course always can get better). Interestingly this has been attracting a lot of girls to me when I was going out (like all the videos advised too). So far, I´ve met exactly 4 new girls within 7 weeks, most of them could not wait to hand out their telephone number to me (I really couldn´t believe it how effective such changes to personality can be, as within all the 10 years, no girl really showed interest in me). However, I still love my ex, not any of these new girls (although I am in deeper contact with 1 of them still).

- I´ve been sharing pictures on my WhatsApp Status about my journeys (not about the girls though, but when I was doing the things I never did in the relationship, like visiting parks for a walk, etc. The things she always wanted to do with me) and she always viewed them within 5 minutes most of the time, like she just was waiting on them.

- She also contacted me about a few of them, asking where I am and hardly could believe I am now doing all the things I never did with her. Always asking me "please tell me, where has my old BF gone???". She was and is obviously impressed about my changes and also knows that I am meeting a lot of new girls (although knows she is very intelligent, which I loved the most, and that few women are like that).

- Contact then intensified again in the last 2 weeks. Swapping positive audio messages about what we are doing right now and today (contact always initiated by her on a daily base). Once her new BF comes home, she first would not write anymore, but the last days was then simply switching to text messaging instead. Even telling me that we need to do text from here on as her "visitor" is now home. When I was asking her if her new BF knows about that we are chatting like this, she told me that he does and is fine with it (of course, every new BF´s dream! haha).

- As I know her very well emotional after all that time and because we managed to go through a lot of difficult times together, I could tell that something is not right with her since about 1 week. I asked her for what is on her heart and she said she just is ill.... and a minute later... That she feels the new relationship is not going into the direction she hoped (surprise!). Of course, I asked about what the problem is and she came up with a list of like almost EVERYTHING LOL. It would have been easier to make a list of positive things instead. She was telling me everything he doesn´t do and how boring he is even in bed. And that she feels empty sitting next to him. BUT, that it most likely will just need time until he finally becomes the guy she wants and that it is all hidden inside him and she just needs to bring it out. The guy is hardly able to talk, that introverted he is and I am the guy that speaks with everyone on the street and makes friends all the time if you get the idea. So she wants to keep on working on it until the relationship works finally. One day later, she told me that the last evening with him has been great and that they had good sex. I asked her straight away if she finally had an orgasm with him and she laughed and said "no, not that good". Oh well...

- Then came yesterday and I really TRIGGERED her with more positive emotions like never before while I was doing a road trip on my own (great sunny day yesterday here) to many places along the river we life and posting these photos on my WhatsApp Status. She instantly asked what I am doing there and how comes I am even there. I told her that I am interested in these things now (never really had been that much into nature before, but I really am now and see what I´ve missed). She replied with a very emotional voice message, asking where her old BF has gone and that it is so sad that I am doing all these things now that she always wanted me to do together with her and that, if I would have started doing these things just 2 years ago, the relationship would have taken a completely different direction and we would most likely still be together by now. She said that before already when I posted other activities I am doing now, but never in such an emotional tone like that audio message yesterday.

Now my question: how do I go from here while keeping in mind that I want to get her back? I have been hearing the sentence above a few times now from her and she clearly noticed how extremely I´ve changed for good and also always says it, getting more emotional about it as well. Text messaging is intensifying on top, I feel we have a really good and emotional connection again and I think she feels that too, otherwise, she would not post almost every single thing she does all day long, even when her new BF is with her. However, she still is with her new BF and is trying to make the relationship work, so I am hesitant to ask her out for an activity (yes, it would be something that I´d do anyway on my own too, so she does not get suspicious) as I feel it is somehow very awkward while she still is with that guy. Or would that be a good idea anyway in order to push her even more into my direction from here on? Any other ideas about the best strategy? I am still working on myself and also just met another girl yesterday once more and will be dating her, that´s for sure. Still, I want to pursue on my ex as I feel this is where my heart really belongs.

Thank you! :-)

One does not change in two months. The ego still sounds very inflated, That has not changed.

Leave her alone. Focus on moving out of your parents house. You are almost 40.

Classic "get your ex back, guaranteed!!!!!111" tactics.

No contact for a period of time (usually 30 days)! Then contact her! Gradually build up contact! Post social media statuses of you doing fun and amazing things! Then invite her to an event or activity! Presto! You have your ex back! Now pay us if you want our "full program" for best results!

Except it doesn't work like that. She has clearly stated she is in a relationship and she intends to make it work.

I'm curious to know what those "programs" tell you to do if your ex has a boyfriend.

Thank you. Being self-confident is not egoism, sorry. You have to be self-confident in order to attract women and your ex. Parents house is big and we´ve been living separated in there, that´s very normal here for most families as the house also has to be taken over by me anyway sometime in the future when the parents might die, which should be clear to you. I am still moving out for now, no problem. I am also not looking for "leave her alone" advise but a better plan than this, seeing how far I´ve gotten with her already again.

