Please help :((

I am a male whom was dating another male since July of 2018 and didn’t really become boyfriends until around December time. My ex has been through a lot with previous relationships such as cheating and lies. Since late January, we have been going through on and off phases, until around march of 2019, he decided he just wanted to be friends and focus on that part first. Well during our off phase (early march), I had met with an old friend for some drinks and ended up engaging in oral sex. About a week later, my ex and I “got back together” and became intimate with one another. Weeks later I receive a text from that old friend, that he tested positive for chlamydia. I immediately shared the news with my Ex and let me tell you, emotions were high and the reaction was not pretty! Over the course of four or five days we had several conversations. After some persistence, we were able to share our feelings more calmly. I explained to my ex that I didn’t withhold information about being physical with someone else to be malicious, but truly because I felt like I had nothing to worry about. I did do the right thing by disclosing the news I had received to him. My ex recognizes his inconsistency with me and the amount of confusion this all has caused for me as well; also understands that I made a mistake and that I do have a good heart, just made a poor decision. Also, I was considered single during that time and was not sure if we even were going to be boyfriends again (regardless it impacted him negatively). Sunday March 31st, he invited me to come over to pray with him afterwards. He admitted to his faults and how he has not treated me like an equal or respectfully; and I acknowledge and admitted to how my actions had hurt/disrespected him. We both agreed that we are two hurt individuals who continue to inflict pain on each other, even though it is not intentional. So we agreed that in order to heal, we must do so without the other’s presence. Before I left his house, we hugged for a good 7 seven minutes, with him running his hands up and down my back and squeezing me tight. After I left, I even received very sweet text messages like “I wish we were still hugging”, “It just felt really good to have you pressed up against me” and “I hope we both can learn, heal and move forward”. I know he cares for me and I care for him. He told me he will reach out to me when he is ready, but until then NO CONTACT it is. - also found out that my test results came back negative but have not reached out to prevent breaking NC. I genuinely feel horrible and disgusted with myself right now. Regardless of how he treated me, I find it easier to forgive him first before myself at this moment. Been doing a lot of prayer, meditation and self improvement. Any advice you guys could give would be helpful. Thank you for reading this lengthy post :).

Two thoughts:

1) In general, unless there is a court order, when we say “no contact” what that really means is “no unnecessary contact”. It doesn’t include things like kids, finances, health information that directly impacts them, etc. It just means that you shouldn’t use those things to “catch up” and drag it out. It should be all business. (and in the event of a court order, you should still relay that info but using your lawyer)

I think it would be courteous to send a 2-liner text or email to say “FYI - I tested negative. Just thought you should know for your own health reasons and peace of mind.”

2) Frankly, I think this guy is manipulative. You are right that you were free to do as you pleased while single. He should not be making you feel bad for that. And the whole extra-long hugging and saying he liked be close to you, etc after declaring you needed time apart? Manipulative. He wants to keep you hooked or pining over him.

I get that he has had a bad past - and you can be empathetic to that - but it’s not an excuse to treat you poorly. He doesn’t get to “pass it on” and in no way do you need to compensate for the wrongs other people have done to him. That’s HIS poop to deal with - not something you should be trying to dance around.

Don’t let him manipulate you into feeling “horrible and disgusted” with yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were under no obligation to tell him of your sexual activity while you were single. Poop happens and it sucks. It doesn’t mean it was your fault.

We both agreed that we are two hurt individuals who continue to inflict pain on each other, even though it is not intentional. So we agreed that in order to heal.

If this is really how you see your relationship, then, yes, distance is what you need to get perspective. No contact, (if you want to let him know the test results, mail them to his place) This time though try to stay actually single and focus on yourself. Continue with prayer if meditation if that's helping you.

What do you mean on and off phases? Learn to know your limit and walk away permanently. Relationships should not be off and on. Call a spade a spade. (See your first few sentences of your post there.)

This strikes me as a very volatile relationship despite both your attempts at some maturity and consistency. Some people just shouldn't date each other. I'm afraid that you're still looking at things through rose-coloured lenses and you're not being realistic about the reasons for the off and on phases in the first place (you've skimmed over this major red flag!). Please revisit the reality of your dynamic and don't return to this person or speak to this person if he cannot be relied upon. If you also feel shaky about the whole thing, ask yourself a few questions. I don't know what they are exactly but there should be some questions you have in your mind or you wouldn't be here posting on a forum asking about a fairly straightforward situation. I hope you find peace. You do not need to know all the answers at once. Just be more grounded and realistic about what's been going on.