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Thread: Comparing vs Opening Up to My Girlfriend

  1. #1
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    Comparing vs Opening Up to My Girlfriend

    I really could use some advice on how to communicate with my girlfriend. In the early days of our relationship, I was not verbally complimentary as I should have been, I expressed my love differently, and always tried to reassure in the worst ways. Whats tripping me up in my relationship is how I told my girlfriend "I was once told I was The best" after she said I was the best. I said it three times, twice after she mentioned it bothered her. I really was not comparing sex with other people, I was just trying to be open about what was said to me in the past and how I never felt this way. I shot myself in the foot in panicked conversations saying "maybe they felt good, but I didn't" at some point which has now made the situation uneedingly worse. I always just tried to reassure that my girlfriend everything my past relationships weren't. She's saying she cannot forgive the fact that "I compared the sex". I really am confused, I'm going to loose the love of my life because of my male stupidity. :( Any advice on how to understand this comparison without feeling like I was just trying to compare sex would be much appreciated.

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    It was clumsy of you to say, "I was once told I was the best." Good grief.

    You need to grovel a bit.

  3. #3
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    I don't understand? It makes no sense.
    Did you tell her that other women were better lovers?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Did you brag about other women perceiving you to be good?

    I’m confused too

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  6. 04-03-2019, 04:46 PM

  7. #5
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Did you brag about other women perceiving you to be good?

    I’m confused too
    I in my mind was trying to be reassuring telling her that my past was horrible and that she was the best, I did say that these other people told this to me. I know it was rude, but I really don't feel this should break us up. I was not clear in explaining things back then and made things worse than they had to be but now she just views me as untrustworthy and just wanting to compare sex with other people. I really was not trying to compare sex. I'm confused myself honestly. Nothing is getting through.

  8. #6
    Bronze Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Saying "I was once told I was The best" sounds as if you're a braggart, very boastful, full of yourself and pompous. Dial it down. You have to be careful whenever you interact with people in society whether it's your family, girlfriend, co-workers, friends, everyone. Be humble and modest because it will take you far in life not to mention it will be less awkward for those who listen to you.

    If you lose the love of your life due to your male stupidity or human stupidity, chalk it up to another harsh lesson learned. That's life. We all learn from our dumb mistakes. You're not the only one.

    In the future, don't compare yourself to others, don't talk about comparisons and it's better left unsaid. The more you talk, the more you're pounding more nails into your own coffin. Err on the side of caution by keeping your mouth shut. Don't talk too much.

    With people whether girlfriend or not, compliments are nice as long as you don't over do it otherwise it sounds insincere. Sprinkle truthful compliments here and there because it is kind but do it tactfully.

    Think before you act and speak and you will be fine. You can't undo the past but from this day forward change to become a better person. Think more, talk less.

  9. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm just going to big picture this for a second and say this this relationship kind of sounds like if it's on life support, if not hanging on past its due date.

    Your last post was about how you barely have sex, in part because she is cruel to you, calls you an ogre, and so on. Now it seems—and this is classic end of days stuff—you guys are re-litigating conversations that occurred, what, years earlier? That's buried resentments, long simmering, now surfacing. It's what people do when they're in a scorched earth mindset, when they'd rather take comfort in finding things to dislike about a partner than, you know, adore.

    Whether you were a bit of a knucklehead early, or are a bit of one in general, it's kind of bizarre to be having a back and forth about this now. And I'm sorry if I sound insensitive here, but this is the sort of thing that just about any mature, confident, adult woman would get over in, I don't know, an hour. People have sex with people before having sex with you. If you like enjoying sex with them, odds are few others have as well.

    And, yeah, some people say some tone deaf stuff over the course of a relationship. If this has you splayed over the coals I'd be questioning the relationship, not the nitty gritty of this manufactured drama.

  10. #8
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    Oh dear... I get that you were just trying to be honest, but honesty with no tenderness can be incredibly cruel. What she would have experienced was that at a really intimate moment for her, you were looking back at previous sexual encounters and, instead of regarding the moment as something special and precious, you were placing her at the end of a long line of admirers. And you didn't just do it once, but three times! Ignoring the fact that she said it bothered her.

    You sound young and inexperienced. If you learn anything from this... Let it be that if something you perceive to be 'honest' or 'open' actually bothers your partner, then DONT do it again!

    You can try giving her flowers, taking her out somewhere nice - but don't hold your breath. Sorry. The best you can do is learn from it. You may think it's not worth breaking up over, but the lack of respect for her feelings is making her think differently

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    I know I'm probably just sounding like an here, but really this is the ONLY women I've ever actually cared for. I had five bad experiences in my life before that. My stupidity allowed me to assume that my feelings and confidence in us was "just known", and I didn't do a good job at setting things right now. The problem is now that me telling the actual truth isn't believed because I've been so inconsistent due to my bad communication. We have been going back and fourth about the same issues for along time, it's frustrating because I really never meant to be mean or bring her down ever. I really think this was just male stupidity. I'm my girlfriends first relationship ever so she now just thinks there are easier and more considerate guys out there, but I feel the things I did were small in comparison to how most men treat their girlfriends. I really don't want to loose her.

  12. #10
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Is this her first relationship?

    Ark, you seem to me like a man of specifics and details. Very caught up with details. Depending on how your partner perceives you she may or may not appreciate this characteristic about you. This is NOT always a character flaw so stop calling it 'stupidity' and running yourself down. There are always two(or more) sides to the story and I'm inclined to be on yours.

    Just practice better listening from now onwards. If she does want to throw the towel in you cannot stop her and it's best you respect her wishes. There is no use in putting yourself through the grinder any further. Simply acknowledge and learn. That's all there is to it. Remember that you cannot keep or be with anyone who doesn't want to be with you. Stop struggling. Start using your strengths and don't break yourself down.

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