You should take a look at YT then, there are many exactly for these cases. I´ve managed to get her into daily contact out of her own again within just 7 weeks from previously "I don´t want any contact for now". Come on guys, THAT is your advise? Are you just being frustrated because you did not work on yourself and it didn´t work out or what´s the reason for such pointless posts that are obviously just made to troll people?

It does not come across as confident, you sound more like a braggart. One should not have to sell themselves, they exude confidence through modesty and they way they handle themselves. The other is boring and comes across as insecure. .

Time to move on from mommy and daddy. You are certainly old enough.

Thanks for your opinion :-)

Your tactics are extremely transparent, OP. Even the verbiage you use is quite obviously lifted from the Get Your Ex Back! sites and videos.

She might not see it yet, but the problem is that even if she does come back, you two are still left with the enormous task of rectifying all the underlying problems that led to her breaking up with you. Getting her to come back isn't the hard part; that will be easy if her new relationship falls apart.

The much more challenging task - and the one these sites and videos you're absorbing don't address - is getting to stay back. Neither of you will be able to erase the negative feelings and resentment that built up, nor the emotional detachment she experienced from you. Moving out of your parents' home was long overdue so it's great you're finally cutting the cord there, but that is not going to change things altogether. She is used to you and leaning on you as a crutch as she ventures back out into singledom, but it doesn't necessarily mean that things will fall back together if she breaks up with the new guy.

I say this because I experienced a similar break-up many years ago, though we lived together in our own place. I felt like he was very complacent and barley noticed me much of the time. By the time I broke up with him, my feelings had changed to the point that I no longer wanted him as a romantic partner. When he realized I was serious about ending it, he tried to do several things I'd been asking him to do for years, but honestly, it was far too late. Be prepared for that with your ex, too.

Maybe realise that this break up has been a long time coming and that your desire to get back in is a desire to return to the status quo, this easy happy life you had with your ex, that she obviously wasn't happy with.

Good that you are working on yourself and being a better person, but as Holly says, 2 months does not make a lasting change, it is akin to changing your shirt and saying, 'do you see how different I look?'

That you are continuing to communicate, does not in itself suggest that there is a possibility of getting back together. If anything it would be more of a way to ease out of the uncomfortable situation of the breakup and dealing with the misery. She also knows that this rebound relationship is not all she hoped it would be, else she would not be keeping the communciation with you, but it is the step in the new direction for her, albeit with a crutch to help her through the hard times (the crutch being you).

So, what to do now... Close the door and walk on. Get yourself sorted for yourself, improve your situation for yourself and move on. Cut all contact with her. This needs to happen to remove your reliance on her in your mind. Tell her that you are going to do this, wish her well in her relationship and learn how to shine on your own. You never know, in a year, when you are shining brightly from yourself (without having to try to convince yourself or other) she might come back, but by then you might be in a better place to realise the break up with for good reason and that your life is better now.

I'm going to speak bluntly and honestly. You are really bad for her and she knows that, that's why you will never get her back. You sound very self absorbed and have one hell of an over inflated ego. This is very unattractive, even to her. If you care about her stop trying to manipulate her. I have no doubt that you have been planting seeds in her head regarding her new boyfriend but in reality of it, he gives her everything you couldn't be bothered to. You repeatedly ignored her requests to move out because she was hated by your parents so she was not at all comfortable. But you didn't care. Instead you spent your time caring more about YOU and what YOU wanted and the things YOU were doing. You're still doing this. Your whole post is about YOU. You never once took into consideration her feelings, only your own. She wont come back to you so you need to let her go so she can be happy with someone who actually appreciates her.

I'm going to speak bluntly and honestly. You are really bad for her and she knows that, that's why you will never get her back. You sound very self absorbed and have one hell of an over inflated ego. This is very unattractive, even to her. If you care about her stop trying to manipulate her. I have no doubt that you have been planting seeds in her head regarding her new boyfriend but in reality of it, he gives her everything you couldn't be bothered to. You repeatedly ignored her requests to move out because she was hated by your parents so she was not at all comfortable. But you didn't care. Instead you spent your time caring more about YOU and what YOU wanted and the things YOU were doing. You're still doing this. Your whole post is about YOU. You never once took into consideration her feelings, only your own. She wont come back to you so you need to let her go so she can be happy with someone who actually appreciates her.

Spot on!!!!

When she says she hates you, moves out, and gets a new boyfriend, you can pretty much bet that it's over.

Its' going to take some time to get over this. Dating new women is a great step, keep doing that.

It's not like the movies. You get one chance per-person at love.

Wow you are a real manipulator and a keeper... not!

You are a selfish individual and the only feeling I got by reading your long long post is empathy for your ex girlfriend.

We have been talking all day on the phone today and have a date next week :-) Will keep posting how it moved on from there....

We have been talking all day on the phone today and have a date next week :-) Will keep posting how it moved on from there....

You manipulated her into it. It's probably not a date, just what your twisted mind thinks it is. I hope she puts you puts you in your place and tells you to leave her alone. She will never forget the way you treated her so don't expect much.

