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Hey there, new to the forums, you can call me J. It's been a week since (I'll call her L) broke up with me.

 

A little background: (long read)

 

We met 8 years ago, while we fell in love quickly, we weren't together. L lived on the east coast, while I lived in the Midwest. Before she went back to NYC, she said I should move to NYC to pursue my art and her.

 

I wasn't in a personal state that I could do that, not financially, nor emotionally, nor mentally.

 

We remained friends for 7 years via phonecalls and text. Then about 2 years ago, I hit bottom. You see I live with PTSD, anxiety, depression, alcoholism, pretty much everything bad you could imagine! After I hit bottom, I realized I needed to change, a change of place, a change of mind, and a change of inner self.

 

I devised an adventure, one that would challenge me physically, mentally and emotionally. Now, I don't suggest anyone with problems should ever do anything extreme, but each individual knows their limits, and because of my time in the military, I knew my plan was within my limits. I planned to road-march from Wisconsin to New York, carrying over 90 lbs with me including 30 lbs of camera gear (I am a photographer after all).

 

I went on this trip for three reasons: 1. Have an adventure, documenting my trip with my cameras. 2. To benefit veteran suicide prevention. And 3. To pursue my dreams of photography in NYC.

 

And one I kept to myself: L, I promised I would 8 years ago, and I wanted to keep that promise. Almost exactly one year ago I set off on my trip. It was amazing, I became happier, opened up to people around me along the way, and realized asking for help is good and often it's just as helpful for the person doing the help.

 

Shortly after I left, L contacted me and we decided to date, before I even got there. I made it to Buffalo while L was working there and we fell madly in love again. L brought me back to NYC and our life was great!

 

We adventured, traveled, and explored, eachother, our lives, and the world around us. We were in deep love, our lives felt right, or maybe I should say mine did, since I can't rightfully speak for her.

 

But (yeah you knew there was a but), I became complacent. I thought my demons were defeated, they weren't. I worried about finances, became withdrawn emotionally and physically, and I worried about whether I was good enough (escentially I became a child instead of acting like a man). My negative thoughts and actions brought forth their negative reactions.

 

That brings us to the break-up, and yes I did have warning of it coming, but I didn't notice at the time. She had had enough, and she had been talking to an old friend and said she fell in love with him. I don't blame her, and no, that's not me being too push-over, think about it, I wasn't nearly the open, loving, friendly, happy guy she knew I had been at the begining, and if it was me, I'd probably do the same thing!

 

Sure the falling in love with this new guy before we were done, hurts, but I don't know, nor is it my place to ask anymore, if they slept together, so I'm not too hurt over that.

 

The part of our story that can best be called "now". I'm looking for a new place to live, since she invited me into her apartment when we got to NYC, and she's offered to help me out with the security deposit and first month of rent at my new place. She also wants me to stay connected with her dog, since dogs are so sensitive to those around them.

 

I've made great strides with my problems in the week since L broke up with me. I go to therapy for my PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. I'm happy and enjoying my job, and my outlook of the future is great. I believe in myself more than ever, and I know I can reach my true potential. There's just one nagging thought though, she's fairly cold towards me, but she's still civil. The thing is, she makes it look like she's very strong, don't get me wrong, she is strong and independant, but I know her really well and I know her weaknesses just like she knows mine, and she really makes an effort to hide the pain, even while I've made a miraculous turn around. I guess she's trying not to upset my growth? I really think I can grow and become the man L fell in love with, and I'm going to continue to grow for myself, so I think we have a chance for a new relationship together.

 

So what do you think? I think my only hang-up right now is being able to read the signs properly, so I can have some idea if I should even think there's a chance. Of course L can't tell her side of the story, but I've always prided myself on being honest, sometimes to fault.

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You “thought your demons were defeated, but they weren’t”

 

And now you have made “a miraculous turnaround “ , but have you? In 7 days?

 

Exactly how long were you in a physical relationship with her? A few weeks, a few months?

Clearly less than a year?

 

Realising your issues is great. But overcoming them takes a long time.

And here you are one week later wanting her back without resolving the issues that caused her to leave you in the first place.

 

If you are genuine that it is her you want to be with , then you have to prove that change and that could take a year or more. And no contact in that time.

The dog will be absolutely fine and please do not keep in touch over a dog.

I am a dog lover and owner and I have split from partners who I lived with and trust me my dogs have never missed my ex partners. Nor did their dogs miss me.

 

I hope you get well soon.

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I understand your view. And it is valid.

 

Let me clarify:

 

Yes demons, or problems, especially the types I have, do and will require years, if not the rest of my life worth of work to deal with. Something I know to be true. I guess I should have said a good start in the right direction.

 

Yes our physical relationship would be less than a year, about 10 to be exact. While, I can see this as being a lack of connection with someone that wouldn't indicate a well established relationship, I also believe there are many factors other than physical intimacy that dictate that. Granted physical is of great importance.

 

I do want her back, but I'm not saying right now. I'm a fighter, and a survivor, I can spend as long as it take crawling through the blood, mud, and pain to accomplish my mission. L knows that about me. Right now my mission is me! I'm going to continue on my mission nomatter what the outcome is between us.

