Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hi. Will try to be short.

 

* 3 year old relationship

* We have had lots of happy times

* I care about her VERY much

* She cares about me VERY much

* Bad communication in some points (especially that I was more slow than her on points like moving together and so on)

* She is anxious person

* I've realized now afterwards that i'm more of the avoidant type (= becuse of that poor communications at occasions of fight)

* I neglected her needs a bit

 

Our brake-up just happened. It was a fight, and we were separated for some days. When we later begun to get in touch again it was really bad. She has begun her journey moving on. I tried to meet up. Begged and pleeded. No response.

 

I later on send her a mail, where I told her what I wanted in my life. That I loved her. Could see a future with her. Loved her children and so on. She answered and stated she was thankful, and that she wished me the best. And also that she would like me to say "good bye to my parents".

 

Then no contact for 2-3 weeks (total 5 weeks since break-up). This time I've been reading alot of books. Trying to understand my attachment style. Listening to podcasts. Reading books. Forums. Understanding me. And begin the journey of becoming a better man. I have put in ALOT of energy into this. Try to understand why I have behaved / acted like I did. And how I can improve.

 

Then she reached out with a simple "how are you?" suddenly. And sadly for me a bit to early. We exchanged some text back and forth. In a fun / joking matter. And I asked her to catch up. She asked if that was a good idea. And as much as I understood deep down, that I wasn't ready, I said yes. Then she agreed to meet up as friends. We didn't set any direct plan.

 

Yesterday I was feeling anxious. I don't know why, but the "friend" part was not feeling good. I was afraid catching up as just friends, with that label on it. As I know I want more in future. But as today I just want to have fun, build trust and also just enjoying eachothers company. But I wasn't ready. Instead I sent her a text joking that "I would never see her ass as a friends ass, and that I always would see her as a friend, but also as a romance. And that I had hard time struggling with the label of friends". She answered directly, about the sex thing that she was a bit embarrassed in a fun way (but I know she understand deep down that this also was a bit of a joke). But she said that "now we can't see eachother at all, as it's no good as I have those feelings".

 

I don't know why I upset that much about the "friend" thing.

I should have known that I need to build trust slowly! I'm so regretful. I don't even expect anything more, even if I would want to self-improve more.

 

Ended up we speaking over phone. I phoned her (as I realized the SMS thing got out of control). I pretty much stated that I understand what I have done wrong in our past relationship. That i'm trying to work on myself. That I understood my faults now. And that i'm regretful for not trying harder "when we were". I stated that I needed to this for me, for not becoming in this situation in future again. I also stated that I understood her decision, and somehow that if she wouldn't have done the break-up, we would never have survived either, was even me have been struggling before. I said that I was sorry, trying to work on myself, but that I also saw her as a woman which I love, and would want to be with in the end, as I'm very attracted to her. I was very honest about everything. I think she never have heard me speak so much about my faults, and about feelings and I've never confirmed her as much as yesterday.

 

In the beginning of the conversation she has her guard very high up. I heard her voice was very upset, and she was a bit struggling over-voicing me. But in the end, she listened. And said that it was good for me now recognizing this, so that I could become a better version of me for the future, for the next woman.

 

But the reach-out was to early for me! I didn't have had the time yet to do all work!

 

I feel so sad today that I did break the NC period this much!

I don't want to play games. But i'm trying so hard becoming a better version of me!

And a reason I've done all this is to have the best chances when she would reach out. Instead I made a mess out of everything!

 

I one way I feel that it was a good talk, because I think she understand somehow that I've seen my faults. It's impossible to change in 1.5 month, but at least I've begun the journey. And also she my faults clearly. I love this woman so much, it feels crap. But this time I need to respect her boundaries so much more (but then I was, but when she reached out, then I failed!!).

 

Wondering how a woman is reading into all this.

I've neglected her in the past, so maybe isn't so much disaster as I think. Maybe just should continue the work of self-improving.

Heck!! Just feels like I put so much pressure on booth her and me yesterday. Now she never gonna meet.

 

I tried not to focus so much what I want, therefore I stayed back. But failed now yesterday, and instead only communicated somehow "what I wanted".

 

/Mr

Link to comment

She has made it more than clear that she does not want to be in a relationship with you, so you should accept this and make the NC permanent. Don't break it again because it'll undo everything you have done to try and move on. It will get easier to cope with in time, but don't ever expect her to change her mind.

Link to comment
You are right. But I was trying! But it's also hard when she did the reach out. Why did she do it already! It was to soon.

If she is done, why don't let me be for a while, until I'm at a better position.

 

She was trying to be friends. She doesn't want any bad blood between you. She then acknowledged that you cant be friends because of your feelings so she said goodbye.

Link to comment
She has begun her journey moving on

 

Do the same. Search for another woman that matches you better, that she meets your needs and wants.

Even if you get your ex back, your relationship will have the same problems and result in break up for the same reason.

