I think this one is over...some perspective?

I've been seeing a lady for a couple of years now...I'm divorced with 2 teenagers and she's widowed with 3 kids in college. I've been a bit gun shy with this relationship because after getting divorced I got into a relationship with a Borderline and it left me with some scars.... and from the word go my lady friend has been pushing hard for things to "go farther." She's for the most part a great lady...with a couple of exceptions. She's very needy, and she can get extremely emotional when she's not happy. Needless to say, after having been involved with a Borderline, this scares the out of me.

In addition to that, I'm 53 friggin years old....I thought this high school drama crap would be over with years ago....and I'm just worn out by it. To me it's not worth being in relationship if I have to text/call all the time and reaffirm my affection because someone is acting like a child.

This weekend - she gave me an ultimatum. Start making major concessions for her (and be happy about it as she said) or we're over. These major concessions include letting her get involved with my children (which so far I have resisted). My kids are in a great, secure place - and I don't want to introduce another element into their lives to make them question things. She's giving me the "if you really loved me you'd introduce me to your kids" after previously saying "I know your kids come first and I'll always respect that." Until now, of course....which I knew would come one day.

I'm tired of nothing ever being enough...I'm definitely not going to be given ultimatums. Am I screwed up? Because that's what she's telling me.

The only way you're screwed up is by allowing this relationship to continue. If you're this unhappy now, please don't think it's going to get better down the road.

She has made her ultimatum and told you what she requires to continue being with you. After three years, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to meet your children. But as for her constant need for attention and affirmation, if that doesn't sit well with you, you should probably end it now.

Point of no return = awkward!

She was into you far more (and faster) than you were into her in those two years. If you're not comfy introducing her to the rest of your family by now, it's over. Plain and simple. Let her go. She's a bit of suspect herself for hanging on this long with a man who wasn't that into her in the first place. It takes two to tango. If I were you, I'd do both of yourselves a favour and free each other up to spend time with new partners/new relationships.

I don't understand how you managed to stay together for 2 years..

You and this lady are in very different places emotionally. You are definitely scarred by your previous relationship, justifiably so! and she, well she is a great lady but needy and extremely emotional.

It's on her that after 2 years of dating you she feels like she has to give you an ultimatum. It's a horrible thing to do to someone... if the relationship is really not where she wants it to be then she can either come to terms with it or move on.

Have you introduced the kids to anyone before after your divorce?

I repeat, you are at very different stages in life. If you feel like after 2 years you do not want her near your kids, perhaps, she is not the one and you've known this for a while but continued the relationship for your own reasons.

If I had been dating you for two years and you had not introduced me to your kids, I would be gone. You keep her on the periphery of your life, and this is not fair. She deserves better than what you are giving!

I suggest you end things, and get some therapy for all of your trust issues.

Thanks for all the replies.

If I had been dating you for two years and you had not introduced me to your kids, I would be gone. You keep her on the periphery of your life, and this is not fair. She deserves better than what you are giving!

 

I suggest you end things, and get some therapy for all of your trust issues.

Thanks for your opinion.

 

 

Have you introduced the kids to anyone before after your divorce?

 

I repeat, you are at very different stages in life. If you feel like after 2 years you do not want her near your kids, perhaps, she is not the one and you've known this for a while but continued the relationship for your own reasons.

I introduced them to the Borderline lady...and of course that ended badly. Here's the thing - if I was dating the Queen of England I wouldn't want her near my kids...I just don't feel it's on my KIDS to have to deal with someone new in their lives. So, to me....and I probably need therapy to work this out... it's a matter of letting my kids live their lives as unencumbered as possible. And it's been working great - they make good grades, are involved in lots of activities, one just became and Eagle Scout and the other will be within a few months. I haven't pushed myself on her kids either - (and they certainly seem to be ok with that...they've been NONE too friendly). And that's fine by me because I don't feel the need to - I like being with their mother and I have kids of my own. I don't NEED her kids to feel validated. Again, maybe I'm really screwed up.

