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The cousin of my Best friend


chocolateque

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I don't know where to start. I plan to move and retire in another country. My Ex is from and lives in this other country. We broke up almost 2 years ago. I've been alone since then. We were together for a year in a long distance relationship. I went to visit him twice. He was emotionally and verbally abusive at the end, that's why we broke up and I stopped all contact. Now I'm in a situation where I met someone through my best friend of 12 years, it's her cousin. She has nothing but wonderful things to say about him. According to her, he's caring, honest, hardworking - among many other things. She also informed me he's looking for a serious relationship, marriage, and also looking to retire to the same country I'm looking to retire. So is she. Though, I must say, They are both further along in their move than I am due to their finances and my lack thereof at the moment. Their homes are being built and almost complete. I have not began building mine - and probably won't for another year or two. I'm an entrepreneur in my 2nd year of business. She very close to us both, and she thinks we'd be perfect for each other with our many common goals in life and relationships. She also knows I want to settle down with a man from this country and cultural background. I found out yesterday what I've suspected for a moment now, He is in fact interested in me and sharing a future with me and honestly, I am also in he. He and I have only communicated as friends up to this point. Now he'd like to be more than friends. My bestie is so excited because she loves and wants happiness and love for us both. I'm excited at the thought of the possibilities, he possesses many if the qualities I'm looking for, but I have a concern. My Best friend is also my Ex's brother. So the "new guy" is also my ex's cousin.

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You are getting ahead of yourself. You aren't retiring yet. you barely know this guy --- and he's your ex's cousin??

It sounds like now you have not really dated the new guy one one one -- your friend has said more to "sell" the cousin to you than you have actually experienced with the cousin.

I would focus on your business and the next few years of your career and if you want to go out with this guy, fine, but don't promise anything.

I think that i would really, really be cautious that he is also the cousin of your abusive ex. The apple might not fall far from the tree.

To me, it would be a little close for comfort unless he's from a culture where everyone has 37 aunts and uncles and never meets any of their cousins

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I wouldn’t worry about it.

 

If I’m reading the timelines right:

 

You were friends with your bestie first, for 12 years

You briefly (for 1 year) dated her brother long-distance and spent time with him in person twice

2 years have passed

Your bestie doesn’t see it as a problem. Her cousin doesn’t see it as a problem. That’s 2 of the 3 people in the family you have to worry about... it likely speaks to their family dynamic (and frankly their own family relations are their thing to worry about)

 

... but I do agree you are getting ahead of yourself. You aren’t really even dating yet and you are talking about “planning a future” together... I mean... I think you should turn down your hopes a little... that’s very optimistic for someone you haven’t really gotten to know yet...

 

I don’t see a problem dating him if you are interested - but take it slow and take your time. I do share the concern that they could have similar upbringing and temperament. One little baby step at a time...

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As someone who has tried long-distance, I would recommend against this. I think you should try and find someone that is close by. I think long distance gets complicated, especially if you have not met the guy in real life. Also, because this guy is the cousin of your ex, it hits a little close to home. I think it would be best to find someone else that you meet for yourself!

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Thanks for that clarification.

 

So, your best friend is vouching for her cousin. Great guy whatever.

Did she also vouch for her brother? Who turned out not to be so great?

 

Did she introduce you to her brother and now her cousin?

 

You say you want to retire in this other country, how long away is retirement for you?

Have you met the cousin? Is this simply another online chat ?

Do you really want to do that again knowing that after a year of that with her brother you didn’t actually get to know him at all? Until a year in of wasted chit chat?

 

Why is your best friend not introducing you to local friends? Or a social circle?

Do you think she has your best interest at heart???

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Great questions, actually she didn't vouch for her brother, she and I were friends for 8 or 9 years or so when I decided to accept his offer of being more than friends, it was my decision. She is definitely vouching for her cousin. I planned to began my move to this country 5 to 10 years from now. I have met the cousin, as a friend. I'd do it again, yes. Yes, she does have my best interest at heart, she and I don't have many local friends. She's originally from this other country, and knows it's my plan to move there in the future. She also plans on moving back there in the near future, that's home for her and her cousin.

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My take on this: Don't involve third parties. Just conduct your romances/personal business on your own. Get rid of this weird matchmaking process. I may be misunderstanding you as this may be a cultural norm wherever this is to have go-betweens but it only appears messy and childish.

 

Work on yourself, get to that country you like and then meet whomever you want to meet. Like I said, lose the matchmaker and go-betweens. Your friend has no business knowing about your personal business or whom you wish to date. Make up your own mind on whether someone is trustworthy or reliable. If you aren't able to do this, you are a giant red flag to me and someone I'd hesitate to date (from the other side). You may also not be ready to get back into dating at all.

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