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Is he a sore loser or was I cold?


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I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over six years, he is been in my son’s life for the last five years.

 

Without giving away too much detail, he works in the arts and he submitted something that was accepted as a finalist in a festival in New York, we live on the West Coast. It was very short notice from the time he was accepted until the time the festival would happened, about one month. I had previously said I didn’t want to do any vacations or large expenditures over spring break, no big spending until the summer because we had had a lot of big financial thing as last year and I need a little break. However, I definitely want to be supportive of him, so I scraped it together and brought myself and my son to New York for a few days. We traveled separately from my boyfriend, both because he needed to be out here sooner to prepare, and because he does not like to fly.

 

As little bit of background, our relationship has not been great. We have not had sex in months, we argue quite a bit. Of course I know his side of the story would be different, but from my point of view, he is an extremely irritable, impatient, selfish person. He is sober and goes to AA meetings and he has really been trying to work on himself in the last year or so and has mad improvements. He still has the same impulses but he’s been able to step back from them and acted more loving and caring ways.

 

So we go to this festival where his show performs, and it was very good in my opinion. We were sure to give him lots of praise and support. However he did not win any awards. He was also featured in this same festival a couple years ago and won almost everything.

 

As usual he is not very social and he tends to get uptight around large groups of people, so we leave right away. As we are leaving he snaps at me and my son for trying to get a hat out of the backpack and he says can’t you do that while you’re walking, as he quickly walks around looking for the subway exit says he just wants to get out of there. I figured he was a little bummed, so I tried to let it go. However he keeps snapping at me as well as strangers. There was a guy who rudely bumped into him on the subway but he yelled that guy, calling him an a**hole. As we go from place to place his briskly walking at least 5 feet ahead of me and my son, and I can feel that he is full of rage. He gets irritated if we are slow, he gets irritated if he can’t find an exit. It really starts to wear on me.

 

I start going to a dark place in my mind, thinking about what a jerk he can be. I was asking myself why I am with the guy who feels hatred towards everyone and everything when things don’t go his way. I was watching some of the other people from the festival laughing and talking on the subway, and thinking that we could be doing that too if I wasn’t with such a cynical jerk. Of course these are destructive thoughts that don’t do anything to help me, but that’s where I was at that point.

 

So by the end of the evening I was really thinking negatively about him as a person and feeling really disappointed about how he could be behave so poorly just because he didn’t win. I know it’s disappointing, but he’s in his mid-30s, can he be nice to his family regardless of the outcome? So at the end of the night he tried to talk to me and he said he was feeling really sad and lonely that I wasn’t talking to him. He apologized for his behavior and admitted that he felt disappointed, but when I thanked him for apologizing and let him know that his behavior was making it harder for me to empathize with him, even though I certainly wanted to, he just got mad again.

 

I got frustrated because I feel like he was trying to turn it around on me. At that point I was just too mad and just thinking so badly of him as a person in general that it was really hard for me to comfort him when I felt like he was being an egomaniac

 

He left the hotel before me this morning and didn’t even say bye. I sent him a text saying I love you and have a safe trip but he did not respond. Was I in the wrong here, or am I right that I am with a pretty bad guy?

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Nope, you are most definitely not in the wrong here. He is acting like an entitled spoiled child. Do yourself a favor and stop wasting your time on such a pathetic loser. You have to put your first and judging by the anger issues this guy has, i would be concerned for both your safety. Something may really push him over the edge before long.

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"Without giving away too much detail,..."

- But the devil is in the details.

 

Was this a rebound relationship?

Does he work, earn and save for a shared future?

Was this his first time abusive, or has been off on abusive the entire relationship?

Was marriage ever discussed and are you both in agreement?

etc.

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He behaves poorly all the time, not just when he doesn't win. You've been blind for so long to his alcoholism/recovery, selfishness, abusiveness and infantilism that now you are trying to rationalize and minimize it as "sore loser" or "only a jerk when he's upset", etc.

