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Thread: 30 years old with no growth/ambition

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
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    30 years old with no growth/ambition

    Ok guys as time goes by it just seems like my life just keeps going downhill. I always reminisce of how much better my life was in my early 20's. I feel like I haven't developed at all throughout these years.

    Heres some cliffs

    -still live with parents and siblings at home (I pay 600 a month just to help my mom out with mortgage)

    -have 20k debt and all in collections (I just paid one company off and about 6 more to go)

    -no education (dropped out of nursing school in my early 20's and got a full-time job) I got promoted from my company once I got my license to drive a commercial truck (My salary is only 55k a year which isn't even enough to rent my own apartment at where I live)

    -always fantasize about having a gf again and always think about why I let my last one go when she was the one for me (I let her go cause of these issues with my life I listed). She was such a good woman to me but I was just selfish and put me before her and I didn't want to keep bringing her deeper into my life with so much issues.

    -social circle is doomed (almost all of my friends stopped the party-phase/have kids now/engaged/don't go out anymore) I don't get invited to the get togethers anymore either since it seems like they only want couples in their group so its just me and my one single guy friend out of group that gets disregarded. On my days off all I do is help my mom out with the house cleaning, driving her around to run errands and its seriously depressing me like crazy especially when I go on social media and people are enjoying their days off on vacation and stuff...


    Would you guys recommend to seek therapy? I feel depressed on my days off and all I want to do is lay down. I go to the gym at nights on my days off with a friend but that pretty much sums up my life. I also just went on a date with a woman that I met on a dating site and once I told her I was still living at home and I was a truck driver she was really not satisfied. She told me that Im living like a millennial and should go back to school. I know I want a relationship so bad but I have to get my own place and pay of all my debts so I can live a happy life once and for all and I can go back to dating.

    I know I have to bust my ass since time is flying and next thing you know I will be 40. I don't want to be 40 and still living at home

  2. #2
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I have some ideas for you but before we start you're going to have to have a stern talk with yourself about being a bit more disciplined and serious about your short/long term goals. If independence is what you're looking for, there's a price. I'll tell you the price below and you can make your decision on whether you still want that independence or whether you prefer your current situation indefinitely.

    -create a long term plan (5-10 years, job stability/opportunities/advancement, living situation)
    -create a short term plan by using your own numbers (start calculating the time it takes to pay down that debt asap, you may want to speak with your mum about reducing that $600 to $400 and explaining to her that you need that extra $200 to yourself, put it back into your debt repayment program you have for yourself there); sorry to have to say this to you but your strategy is not working if it's taking too long or if you're adding to that debt while paying it down
    -once you have a more refined(updated) strategy, be resolved and committed to making this happen (this means getting your head straight and letting go of mediocre friendships and it also means putting dating on hold until you're less of heap of complaints and more of a man of resolve/with a plan)

    As it stands right now you do need some work (but don't we all). The difference between you and the next successful joe down the street is that he's got a plan and he's working towards something that's realistic and calculated on a timeline. He has expectations and a deadline to follow. Maybe, just maybe, he also hungers for that independence a little more than you. I wouldn't suggest therapy. I'd suggest you really sit yourself down and start asking yourself more challenging questions about where you see yourself and re-evaluate your expenses, start talking with your mum about revising that rent figure and see whether you can help her out in other ways. For example she may just as much appreciate you picking up groceries after your shifts or doing the laundry for the whole house or replacing items that need to be replaced or filling up her gas tank. I'd suggest you revise and revisit a few things. Be humble and do not be afraid to look through things again through a different lens and look much closer and farther.

  3. #3
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    To start with you donít pay $600 per month to help your mum pay her mortgage.
    If you moved out and paid her $600 per month , THAT would be helping her pay her mortgage.
    You instead are paying very cheap rent. You are very lucky to have a massive reduction in rent which often is one third of ones salary.

    Iím assuming you receive at least $3600 per month into your hand.
    $600 goes on rent. You are left with $3000.
    I realise you are paying off $20k debt. I am not sure how you racked up that amount while living cheaply rent wise ?
    When will your debt be paid off?

    What are you spending the $3000 per month on?
    Do you also contribute to utilities such as electricity , gas, water, maintenance? Groceries?

    I donít think you need therapy. I think you need a financial consultant. And a wake up call?


    Just because you canít afford to rent in the area you live in , doesnít mean you canít afford a shared rental in a cheaper area. You canít be snobby about these things when you simply canít afford them.
    Live within your means always.

