Please help me

Hello everyone. I am beside myself with anxiety and can't stop panicking.

I have been seeing a man for about a year. He tends to run hot and cold at times and I try to deal with that the best I can. Lately, things have been much different. Last week, he started a different job working 7pm to 7am with no days off. When I tried to call him and talk to him about his new job he got really defensive and made it sound like I shouldn't call or text him while he is working this shift. I have no idea how long that would be so of course, I panicked. I went by his house to talk to him and he got really mad and said he needs his space and alone time when he is stressed and working the midnight shift. I said okay and left him alone. A couple of days later, he texted me and we talked. I stayed over at his house this past Sunday night while he was at work but didn't see him as I had to work before he got home.

I texted him Tuesday morning asking how things were going, and he never responded. He has never ignored me like that. On Wednesday, I dropped a note in his mailbox apologizing for not respecting his work schedule and hope he talks to me again when he is ready. I have backed way off on my texting and calling him.

I know I messed up so much by not leaving him alone but this has never happened before. I haven't seen him in person in almost two weeks since he started this job. I know he is stressed out and wants space but this is becoming too much for me. I don't understand why I am not allowed to talk to him. I am so sad and cry everyday because I miss him so much. I don't know why he doesn't miss me at all.

Up until he started this new job, we were talking and seeing each other regularly.

Have I ruined everything by giving him that note? I am beating myself up and feel like such a loser. I am afraid I will never hear from him again now and I don't know what to do. I WILL NOT contact or bother him anymore.

Clearly, this guy does not care about you. At all. I guess he likes occasional sex.

Also your actions scream desperation. I cringed when i read how you kept reaching out after how he was treating you.

Why would you date someone if it runs hot and cold? He does not care about or respect you, and you need to figure out why you allow someone to treat you like this.

Stop contacting him. Forever!

You weren't seeing each other regularly if the relationship was hot and cold.

If you have to beg someone to see you or even talk to you, they don't love you the way a person in a relationship loves you.

Stop humiliating yourself. Acting like a doormat with no self esteem is not attractive at all.

You should hold out for someone you don't have to beg to see you.

Let this one go. I promise that getting the rid of the stress of trying to convince him to love you will be liberating.

ok, I am a loser. Thank you. My fault for coming here and feeling worse.

Ok. Do not call people at work. Do not show up unannounced to confront him. Get used his new shift. Let him sleep during the day when he needs to. Learn to create boundaries, respect people and try to adjust. Good you backed off. Let him reach out and no more drive-bys, calls, etc. Are you suspicious of something?

-I tried to call him and talk to him about his new job he got really defensive and made it sound like I shouldn't call or text him while he is working this shift.

-I went by his house to talk to him and he got really mad and said he needs his space and alone time when he is stressed and working the midnight shift.

-I texted him Tuesday morning asking how things were going, and he never responded.

-I dropped a note in his mailbox apologizing for not respecting his work schedule and hope he talks to me again when he is ready.

You are choosing to place yourself in a place that does not benefit you. Instead of taking the advice on board, you get defensive.

If you want to waste your time with this guy, that is your decision. I would suggest you deal with your self esteem issues. I am not trying to be disrespectful, but you should be able to recognize that this guy DOES NOT care about you.

Sunny, I sense that you have difficulty discerning other people's meanings.

Nobody here is telling you that you're a loser. We're simply pointing out the obvious and giving you some advice on how to avoid this type of situation in the future.

If you have a healthy relationship with someone, you shouldn't have to demand time with him. He has sent a message, that he's not interested.

"He tends to run hot and cold at times and I try to deal with that the best I can"

Why?

ok, I am a loser. Thank you. My fault for coming here and feeling worse.

I get that you wanted people to say "No, of course you didn't ruin everything! He loves you! Once things settle down he will start treating you wonderfully!"

Except...what kind of people would we be if we lied to you?

