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Please help get my ex boyfriend back!


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I need advice on how to get my ex boyfriend/fiance back. He is dating a 20 year old coworker and he is 32. We were together for 12 years and they started dating about a month after the breakup. They are claiming to be in love and flaunting it all over social media and the town. He asked me to stay in his life as a best friend and even found me roommates near where we lived so he could keep me in his life. I chose to move back home to my family 4 hours away because of the pain. I am still in love with him and told him before I left that I had changed things he didn't like and was working on myself. Should I stay in contact with him throughout his relationship to keep a bond with him and try to win him back and show him my positive changes? Or cut off all contact while he's dating? I don't want to push him away with no contact but I also don't know if by him keeping me as a friend it will ease some of the pressure off of the new girlfriend as he will be venting to me and everything. I know this sounds very desperate but I don't want to miss my window on winning him back if it's even possible. We have a lot of history together we were each other's first loves and lived together for over 10 years. We did everything together and I know I can make it work this time around if I can just convince him to give it another chance. I am having a very hard time coping with this and it's been 3 months and I'm not making any progress so any advice is welcome!

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All I’ll say is if you continue to be his shoulder to cry on while he dates other people, all you’re doing is helping him deal with the breakup and making it easier for him to move on. Why would he come back to you when you’re still right there for him anyways and he can go ahead and date this other girl?

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He says he did not but being that he's worked with her for a year and they started dating so fast its hard to believe that he didn't already have her lined up. They both keep sticking to the same script of "we used to hate each other but then a couple of months ago we started seeing each other in a different way."

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That's what I was thinking. I'm just worried he will forget about me and drift farther into the relationship if I'm out of sight out of mind. When I still lived with him and he saw me daily while they were dating I would see that he still had feelings for me but then after seeing me he would run right to her.

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If you don't want to/can't cut off all contact you should at least set a boundary of he can't come to you about dating advice.

 

This is a very basic idea of that: Work stuff? Sure. Personal growth? I have insight after all these years. Dating? Sorry. It's too painful and I'm also trying to figure out what I want from dating myself.

 

It puts him, and you, on notice that you aren't going to sit around forever and that you can be strong. If he's turned off by you being strong then he isn't the right guy for you anyway.

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Thanks for your answer. Before I left he was trying to get me to hangout with him and his girlfriend because he "wasn't ready" to lose me completely even though I told him no repeatedly. Everyone told him it wasn't normal but for some reason he and his girlfriend thought it would "help him". We had communication problems on my end towards the end which is why I thought staying in contact would help me win him back but I also don't want him to have his cake and eat it too as he even said himself.

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Thanks for your answer. Before I left he was trying to get me to hangout with him and his girlfriend because he "wasn't ready" to lose me completely even though I told him no repeatedly. Everyone told him it wasn't normal but for some reason he and his girlfriend thought it would "help him". We had communication problems on my end towards the end which is why I thought staying in contact would help me win him back but I also don't want him to have his cake and eat it too as he even said himself.

 

That’s exactly what he’s trying to do. He’s incredibly selfish and clearly has no problem rubbing your face in his new relationship. I’m not sure why you’d even want such an inconsiderate jerk back...but, to each their own I guess.

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I think that after 12 years together and having only ever been with you, he has decided it was not going anywhere and it was time to step off and start moving forward. I think this is something you should consider doing also. Your relationship hit a wall and when it did, he didn't work with you to push it forward, he dumped you and looked for other opportunities. The relationship was stagnant and I think it time you stepped out on your own and made something of your life outside that relationship.

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If you continue to "be in his life,: he will continue to have no respect for you. Please cut all ties and move on with your life. What was the reason for breakup besides this girl? Don't be his best friend? You know the old saying - you can't miss someone who doesn't go away. He wants to be your friend so he can be guilt free and have the best of both worlds.

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Thanks for your answer. Before I left he was trying to get me to hangout with him and his girlfriend because he "wasn't ready" to lose me completely even though I told him no repeatedly. Everyone told him it wasn't normal but for some reason he and his girlfriend thought it would "help him". We had communication problems on my end towards the end which is why I thought staying in contact would help me win him back but I also don't want him to have his cake and eat it too as he even said himself.