    You work out at a gym but you have a 20k debt. That means you cannot afford a gym membership. So work out elsewhere for free. Flip tyres or get a second job that requires manual labour on a Saturday. Go running. Whatever?

    Paying for luxuries like a gym membership and then complaining about debt doesnít make sense to me.
    A financial advisor will tell you the same.

  4. #4
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    At $55,000 salary and $7,200 per year rent you have $47,800 left, you could pay off your 20K debt in a year if you cracked down on whatever your spending habits are. You'd still have $2,317 per month. Don't eat out, meal prep and cook at home. Driving a truck? Get a personal crock pot and cook on the road. I have friends who do this.

    Sit down and form a budget. Look at your expenses. Where is all your money going?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, you need to move out... anything. A room, a house share, whatever. You can't be a mama's boy and feel good about yourself when the apron strings are still this attached. Is your mother widowed/divorced? Sounds like the neurotic mother who makes her son a spouse-like substitute. Depressing.
    Originally Posted by JDMxTeGrA101
    -still live with parents and siblings at home (I pay 600 a month just to help my mom out with mortgage)

    On my days off all I do is help my mom out with the house cleaning, driving her around to run errands and its seriously depressing me like crazy especially when

  7. #6

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    Look up Jordan Peterson and listen to him talk about responsibility and meaning.
    You can read his book as well: 12 rules for life, an antidote to chaos

    The man saved my life and I was in a similar place

  8. #7
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Your mom has been buffering you from your full responsibilities as an adult. Now you take it for granted that someone will be there indefinitely to shield you from the full impact of your choices.
    I wonder if you can even imagine what you'd do if she were not there?
    Try it for a moment. Imagine you had to do this for yourself.

    This may be hard to hear, but I think you need to be very honest with yourself and reexamine your expectations from life and other people. Where does this idea that you can't afford to move out the way you want to so you won't move out at all come from? Why would anyone other than you be totally responsible for putting a roof over your head and making ends meet?

    It's not about what you own nor the job you have, it's about attitude and character. Right now, you haven't been willing to take full responsibility for your own life. This continued choice has caused stagnation, an avoidance of natural challenge and growth, and depression. Change the tune, change how you feel about yourself and how you relate to others. It's night and day.

    The funny thing is, you don't even have to move out of mind house instantly to enact this change. You simply have to decide to go ahead differently, with a real plan in place that does not involve relying on the kindness of others for you to get what you need/want. You have to be merciless in that, holding yourself accountable.

  9. #8
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    I think you are doing great. You must not compare yourself to anyone else. Focus on everything you are doing right.

    Your #1 priority has to be paying off that debt, you seem to have that as you primary goal, so that is in order and good for you for knocking one collector off the list.

    People have to pay for a roof over their head once they become adults, you can pay someone you know or you can pay a stranger, either way it is xxx dollars per month that goes out the window and doesn't come back. A free loader would be living with his Mom and not paying any rent. Take maximum advantage of the below market rent you are paying to pay down those debts.

    Helping you Mom out with errands is exactly what you should do with your free time, afterall she is giving you the benefit of below market rent and the opportunity to pay down those debts,so you can pay her back int his way with some sweat labor to make up for the cheap rent. Be proud of yourself for doing that, again this is not free loading. Is there anything else you can do along these lines? What about outside work or small and medium repairs, painting etc. cleaning windows. Other ways you can invest your free time to her benefit as part of your rent obligations is good and will make you feel better for contributing.

    Forget about dating for now, you do not have enough to offer, don't sign up to just feel worse about yourself. There will be time for that in a few years once the debts are paid off.

    Married couple friends don't dislike a friend just because he is single, so you might want to rethink that conclusion you have jumped to. Could it be that you don't contribute to a fun atmosphere at the party if you are feeling down on yourself? Do you accept you friends with their partner in tow or do you try to pry the guys away from their gfs for guy type activities? If so, this won't go over well. Be sure to always include the gf.

    Sounds to me like you are making the best of the situation you are in, good for your, be proud of that. Don't compare yourself to others, some of whom are likely running up more debt that you are paying off. Think of ways to do things that make you proud of yourself, have you considered taking on a part time job for additional income and to get out of the house more? If your earning capacity is not sufficient have you thought of moving to a town with a cheaper cost of living, or going back to school once you have your debts paid?

    Set a goal date to be debt free and commit to getting out of the house 6 months after that. Based on your earnings, if you dedicate every spare dime to that debt you should be clear of it in 12 - 18 months. Put your nose to grindstone to make that happen, be proud of yourself for setting and achieving that goal, then move on.


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