 

This time I've been reading alot of books. Trying to understand my attachment style. Listening to podcasts. Reading books. Forums. Understanding me. And begin the journey of becoming a better man. I have put in ALOT of energy into this. Try to understand why I have behaved / acted like I did. And how I can improve.

 

That’s the best thing someone can do in his life. Don’t ever stop. Continue to grow.

Link to comment

Somehow I need to hear this, even if I also at the same time already knows this. I was so much longer in the process before she reached out.

Or at least I felt so. I was trying to become so distant so that I could met without "crack".

 

It sucks that I didn't notice her warnings before. And I still think that just small adjustments would have changed the entire situation. But you know, I really didn't see it as clearly as I do today. So at the same time, I at least wanted to fight for her as much as I could. But she has put her feelings deep down now. And I also understand her, she has stood by my side very long without me changing. And realizing things. She is wondering, "Why would he now?!". She can never properly give me more chances now.

 

In the future I will definitely be a lot more wide open for signals when things are not 100%. I messed up good times guys. I see it now, and it sucks.

In the long term this will do me a better person, but for now it's just hard.

 

And still sad, that she couldn't wait a little more than 1 month for the reach out. If she was so over me, why would she try to be friends that fast. Now I somehow lost her entirely. Before also me healed.

 

Thanks at least guys. I will try to get my together. Felt good to "write", as I needed this. Venting the feelings. Better to vent here, then to phone/sms her at least. Day by day!

Link to comment
Somehow I need to hear this, even if I also at the same time already knows this. I was so much longer in the process before she reached out.

Or at least I felt so. I was trying to become so distant so that I could met without "crack".

 

It sucks that I didn't notice her warnings before. And I still think that just small adjustments would have changed the entire situation. But you know, I really didn't see it as clearly as I do today. So at the same time, I at least wanted to fight for her as much as I could. But she has put her feelings deep down now. And I also understand her, she has stood by my side very long without me changing. And realizing things. She is wondering, "Why would he now?!". She can never properly give me more chances now.

 

In the future I will definitely be a lot more wide open for signals when things are not 100%. I messed up good times guys. I see it now, and it sucks.

In the long term this will do me a better person, but for now it's just hard.

 

And still sad, that she couldn't wait a little more than 1 month for the reach out. If she was so over me, why would she try to be friends that fast. Now I somehow lost her entirely. Before also me healed.

 

Thanks at least guys. I will try to get my together. Felt good to "write", as I needed this. Venting the feelings. Better to vent here, then to phone/sms her at least. Day by day!

 

It really does help to write things down. I do this, i write emails out that i never send but it makes me feel better.

 

From the things you say, it seems no amount of time would have mattered for her reach out. Even if it had been 6 months, it still would have thrown you back to where you started. It still would've reminded you of your feelings for her. Keep the NC permanent and let her go for good. Give yourself a chance to properly move forward with no set backs.

Link to comment

When did you break up ? What was the final straw ?

How did you neglect her?

Maybe you can try to step back and contact her after some time will pass. Maybe she will be open to another chance. I know it is hard. I am sorry you are going through this.

Link to comment

Thanks guys! Feel a bit better now then some hours ago. Will go up and down, the same way it did last time. But I've learned the process, and that I will come out of it also. With time.

 

The thing is that i'm disapointed that I acted so strongly against her words about "friendship". I don't know why I did that. Maybe a good thing, but I think maybe a to big outbreak also. I did go on my impulses to much, I should have waited with that sms. Don't go on compulsions like that. Reflect more so that I afterwards knew that it was the right thing. Now instead i'm unsure, because I didn't reflect in advance. Lol.

 

Gina:

1.) She has wanted to move together for two years now. I've said always "soon".

2.) She have wanted to discuss the children issue, where I neglected it a bit.

3.) She has wanted me to be a bit more cuddling / and appreciating.

 

4.)

 

I always have been a pretty structucral person. And she has much on her mind, as of different problems than just me. She has problems with her ex, and then because of that the kids. She hasn't been talking about it that much. I've listened to her a lot. But she has complaint that I give to "many advice", and she sometimes just wishes me to "listen". In the end I didn't know what to do, as me listening and telling wasn't good. I understand that she wanted me just to be around her, listening, cuddling, and so on. But that's not what I did. Instead I felt preasure as the things I did, listening, and giving advices wasn't good. At the same time, I had VERY much at work. My chef put much on me, and also customers. So during the worst period (when she had other problems)/late time in our relationship, I was up all days working pretty much. Just slept for 4-5 hours per day for three weeks. I didn't really talk about her, and her problems. I wasn't able to visit her. And I was totally focusing wrong. Didn't realize that at the moment, the momentum at work really took over. Was FED UP.

 

5.) I'm pretty much never angry. But when I get angry I have short lease. And get angry very fast. She was the same, but she has worked on her self. And done great actually.