I introduced them to the Borderline lady...and of course that ended badly. Here's the thing - if I was dating the Queen of England I wouldn't want her near my kids...I just don't feel it's on my KIDS to have to deal with someone new in their lives. So, to me....and I probably need therapy to work this out... it's a matter of letting my kids live their lives as unencumbered as possible. And it's been working great - they make good grades, are involved in lots of activities, one just became and Eagle Scout and the other will be within a few months. I haven't pushed myself on her kids either - (and they certainly seem to be ok with that...they've been NONE too friendly). And that's fine by me because I don't feel the need to - I like being with their mother and I have kids of my own. I don't NEED her kids to feel validated. Again, maybe I'm really screwed up.

I am with you on the kids scenario. I would not involve mine whatsoever unless the relationship had been established and was headed to forever. I am dead set on that. I am just too protective that way.

Having said that, I don't think you are screwed up. We all have different boundaries, however, if you feel this way you should always be honest and upfront from the start with the ladies you date, so there's no ultimatums, etc.

All the best to you

The only thing I fault her for, is not having the self respect to bail on this 'relationship.'

I introduced them to the Borderline lady...and of course that ended badly. Here's the thing - if I was dating the Queen of England I wouldn't want her near my kids...I just don't feel it's on my KIDS to have to deal with someone new in their lives. So, to me....and I probably need therapy to work this out... it's a matter of letting my kids live their lives as unencumbered as possible. And it's been working great - they make good grades, are involved in lots of activities, one just became and Eagle Scout and the other will be within a few months. I haven't pushed myself on her kids either - (and they certainly seem to be ok with that...they've been NONE too friendly). And that's fine by me because I don't feel the need to - I like being with their mother and I have kids of my own. I don't NEED her kids to feel validated. Again, maybe I'm really screwed up.

I think that six months is a good time to introduce the kids. It is not like you have a revolving door.

This is not fair to someone you are dating seriously. Perhaps, you should not date anyone until you kids are adults.

I think that six months is a good time to introduce the kids. It is not like you have a revolving door.

 

This is not fair to someone you are dating seriously. Perhaps, you should not date anyone until you kids are adults.

Thanks again...I think I've got a clear picture of how you see things.

I think six months is too soon but two years is not soon enough. A year in seems fair... That's of course if the relationship is a good one and it looks like its going to last. Your relationship with this woman has been completely separate from your life which would make most women feel that you weren't 'all in' I suppose. You haven't been very happy with her by the sounds of things because you're not on the same page and you find her wanting you to be more involved to be a huge bother so I think its a good thing that you haven't introduced her to your kids.

One thing you should note though is that you can't be living a separate life from the one you're dating if you're going to keep seeing her for years on end. I suggest you keep things casual and date lots of women until you are actually ready (if ever) to meld your life with theirs. Trying to pin one lady down while you keep her at arms length is going to fail more times than not.

Call her on her ultimatum, wish her luck and live your separate life in peace.

To be fair, most women are going to be wondering why your lives are not more integrated after 2 years together, OP.

If you're not willing to entertain the idea of introducing a new woman to your kids unless you two planning to spend the rest of your lives together, for example, that's fine. But you would be better-matched to a woman who shares your view. This one doesn't.

While I don't agree with her delivery method in the form of an ultimatum, I can see why she's frustrated that your relationship doesn't appear to be progressing. Do your kids know you are dating someone, or she is a secret entirely?

If I'd been seeing someone for two years, and they weren't prepared to let me meet their kids because of a previous relationship with someone with a diagnosed mental health problem... I'd recognise that they were still carrying too much trauma to be available to anyone, and I'd wish them well before walking away from the relationship.

To say that people with BPD can be difficult is a bit of an understatement, and I've only ever worked with them professionally. You must have been through hell. However, there's nothing in your post to suggest that your current lady has a personality disorder, and it's a tragedy that you're excluding her from the most important aspects of your life because of the actions of someone who has nothing whatsoever to do with her. If this relationship doesn't work out, so be it - but if you want another relationship, then I do think it's important that you deal with the trauma from your previous one, or you'll find this will happen again and again. Although it's not intentional on your part, you're punishing her for someone else's sins.

