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Thread: Whelp, it's over.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    Can you please keep us informed of how you process this as time passes?

    I think there are many posters here, who would be interested in the thought processes the dumper goes through over time.
    I've been the dumper in all of my past relationships, this recent one is no exception. Seriously, if you have any questions for me, you can ask me on here or drop me a PM, I'm all ears (or, err, eyes?).

    The thing is, I think I had loads of time to grieve the end of the relationship. My ex knew this. He knew I wasn't happy with some of the things in the relationship. We had a few heart-to-hearts and he would cry a little bit and then go back to how things were before. So I had time to grieve - I knew he wasn't going to change and I saw the writing on the wall.

    This is why most dumpers appear more calm and composed, because they've had the luxury of getting to grieve before the actual break-up.

    This is all old-hat to me now, sadly.

    But you know, it's a good thing. I'm almost 30 and I am where I want to be in my life: well-paying job, self-sufficient, plans for the future, family that loves me, etc. I never wanted kids (still sterilized) and now I realize that I don't really want marriage either. I have no strict "time table" and I am not pushing myself into anything. I enjoy my free time.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by PROGRESS
    Most people stick to what society expects of them and live sad lives. It's good you chose to do what makes you happy in the end. Congrats!
    I think that is mostly false. When we are in a relationship and both parties want different things, there is a time where its time to make a decision about the relationship. Its not "society" being expectant, but mismatched goals not being compromised in the end. You can compromise a want, but not a need.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    I've been the dumper in all of my past relationships, this recent one is no exception. Seriously, if you have any questions for me, you can ask me on here or drop me a PM, I'm all ears (or, err, eyes?).

    The thing is, I think I had loads of time to grieve the end of the relationship. My ex knew this. He knew I wasn't happy with some of the things in the relationship. We had a few heart-to-hearts and he would cry a little bit and then go back to how things were before. So I had time to grieve - I knew he wasn't going to change and I saw the writing on the wall.

    This is why most dumpers appear more calm and composed, because they've had the luxury of getting to grieve before the actual break-up.

    This is all old-hat to me now, sadly.

    But you know, it's a good thing. I'm almost 30 and I am where I want to be in my life: well-paying job, self-sufficient, plans for the future, family that loves me, etc. I never wanted kids (still sterilized) and now I realize that I don't really want marriage either. I have no strict "time table" and I am not pushing myself into anything. I enjoy my free time.
    I was sort of wondering if he ever started to take care of himself. I know that was something that was souring the relationship. you were not expecting Mr. Physical Fitness Award, but after awhile, one can't watch someone deteriorate from something they are doing to themself.

  4. #14
    Gold Member mines's Avatar
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    Welcome Back Fudgie! Sorry about the reason for your return, however it seems like it's a positive thing for you so yay! Funny (and oddly....) I thought about you this morning as I headed off on a run. I know, weird! But you just popped in my mind and I thought "Wonder how Fudgie is doing....I miss her posts...." then I was running in the rain. I pop on here after dinner and wow, here you are!

    I promise I'm not a stalker!

    Glad to hear you're at peace with your decision - and you're so right - there was a reason you couldn't decide on marriage with him. It wasn't the right move for you.

    Sure hope to see you around more, I have always appreciated your insights!

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    Seriously, if you have any questions for me, you can ask me on here or drop me a PM, I'm all ears (or, err, eyes?).
    Thanks for responding - I am more than a year past BU. In the first few months I often wondered what she was thinking, but that faded. Apart from a birthday breadcrumb from her last year, (a polite exchange of emails which I ended quickly as she is with someone else), complete NC. I didn't contact her on her birthday a few months later, and didn't hear from her on my next one.

    I can only infer that the dumper, ( the X branched to someone else), may have some period of curiosity (after the relief/elation phase), but as they settle into their new phase of life that residual curiosity fades away. Not saying they absolutely forget about someone they had a lengthy (years) relationship with, but there is no longer any urge (biological or otherwise) to try and get any validation from that X, or keep them on the reserves bench.