 

He will not change. You can not fix him. He will not stop being a jerk. His brain, liver and erections may be fried from all the booze all those years. Stop treating him like a spoiled child and being his cheerleader. Being a doormat and mommying him won't fix him.

 

Stop being a martyr and victim.. Get out of this and stop exposing your son to this and start undoing the damage you created by having this petulant alcoholic in your son's life this long. It's amazing you are worried about this guy winning prizes and drag your son through this jerk's abuse.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over six years, he is been in my son’s life for the last five years.

 

 

he is an extremely irritable, impatient, selfish person. He is sober and goes to AA meetings

 

. As we are leaving he snaps at me and my son

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He is irritable, impatient, selfish, ex-alcoholic and impulsive. Ask yourself: Why are you still with him?

 

He has aggressive behavior, maybe a result of restraint syndrome. He snaps all the time and sometime for no sound reason. Don’t you feel that he is unreliable? Don’t you feel insecure in this relationship?

 

I think that you are right and that you continue to be with a completely unstable person.

 

If I were you I’d get out of this relationship quickly. There’s no need to keep toxic people in our lives.

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Honestly, I see issues from both sides, and perhaps a lack of good communication between you both.

 

As usual he is not very social and he tends to get uptight around large groups of people, so we leave right away. As we are leaving he snaps at me and my son for trying to get a hat out of the backpack and he says can’t you do that while you’re walking, as he quickly walks around looking for the subway exit says he just wants to get out of there. I figured he was a little bummed, so I tried to let it go. However he keeps snapping at me as well as strangers. There was a guy who rudely bumped into him on the subway but he yelled that guy, calling him an a**hole. As we go from place to place his briskly walking at least 5 feet ahead of me and my son, and I can feel that he is full of rage. He gets irritated if we are slow, he gets irritated if he can’t find an exit. It really starts to wear on me.

 

There are a fairly number of people who suffer from agrophobhia to some degree and it sounds like he is one of them. It is an anxiety disorder that can make people uncomfortable and irritable in public places where there are too many people around. Add to that he was feeling a little low due to lack of performance. It's nice of you to compare him to other people who can socialise and who likely do not get anxiety in public. Maybe you should leave him and monkey branch off to someone more suitable?

 

I start going to a dark place in my mind, thinking about what a jerk he can be. I was asking myself why I am with the guy who feels hatred towards everyone and everything when things don’t go his way. I was watching some of the other people from the festival laughing and talking on the subway, and thinking that we could be doing that too if I wasn’t with such a cynical jerk. Of course these are destructive thoughts that don’t do anything to help me, but that’s where I was at that point.

 

You seem very quick to go dark with him and begin seeing him as a jerk, as a pretty bad guy, as an egomaniac and a sore loser. How often do these destructive thoughts come up? Why are you with him if he sets you off?

 

So by the end of the evening I was really thinking negatively about him as a person and feeling really disappointed about how he could be behave so poorly just because he didn’t win. I know it’s disappointing, but he’s in his mid-30s, can he be nice to his family regardless of the outcome? So at the end of the night he tried to talk to me and he said he was feeling really sad and lonely that I wasn’t talking to him. He apologized for his behavior and admitted that he felt disappointed, but when I thanked him for apologizing and let him know that his behavior was making it harder for me to empathize with him, even though I certainly wanted to, he just got mad again.

So he apologised and you still could not let it go, you had to chastise him about how it made you feel? I had an old friend who used to say "a but is the beginning of an arguement". So, when you said thanks for apologising but... you are in effect cancelling the thanks and starting a new argument against him.

 

If you wish to stay together, then why not seek some couples counselling to try to better understand how you act around each other, and that is both of you.

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Honestly, I see issues from both sides, and perhaps a lack of good communication between you both.

 

 

 

There are a fairly number of people who suffer from agrophobhia to some degree and it sounds like he is one of them. It is an anxiety disorder that can make people uncomfortable and irritable in public places where there are too many people around. Add to that he was feeling a little low due to lack of performance. It's nice of you to compare him to other people who can socialise and who likely do not get anxiety in public. Maybe you should leave him and monkey branch off to someone more suitable?

