How to manage anxiety during the first stages of dating

I have gone on 2 dates with someone and I feel taken over by those dates.

I liked his online profile straight away (let's call him S) and like him physically too. We seem to have a lot in common at first glance and most importantly we seem to have shared values.

He seems super keen too. We are both trying to be sensible but this is very new to me..I am usually attracted to the crazy and he seems balanced. There is a mutual attraction in all areas so far.

Trouble is that..so far this is so good I find myself catastrophising and thinking the only way is downhill from here. Today I felt a lot of anxiety about where this might go and how to navigate those early days, feeling both excited to get to know him more but also worried about allowing someone in my life - it is quite easy being single.

I went on a date with someone else after the first date with S and it was very flat. I will try to go on another date with someone else too but I am kinda pushing myself a little so I don't put all my eggs in one basket.

Any tips on how to stay grounded and not sabotage this?

What you’re describing sounds like a bit of generalized anxiety that dating exacerbates. Do you have a little personal arsenal of things that you know work to keep you balanced? Yoga is common. For me yoga + surfing + motorcycle rides + reading lots of books + (judge away) a splash of bourbon come sunset work wonders on my sanity. And so on.

And, of course, the big one: therapy.

As for dating? I think it’s pretty normal to get a little jittery when things are new and fun—but to a degree. To be having such catastrophic thoughts after two sparkly dates seems a bit extreme, perhaps connected to some unprocess feelings about some of those crazies in your past. Guess in your shoes I’d be reminding myself of two things: that I don’t really know this person, and that I’ll be fine, wherevever it goes, because I trust my judgement and am pretty resilient. And, with that: exhale.

As for setting up the other dates: never hurts. Seems to be a somewhat controversial subject on here, but I find it gives perspective. That said, to be using dates with others simply to keep your head on straight with Guy One, as opposed to being legit open/curious about others—well, be careful there. That’s really just giving Guy One a lot of power that he doesn’t really have, which may just amp up the anxiety.

I believe that keeping your options open helps, for example, you like this one person but continue seeing others that might be a match.

Keep your dates very casual, and don't jump too quickly into something, even if you feel like you click with someone, as it may be just a temporary infatuation, and keep busy, continue to live your life and enjoy your hobbies, dont make it all about the dates.

Talk to your friends about it, they know you and support you.

I guess it all depends how long you have been single for or if you have fears of getting hurt. I find myself asking the same questions I just answered here LOL

All the best to you.

I stayed grounded by continuing to meet and try to meet other men. I also kept myself very busy and distracted, kept mantras that worked for me in my head to remind myself to keep feet on the ground despite head being in the clouds. It's normal to feel anxious like this especially since for you it's been quite awhile since you've felt a strong attraction in a potentially very appropriate situation. Have fun and enjoy the heck out of it if you possibly can!!

I get into those same spirals in my head. Therapy and tons of work on myself has made me more self-aware and able to manage my emotions without acting on them but the anxiety still happens. I think realizing how much damage my anxiety and insecurity has caused when I project it on others has made me want to change that behavior. It's not easy by any means... it helps to have a good support system to help walk through the feelings.

Of course the other side of it is that sometimes our anxiety happens because our intuitions are trying to tell us that there is something wrong with the situation. I find it important to stay grounded and observe actions carefully. If my intuition is screaming at me to not get involved... I need to listen because there is a reason.

The tangible actions I take today are practicing mindfulness... meditating, staying in the moment, being with the feeling, and just observing without acting. I also force myself to take space and time to reflect on my own... I need this in order to feel grounded. I try not to let negative thoughts rent space in my head... if they show up just acknowledging them and moving on. And doing things that build confidence in ME.... taking care of my physical health, doing things that make me happy, etc.

I stay grounded by knowing that no matter what happens - whether it works out or not -- I will be OK.

Hopefully learned something to take with me to my next dating experience/relationship.

Once you become resilient and know you won't fall to pieces if things don't work out, you're able to relax, have fun, not over-think, and allow things to take their natural course -- without pushing due to anxiety, insecurity, etc, which typically has the opposite effect -- pushing the person away.