    Does that sound right?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Great to hear from you, Fudgie. You stayed long enough to recognize that you did all you could, and no doubt you'll carve a bright future. Thank you for thinking of us with an update.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I was sort of wondering if he ever started to take care of himself. I know that was something that was souring the relationship. you were not expecting Mr. Physical Fitness Award, but after awhile, one can't watch someone deteriorate from something they are doing to themself.
    Unfortunately, he never did. Diabetes got worse too and no matter what I did/said, nothing changed. He got into therapy, sure, but again, nothing, no effort. I definitely wasn't expecting perfection. I just wanted him to check his sugar once in a while - that would be a nice start. I just didn't want to stand by and wait for the inevitable decline of health further. He was basically eating himself to death.

    Originally Posted by mines
    Welcome Back Fudgie! Sorry about the reason for your return, however it seems like it's a positive thing for you so yay! Funny (and oddly....) I thought about you this morning as I headed off on a run. I know, weird! But you just popped in my mind and I thought "Wonder how Fudgie is doing....I miss her posts...." then I was running in the rain. I pop on here after dinner and wow, here you are!

    I promise I'm not a stalker!

    Glad to hear you're at peace with your decision - and you're so right - there was a reason you couldn't decide on marriage with him. It wasn't the right move for you.

    Sure hope to see you around more, I have always appreciated your insights!
    It's good to see you! Honestly, I've been away for a while but ENA still pops into my head. I miss you folks. Life is busier for me for sure (working a lot, reading more, etc.) but I miss reading people's stories here and following life updates. I hope you're doing well. I feel a lot better since I've made the decision.

    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    Thanks for responding - I am more than a year past BU. In the first few months I often wondered what she was thinking, but that faded. Apart from a birthday breadcrumb from her last year, (a polite exchange of emails which I ended quickly as she is with someone else), complete NC. I didn't contact her on her birthday a few months later, and didn't hear from her on my next one.

    I can only infer that the dumper, ( the X branched to someone else), may have some period of curiosity (after the relief/elation phase), but as they settle into their new phase of life that residual curiosity fades away. Not saying they absolutely forget about someone they had a lengthy (years) relationship with, but there is no longer any urge (biological or otherwise) to try and get any validation from that X, or keep them on the reserves bench.

    Does that sound right?
    It does sound right to me, yes. I definitely have felt that curiosity urge in the past, sure, but I know from this forum about how damaging breadcrumbs can be. I'm pretty good about sticking to NC when needed. I am in occasional contact with 2 of my past exes (neither were bad or abusive relationships) but we had to have a long period of healing after the relationship in order to get to that place and I know for sure that they are over me as I am over them. There are no hard feelings. The other exes, I don't talk to and I don't want to.

    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Great to hear from you, Fudgie. You stayed long enough to recognize that you did all you could, and no doubt you'll carve a bright future. Thank you for thinking of us with an update.
    It's good to see you, catfeeder. I hope life is treating you well. Life is looking up already, no doubt.

  9. #18
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    Unfortunately, he never did. Diabetes got worse too and no matter what I did/said, nothing changed. He got into therapy, sure, but again, nothing, no effort. I definitely wasn't expecting perfection. I just wanted him to check his sugar once in a while - that would be a nice start. I just didn't want to stand by and wait for the inevitable decline of health further. He was basically eating himself to death.


    That's really sad, and not just in terms of the relationship.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie


    It does sound right to me, yes. I definitely have felt that curiosity urge in the past, sure, but I know from this forum about how damaging breadcrumbs can be. I'm pretty good about sticking to NC when needed. I am in occasional contact with 2 of my past exes (neither were bad or abusive relationships) but we had to have a long period of healing after the relationship in order to get to that place and I know for sure that they are over me as I am over them.
    I do not think the reason my ex did not contact me (but for once) was respect for the NC process. I think she simply moved on completely after a few months with the next fellow. On the other hand, there is at least one mutual friend who I suspect sends reports - She interrogates me every few months or so, about stuff we did not discuss in prior years. So maybe any curiosity is being satisfied indirectly.

    In the end, it is probably better for that to happen than getting any breadcumbs, as far as the healing process goes.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    Hey Fudgie sorry to hear about you and K! I did wonder, when you were still posting, how it was working out for you as you were talking about not being able to have sex because of his size. Sad to hear itís not gotten better..

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