 

 

 

You seem very quick to go dark with him and begin seeing him as a jerk, as a pretty bad guy, as an egomaniac and a sore loser. How often do these destructive thoughts come up? Why are you with him if he sets you off?

 

 

So he apologised and you still could not let it go, you had to chastise him about how it made you feel? I had an old friend who used to say "a but is the beginning of an arguement". So, when you said thanks for apologising but... you are in effect cancelling the thanks and starting a new argument against him.

 

If you wish to stay together, then why not seek some couples counselling to try to better understand how you act around each other, and that is both of you.

 

Why are you demonizing her? And why are you justifying his abusive behavior? She is well within her right to address his abusive behavior with him and express how it makes her feel. It's called communicating which is something only HE lacks. She supported him and did everything she could to be there for him and all she got in return is abuse. She has a child to look out for she would be better off getting well away from him for both the child's and her sake. The man is like a nasty bomb ready to go off at the slightest thing.

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Ugh.

 

I agree with the general consensus here, in particular Wiseman's post. Per usual, he has put things more bluntly and concisely than I can, but I think he's spot on.

 

I've been involved with my share of these types—perhaps because, like you, I have a natural ability to be understanding, a pretty thick skin, and perhaps a natural attraction to people who are "complicated." I can take a lot of blows before I really feel the bruising.

 

Still, this guy is a bruiser and you're being pummeled. There is no excuse for turning into a brat when you don't get your way—and, well, no excuse for anyone over the age of 10 to be bratty—but sadly it's how a lot of people operate. At the risk of generalizing, it's how a lot of addicts operate, since addiction often stems from a certain kind of narcissism, an ego-driven and ego-centric approach to living. All that propelled, as sounds like the case here, by a nuclear reactor of self-hated. Everything is about them, their problems are somehow bigger than others, sharper, more profound—it's the filter through which they view the world. It is a filter that has produced a lot of great art and compelling personalities. A lot of great art, of course, is produced by compelling a$$holes.

 

What I sense here is that, unwittingly, you've become an enabler to his brattiness. That's not pointing a finger at you, at all, but a very common dynamic, especially with addicts. They seek enablers. Sobriety doesn't always change this; in fact, it often exacerbates it. The sober addict can feel almost holy, since he has battled certain demons and won, losing sight of the fact that, well, everyone has demons and battles with demons and theirs are not actually any more special.

 

I suspect, but I may be wrong, that a version of what happened back at the hotel has played out numerous times throughout your relationship. The moment when he shows sudden self-awareness, followed by contrition. That's always the hook—the sparkle of awareness. Again, this is the stuff of AA, addiction recovery, and the thing that can make those in recovery, much like those in therapy, very appealing. They are incredibly aware, and have the language of awareness at their fingertips. But awareness is not the same as change—but just a step toward change, for some, or an excuse to avoid change, for others.

 

Your bf sounds like he has long shown you that he is in the latter camp, as he showed you by reverting back to his sour, true self moments after providing a flash of hope. It's been six years. You know who he is. This is who he is. That "dark place" in your mind is not actually dark—it's your mind shining light on these facts. Time to accept them, I think, so you can live lighter yourself and share your life with someone who doesn't pull you into his darkness.

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Why are you demonizing her? And why are you justifying his abusive behavior? She is well within her right to address his abusive behavior with him and express how it makes her feel. It's called communicating which is something only HE lacks. She supported him and did everything she could to be there for him and all she got in return is abuse. She has a child to look out for she would be better off getting well away from him for both the child's and her sake. The man is like a nasty bomb ready to go off at the slightest thing.

 

She said herself that there are two sides to every story. OP is painting a picture of a guy that is in her own words "a bad guy" "a jerk" "an extremely irritable, impatient, selfish person". This may be true to a degree but I bet she has her own communication issues in this relationship.

