Why is he still active on his dating profile?

I’ve been seeing this guy since January, so it’s going on three months and things seem to be going well on both ends. Last Sunday I asked him if he wanted things to be exclusive, have it be an open thing, or keep giving it more time. He said he isn’t dating anyone else and asked me what I thought. I responded by saying I wasn’t dating anyone else either and reiterated that I would be up for keeping things open. He said he would be happy to call me his girlfriend.

I got off dating apps earlier last month, specifically Match.com, the one we met on. My profile is invisible and I’m not messaging anyone on the app, but I had the urge to see if he was still actively using his profile today. I looked and there was a yellow empty circle next to his name, which means he was active yesterday or within the last few days. I am confused why his profile is still up, or why he is still actively using it if we had the “exclusive” talk. If I like someone I don’t want to be on dating apps myself anymore. Any ideas or advice?

Personally, I think he's still keeping his options open. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you, some people always just think there is something else out there. I would just pretend like I didn't see he is still active on Match.com and keep on going with the relationship like you have been. Don't look too much into it. Last Sunday is pretty recent, I would say if he's still active in a week or so then its a problem.

Why didn’t he just say let’s keep things open then, rather than say “I’d be happy to call you my girlfriend”? I kept saying I’d be okay with keeping things open, I just wanted to know either way. I am wondering if I should keep my options open too, since that’s what he is doing?

I think that you need to have a chat with him.

Maybe, he wants to date others, but does not want you to. Not cool.

That's true, maybe you should have another chat with him to make sure that he wants to be exclusive, if he seems to avoid the talk then I would keep my options open as well. Sometimes guys just tell us what they think we want to hear, so maybe that is what he did with you. Even if we're being completely honest, they think we want to hear something else, so I would talk to him one more time.

It doesn't sound like you actually decided to be exclusive, based on your original post. When he said he'd be happy to call you his girlfriend, why didn't you voice that as what you wanted? You reiterating that you'd be okay with keeping your options afterwards wasn't true and communicated the opposite of what you wanted.

Also, I want to point out that when you went on to check to see if he was active, it left an active stamp for you as well. He may have been doing the same thing, because the conversation was confusing. Talk to him again and make your intentions clear.

Edit: Reread the post and realize I got the order wrong. Still, my second paragraph stands. Just talk to him directly about getting rid of dating profiles.

It didn’t leave an “active stamp” because my profile is hidden...nobody can see my profile

I didnt realize that was an option on a dating site. Still, it doesn't change that a direct conversation is warranted.

That’s true, I didn’t even realize how me reiterating that I would be willing to try an open thing may have confused him

Deep breaths.

I'd read nothing—nothing—into this. Doesn't mean you don't have another chat, but don't spin out into your head. This is dating in the modern era, and we all need to keep our cool during these moments. Most importantly, we need to gauge a person in real life, not use apps to understand who they truly are, their true intentions, and so on. That's the path to nowhere fast.

The apps are habit forming, and everyone has slightly different habits with them. Ninety percent of people on them are looking mindlessly, habitually. We look when we're bored, when we have no interest in meeting someone, when we're nervous about someone we're into, when we're unsure of someone we're getting into, whatever. Some people "hide" themselves when starting to invest, some people don't—neither is more "serious." The spectrum is so wide that to jump to apocalyptic conclusions is pointless.

You guys just—just—had "the talk." And even, from the sounds of it, your talk was semi vague. Can't even tell, from your original post, what you really want from him. Do you want exclusivity? Keeping things open? Kind of sounds like you put the ball in his court. Whether that's because you're uncertain yourself, interesting in dating others yourself, or just wanting to play it cool—well, only you can say.

Anyway, in your shoes I'd either (a) just let this go, trusting what you have; or (b) bring it up in a totally chill, but honest, way.

For what it's worth: I've been seeing someone for 3 months, totally in it. Reading your post, I wondered whether I'm still "on" a dating app I paid for. It's deleted from my phone, has been for months. I'm 60 percent certain I "hid" myself, and I'm 100 percent certain I haven't thought about dating anyone else in, well, since I met this woman. But do I still come up to swipers? I don't know. Maybe? Worth checking, I guess—thanks for the tip!—but my point is that all this stuff is so strange and silly that it's best to address it in real life, with real people, not on the screens.