This guy isn't interested enough to make any kind of effort. And he speaks rudely to you. No way would I encourage anyone to try to stay with someone who treats them like this.

Ok. Do not call people at work. Do not show up unannounced to confront him. Get used his new shift. Let him sleep during the day when he needs to. Learn to create boundaries, respect people and try to adjust. Good you backed off. Let him reach out and no more drive-bys, calls, etc. Are you suspicious of something?

I am not suspicious of anything. Just miss talking to him and seeing him. Things were much better before he started these new hours and I don't adjust to change very well. I am an anxious person by nature and I know I came on too strong. There is a lot more background but didn't want to write a novel here. I am just hating myself for not backing off better and now worried I have done irreparable damage. I know I should not allow myself to be hurt like this.

What? He's working 84 hours a week? I'd have an attitude problem too! Forget about romance, I'm surprised he's still alive. The 40 hour work week is standard because too many hours is not healthy.

He's a workaholic.

I would like to hear about the relationship. You said it was hot and cold? We should be able to see the big picture, not an isolated incident .

People tend to blame themselves (you), so that that do not have to face the truth-that the relationship is not good and the other person is not invested..

I'm having a hard believing that he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week with no time at all to spend with you. Something ain't right. Either he is seeing someone else or he has lost all interest in you and avoids you as much as he can, only seeing you when he wants sex. It's not good at all.

I'm having a hard believing that he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week with no time at all to spend with you. Something ain't right. Either he is seeing someone else or he has lost all interest in you and avoids you as much as he can, only seeing you when he wants sex. It's not good at all.

Great point!

What is his job, OP?

I'm having a hard believing that he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week with no time at all to spend with you. Something ain't right. Either he is seeing someone else or he has lost all interest in you and avoids you as much as he can, only seeing you when he wants sex. It's not good at all.

- That could be a possablility

I am so sorry you are hurting.

By your own account, this guy usually runs hot and cold right?, well, that is not the behavior of someone who really cares about you. If you were seeing each other regularly before he started this new job, how was he treating you then?

There can be many reasons why he is behaving this way, and you have to be willing to accept that he is over the relationship and is a coward to tell you directly. Maybe he's even seeing someone else.

If you reached out a couple of times already, and he didn't respond, then, yes, you are allowed to be p*ssed. But how you acted after, showing up unannounced, etc, that can be consider stalking. I believe what others are trying to tell you here is that, you owe yourself more, take a few steps back and really look at what his treatment is telling you. You deserve more.

Focus on other aspects of your life right now, that's how you deal with anxiety, don't dwell on what you cannot control.

I hope things get better soon

Okay, please stop. I can't take anymore. He doesn't care about me and he is seeing someone else.

Admin, please delete my thread.

Okay, please stop. I can't take anymore. He doesn't care about me and he is seeing someone else.

 

Admin, please delete my thread.

We're not trying to scare you or upset you lovely. We're giving every possibility as to what may be going on. His hot and cold temprement and complete lack of availability is not quite right. We're not against you here. I feel for you and I you haven't done anything wrong. You are a good person who deserves better.

We're not trying to scare you or upset you lovely. We're giving every possibility as to what may be going on. His hot and cold temprement and complete lack of availability is not quite right. We're not against you here. I feel for you and I you haven't done anything wrong. You are a good person who deserves better.

Yes.

it is also better to be honest with one's self, than keeping your head in the sand. Your self worth should not be about this guy.

My husband works a tremendous amount (hospitality industry). We see each other enough but also have our independence away from each other. You're not at all forced to be with a man whose personality or character doesn't match yours. Prior to meeting me, my husband was previously married to his ex-wife who did need him around more and it broke her eventually not seeing him as much. Personally, I can't imagine having someone around all the time(it'll be interesting when we're both retired). We do spend holidays together and enjoy our time together, don't get me wrong, but not in a million years would I trade our set up. You shouldn't beat yourself up over this. Your anxiety must be through the roof. I'm only writing this here because I firmly believe neither of you are in the wrong. Just find a partner who is more compatible with you. Pick yourself up and enjoy your life. There's much more to life than this!