 

Why are you rewarding him with friendship? This will not get him back, it has only put you in the friend zone. He does not love you, he loves her. Find someone who values you, and move on with your life. It's over.

 

I can't believe that he wanted you to hang out with her. He sounds like a real creep! That is downright cruel, and he does not give a crap about your feelings . Stop allowing this!

 

Block and delete.

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If you continue to "be in his life,: he will continue to have no respect for you. Please cut all ties and move on with your life.

 

This. You're not improving your chances this way, OP.

 

You need to stop worrying about losing your "window." The window closed when he broke up with you. He needs to understand what that entails; realistically, you two won't remain best friends forever. He will gradually prioritize his new girlfriend over you, and at some point, she will surely draw a line in the sand about your his continued friendship with you.

 

This sounds like a very typical monkey-branch, in which something was brewing between them before he ended it but he's used to having you around so he is weaning off you slowly before letting go completely.

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The day I left he hugged me crying for almost an hour because he didn't want me to move and said something like "you keep working on yourself and I'll keep working on myself who knows what could happen in 6 months, a year two years" so of course I feel like I need to stay in contact and show him my positive changes. I can still see he has some sort of feelings for me and I'm afraid he will forget about me completely if I stop talking to him any longer than I already have.

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Weren't you two living in his parents' home and he was bringing her over right in front of you?

 

Lurking around hoping he dumps her and gets back with you is unattractive. I don't care what he says.

 

I remember that thread. OP, what are you thinking! So disturbing that you are still holding on!

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It probably does seem disturbing but for some reason I can't seem to let go because I still love him. It probably also doesn't help with how it ended and I'm constantly going over the "what if's" and dealing with guilt blaming myself for what happened. Honestly I have nightmares about how it all happened and I can't get out of my own head or make my heart accept it.

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Well, you could insist on hanging on. You could do like one of my friends did, she insisted on holding on even after her ex MARRIED someone else, then 15 years went by and she became so mentally unstable that she had to be institutionalized and now spends her days ruminating over the breakup and stuffing herself with junk food. Because way back in 1994 when they were in a relationship he said he would marry her. She insists he must keep that promise and she will not let go until he follows through and marries her.

 

Please don't let that be your future. Acceptance can be very freeing.

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I don't want that to be me but it's not that far out there based on the state I'm in now. I did move to my mom's house and I am possibly moving to Florida to go to school and try to start a new life. I guess it's so hard for me because this guy has been everything to me; my best friend (well only friend really) my fiancé, literally everything since I was 18 (I'm 31 now). I don't even remember much of my life before he was in it. I've only been with him and his family for 11 years and now I'm back with my family who I've never really gotten along with. I feel very alone and rejected and hurt. I also feel guilty for my part in the break up because I wasn't good enough for him since I didn't change over the last few months of the relationship. I'm afraid I will never find anyone else like him or who will love me. We have everything in common and have all of the same interests and hobbies. It's very hard to accept not having him in my life in any capacity.

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That's what I was thinking. I'm just worried he will forget about me and drift farther into the relationship if I'm out of sight out of mind. When I still lived with him and he saw me daily while they were dating I would see that he still had feelings for me but then after seeing me he would run right to her.

 

You need to accept that he's with her now and doesn't want to be with you. Let it go. He's not going to come back to you so stop clinging to him. Continuing to be his friend won't last long. She'll eventually get fed up of it and stop him.

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It probably does seem disturbing but for some reason I can't seem to let go because I still love him. It probably also doesn't help with how it ended and I'm constantly going over the "what if's" and dealing with guilt blaming myself for what happened. Honestly I have nightmares about how it all happened and I can't get out of my own head or make my heart accept it.

 

Can you not see how pathetic you sound? He's with another woman. Cut ties completely and stay away from him. He's no good. Don't be the clingy sad third wheel in their relationship, that's just sooo unattractive.

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He tells you a lot of things.

 

Your problem is that you believe him.

 

I agree with this. She believes everything piece of bull he says and clings to it even though there is no hope. He cries to her then goes home and sleeps with his girlfriend. The sooner the op realises she needs to stop being a doormat the better she'll be.

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