Mental illness affecting relationship - help

Hello everyone, I just signed up here because I need some advice.

First some background: my boyfriend and I, both in our 20's, are in a long distance relationship since 10 months, know each other from online some months longer than that. We see each other about once a month and else have contact through chatting, calling/facetiming. We both suffer from depression and anxiety.

The problem is, we've been arguing quite often recently and it's always about the same topic. He thinks he is not good enough for me and that I would be happier without him, which is definitely not true. Whenever I feel somewhat okay instead of depressed, he acts really emotionally distant and sad. He thinks it is impossible for me to be happy with him and constantly looks for proof that I am happier elsewhere/without him. He thinks that when I feel better it is because I talked less to him/spent less time with him. When I had a better day and he reacts distant to me for that, that makes me depressed again. Also his distant behaviour and saying things like he's not good enough or he should just go away or that I would feel so much better without him. It is all not true, but he never believes me and insists these things would be true :( It makes me feel anxious and sad and powerless and I don't know how to deal with it at all. I love him with all my heart and I absolutely do not want to break up, but I keep wondering what solution there could be for this. I feel like nothing I say or do has any effect on his insecurities/negative beliefs, and it is really affecting our relationship :( Any ideas?

I don't care whether he's mentally ill or not. This sounds more like emotional abuse and manipulation. You are far better than this. He needs help from a professional or a therapist and you are not his designated health care professional.

This sounds familiar. Did you post this same question under a different account name?

It seems like he's holding you down and is being manipulative. Some people are just "emotional vampires" and can't see you happy without having to bring you down. Or maybe he wants to break up but doesn't say so directly, but I'm more inclined to the first option. Weather this is mental illness or him being abusive and manipulative, this is not healthy for you, specially if you have a tendency for depression. I once had an abusive relationship where whenever I was feeling good and socialising and making friends at university (he tried to manipulate me into be isolated), he'd suddenly have a "depression attack" and would make me feel bad because he was feeling lonely and sad. And when I was down and isolated myself from friends and family, suddenly he felt good and happy.

I'd suggest ending this unhealthy dynamic and find someone local in a healthier state of mind that doesn't bring you down. If you suffer from depression and anxiety, you should avoid people that trigger that or make it worse.

Thanks everyone!

I was already afraid that this might me manipulation :(

He is making me feel guilty and somehow each time manages to turn it around as if it is my fault and he is the victim. I don't understand why it is happening because apart from the arguments our relationship is good, we are honest with each other, support each other and can talk about anything. Well, except this. I don't want to lose what we have, but these arguments and him playing the victim card + acting passive agressive really bring me down. Sorry for basically repeating myself, I just feel so lost and it all feels so unreal.

boltnrun, sorry I didn't see that a similar post already existed. I posted here for the first time.

Sorry to hear this . End it. neither of you are happy. LDRs are extremely frustrating and difficult. Set yourself and him free. He clearly wants to end it with the "It's me not you" excuse. Let go. Continue your treatment and follow up with doctors for the anxiety/depression. Focus on that. Get on some dating apps and get involved in local activities...groups, clubs, sports, support groups, etc. Start chatting with and meeting local healthy guys. Focus on getting healthier yourself as well.

Thanks for your reply Wiseman2.

We still are in argument since yesterday, and I don't know what to do. I can't imagine myself without him at all. I've never felt as close/connected to any different person before him, whether it be former partner or friends. I felt peaceful with him and home and it just somehow felt right. Just these day long arguments are the opposite :( And they happen quite frequently. Just typing out my thoughts while I sit in my room and cry about all this. I keep wondering if there isn't any way to get over the manipulative behaviour? Something I can do to make it stop? Probably not... just feeling desperate.

Your boyfriends needs professional help before he is any good for a relationship.

He needs to learn the difference between being happy for his partners happiness and being resentful and threatened over it.

It also sounds as though he has very low self esteem. He will not get better by you loving him more or you cheering him or or trying to convince him of his worth or your love.

It doesn't work that way. All that will do is put you further into a toxic relationship where he relies on you for happiness and it will become draining to you both.

He needs a therapist who will help him work through his own problems on why he feels less than and how to have more confidence.

He also needs to learn better coping skills on dealing with depression and anxiety.

And lastly, he needs to learn how to be in a relationship where it is healthy and not needy and overbearing (like it is now).

You can't teach him these things, only a therapist can help him with all of this and he needs to do this on his own, for his own sake.

Otherwise he will end up a very unhappy fellow with people who will feel dragged down by him constantly (particularly those who attempt to date him).

Also, if he is unwilling to get help and to try to better himself and his situation, then you've got no other choice then to move on.

It might sound harsh but you will only end up in misery the rest of your life if he does not want to get better.

Thank you Sherry. He has been on and off in therapy since a long time, but it doesn't seem to help a lot. I've suggested a different form of therapy to him some months ago, to which he said maybe, but hasn't tried it. I indeed feel like there is not much I can do and this is really draining. Thank you for you advice!

Long distance relationships are hard enough - most don't work out..... but you two have issues, that's a bad recipe indeed.

It's good that you are seeing each other once a month - but more often would be better.

Are you both seeing a psychiatrist?

Thanks for your reply Wiseman2.

We still are in argument since yesterday, and I don't know what to do. I can't imagine myself without him at all. I've never felt as close/connected to any different person before him, whether it be former partner or friends. I felt peaceful with him and home and it just somehow felt right. Just these day long arguments are the opposite :( And they happen quite frequently. Just typing out my thoughts while I sit in my room and cry about all this. I keep wondering if there isn't any way to get over the manipulative behaviour? Something I can do to make it stop? Probably not... just feeling desperate.

Try to be strong. You're seeing a lot of things at once: what he wants, what he needs, what you want, what you need to be happy. You can't make someone better. That's rule #1. People just are or they aren't. You should be looking at someone's proven ability to consistently be a good person/partner, not hypotheticals or could bes. I also think you're focusing on a lot of little things, incidents here and there. The overall picture should be cloudless, pristine clarity and unequivocal knowledge in whether your partner is good or not, good for you or not.

Stop making excuses for poor behaviour and start seeking more clarity in your life, the way you live and in the people around you.

Long distance relationships are hard enough - most don't work out..... but you two have issues, that's a bad recipe indeed.

 

It's good that you are seeing each other once a month - but more often would be better.

 

Are you both seeing a psychiatrist?

Yes we both see a psychiatrist. And the distance indeed is a difficult factor.

Try to be strong. You're seeing a lot of things at once: what he wants, what he needs, what you want, what you need to be happy. You can't make someone better. That's rule #1. People just are or they aren't. You should be looking at someone's proven ability to consistently be a good person/partner, not hypotheticals or could bes. I also think you're focusing on a lot of little things, incidents here and there. The overall picture should be cloudless, pristine clarity and unequivocal knowledge in whether your partner is good or not, good for you or not.

 

Stop making excuses for poor behaviour and start seeking more clarity in your life, the way you live and in the people around you.

Thank you. That makes sense.