My husband works a tremendous amount (hospitality industry). We see each other enough but also have our independence away from each other. You're not at all forced to be with a man whose personality or character doesn't match yours. Prior to meeting me, my husband was previously married to his ex-wife who did need him around more and it broke her eventually not seeing him as much. Personally, I can't imagine having someone around all the time(it'll be interesting when we're both retired). We do spend holidays together and enjoy our time together, don't get me wrong, but not in a million years would I trade our set up. You shouldn't beat yourself up over this. Your anxiety must be through the roof. I'm only writing this here because I firmly believe neither of you are in the wrong. Just find a partner who is more compatible with you. Pick yourself up and enjoy your life. There's much more to life than this!

Did he work 12 hours a day, seven days a week?

A lot of people cannot take calls in the middle of their work day

You said you stayed the night at his house when he wasn't even there?

By his actions and his own words, he is trying to tell you to back up and give him some space.

Instead you send him a note apologizing.

I am not saying his actions are right, but at the same time he's giving you clues and you are going against them and looking for reassurance.

As hard as it is your best bet would have been to give him a lot of space. So much space that you decide that this isn't working for you or meeting your needs.

I’m really sorry that this is happening to you. I don’t think you are a loser at all.

I don’t believe his story that he is working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week (84 hours). That might even be illegal? And frankly, even if he was, he would have lunch breaks and bathroom breaks, etc - and it takes 30 seconds to fire off a text to say “hey babe - super busy but thinking of you. Hope you’re having a good day”.

I think, more realistically what is happening is that he doesn’t have the b*lls to break up with you. So - instead of just having the conversation with you, he’s basically ghosting you. After a year. It’s cowardly and gross.

I think your reaction to freak out a little is perfectly normal under the circumstances. Who does that?!? Seriously.

I think that unfortunately, for your own sanity, you have to acknowledge that this is what is happening. And even if that’s not his intent - his blatant disregard of your distress (which is reasonable under the circumstances) is sufficient grounds to break up with him.

I’m sorry. Some people are just slimy. It’s not acceptable to ghost someone after knowing them a year. It’s just not.

I stayed at his house because he thought he would see me before I left for work. I had to leave early though. When I last spoke to him Monday morning, everything seemed fine. I thought it would be okay to text him so that is why I sent a message Tuesday morning asking how things were going. When he didn't respond, I figured I broke his need for space and he was mad at me. That is why I left the apology note. Of course, I regret doing that now but what is done is done. I haven't heard anything from him and I won't contact him anymore.

I don't think he would ghost me. I feel he would tell me if he did not want to see me anymore. He tried to tell me to back off a bit and I did stupid things because I care about him and got scared. When I finally did, he contacted me a couple days later and here we are.

He is a laborer and is working in a mill right now. He told me the job goes straight thru until it is done. It could end any day now. He may have days off but he has a lot to deal with. He has custody of his 12 yo daughter now and that is stressing him out as well as health issues and not sleeping well.

I ruined everything with my low self esteem. Why did I have to text him on Tuesday AM? I should have kept letting him do the initiating. I hate myself for allowing myself to sabotage this.

I stayed at his house because he thought he would see me before I left for work. I had to leave early though. When I last spoke to him Monday morning, everything seemed fine. I thought it would be okay to text him so that is why I sent a message Tuesday morning asking how things were going. When he didn't respond, I figured I broke his need for space and he was mad at me. That is why I left the apology note. Of course, I regret doing that now but what is done is done. I haven't heard anything from him and I won't contact him anymore.

Let him reach out to you, eventually. You deserve an explanation of his behavior.

For now, please try to stay calm. Get busy with your own life. Exercise helps the mind, believe me. Hang out with your friends, etc.

Time heals everything, we have all been hurt in the past... you are not alone