 

My main concern is fixing what went wrong. So I don't have the same issues with anybody, not just L.

 

I appreciate your candor in this matter. Thank you.

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I understand your view. And it is valid.

 

Let me clarify:

 

Yes demons, or problems, especially the types I have, do and will require years, if not the rest of my life worth of work to deal with. Something I know to be true. I guess I should have said a good start in the right direction.

 

Yes our physical relationship would be less than a year, about 10 to be exact. While, I can see this as being a lack of connection with someone that wouldn't indicate a well established relationship, I also believe there are many factors other than physical intimacy that dictate that. Granted physical is of great importance.

 

I do want her back, but I'm not saying right now. I'm a fighter, and a survivor, I can spend as long as it take crawling through the blood, mud, and pain to accomplish my mission. L knows that about me. Right now my mission is me! I'm going to continue on my mission nomatter what the outcome is between us.

 

My main concern is fixing what went wrong. So I don't have the same issues with anybody, not just L.

 

I appreciate your candor in this matter. Thank you.

 

You said that L “knows” that about you with respect to being a fighter and survivor.

But what she “knew” from online chat over 7 years, she did not witness in 10 months of being with you.

 

“But (yeah you knew there was a but), I became complacent. I thought my demons were defeated, they weren't. I worried about finances, became withdrawn emotionally and physically, and I worried about whether I was good enough (escentially I became a child instead of acting like a man). My negative thoughts and actions brought forth their negative reactions.”

 

That is actually what she now believes. Regardless of what she “knew” before.

 

You can’t fix this.

You definitely can never become complacent.

I am guessing you had a significant amount of time without therapy but I think therapy is something you need to realise will always be necessary and a regular thing in your life.

It’s like an incurable disease unfortunately and if that disease required taking a pill daily you would do it.

So stick to therapy regardless of whether you feel “better” or not.

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A week? you can't overcome all your issues in such a short space of time. It's only the very beginning and there's no guarantee that you wont lapse back into a depressive sate again. You will. I think she has realized that such an uncertain life is not what she wants. She has moved on and fallen in love with someone else. Accept that. Don't pester her for reconciliations and move on with your own life. Continue with the therapy because you've barely scratched the surface with them yet. Good luck :)

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I think this lady has realized that the timing is off, right now.

 

The part of our story that can best be called "now". I'm looking for a new place to live, since she invited me into her apartment when we got to NYC, and she's offered to help me out with the security deposit and first month of rent at my new place. She also wants me to stay connected with her dog, since dogs are so sensitive to those around them.

 

If you stay in her orbit - and I'm sorry about the doggie, but they get over it - you will not help yourself. It is not her job to nursemaid you through this. It is really nice of her to help you get set up, and you need to pay her back ASAP.

 

And then you have to walk away from her - and do the work on yourself.

 

If you think that maybe in time, you and she might get things together, then do this now.

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I have no thoughts of not continuing therapy, and have sought out fellow veterans to talk to and spend time with. I realize the feeling of being "better" and actually being better, are two very different things.

 

I haven't even thought about posing reconciliation to her, let alone pestering her. I have no intentions of disrupting her life anymore than I already have.

 

I do plan on paying her back, but I'm not too certain she'd accept it. Shortly after I moved here, I suggested we make a budget, and I offered to help with her debt. It seemed like a good move to improve our future. (One reason i started worrying about finances, was because i worked very long hours at my old job, to help us both in the financial side of things, and it became a sort of obsession.) L says she owes me for that, and this is how she wants to repay me.

 

Again, I'm not going to remain in her orbit because of the dog, this is something she expressed, not my idea.

 

Yes, it is a crappy situation. No, I don't think she should be, nor do I wish her to be, ever again, my nursemaid. My only hope is to one day be her equal, not her "charge". I wouldn't think to approach her before a time I believe that would be possible. I understand all too well, the detriment that would cause her.

 

As to the you can't fix this. Comment, I don't believe anything in life is unfixable, with time effort, and a clear goal.

 

Again thank you all for your candor on this matter, it is appreciated.

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It's been a week since (I'll call her L) broke up with me.

 

I've made great strides with my problems in the week since L broke up with me. I go to therapy for my PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. I'm happy and enjoying my job, and my outlook of the future is great.

 

I believe in myself more than ever, and I know I can reach my true potential.

 

I am sorry you are hurting over L, however, you have deeper issues than getting her back.

 

It has been 1 week, you feel great, you are in the cloud. Good for you! honestly, keep it up. focus on that for now. Hold that job and get yourself back together in all aspects of your life. Then, after you have managed that, then think about getting into a relationship either with her or with any other person.

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I'm not really conflicted with what I need to do to help myself, what I am having trouble understanding is what would be best for L. If we aren't ever to be again, I can live with that pain, but I absolutely don't want to cause her anymore pain than I already have. L suggested we remain friends, I don't want to do that if it will cause her pain.

