16 years of a relationship, where to go from here?

I'll try to be brief, and save the details for any questions and comments below.

After many years of being together, living together for most of it , and buying property together ... She ended it.

The year leading up to this all we were constantly at each other , fighting about anything and everything. We had some days and even a two week period we lived separate.

At the end of last year we had a major fight, it go physical. Police and all involved. No injuries, but still was not good.

So she moved out to live with her parents. And since then we have been back and forth, but she was scared. (Understandable) we would still talk almost daily and eventually decided to seek out therapy. So we went and after the first session it was like she got so frustrated because we had to talk about the past she just shut down. I didn't even know if she was coming the second time. She did , and that's when I agreed to let her only contact me first for that following week.

The third session. She was very anxious at the start. And that was because she decided to end it. And not only the therapy. It was suggested we do a no contact for three months. So far only a week into it and she is already 'dating' a co-worker that was a friend she tried making last year and ended up blocking him because me and her were together last year and he wanted something serious.

It just blows my mind that she would open contact with him while me and her were going to therapy and as soon as we end things she jumps right to him.

In the end I would like to try again with her.

At this point we have gone to court and she dropped the charges the police put in place. At this time I returned a key to the house to her as during the fight it was lost.

She has stopped at the house and got her major items, clothes , shoes, dresser. She started she would do this when she found her own place, safe to assume she has.

She still has a lot of things at the house, clothes , jackets, small personal items, jewelry, etc.

She has not changed her address.

No contact has been made between us since February , and is still going on.

Only update I know of about her is that now she is loving this new guys posts on social media( just started recently), but cannot see beyond that as I am not mutual friends with him.

Personally I have been going to the gym constantly, going out with friends at least once a week, and keeping myself busy and fixing up the house still.

I have also enrolled and been going weekly to a abuse program , and also seeing my own therapist weekly.

Everyone tells me I'm doing the right things, but so e days it just seems like it might not be enough or just too late.

You need to sever all financial ties and sever the relationship completely. Get an attorney to figure out the joint property. Stay out of relationships. Stop drinking/using drugs. Stop beating women up. Sorry no tips on how to rope her back in to beat her up some more.

We agreed after the 3 months of no contact that we would talk about what to do with our assets.

Also I don't drink or do any drugs.

Beating women was not something that happened, all of our arguments would be verbal. Until this last major fight escalated to that point.

Gather up all of her things and put them in boxes. Tell her to change her address and give her a month's time or you will start tossing her mail in the trash.

Then cut her completely out of your life. It will help you to heal faster. Don't check her social media.

If they live in the USA this is a federal felony, regardless of time. However she could use that action (the USPS takes photographs of All first class mail) in addition to him beating her up to get him back in jail.

give her a month's time or you will start tossing her mail in the trash.

Gather up all of her things and put them in boxes. Tell her to change her address and give her a month's time or you will start tossing her mail in the trash.

 

Then cut her completely out of your life. It will help you to heal faster. Don't check her social media.

Ive placed most of her things in a separate room.

When she came and got her things she didn't say anything, taking the no contact serious I suppose.

I cannot contact her and tell her to change her address, we agreed to not talk during this period.

I place her mail in a bin on the porch she can get it there, and does every few weeks.

If I am wanting to get back together is telling her to do these things and being pushy to remove her from my life , is that really the best move?

If they live in the USA this is a federal felony, regardless of time. However she could use that action (the USPS takes photographs of All first class mail) in addition to him beating her up to get him back in jail.

I never went to jail?

She didn't even press the charges , and no physical marks were left on me or her. Is was pushing and shoving that occurred. And it was the officer that showed up that pressed the charges. She was very upset when she found out we had to go to court about it as she wanted to put it behind us and move on.

You were arrested by the law enforcement that showed up because she called the cops on you. Assault is a crime and it's their job to arrest you.

You were arrested by the law enforcement that showed up because she called the cops on you. Assault is a crime and it's their job to arrest you.

I wasn't arrested, not sure where you are getting that from. The charges were for harrassment, not assault. She didn't call the cops, her family did as they were on the other end of the phone with her when we were yelling at each other.

She's gone. There is nothing you can do to get her back directly. You can only work on making yourself a better person and hope she chooses to come back. In the end, you may not even want her back. I'm in a similar situation, without the abuse.

Sorry to hear about all this, but when she says it's over, won't work on the relationship, go to therapy, moved out, and dating another guy, it's over forever. Only in Hollywood do they get back together.

It will take some time to get over. But you can date other women.

I am sorry to hear this OP... 16 years is a long time. I was in your situation a few years ago, and had alot of fear of the relationship ending because we had been together for such a long time... and I thought marriage was supposed to be forever... it took me a long time to process the feelings around it. My relationship was volatile and neither of us were truly happy so in the end it was a blessing in disguise that it finally ended.