And this is coming from someone who has severely struggled with debilitating anxiety until I learned how to manage with yoga, eating good healthy foods, plenty of sleep and staying positive.

Also I always treated the date as the last date -from a realistic perspective, not negative -if there was no future date planned it was the last date until there was a plan. So I enjoyed the memories and put the guy off my radar.

 

So I enjoyed the memories and put the guy off my radar.

Agree but easier said than done when you really click! For me anyway. But I try.

I don’t know that there is one.

Doing the very thing that causes you anxiety while attempting to treat it is attempting to scoop water out of a boat with holes. We all know you patch the holes before you put the boat back out in the water but for some reason when it comes to humans and our mental health we go out in that water, holes galore.

If you find yourself unable to self sooth or walk yourself off the ledge you should do work on yourself.

Agree but easier said than done when you really click! For me anyway. But I try.

Yes but for me it was essential since I didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket too soon. So I kept up the mantra and worked on that mindset regularly. Because it's the truth -unless you have a time/place plan to see each other again it's the last date no matter what he says/does/implies. I had plenty of experiences where the guy talked nonstop about wanting to see me again, I showed interest and enthusiasm and he never followed through. It happens, fact of life in early dating especially. There was one guy -this was kind of funny -every 5 minutes or so during our one hour date he would stop and exclaim with a big smile "I'm going to call you!!!" - so I decided basically that I hoped he didn't.

He did call -three weeks later. I never responded of course. LOL. Many things are easier said than done. Depends on the goal and how important it is. I'm very disciplined about lots of things. There are downsides to that but more upsides than downsides for me. So I get the sentiment and it's a challenge and worth it -depending on the goal. If Quirky just wanted a fling then sure she should just float along on cloud nine and the anxiety would be worth the thrills and wouldn't potentially risk anything or sabotage anything for a short term fling. But she seems to want more and my input assumes that.

 

But she seems to want more and my input assumes that.

Yes I got she seems to want more, and my response assumed that also.

I think you gave great advice but for me, when I fall (which is rare), I fall hard and quickly, so it takes some doing to take the guy off my radar.

But as I said, I try!

I know I'll be OK though no matter what, I bounce back quick! Especially if we've only had a few dates.

Knowing that alleviates the anxiety, for the most part -- again, for me. :)

Any tips on how to stay grounded and not sabotage this?

Don't sabotage it by distracting yourself with other men and putting a wall up. Stop casually dating other men while seeing this guy! This is exactly what every other chick or dude does and all they end up being are lesser versions of themselves.

Here are some rules I used:

-use your gut instincts always!

-if you feel happy express it

-if there are red flags address it immediately and ask questions NOW, don't wait to ask them

-if his story checks out, believe him

-if you both have time, spend more time together doing different activities (don't just sit and talk for example)

And absolutely do not see more than one person at a time. I could look right through a person and know within a few minutes if that person was seeing someone else while on a date or seeing other people. There's an entirely different energy and I can smell it a mile away. Enjoy your time with this person! Good luck.

Thank you all so much for your responses as they really help. Helps to see that others also get nervous at the early stages of dating.

Being in the present seems to be a common suggestion and continuing with life as normal.

I have been off work this week as I am starting a new job next Monday and suspect I have had more time to think about S. It's like my whole week has been different as I don't have the usual 9-5 brain occupation.

Also, I haven't been eating as well - due to the week off I have been in 'holiday' mode and ate a lot more crap food. I went back on track yesterday.

Therapy - I attend weekly therapy and I went yesterday which helped.

Fears of getting hurt - I find myself not dating just for fun nowadays and that puts a lot more pressure on myself and the process. Since my father died 18 months ago I have become implicitly and explicitly aware of our mortality, issues around loneliness as my dad died alone/single and I am experiencing a lot of existential anxiety. As a result I have become terrified at the thought of my mum dying one day and when I date men I think at the back of my head that I am choosing someone to go through the worst with. This is not conducive to just chilling but the truth is 2 of my best friends who are now 50 are supporting friends in similar age that are going through cancer, since I turned 40 it feels like time is ticking and things got really serious or something..

