Advise, Opinions, and "What would you do"

I find out my girlfriend had been messaging her no good ex for whatever reason and I confront her about it. Obviously I'm in a lost now because I see the messages and I knew they weren't in a healthy or good relationship, but in the text they say to each other "babe" and "love you". Emotions and feelings aren't the same anymore for her, or at least isn't as strong but I still care for her. She then said she blocks him on everything, but months later I see her texting her ex again, and her alcoholism is pushing me away from wanting to be with her.

Currently: she's really giving it her all to change and be a better person after going to counseling, and planning on going to AA and doesn't want to lose me. I'm still uncertain on my feelings on everything...

Would you try to go on and see if things would get any better knowingly she's lied and been disloyal multiple times, but had always been supportive and caring for you? Though she says she's trying to change all that and be a better person?

Or

Just cut ties, end things and not potentially make it worse in the long run. Because this is where I'm at now.

______

I don't even know if I'm in the right thread to post this. I just searched in Google "relationship advise" saw this, made an account and here I am...

She is a proven cheat. liar and alcoholic. You should have bailed long ago. I hope that you are not blaming her addiction on the cheating? She has no respect for you. and still has strong feelings for the ex.

Be done with her, and stop excusing!

"she's lied and been disloyal multiple times, but had always been supportive and caring for you? " This makes zero sense! Stop allowing her to treat you like a fool. I would also suggest you read up on co dependency. As I think it applies to you.

Once a liar, always a liar. Can't trust her. Cut ties, end it now.

She "plans" to go to AA? How hard is it and how long does it take to "plan" to go? Google "AA in my area" and go to the meeting! No need to "plan".

Unless, of course, you don't actually intend to go and are just saying you'll go to get someone off your back.

I'd be down the road, you wouldn't see me for the dust. Plans to go to AA? When? No time like the present to get herself to a meeting. She's a liar and a cheat. You can do better.

End it. It's that simple. There is no point finding other reasons or wondering about her texts, ex etc. This is enough reason.

her alcoholism is pushing me away from wanting to be with her.

I agree with the others. It's not looking good. You'd be a fool to continue seeing her and believing her. Sometimes when we are distancing ourselves from people it helps to acknowledge that to each their own. She's made her own choices and so should you. Don't villianize her as the resentment will just come back to bite you later when you start coming down from emotions like anger; there may be a yo-yo effect and you might break from your resolve. Simply let go. Acknowledge the good times and acknowledge that you want a different life for yourself and simply let go.

Was not expecting this forum to be this active and fast on the replies. Thanks you guys. it's hard since I'm so nice and caring of a person to really go about with situations like this.. "always giving chances" hard to say no and like you all said, giving excuses. This is my first relationship after all.

But you guys are right. There were few times in the past where I know I should've ended things between us.

Were's all this disloyalty? Mild flirting in Texts? You can't kiss over texts, so what's the big deal?

Alcoholism and her going to counseling means she has an issue or two. Let's just say she's not the greatest catch. But you still might be able to make it work, if she goes to AA - and depending on what if any other mental issues she has - what are the other issues, why does she go to counseling?

But her going to counseling and AA means she really is trying.

Yeah, I do realize that :(

I think dishonest was the word I was looking for, rather than disloyal. Huge typo there. I wrote this out of emotions.

Her going to counseling was required from a dui years couple years ago.

Personally I think the big deal was her still having feelings for an abusive ex who she kept texting back behind my back after she said she deleted all contacts with him. But I had no belief it to be true. She would turn away when I looked at her while she was on phone, would text middle of night suspiciously.. so my no good, snooping ass went through her phone, again, (yes shame on me I know. The trust wasn't there) and found she was still talking to him behind my back, as she would send messages through email and delete them. Email mailbox would be clear, but her "sent box" and "trash bin" wasn't. So that's where I saw the messages. I felt so f**king dirty doing so. And I still do now for writing on this forum. But we're all anonymous...

This was me finding out back during summer time and confronting her for the 2nd time

Then I really got into it and had to know if she was seeing him or anything because I saw a message on her phone screen pop up next to me with an unknown number mentioning me. So I asked her one night when she was a little tipsy, and she confessed she did talk to him and actually went to see him back in December.

Was not expecting this forum to be this active and fast on the replies. Thanks you guys. it's hard since I'm so nice and caring of a person to really go about with situations like this.. "always giving chances" hard to say no and like you all said, giving excuses. This is my first relationship after all.

 

But you guys are right. There were few times in the past where I know I should've ended things between us.

That's not being nice, it's showing that you have no self respect and are a doormat.

Yeah, I do realize that :(

I think dishonest was the word I was looking for, rather than disloyal. Huge typo there. I wrote this out of emotions.

Her going to counseling was required from a dui years couple years ago.

 

Personally I think the big deal was her still having feelings for an abusive ex who she kept texting back behind my back after she said she deleted all contacts with him. But I had no belief it to be true. She would turn away when I looked at her while she was on phone, would text middle of night suspiciously.. so my no good, snooping ass went through her phone, again, (yes shame on me I know. The trust wasn't there) and found she was still talking to him behind my back, as she would send messages through email and delete them. Email mailbox would be clear, but her "sent box" and "trash bin" wasn't. So that's where I saw the messages. I felt so f**king dirty doing so. And I still do now for writing on this forum. But we're all anonymous...

 

This was me finding out back during summer time and confronting her for the 2nd time

 

Then I really got into it and had to know if she was seeing him or anything because I saw a message on her phone screen pop up next to me with an unknown number mentioning me. So I asked her one night when she was a little tipsy, and she confessed she did talk to him and actually went to see him back in December.

This is just so bizarre. How did you end up with this person.. ? If you were feeling vulnerable at some point and you were suckered into this, I can understand to some degree. It might be useful for you to go back in time and try and figure out what got you into this hot soup(bad situation with this type of person/woman). Were you wanting too much to be liked by her? Was it her volatile nature that seemed exciting to you at the start? Do irresponsible or rude women turn you on(somehow displays some kind of personality as opposed to a plain jane)? I ask because I was in this boat earlier in my life and I had to sit down and ask myself some really difficult questions involving my choices in men.

Look back and start asking yourself how this all came about. I think it's the first step to better clarity, peace and true love in your life.

She comes off as a very loving, sweet and also a bit clingy person. She stood by my side through a lot of things, supports me as I also do for her. I wasn't trying to get her to really like me, she's really crazy in love for me, she likes my family and cares about them. It's just.... I feel like there's two sides of her. Two personalities, I don't know but it's freaking weird. The loving and caring girl I know, then once she's high or tipsy (doesn't take much due to stress meds) she has no self control and is like a whole different person. And that's the main thing pushing me away. She's working on it..it doesn't take nights or days to overcome I get it.

She's not much of a social media person, doesn't post statuses like many people, she doesn't have many friends since they're all married moved on or out of state.

Welcome to alcoholism/substance abuse. Who in your family has this problem? It somehow seems normalized to you and that is often due to your own issues and family dysfunction. Healthy people do not date alcoholics/drug users. It's not about "you're such a good person", that's bs and you know it.

I feel like there's two sides of her. Two personalities, I don't know but it's freaking weird. The loving and caring girl I know, then once she's high or tipsy (doesn't take much due to stress meds) she has no self control and is like a whole different person. And that's the main thing pushing me away. She's not willing to try and give it up or chill out on it.

Honestly my not many people in my family drink. We don't really drink lol. Maybe uncles a bit here and there but they can control themselves and know their limits.