I thought we were just friends?

Hello all, this may be as much of a doozy for you as it is for me, but bear with me here. So I'm no stranger to one night stands but something happened recently that my brain can't seem to make sense of. Just a bit of backstory: so I've been friends with this guy, A, for about 5 years now. Now we're not super duper close, but we have a good time together whenever we see each other and consider ourselves to be friends. There was a brief period of time where there may have been mutual feelings for each other but I got over that (not sure about him though?)

One night A and I are both at a house party thrown by a mutual friend of ours, and there's some day drinking with a long pause in between some heavier night drinking. I notice throughout the night that A is giving me a lot of compliments which is out of the ordinary because we're always jokingly mean to each other, but hey a compliment's a compliment. As the night progresses, I get a little bit stoned and I end up sitting next to A on the couch while we chat with some friends. Now we're both cross faded but my fuzzy brain notices that his hand is totally gripping my thigh and never really moves it until we eventually head back inside the house. I don't think much of it other than it's an endearing gesture, and eventually A and I decide to stay over rather than call an Uber home. Since there are a lot of other people staying at my friend B's house for various reasons, A and I take the floor of B's room. Now I distinctly remember my friend B saying before we went to sleep, "don't f***ing have sex in here," and my idiot brain was like LOL why even worry about that (side note: after the fact, B told me she was picking up that he was coming onto me during the party but apparently I'm oblivious.)

Well...A and I are on the floor half asleep/half awake watching some movie on TV when A starts lightly caressing my arm, and then proceeds to caress just about every other part of my body for the rest of the night. I definitely welcomed it but this made absolutely 0 sense to me in the moment and still doesn't now as A has never expressed any interest in me at all and I can count the times we've even hugged in the years we've known each other on one hand. It wasn't overly sexual--save for the brief breach in my underwear, the hand in my bra (not sure if anything was ever grabbed), and a hand squeezing my ass. Mostly, it was kinda sweet caresses and he was definitely close enough to me that I could feel him breathing on my face. At one point, our hands were interlocked and A was lightly kissing my knuckles and kept pulling me closer to him.

This is a strange situation being that we were both intoxicated, but we barely knew what to say to each other the next day. He claims he doesn't remember much, which I don't entirely believe because he would get up in the middle of the night to check his phone or send a text whilst his hand was god knows where on my body. And I don't know what he said, but in the middle of the night he said something to me and said my name so he was definitely lucid enough to know it was me. I'm just unsure what to think of it and we haven't spoken much since. I flirted with him briefly after-the-fact, but we only seem to connect like that when we're under the influence of something.

Sorry this is so long but any thoughts are appreciated!! :^)

Ah, the boozy, nonsensical days of one's 20s! (Tell me, please, that we are talking about people in their 20s...)

Anyhow, not really sure what you want me to say except what I have a sneaking suspicion you like hearing about dudes in general: that, OMG, he's into you! Or, well, when "cross faded" he was into some underwear tugging and knuckle kissing to see if, you know, you'd "f**king have sex with him" like your friend thought you might—and, per your words ("no stranger to one night stands") is something that occurs on the semi-regular.

As your friend, he probably knows this about you. Imagine a lot of dudes you know know this about you, since you write about it with a fair amount of pride. Is there some self-loathing beneath that pride? A desire for a deeper kind of intimacy than you've experienced? Some questions worth considering.

But, well, as a cross faded (sorry, love that term!) dude he thought: hey, maybe I can be the one night stand tonight.

So, yeah, there you go. That's what happened. As for you only connecting "like that" when you're under the influence—well, that makes both of you part of a very large population (yeah, I'm talking the 7 billion people on the planet) who get frisky when tanked.

It's rarely the start of happily ever after, but it can be the start of a happy time that ends a few minutes later. All good. A lot of people spend their 20s pin-balling around with their bodies in the haze of a crisscross fade (can't help it lol!) and, when it gets boring and shallow and kind of icky-feeling, they change course.

Pardon but who cares? I thought you weren't supposed to care because you're just 'friends'. Your language suggests to me you have feelings for him or are starting to have feelings for him. You're a little flowery and reminiscent. If you want to know what he's really thinking, get down to the bare bones and ask him. If you want to keep it personal and fantasize about it, you're entitled to.

My spidey sense just tells me he's too chicken to do anything about you and doesn't know how to ask a woman out(or he's involved with someone else or you're bad news overall/not the type to date). Either way if a man wants to be with you he'll make it known, trust me. This is only one of two things: 1) he's not a man or 2) you're not the woman for him.

Edit: Being in your early 20's sucks, and I forgot to clarify this but I'm a rather private person i.e. know one knows my history except me. I guess the part I'm asking about is how do I confront this? Do I confront it? I'm highly aware that I'm bad at intimacy which I why I'm comfortable with the ol' one-n-done, if you catch my drift, so that's 100% of the reason why I have no idea how to proceed. Thank you all for your comments!

You're totally right! I really shouldn't care because I know I have no feelings for him and it seems I'm dwelling on the fact that he might which is a waste of time. I have little to no experience with intimacy which is the part of all of it that whigs me out the most aka I don't know how to confront it ("We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.") As for being flowery, I guess that's just how I write, but thank you!!!

