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Thread: Is he a sore loser or was I cold?

  1. #1

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    Is he a sore loser or was I cold?

    Iíve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over six years, he is been in my sonís life for the last five years.

    Without giving away too much detail, he works in the arts and he submitted something that was accepted as a finalist in a festival in New York, we live on the West Coast. It was very short notice from the time he was accepted until the time the festival would happened, about one month. I had previously said I didnít want to do any vacations or large expenditures over spring break, no big spending until the summer because we had had a lot of big financial thing as last year and I need a little break. However, I definitely want to be supportive of him, so I scraped it together and brought myself and my son to New York for a few days. We traveled separately from my boyfriend, both because he needed to be out here sooner to prepare, and because he does not like to fly.

    As little bit of background, our relationship has not been great. We have not had sex in months, we argue quite a bit. Of course I know his side of the story would be different, but from my point of view, he is an extremely irritable, impatient, selfish person. He is sober and goes to AA meetings and he has really been trying to work on himself in the last year or so and has mad improvements. He still has the same impulses but heís been able to step back from them and acted more loving and caring ways.

    So we go to this festival where his show performs, and it was very good in my opinion. We were sure to give him lots of praise and support. However he did not win any awards. He was also featured in this same festival a couple years ago and won almost everything.

    As usual he is not very social and he tends to get uptight around large groups of people, so we leave right away. As we are leaving he snaps at me and my son for trying to get a hat out of the backpack and he says canít you do that while youíre walking, as he quickly walks around looking for the subway exit says he just wants to get out of there. I figured he was a little bummed, so I tried to let it go. However he keeps snapping at me as well as strangers. There was a guy who rudely bumped into him on the subway but he yelled that guy, calling him an a**hole. As we go from place to place his briskly walking at least 5 feet ahead of me and my son, and I can feel that he is full of rage. He gets irritated if we are slow, he gets irritated if he canít find an exit. It really starts to wear on me.

    I start going to a dark place in my mind, thinking about what a jerk he can be. I was asking myself why I am with the guy who feels hatred towards everyone and everything when things donít go his way. I was watching some of the other people from the festival laughing and talking on the subway, and thinking that we could be doing that too if I wasnít with such a cynical jerk. Of course these are destructive thoughts that donít do anything to help me, but thatís where I was at that point.

    So by the end of the evening I was really thinking negatively about him as a person and feeling really disappointed about how he could be behave so poorly just because he didnít win. I know itís disappointing, but heís in his mid-30s, can he be nice to his family regardless of the outcome? So at the end of the night he tried to talk to me and he said he was feeling really sad and lonely that I wasnít talking to him. He apologized for his behavior and admitted that he felt disappointed, but when I thanked him for apologizing and let him know that his behavior was making it harder for me to empathize with him, even though I certainly wanted to, he just got mad again.

    I got frustrated because I feel like he was trying to turn it around on me. At that point I was just too mad and just thinking so badly of him as a person in general that it was really hard for me to comfort him when I felt like he was being an egomaniac

    He left the hotel before me this morning and didnít even say bye. I sent him a text saying I love you and have a safe trip but he did not respond. Was I in the wrong here, or am I right that I am with a pretty bad guy?

  2. #2
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    You are dating a child from my perspective.

  3. #3
    Nope, you are most definitely not in the wrong here. He is acting like an entitled spoiled child. Do yourself a favor and stop wasting your time on such a pathetic loser. You have to put your first and judging by the anger issues this guy has, i would be concerned for both your safety. Something may really push him over the edge before long.

  4. #4
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    "Without giving away too much detail,..."
    - But the devil is in the details.

    Was this a rebound relationship?
    Does he work, earn and save for a shared future?
    Was this his first time abusive, or has been off on abusive the entire relationship?
    Was marriage ever discussed and are you both in agreement?
    etc.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He behaves poorly all the time, not just when he doesn't win. You've been blind for so long to his alcoholism/recovery, selfishness, abusiveness and infantilism that now you are trying to rationalize and minimize it as "sore loser" or "only a jerk when he's upset", etc.

    He will not change. You can not fix him. He will not stop being a jerk. His brain, liver and erections may be fried from all the booze all those years. Stop treating him like a spoiled child and being his cheerleader. Being a doormat and mommying him won't fix him.

    Stop being a martyr and victim.. Get out of this and stop exposing your son to this and start undoing the damage you created by having this petulant alcoholic in your son's life this long. It's amazing you are worried about this guy winning prizes and drag your son through this jerk's abuse.
    Originally Posted by SkippyF
    Iíve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over six years, he is been in my sonís life for the last five years.


    he is an extremely irritable, impatient, selfish person. He is sober and goes to AA meetings

    . As we are leaving he snaps at me and my son

  7. #6
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    He is irritable, impatient, selfish, ex-alcoholic and impulsive. Ask yourself: Why are you still with him?