I know it sounds cliché, but I am the type that is fiercely loyal, and I will sacrifice myself for those I love and care about. If that means not ever seeing L again, so be it. Obviously, I don't want the pain, but I can endure.

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Just to echo whats already been stated. You need to get better for you first and foremost. Forget relationships for now. Just get better for yourself. EVerything else is secondary.

 

A relationship most likely won't survive PTSD etc if it's caused, at least partly, the breakup. I know where you are coming from. I have PTSD,Anxiety, Depression, DPDR etc etc and i'm finally winning but it's took 2 years and cost me a relationship. When i look back on 12 months ago i wasn't well enough to be in one. If you take time apart and make changes and get truly better then you might get anther chance.

 

I'm glad that you are feeling great now but the road to recovery is a long and painful path, there will be ups and downs so please don't get too carried away when your mood is great and the same when it is low. One day at a time. Take good care of yourself and all the best.

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what I am having trouble understanding is what would be best for L..

 

L said she was in love with another.

 

She wants you to stay in touch for the dog.

 

The dog will get over you, believe me... I think you already know the answer to that. Only L knows what's best for her. Help yourself and get out of that circle that is not helping you recover from this break up.

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Oh for goodness sake - reading about her sensitive dog nearly gave me PTSD. That's just a ridiculous way to string you along and keep you at her beck and call. Dogs, like humans, are extremely resilient. If she perceives this about her dog, I can only wonder about the owner and that is not a person I'd enjoy being around. She strikes me as an insecure and flighty person.

 

Regardless of her shortcomings, I think this relationship has run its course. You should exit and start rebuilding your life. It seems like you've had her to lean on for a lot of it and it's high time you stand on your own two feet. I'm surprised if you've accepted her offer of help with the first month or a security deposit. You should have that saved up before you ever left for your march. I'd suggest you go back to your home town, live with a family relative and save up in advance for a year before moving to another city. Cut her off and move on with your life independently.

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Feeling for you, OP. Feeling your hurt, and feeling the way you approach it.

 

If there's a theme here—and this, among other things, is the stuff for therapy—it seems that you are someone who does a lot of learning and evolving in those "rock bottom" moments. This is a great quality—but, as you've learned, it has downsides. It's a limited, adrenalized kind of evolution—even, in ways, an illusory form of evolution. The lessons slam against you hard, but don't quite stick in the way you want. You go for a long walk and end up where you began.

 

There you were two years ago, circling the drain, and you caught yourself before completely drowning. You snapped to it, planned an adventure, went on the adventure, shed some husks, stood down some demons, tapped into your best self, and even "got" the very thing—L—that you'd not-so-secretly wanted from the moment you left the drain.

 

You got the prize, in short, and with that reward came what? Complacency, regression. Now, prize lost, you're snapping to it again, with the same prize in the crosshairs.

 

I can join you on a deep dive into your own psychology here, finding the demons in the shadows, shooting them down. There's plenty of value in that, but it already sounds like you're pretty equipped for that diagnostic battle. You seem to thrive under pressure, get calm and focused in chaos, qualities that probably served you well in the military—and, when harnessed right, are great inside relationships.

 

So, since your good on that journey, I'm going to offer a different kind of challenge here, one you may not like. And that is: let go of the prize, of L. Because she has never really been the prize, and because making bold changes in the hopes of winning L/doing what's best for L has not worked. Not for you, not for L.

 

Why not? Well, who knows? I know it's tempting to blame the demons—because your demons are real, because focusing on them allows L to remain a goddess—but I'd challenge yourself to accept the simplest, least satisfying answer: that you and L are not compatible. Close, but not quite. Maybe for a time, but not now, which means accepting—like really accepting—maybe not ever.

 

You need to remove her from the crosshairs—from the whole scope—and put only yourself in sight. That's lonely, a less romantic narrative, I know. But it's more satisfying, ultimately, and will allow for a slightly different mode of living and learning: less extreme, less reactive, less reliant on others as catalysts, more consistent. And when you strike that balance in yourself—well, that's when you can strike it alongside another, instead of idealizing another as the reason for evolving.

 

L is just a woman, always has been. She is a woman now in love with someone else and hoping you'll help with the dog. Not ideal, all that, so don't idealize. I think you've made her a bit into a kind of vessel for self-growth, infusing her with more power over you and your than maybe she's ever had. I'd argue that your relationship with her was at its best when it was not a relationship but an idea, when it got you walking across the country instead of when it got you two sharing a couch.

 

If you can come to see how much of that power is just you—that L is just a chapter in the story of your life, rather than the book—I think you'll be more free than you can even imagine right now.

 

And just in case I sound remotely wise here, rest assured I'm just speaking from the same trenches. I have done some wild, bold, and pretty awesome sh*t when I've felt the pull of the drain and in the wake of lost love. I've wandered the globe, turned my body into a machine, crushed it creatively, jumped out of planes—all good stuff, real stuff, though I admit at certain junctures the goal was to impress or win back an L of my own. Learning to let go of that, of that mode of thinking, of appreciating humility more than heroics—well, that's when the real adventure began.

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