 

That all being said, given he has been in AA and sober for about a year my guess is that OP has had to deal with his alcoholism for as long as they have been together so it's really no wonder she is frustrated and angry and hurt. It takes a long time for people to change even after they get to recovery... sometimes multiple years... it's a huge amount of work and commitment... and there is no guarantee that they will become the person you want them to be. You are probably better of letting go of this relationship and all of the bad blood that has been created over the years to allow you both a fresh start.

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For anyone trying to pin things on the OP, the only communication issue she has is with not kicking this louse to the curb yesterday. I cannot believe she is exposing her son to this abuse. OP, your child was observing you being treated like dirt, watching you walking like a whipped dog 5 feet behind your master. THINK! What damage you are doing to your son by keeping this lousy poor excuse for a human being in your life. There are some posts that make me so angry I really need to step away from the keyboard. Wake up and stop being this pathetic doormat. Get away from this man today.

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For anyone trying to pin things on the OP, the only communication issue she has is with not kicking this louse to the curb yesterday. I cannot believe she is exposing her son to this abuse. OP, your child was observing you being treated like dirt, watching you walking like a whipped dog 5 feet behind your master. THINK! What damage you are doing to your son by keeping this lousy poor excuse for a human being in your life. There are some posts that make me so angry I really need to step away from the keyboard. Wake up and stop being this pathetic doormat. Get away from this man today.

 

Yup! I don't get it.

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He swore around your son (bad example!) in public and was just a bad example of a human being in general and you rewarded him with an 'I love you' in the morning? Of course he behaves badly around you. He can get away with it. Stop exposing your son to this person. If you're not thinking about yourself or how much less sex you're getting in this sexless relationship or how much you're not happy, think of your child and the kind of adults he is around, watching and learning to become more of. Please end this relationship as amicably as possible and raise your bar a little higher.

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Aside from this incident, is this normal/average behavior? Or is it the NYC/Metro environment playing up anxieties that cause him to act this way?

 

It sounds to me that this isn't his usual behavior, that yes maybe he's a jerk but not a rectal hole of this magnitude. I think this needs to be set aside for the moment until you all are home safe.

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Aside from this incident, is this normal/average behavior? Or is it the NYC/Metro environment playing up anxieties that cause him to act this way?

 

It sounds to me that this isn't his usual behavior, that yes maybe he's a jerk but not a rectal hole of this magnitude. I think this needs to be set aside for the moment until you all are home safe.

 

"As little bit of background, our relationship has not been great. We have not had sex in months, we argue quite a bit. Of course I know his side of the story would be different, but from my point of view, he is an extremely irritable, impatient, selfish person."

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For anyone trying to pin things on the OP, the only communication issue she has is with not kicking this louse to the curb yesterday. I cannot believe she is exposing her son to this abuse. OP, your child was observing you being treated like dirt, watching you walking like a whipped dog 5 feet behind your master. THINK! What damage you are doing to your son by keeping this lousy poor excuse for a human being in your life. There are some posts that make me so angry I really need to step away from the keyboard. Wake up and stop being this pathetic doormat. Get away from this man today.

 

This is spot on.

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That dark place you have regarding his behavior? it is called the truth of your life together.

 

So he didn't win prize. Give him a cookie, he'll feel better?

 

Meh!

 

Dump him as soon a you can. Stop paying for his petulant behavior. Let him support himself.

 

Move on!

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Unfortunately, the alcoholic behaviour doesn't necessarily stop when the alcoholic stops drinking - the self-centredness, the sense of entitlement and anger at a world which they are convinced is trying to deprive them. This seems to have been in full flow when he didn't receive the accolades to which he felt entitled. That said, a couple of the most wonderful people I have ever known were both sober alcoholics, but the difference between them and your guy is that they had really embraced the spiritual side of the programme, and had achieved real humility.

 

Do you attend Alanon meetings? If not, I'd very strongly suggest you do as this will clarify a lot of issues for you. I personally would wish this guy all the very best for the future - before running, not walking, to the nearest exit.

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