Also my last ex was quite intense and a tad controlling and sadly this is the last vibe I remember. So in relation S is very slow and sensible and respectful which I occasionally interpret as lacking assertiveness but this is simply because of what I was used to.

I don't plan to encourage a lot of new dates but may see the 2 I had made vague arrangements with already. S seems keen but no talk about exclusivity has been introduced as we have only had 2 dates.

I want to do this right and keep myself contained because for once I don't actually have a bad intuition, at least not yet!

Yes I got she seems to want more, and my response assumed that also.

 

I think you gave great advice but for me, when I fall (which is rare), I fall hard and quickly, so it takes some doing to take the guy off my radar.

 

But as I said, I try!

 

I know I'll be OK though no matter what, I bounce back quick! Especially if we've only had a few dates.

 

Knowing that alleviates the anxiety, for the most part -- again, for me. :)

Yes so do I- I meant exactly how you feel ,I felt and of course it takes some doing. It all takes more than some doing -for some it is easy to find a good match and for me it was a struggle for many years for many different reasons so I didn't want to add to the struggle by reacting to those feelings you described -I had the same exact ones - by putting all my aging eggs in one basket.

I meant off the radar as far as of course you can't control feelings. But each date was the last and if we had another one planned I looked forward to it AND reacted to my feelings by letting them exist while meeting other people.

Thank you all so much for your responses as they really help. Helps to see that others also get nervous at the early stages of dating.

Being in the present seems to be a common suggestion and continuing with life as normal.

 

I have been off work this week as I am starting a new job next Monday and suspect I have had more time to think about S. It's like my whole week has been different as I don't have the usual 9-5 brain occupation.

Also, I haven't been eating as well - due to the week off I have been in 'holiday' mode and ate a lot more crap food. I went back on track yesterday.

 

Therapy - I attend weekly therapy and I went yesterday which helped.

 

Fears of getting hurt - I find myself not dating just for fun nowadays and that puts a lot more pressure on myself and the process. Since my father died 18 months ago I have become implicitly and explicitly aware of our mortality, issues around loneliness as my dad died alone/single and I am experiencing a lot of existential anxiety. As a result I have become terrified at the thought of my mum dying one day and when I date men I think at the back of my head that I am choosing someone to go through the worst with. This is not conducive to just chilling but the truth is 2 of my best friends who are now 50 are supporting friends in similar age that are going through cancer, since I turned 40 it feels like time is ticking and things got really serious or something..

 

Also my last ex was quite intense and a tad controlling and sadly this is the last vibe I remember. So in relation S is very slow and sensible and respectful which I occasionally interpret as lacking assertiveness but this is simply because of what I was used to.

 

I don't plan to encourage a lot of new dates but may see the 2 I had made vague arrangements with already. S seems keen but no talk about exclusivity has been introduced as we have only had 2 dates.

I want to do this right and keep myself contained because for once I don't actually have a bad intuition, at least not yet!

I wouldn't overthink the psychology stuff - you are seeing a therapist so you've taken care of that -and ruminating on all the heavy stuff is good to a point and at a point it may be you getting in your own way. I wouldn't date just for fun either -because to me meeting people through online sites and other ways was partly a job, not fun. Sometimes dating was fun -in fact a lot of the time -but it was fun because I felt like I was clicking and enjoying someone's company and seeing the potential for something serious. That to me is fun. The lighthearted easy breezy "oh it doesn't matter if he calls -it's just a fling - was fun when I was really young and/or was at Club med in my 20s and early 30s lol - was fun. Casual dating with no potential for the long term/no strings attached to me is not fun. To some it is -I get you why it isn't!

Hi all, just to update my overwhelming romance has gone on another level now, S asked me to be his girlfriend on our 3rd date! I was so overwhelmed when I saw him, lost in his beauty and my all round desire for him that I could hardly listen to what he was saying until he asked that and then I was just speechless. I had to drink some wine and attempt to catch up with my feelings. I managed to articulate something along the lines that I can commit to not going on other dates but can answer his question more confidently after we have been intimate and have agreed to take our profiles down.