It's natural that you're very protective, both for yourself and your children, but be careful that the barriers you erect to protect don't just end up isolating you.

There's a big irony, among the many thorns, at the heart of this relationship. Without all the qualities of hers that have long frustrated you—the pushing, the neediness—this never would have been a relationship. Start owning it from that angle—as opposed to pointing the finger straight at the easy target, the needy shrew—and you will be free.

Scarred from the BPD experience, you were closed off, emotionally unavailable, avoidant. But, alas, you were also human, and even the most walled-off humans want connection, sex, adoration, someone to watch Netflix with. And so in her you found what was the perfect match, or at least the only sort of match that would "work" for you in your head/heartspace: needy, pushy, gung-ho where you were gun-shy, doing the emotional lifting for two, insecure enough to stay around for years with someone who was never going to get off the fence.

Your mutual issues and baggage made a bowtie, in short, at the expense of your hearts.

No judgement there, rest assured. I did a version of this in my last big relationship—three years that, had I gone to therapy before, would have maybe been three months. Maybe, with more therapy than I've yet gotten under my belt, three very hot days. So it goes. Live and learn.

Sometimes we might seek a sort of emotional numbness out of romance, only to find ourselves so emotionally drained in all the wrong ways—a state, I think, that describes you both at this juncture—that we emerge ready to clean out the pipes so we can, you know, feel and be felt on the grand stage again. That's fancy talk for: therapy is great!

Past your wounds and guardedness I get the sense of a man who wants to feel more than you have in his relationship, and be seen and felt in ways that have probably been elusive for a good stretch. That you introduced your children to the BPD black hole shows, to some degree, that you wouldn't mind interweaving the fabric of your life with another's more than you have in this relationship—you just haven't found the right match. The one before was dangerous, and this one—well, just sounds, to put it simply, that you've never actually been into her and she's mis-wired to be into that.

Remove the issue of the kids, guess I'm saying, and you'd be in the same spot. You've been keeping her at the periphery of your life and heart since day one. Now it's day 1000. Time to make it day zero, for both of you, in your new lives apart so you can seek people that serve you better.

Most people get into a long-term relationship because they want to find their life partner. They want a “forever” person to be by their side through the ups and downs of life. Usually that path eventually leads to living together, maybe marriage, etc. It’s someone you walk side-by-side with through life.

What is it that YOU want from the relationship, OP? It’s not the above. You’ve thrown up roadblocks to that (ie: how could you ever live with someone or even really call them your life partner if they’ve never even met your kids?)

While I think it’s admirable that you want to protect your kids - I think you’ve taken things to the other extreme. If you talk to most kids of single parents, they WANT their parent to find someone to love and to be happy. Yes, you want to minimize the number of people they meet and form attachments to (because constantly breaking these attachments is detrimental to them) - but I don’t think that means you have to martyr yourself and simply not introduce them to ANYONE. It’s about striking a balance.

I think the woman you are dating is right. Several years together is MORE than reasonable to have this expectation. It’s time for you to make up your mind. Do you want to be her life partner? (You don’t have to marry right away but she wants to see - very reasonably - steps in that direction...). If that’s NOT what you want, it’s time to stop stringing her along and let her find someone who is looking for the same things.

Right now, frankly, you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. You want all the benefits of a relationship without integrating her into your life. That’s not fair.

It’s time to decide if this is a relationship that you want... but as others have pointed out - I think the only “unreasonable” part of her request is that she has let it go on this long... this is a conversation you should have had more than a year ago.

I haven't pushed myself on her kids either - (and they certainly seem to be ok with that...they've been NONE too friendly). And that's fine by me because I don't feel the need to - I like being with their mother and I have kids of my own. I don't NEED her kids to feel validated. Again, maybe I'm really screwed up.

Maybe they are "none too friendly" because that is how you treated them?

If I was dating someone & they treated my children as a hindrance or didnt give 2 hoots about them I would be gone.

Someone disrespecting my kids means they are disrespecting me.

How would you feel if someone treated your children like this?

It seems to me that you are looking for more of a FWB arrangement