I think it's plain weird that a man would be happy to call you his girlfriend and then still appear online on a dating website. I couldn't care less who said what in the sequence of events or how the pie was sliced after it's been eaten. The gist of it is he gave you the idea that he'd be exclusive with you. The second misleading clue is that he said he's not dating anyone else. By omitting the act of "looking" at other options, he's just lying by omission. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt (the poor sod) and assume that he impulsively clicked back on his profile because he received a notification that he got a message through his email, why click in the first place? Can't help but look? Second scenario for benefit of the doubt - perhaps he logged in to do the very same thing that you just did! He wanted to see if you were active online. Why not mention this to you or take the initiative (since he was the first between the both of you to log back in, your dot would not be yellow) and propose you both celebrate your great connection and close your online accounts?? Please. So much could have been done in that time frame.

If I were you I'd read between the lines. This didn't sound good to me from the start when this conversation seemed like it was pulling teeth with him. If a man's really into you he'd have rolled out the red carpet, put your name on a blimp, invited you on a cruise and treated you like a queen. Don't settle. This is a glaring thumbs down from me.

Why do you keep telling him you want an open nonexclusive situation, then wonder why he is still on dating apps? He asked you to be his gf and you shot him down with "reiterated that I would be up for keeping things open" .

You are not "off" dating apps, you simply hid your profile. Frankly it sounds like you are not ready for a relationship and just want to play the field so don't wonder when people treat you in kind. Never Use Reverse Psychology and play 'cool girl" , when "keeping this open" is not ready what you want. Stop playing games and life/dating will be a lot clearer and simpler.

I asked him if he wanted things to be exclusive, have it be an open thing, or keep giving it more time. He said he isn’t dating anyone else. He said he would be happy to call me his girlfriend.

 

My profile is invisible and I’m not messaging anyone on the app, but I had the urge to see if he was still actively using his profile today.

You weren't clear about being exclusive in your post and you didn't tell him straight that that was what you wanted. Instead you said you were up for keeping things open. He clearly doesn't officially know that you are exclusive so therefore haven't closed his dating account. You have to be clear about what you want. He's not a mind reader.

So your profile is invisible to other users but out of curiosity, can it still be seen by people you have matched with? If he can still see you, he will be able to see that you've logged on as well. There's a possibility that he might be going on there to see if you've logged on. If you said you're happy to 'keep it open', he might think that you're not ready to call it a relationship and is keeping his options open. If it was me, I would just ask him about it next time I see him and come to an agreement as to whether to remove yourselves off the site at this stage.

I'm confused. I think you need to pick one. You brought up the issue of exclusivity, then back-peddled that you are okay with keeping things open, and then get uptight that he keeps his dating app active, after he stated, clearly, he would be happy to call you/make you his girlfriend. You're too wishy-washy and you're giving mixed signals. I'm assuming you're trying not to be too clingy or pushy, but in your effort, you're also not being very clear in what you want. If I had a wishy-washy guy on board, I would likely maintain my options on the dating site.

I think the bottom line is you need to determine what you want -- exclusive or open? If you want exclusive, and he wants it too, then you can expect the profile to be removed, and if not, that's when you worry. If you maintain the desire to be casual, then you have no right to be upset he maintains his profile.

Be more clear and defined on what you want. If he doesn't want the same, you choose whether to maintain or walk.

I haven’t read any responses.

I just want to get on my soap box here a bit.

Why check?

Seriously putting myself in the mindset of checking. I’d think I’d only check if I was fully ready to end things based on my findings.

Otherwise it’s just anxiety inducing, especially if I don’t talk to the guy I’m dating about it

To me it’s the new way to check for cheating but unlike finding a pair of sexy underwear shoved between the couch Cushions, you see someone still looking.

But just like the women on daytime talk shows who hunt down clues like it’s their job, find what they’re looking for and don’t leave.

So what’s the point?