He replied that he hasn't been on the site since we first meet and has no interest but is happy to take all his pictures down and he is certain of what he wants. That he had prayed recently to meet someone nice, that I am everything and more than what he hoped for.....[ WHAT...THE....**** I CANNOT CATCH UP WITH THIS lol] And continued with saying that if I need longer he is happy to wait but he is sure he does not want to date someone else. Later he gave me a small gift he had got for me. He was inspired to get me the gift because I brought him a card from an exhibition I had attended. I was melting even more.

He told me that he usually has a bad instinct about something when he has met other women and that his friends would say he is too fussy but that with me he does not have a bad instinct and feels straight away like he can trust me. He has asked if I want to go away with him and 2 of his friends in June, wants to come with me in August when I am abroad and generally seems to have a calm certainty that this is to last. My ex was pretty certain about me too but there was an anxious neediness about his certainty and a desperation to convince me for it whereas that is not what I am picking up from S.

On Friday night we spent 10 hrs together, from 18:00 till 4am and then we met briefly on Saturday for 3 hours. On Saturday we spend some more private time and our chemistry was insane. So I think I have either met the one or I am having a psychotic episode with the best hallucinations ever hehe..

I simply cannot believe I have met someone with what appears to be great compatibility. God I hope this lasts. We both seem smitten at the moment so I guess it is reciprocated. I genuinely look at him and feel disbelief at how a guy like him could be single, his face is a dream

But he said the same for me which again feels unbelievable.

For now we agreed to get tested and also to go away for 2 days around Easter.

I am starting a new job tomorrow and I will have to draw from all resources to concentrate on anything else as I am in some love bubble dreaming of S and all the things we can do.

Sounds exciting and awesome! I'm not sure about something though -when he asked you that didn't you assume that he'd take down his online profile -what would he need that for if he wants you to be his girlfriend? I'm glad he is comfortable with waiting until after you have sex as that seems to be important for you to confirm before agreeing to be his girlfriend.

Good luck on the new job and enjoy all of this as much as you can!!

Thank you Batya33 for wishing me well. He said he simply hasn't logged in but is happy to take all his pictures and info. I understand he had a 3 month subscription and I had 1.

I actually had another mini freakout yesterday after I posted here.

I had ordered the sexual health test kit, booked a film for Tuesday's date, spoken to some more of my friends about him and messaged a couple of guys from the site that I will not be meeting them as I want to focus on one person at the moment. I did things that signify some sort of commitment to S and then I became really anxious, nit picking every single thing he was writing and feeling that he wasn't as complimentary or as engaged ...So I started deciding my usual stupid games such as I will not text him all day tomorrow so he doesn't take me for granted. Thinking 'maybe I shouldn't have turned down that Scottish guy I was gonna meet next week', remembering M's intensity, disliking my body, finding flaws at S..just insecurity and nervousness at the thought of falling for him and then him leaving.

I managed to share with him some of my nervousness and he said that actually it makes him feel good to know that because he feels the same and in a way that is a positive to him, that I even feel I could fall for him.

Sadly this didn't assuage me but I didn't tell him anything more as he is not responsible for my intense abandonment issues.

It's not his fault it's just at that point I wanted to hear something complimentary probably like a lot of the other things he had said the previous days. He was a tiny less involved yesterday but it could be he had his own stuff at home going on.

My goal remains the same, to try and be in the moment as much as possible and to see where this goes. To post here and talk to friends when my fears kick in and try to sooth myself and monitor how I am feeling.

I agree completely that you should not subject him to your insecurities in this way because it's not about him and it shouldn't be his burden to reassure you about these sorts of insecurities -and especially this early on.

I think you can be in the moment and also be goal oriented. The two aren't mutually exclusive. If you can do the 4-7-8 breathing or whatever it may be that centers you you will know if your perceptions about his level of contact are based on reality or your insecurities or some mish mash of the two.

I'm glad he thinks it's positive - the first time this happens it's often flattering. Typically not the second or third. I've been on both sides of this situation. I empathize with how you're feeling and psyched that you know you have to handle it not him.