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Thread: Wondering where to go from here

  1. #1

    Wondering where to go from here

    So this is a long story and I will try my best to shorten it. I was in a previous long term relationship for ten years and had two sons from the union. One of the main reasons I left was because I didnt feel genuine love and the man never made any moves to make me his wife. It was a pretty nasty breakup and it felt like a relief to find my current boyfriend who was so honest and affectionate. In hind sight, I moved into a serious relationship much too quickly as I wasn't fully over my ex and it really hurt me when he got married to his current wife after only 4 months of dating her. But, I felt like it proved my original feelings. Fast forward to now and I have been with my current boyfriend for nearly three years and in that time I have had an additional child. Our relationship has been rocky and he has told me several times that he doesnt want to be with me or doesnt love me. At the end of these fights he always breaks down and apologizes. He grew softer towards me after our son was born. I have stayed by his side and we have made it work but I am feeling deja vu at this point as I feel like I am back in a similar situation as before with my ex. My boyfriend did propose to me in June of last year but only after me giving off major hints and him showing up with no actual ring. It felt like it wasnt very thought out and like he didnt really want to do it in the first place it. He claims he loves me deeply and wants to marry me but literally puts no effort and never talks about the marriage. Its been a year and I am embarrassed when friends and family bring it up as nothing has been done. I know I could plan the wedding and he would show up but I dont want to be in a marriage or relationship that I force, hence why I left my first partner. I have always wanted something more organic and for the other person to want me as much as I want them. At this point, I am ashamed and embarrassed at where I am at in term of my love life. I am not a religious person but have more traditional views having always wanted to be married. I know this seems in contrary to my behavior of having children with two men but I am very true believer in love with a single person that extends beyond this life. I cant help but wonder if I am simply being loyal to the wrong people. My question is, should I move on and focus on myself and my children and try to find my own happiness therein? I have a good career and education so am not stuck with him. I just dont want to be selfish and dont want to hurt my children simply because I am feeling unloved. My ex was a great father and he was good to me but it wasnt enough to be his "baby mama". My boyfriend now is a good, faithful man and maybe this is all he can give me. I have told him time after time again how I feel and I have begged for an affirmation that he truly wants to spend his life with me. Yet, nothing seems to manifest.I am so confused on what I should do and just need one persons advice to help make things clearer. Thank you for listening.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Christinac27
    My question is, should I move on and focus on myself and my children and try to find my own happiness therein? I have a good career and education so am not stuck with him. I just dont want to be selfish and dont want to hurt my children simply because I am feeling unloved.
    The solution is in your question imo

    So far you have bared children for 1. a man who" you didnt feel genuine love for " and 2. a guy who you have a rocky relationship with and practically verbally abuses you.

    It isn't wrong to wish to be married to the man you love, however, you have to look at the situation around you.

    I truly believe you could benefit from therapy and spending time actually being single, I assume your kids are fairly young, so focus on being a parent too.
    Last edited by Afireblue; 04-04-2019 at 01:41 PM. Reason: spelling

  3. #3
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you should re-evaluate your expectations and start asking more questions about what you're looking for in a man. From your write up, it sounds like you're expecting a lot more than you're willing to give in terms of planning a marriage or being realistic about how to go about planning a marriage. From the get-go I explained to my husband what my idea of a marriage would mean, he explained his idea. We then came to some middle ground and all the boxes were ticked off. You're not communicating well with him and this is the first step towards finding solutions. You cannot expect him to know what makes you happy and I feel like you are comparing him a great deal to your ex (this is not healthy and you're starting to fishtail into oblivion here).

    It's clear that you do see your blessings but for some reason you aren't able to utilize them and springboard into greater success. Start using what you have and communicating, creating strategies and action plans that work for both of you. Get stuff done. Stop complaining about your woes. Out of challenges do come successes if you're willing to put the effort in and realize that you play a part too. It may be also that your current partner is not much of a planner. He may take your cue and start developing that part of his personality also once he sees what you're about. It's your life. Start living it properly in a manner you're proud of.

  4. #4
    This is a very well written response. Thank you for taking the time to write and it was being so truthful in your reply. I needed to hear some of what you said and couldnt agree with you more about the fish tailing into oblivion here. Thank you again.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I believe in the strength of family bonds and was blessed to come from very strong family ties(we are very loyal) and just raised that way. Your kids deserve to see that same strength in family. It's not going to come without sacrifices or a lot of working together. If this really is the right man for you and he is as good as a father and you are willing to forgive those terrible things you said to each other earlier on, this can work. But there has to be tremendous honesty and willingness to start on a clean slate and be prepared to devote your lives to each other. I feel like you're still broken from your previous relationship. Until you learn to shrug off the past and stop allowing it to have such a strong hold on you, you'll never really reach your max potential with any partner. Release yourself from that past. It's over. The most brilliant blessings you could ever receive are your children (out of that past). That is all you need going forward.

  7. #6
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    It personally seems that you did not communicate your feelings well with either spouse to be in nearly the exact same situation.
    No fault. I had the same problem.


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