It sounds like you guys had a number of problems and while I think every relationship has challenges, when there is that much fighting and it escalates to the point of violence one has to wonder if it really needs to be that hard... looking back, my answer to that question now is definitely no. I think some relationships far exceed their expiry date because people are just afraid to let them go and to be alone.

Excellent her family is aware of the abuse and hopefully they will support her in getting out of a toxic abusive situation. Do what you need to to sever this and separate your belongings and jointly owned property.

She didn't call the cops, her family did as they were on the other end of the phone with her when we were yelling at each other.

Ask yourself truly why do you want to try again?

Truly, is it because you are afraid to be alone?

Are you afraid of change?

You can't stand her liking another guy?

I understand 16 years is a long time, however, by your own description the last year of your relationship was more fights than anything else. By your own admission your relationship got physical... it doesn't matter who shoved and pushed whom, that line was crossed...

You should really use this time of no contact to continue to work on yourself and reflect if this relationship is indeed salvageable, imo... no, it isn't.

Sometimes the solution is right in front of us, but we are not brave enough to see through it.

Ask yourself truly why do you want to try again?

 

Truly, is it because you are afraid to be alone?

Are you afraid of change?

You can't stand her liking another guy?

 

I understand 16 years is a long time, however, by your own description the last year of your relationship was more fights than anything else. By your own admission your relationship got physical... it doesn't matter who shoved and pushed whom, that line was crossed...

 

You should really use this time of no contact to continue to work on yourself and reflect if this relationship is indeed salvageable, imo... no, it isn't.

 

Sometimes the solution is right in front of us, but we are not brave enough to see through it.

For so long everything was good. Until both of us had suffer loses in our family. Work stress increased for both of us and we started at each other. If things didn't feel right and work out for so long I wouldn't even think about getting back.

I'm not afraid to be alone, I've been alone since our fight in December. And I know there are plenty of people out there. I'm not doubting I cannot find love somewhere else.

I am jealous of the other person, but who wouldn't be? I am not letting it change my view or attitude towards her , or how I feel.

I have been taking this time for myself, getting back into old hobbies, and doing things -I- want to do.

Also using this time to get help to correct my actions so that things will not get as bad as they did again. If that is with her or another relationship , I don't want to not be in control of my actions.

I don't have the ability to close the door on it yet. As I see it as this: if we both take this time to find ourselves again and be the people we once we're when we were both in love, then we have that chance of falling for each other again.

Only time will tell, and I'm prepared for any outcome that may happen.

For so long everything was good. Until both of us had suffer loses in our family. Work stress increased for both of us and we started at each other. If things didn't feel right and work out for so long I wouldn't even think about getting back.

 

I'm not afraid to be alone, I've been alone since our fight in December. And I know there are plenty of people out there. I'm not doubting I cannot find love somewhere else.

 

I am jealous of the other person, but who wouldn't be? I am not letting it change my view or attitude towards her , or how I feel.

 

 

I have been taking this time for myself, getting back into old hobbies, and doing things -I- want to do.

Also using this time to get help to correct my actions so that things will not get as bad as they did again. If that is with her or another relationship , I don't want to not be in control of my actions.

 

 

I don't have the ability to close the door on it yet. As I see it as this: if we both take this time to find ourselves again and be the people we once we're when we were both in love, then we have that chance of falling for each other again.

 

Only time will tell, and I'm prepared for any outcome that may happen.

Yes, all relationships have their ups and downs, however, just because things worked for that long, it doesn't mean they must work now again.

You've said that you may need to find yourselves again and the people you once were... How can you be the same person after all you have been through together?. I know for a fact that if there was an ex I would get back together with things would not work because I am not the same person I was once, and by that I mean to say that me, in the core changed, no, but how I view things, how I react to things, how I let things affect me, and that, has changed.

I think you need to start thinking about moving onto the next chapter of your life without her. I would continue with no contact. like I say you crossed a line that should never be crossed.

My guess is that she left breadcrumbs because she's scared of you. Her actions sound like a woman who is frightened and doing her best to extricate herself from a volatile relationship in a way that won't end in further violence.

She doesn't want to be with you. Take a hint and leave before she presses more charges.

My guess is that she left breadcrumbs because she's scared of you. Her actions sound like a woman who is frightened and doing her best to extricate herself from a volatile relationship in a way that won't end in further violence.

 

She doesn't want to be with you. Take a hint and leave before she presses more charges.

What breadcrumbs is she leaving and how do you see them as that?

It's not like we have been violent in the past and more than once.

Also again, where are people getting the idea she called the police or pressed charges? She wanted none of that to happen and was VERY upset it was escalated to that point by other people.