We have been talking all day on the phone today and have a date next week :-) Will keep posting how it moved on from there....

The cynicism of this response is astonishing

Glad you are proud of yourself. Hope your ex is smarter than you give her credit for

OP i have to agree with the others.

Why do you want this girl back? You kept her in a situation at your parents home where they do not get along and you didn't have the marbles to move out? I get the impression you are from a well off family and likely spoilt growing up. This learned behaviour has crossed over into your adult life it seems. You knew she was not happy there, why didn't you move out? To make more money isn't very loving or supportive at all.

I agree it's good you are making self improvements however these don't even seem to be genuinely for yourself. It seems you take some delight in flaunting this new found you to your ex. YOu also shouldn't be messing with her new relationship although i agree what you said. She was probably monkey branching and lining this guy up when she dumped you which is wrong of her i will say.

Everything you post screams "me me me" like a petulant child.

I really hope you continue to make improvements and really hope you manage to find happy but let it be someone new.

I'm sorry, OP. I can feel your pain despite your humour here and there. This is just so pathetic. I mean this sincerely. Please don't ever ask a woman about her orgasms. It makes you profoundly unattractive. I also don't know what's going through this other person's mind responding to you or telling you about her new relationship in such detail. Neither of you respect each other at all and that might have been the cracks that developed in that relationship. I just don't sense any boundaries in place or respect for each others' person. You may be fond of each other but you've gotten loose and stupid around each other also. The reason why she lost her feelings for you is because you didn't treat her like a lady(this is just my opinion). And you're still doing the same thing even after your break up.

I don't feel like you've grown up, OP. I'm sorry to say this. Between your whatsapp photo updates and multiple women in seven weeks plus moving plus your work plus hitting up your ex, I have no idea what you are about. You seem more like a kid brother than a man I would date. I understand you're hurting. Just take a step back and don't scatter yourself like that. Be more focused and think first before you act or speak. Move with some purpose and let this ex go.

Now my question: how do I go from here while keeping in mind that I want to get her back? would that be a good idea anyway in order to push her even more into my direction from here on? Any other ideas about the best strategy? I am still working on myself and also just met another girl yesterday once more and will be dating her, that´s for sure. Still, I want to pursue on my ex as I feel this is where my heart really belongs. Thank you! :-)

You have already been given some good advice which you seem unhappy with. So I am going to concentrate on your question.

Let's first list some key facts.

1. You were together 10 years, and it sounds like things were a bit static, with you as you said "on the computer" a lot of the time.

2. She gave you some warning in January, asking you to discuss breaking up. What that possibly meant is she was giving you a chance to make some changes before she bailed out.

It may also mean the new guy was already being lined up and it is not a rebound at all - you got dumped for someone she perceives as better.

3. She is in a relationship now.

4. All this contact and chatter with her - particularly if it includes discussing her sexlife with her new boyfriend- has deposited you right in the friendzone.

5 Look at it from her point of view - I just dumped this exguy, I have a new lover, and exguy is being friendly, and like my male girlfriend - I get the emotional support without having to put up with him.

You are not winning her back, you are giving her validation, and easing her journey on a new romantic path.

You don't have a date next week, you have a meet up with a friend. A friend who is seeing someone else. If you end up in bed, she cheated. If that ruins her new relationship she will be angry with you.

So here is my answer to your question about your best method of reconciling with her.

A. Get out of the friendzone. Cancel that platonic meet up, tell her you can't be friends with her while she is seeing someone else - or at all, because you still have feelings. If she changes her mind, give you a call.

B. Do not contact her, and don't respond unless she is single and decides to give you another go. Withdrawing your attention from her is the best way to get hers back - but it takes time. Not 30 days, or 60 or whatever - that is B/S. You have to move on first, otherwise any reconciliation will burn out, so it's indefinite from your point of view.

C- Keep on working on your self improvement as you have been doing. This is not supposed to be a weapon to get her back, but if you do it for that reason, the good news is it still works. Because, if in time she decides to give you another shot, she gets the improved you and a new and better relationship that just happens to have the two of you in it.

D - Date other ladies, but you are only a short time out from a long relationship so best not to rebound.

E. Stop putting stuff on social media for her to see. It's pathetically transparent (sorry). She is sleeping with someone else. He has priority over you. She stops talking when he comes in the door. Block her access. Block her phone.

F. You need to accept that she does not want to be in your life, or have you in hers, in the way you want. Not now, anyway. That may change down the track, but right now you need to learn to live your life without her presence.

In time she might come back, but only she can decide to do that. The best way to optimize your chances, if she does, is to disappear off her radar and work on yourself. And extract yourself from the friendzone pronto.

Note that she said her 'friendship' with him is important. FRIENDSHIP! That's all it is to her now but he's too blind to see that. He seems to think they have a date which they don't. He's put himself in the friendzone and he'll be the one left disappointed at the end.

^^^^^ This.