A much less anxiety inducing action, and I realize it’s too late but for future reference a much less anxiety inducing way to date to me at least would be to be secure in yourself first, so you aren’t pushing for exclusivity as a way to insure they’re faithful but because you truly want to have a relationship with them. Yes, there’s a difference.

Off soap box.

Expect nothing = get nothing.

I asked him if he wanted things to be exclusive, have it be an open thing, or keep giving it more time.

For clarification purposes...on match.com you can hide your profile, so if any of my matches try to click on it, will show up as “profile unavailable”. Nobody can see if/when I have logged in...So, he can’t see that I have logged in. I am not messaging anyone or looking around at other profiles on there.

I wasn’t pushing for exclusivity or keeping things open. I simply asked him what his thoughts were. I literally worded it like this - “ what is your stance on making things exclusive, keeping it open, or giving it more time? I can be flexible and good with either way, but figured it would be good to talk about.” He responded by saying he wasn’t dating anyone besides me, and asked what my thoughts were. I said something like, “I’m not dating anyone else either.” I reassured him that I’d be willing to keep the relationship open because monogamy doesn’t work for everyone. He then said “no no, I’d be happy to call you my girlfriend.”

I truly wasn’t pushing for either way, and I was being honest that I could be flexible with either exclusiveness or keeping it open (I’m a Pisces and go with the flow haha). After his responses it sent me the message that he wanted to be exclusive, so I got it in my head that’s what we were doing going forward. Anxiety set in for some reason and I felt an impulse to check if he was still logging into his dating profile. After seeing that he was logging in, it confused me because he gave me the impression he wanted to be exclusive based on that conversation. Why didn’t he just say he wanted to keep things open? It just seems like his words aren’t matching up to his actions. If I told someone I’d be happy to call them my boyfriend and that I wasn’t dating anyone else, it would be common sense that I took my dating profile down or stopped logging onto it.

You “had the chat” but insisted you want to stay open. That’s confusing.

Also, it’s not “go with the flow” to say something but mean another.

For clarification purposes...on match.com you can hide your profile, so if any of my matches try to click on it, will show up as “profile unavailable”. Nobody can see if/when I have logged in...So, he can’t see that I have logged in. I am not messaging anyone or looking around at other profiles on there.

 

I wasn’t pushing for exclusivity or keeping things open. I simply asked him what his thoughts were. I literally worded it like this - “ what is your stance on making things exclusive, keeping it open, or giving it more time? I can be flexible and good with either way, but figured it would be good to talk about.” He responded by saying he wasn’t dating anyone besides me, and asked what my thoughts were. I said something like, “I’m not dating anyone else either.” I reassured him that I’d be willing to keep the relationship open because monogamy doesn’t work for everyone. He then said “no no, I’d be happy to call you my girlfriend.”

 

I truly wasn’t pushing for either way, and I was being honest that I could be flexible with either exclusiveness or keeping it open (I’m a Pisces and go with the flow haha). After his responses it sent me the message that he wanted to be exclusive, so I got it in my head that’s what we were doing going forward. Anxiety set in for some reason and I felt an impulse to check if he was still logging into his dating profile. After seeing that he was logging in, it confused me because he gave me the impression he wanted to be exclusive based on that conversation. Why didn’t he just say he wanted to keep things open? It just seems like his words aren’t matching up to his actions. If I told someone I’d be happy to call them my boyfriend and that I wasn’t dating anyone else, it would be common sense that I took my dating profile down or stopped logging onto it.

Thanks for clarifying, the way you worded it in your original post was confusing.

So now what? You agreed to be exclusuve, he's happy to call you his gf, but still active on the app you met him on, where he knows you can check or your friend's can see him.

That's just plain dumb, unless it's innocent. I don't know what to tell you, except talk to him again, own that you checked, which I actually don't think is a huge deal, and ask him what's up.

I am very direct person, like to cut to the chase, own my role, communicate and hopefully resolve.

Do not keep this in, it will fester, cause your mind to spin, in rrasi go anxiety.

Talk to him or dump him.

I vote for talk.

Multiple accounts not allowed. Thread closed.