    He has aggressive behavior, maybe a result of restraint syndrome. He snaps all the time and sometime for no sound reason. Donít you feel that he is unreliable? Donít you feel insecure in this relationship?

    I think that you are right and that you continue to be with a completely unstable person.

    If I were you Iíd get out of this relationship quickly. Thereís no need to keep toxic people in our lives.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Honestly, I see issues from both sides, and perhaps a lack of good communication between you both.

    Originally Posted by SkippyF
    As usual he is not very social and he tends to get uptight around large groups of people, so we leave right away. As we are leaving he snaps at me and my son for trying to get a hat out of the backpack and he says canít you do that while youíre walking, as he quickly walks around looking for the subway exit says he just wants to get out of there. I figured he was a little bummed, so I tried to let it go. However he keeps snapping at me as well as strangers. There was a guy who rudely bumped into him on the subway but he yelled that guy, calling him an a**hole. As we go from place to place his briskly walking at least 5 feet ahead of me and my son, and I can feel that he is full of rage. He gets irritated if we are slow, he gets irritated if he canít find an exit. It really starts to wear on me.
    There are a fairly number of people who suffer from agrophobhia to some degree and it sounds like he is one of them. It is an anxiety disorder that can make people uncomfortable and irritable in public places where there are too many people around. Add to that he was feeling a little low due to lack of performance. It's nice of you to compare him to other people who can socialise and who likely do not get anxiety in public. Maybe you should leave him and monkey branch off to someone more suitable?

    I start going to a dark place in my mind, thinking about what a jerk he can be. I was asking myself why I am with the guy who feels hatred towards everyone and everything when things donít go his way. I was watching some of the other people from the festival laughing and talking on the subway, and thinking that we could be doing that too if I wasnít with such a cynical jerk. Of course these are destructive thoughts that donít do anything to help me, but thatís where I was at that point.
    You seem very quick to go dark with him and begin seeing him as a jerk, as a pretty bad guy, as an egomaniac and a sore loser. How often do these destructive thoughts come up? Why are you with him if he sets you off?

    So by the end of the evening I was really thinking negatively about him as a person and feeling really disappointed about how he could be behave so poorly just because he didnít win. I know itís disappointing, but heís in his mid-30s, can he be nice to his family regardless of the outcome? So at the end of the night he tried to talk to me and he said he was feeling really sad and lonely that I wasnít talking to him. He apologized for his behavior and admitted that he felt disappointed, but when I thanked him for apologizing and let him know that his behavior was making it harder for me to empathize with him, even though I certainly wanted to, he just got mad again.
    So he apologised and you still could not let it go, you had to chastise him about how it made you feel? I had an old friend who used to say "a but is the beginning of an arguement". So, when you said thanks for apologising but... you are in effect cancelling the thanks and starting a new argument against him.

    If you wish to stay together, then why not seek some couples counselling to try to better understand how you act around each other, and that is both of you.

  9. #8
    Originally Posted by Keyman
    Honestly, I see issues from both sides, and perhaps a lack of good communication between you both.



    There are a fairly number of people who suffer from agrophobhia to some degree and it sounds like he is one of them. It is an anxiety disorder that can make people uncomfortable and irritable in public places where there are too many people around. Add to that he was feeling a little low due to lack of performance. It's nice of you to compare him to other people who can socialise and who likely do not get anxiety in public. Maybe you should leave him and monkey branch off to someone more suitable?



    You seem very quick to go dark with him and begin seeing him as a jerk, as a pretty bad guy, as an egomaniac and a sore loser. How often do these destructive thoughts come up? Why are you with him if he sets you off?


    So he apologised and you still could not let it go, you had to chastise him about how it made you feel? I had an old friend who used to say "a but is the beginning of an arguement". So, when you said thanks for apologising but... you are in effect cancelling the thanks and starting a new argument against him.

    If you wish to stay together, then why not seek some couples counselling to try to better understand how you act around each other, and that is both of you.
    Why are you demonizing her? And why are you justifying his abusive behavior? She is well within her right to address his abusive behavior with him and express how it makes her feel. It's called communicating which is something only HE lacks. She supported him and did everything she could to be there for him and all she got in return is abuse. She has a child to look out for she would be better off getting well away from him for both the child's and her sake. The man is like a nasty bomb ready to go off at the slightest thing.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I don't think this is healthy for your son (and for you of course). This is not acceptable behaviour.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Oftentimes, people who were alcoholics have an underlying issue and were self medicating. He could have a narcissistic issue.

    Also, the lack of sex and increase in arguments suggest his love level has fallen.

    Therapy could help, if you can get him to go.

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