Okay, we're getting to the good stuff. I was joshing a bit up top, I admit, with the hopes of getting to what's under the hood.

Well, I think the thing to be confronting here is the "bad at intimacy" stuff, because this, best I can see, is just an extension of that. In short, what is it that you want from intimacy? A boyfriend? A longterm relationship? Sounds like right now you're getting a lot of action but still very much craving something. Sounds like you wouldn't mind being done with, well, the ol' one-n-dones.

As for him: Do you like him? As in: like like? Do you want to be more than friends? If so, you talk to him—with words, when sober, rather than with bodies, when not sober. The latter is a shortcut to vulnerability, but it's not real, whereas the former is real vulnerability.

And, yup, being in your early 20s basically does suck. Been there, feel for you. Rest assured it just keeps getting better.

I clearly didn't make my point clear so here's a copy n' paste: "Being in your early 20's sucks, and I got too caught up to clarify this but I'm a rather private person i.e. no one knows my history except me. I guess the part I'm asking about is how do I confront this? Do I confront it? I'm highly aware that I'm bad at intimacy which I why I'm comfortable with the ol' one-n-done, if you catch my drift, so that's 100% of the reason why I have no idea how to proceed." I appreciate the questions you asked about the pride and how maybe there's some self-loathing, which to answer your question: yes there is. But I'm not too sure about pride? Apparently I sound super flowery when I write which may give the appearance of pride but honestly don't know. Romantic anything freaks me out (yay! quality childhood trauma) to the point where my tiny, college-aged brain can't comprehend anything. Guess I worded this badly. Either way, thank you for your words!

edit: just saw your other post :-)

Can you talk a bit more about how "romantic anything freaks me out"? Can you give me another example? And can you answer my other questions, the ones about what you want, intimately, that maybe you're not getting?

Here's the thing: that "tiny, college-aged brain" of yours? One, it's the same size as my post-college, 39-year-old brain—same size, really, as all brains—so pardon me if I don't buy that little damsel move. And it's pretty dang obvious you got stuck with a brain that works at a pretty high capacity. Imagine you don't hear that a lot in out in the world of cross fade fun—but, well, own it. It's a fact, and a very lucky fact of your life.

But I think you already know it, and are smart enough to know that the the whole "tiny, college-aged brain" quip was a defense mechanism of sort. Another defense mechanism? The little "(yay! quality childhood trauma)" burp—but, sorry, you're sparring with a master at those quips (yay! lots of childhood trauma here too!), and so what I see right there is something on your mind, something you're kind of working through.

Like—and I'm just spitballing here—maybe you want to not be so freaked out by romance, and you even kinda know where the freak out come from—that trauma, etc.—and yet what's frustrating is how knowing that doesn't change it, doesn't un-freak you out, doesn't stop weird nights like the other weird night from happening on the regular.

Something about the other night has you thrown. Not because you secretly like your friend, which you at least say you don't, but because you were kind of "freaked out" by the whole thing. Were you freaked out because you let him touch and caress you? Freaked out because he was kind of sweet about it all (maybe unlike other one-n-dones) but also kind of vague (like 99 percent of early 20s males)? Freaked out because you liked the safety of him as a legit friend, but then he goes and pulls this? Freaked out because a lot of cross faded nights get sexual, even when you didn't quite want them to?

Just riffing, just asking questions. Still trying to figure out what's really behind the urge to find this site and post.

Banana, I can't tell if you're real or if you're really high. Just relax, will you. Why are you so worried about confronting anything? There's nothing to confront. The guy doesn't like you. If he did he'd ask you out by now.

If you feel overly anxious in social situations, it's not a 20s thing. Forget all the age nonsense and get rid of all that pressure. Release yourself from whatever worries you have and start hanging around men who treat you like a lady not feeling you up like they're stroking their buddha belly while swiping on tinder while you're both laying on the floor of some friend's house(hello? not classy). Leave this guy alone.

Maybe you shouldn't have let him put his hands wherever he wanted on you. What kind of signal do you think that sends him!

After 5 years I can understand why the guy is hesitant to ask, he may worry about if you say no. Lowered inhibitions probably led to the explorations that night. It sounds like you both are scared that something not just casual my crop up. Ultimately you have to ask yourself is having a frank conversation now going to be easier than wondering what could have been.

I've kissed a handful of my bro's friends for fun over the years. We don't ever bring it up again. Unless you want some more or horrified by what happened, no need to bring it up with him.

I spent my 20's avoiding true intimacy as I worked this past relationship that wound up with him stalking me and getting a restraining order against him. But fell hard in love in the 30's and went on to marry and have kids.

But, I have a feeling you are bothered he hasn't delved into it. Either you want attention, or you really like him, and the physical affection has stirred up your pot.

Thank goodness I've never had a one night stand. Except for the nightstand next to my bed!

Here's a little secret: drunk people are easy! But will they still love you in the morning?!

Since you two had the opportunity to date for 5 years and didn't, it's just friends forever, there will probably not be anything serious between you.

People who are seriously interested in each other really want to date you - soon.

Wow, girl. Why not stop this day drinking into night drinking and laying about on the floor with whomever? have some dignity. Maybe he has feelings, maybe not, but it sure sounds at this point that he simply took what you were offering.