 

The thing is that booth of us had problems in the begining of our relationship. Maybe she a bit more than me. But she have worked on her issues for my sake. But I have been comfortable with that "I don't need to change as she is worse". Stupied, I know.

 

Our final straw was a totally unnecessery out-break. Don't even remember what. She got her things and got home. We phoned me pretty directly, but as i'm avoidant (didn't even know that before!?) then I didn't answer so good. So when I instead reached her somedays later. Yes then she was pretty much over me. She had taken a decision. And from that point we never "was a couple" again. No one really break up. But after that fight, she stod ground that it was to much.

 

And I understand her. I have things to work on. And I'm working. And it still a pretty fashinating journey also. I'm sure I will become a better man. This was needed. But I somehow is angry that I lost her on the way.

Link to comment

She has somehow mentionally shut down as I wasn't listening when we were in the relationship. I think she doesn't see a future with me, as she thinks I can't change. I think somehow I realized things better now when I gained some distance. She has had so much going on in her life, it has been turbuent. So I have had hard recognizing my part of it. Maybe thought somehow that "it was problems in the bigger picture". I neglected my part of the problems somehow. Did hide under the fact that there was other problems, which was greater. Which wasn't because of me.

 

I don't really know. Trying to describe the feeling as good as I can. But i'm thankfull for asking, as all those quastions give me perspective somehow also.

Link to comment

One questions to you guys/girls. If she reaches out more times how do I handle it best? I want to get myself on my feet. Working my issues who I have. And truly understanding my faults, and recognizing what I have to work on my self. Also have time understanding her faults. And also to find out what I need from a potential partner. I need to distance my self from this a bit, and just having time/space to heal.

 

How do I say that respectfully to her in a good way? I don't want to be silence treating her if she reaches out, but I want her to understand that I need time (in a good way). Need to gain perspective and distance.

 

Because I need to understand what I really really want.

Link to comment
One questions to you guys/girls. If she reaches out more times how do I handle it best? I want to get myself on my feet. Working my issues who I have. And truly understanding my faults, and recognizing what I have to work on my self. Also have time understanding her faults. And also to find out what I need from a potential partner. I need to distance my self from this a bit, and just having time/space to heal.

 

How do I say that respectfully to her in a good way? I don't want to be silence treating her if she reaches out, but I want her to understand that I need time (in a good way). Need to gain perspective and distance.

 

Because I need to understand what I really really want.

 

I don't really think she'll contact you again tbh. There is a way to stop her reaching out and that's to block her on everything. That way you wont have to worry about her contacting you and you have all the time in the world to heal. You need to stop thinking about all this now and put it out of your mind. Nothing good comes from constantly dwelling on things.

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. Breakups suck. It seems you were coasting along and too complacent, failing to offer any concrete future. Clearly, you are reading a lot of those "get your ex back" sites and sadly believe all these contortions you are doing will work. She's done. Very often the case when there are years of a little too little, a little too late. The best she may offer is the friendzone.

 

Contrary to what the "get your ex back" scammers tell you, it's not your decision and not in your control, no matter how 'cool and fun and working on yourself' you are trying to impress her with. Keep in mind, she knows you... for years. The "had an epiphany" act never works. It's borne of the pain of the breakup and the hope to fix that pain by backpedaling back into the relationship.

Link to comment

Wiseman2:

I understand what you say. And you´re right in someway

 

It's not like she doesn't have anything in this at all. We both do. As I stated she has very much other things going on in her life, and those problems are the big issues. Me and her have had challenges, about certain things (that we didn't solve sadly). But we have been trying to solve those. Also the times when I have tried to get closer to her needs, she has backed of time to time. So isn't like I was like a "brick".

 

She has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ROCD. So when things also settles she can begin overthink if this is "right". And as things in life is very messy (and not only because of me) she also is over-thinking situations time to time.

 

I'm a guy with pretty good confident. Know my ground. But also knows my faults in this. I've neglected the communication. But it hasn't been a easy journey either. But she is full off love. And I love her.

 

When you live with a partner with those mental issues, you somehow must be prepared to "take these situations" when they come. At least for a limited time. Because I don't want to do ANYTHING which does her unsure of what I want in the short period. I want her to know what I at least want. I don't want her do have to think about it, and having anxiety about that. When you accept a partner with those issues you also have to prepared for journeys which is a bit different. It's a part of her somehow. Maybe she has taken the right decision, and then it's like that. But maybe she hasn't- maybe she is unsure. Maybe she needs time. I at least need time to find my self now!

 

So things is a bit complicated also.

I do NOT want to play games. That is exactly why I feel like I havn't playing games. I didn't do any form av games. I have said what I'm feeling all time. And also communicated by phone. And all time telling her what I feel. Honestly. From heart.

But now I myself must realize that this is final somehow. Accept this. And begging the journey moving on. But I won't send any signals that I don't want her in my life (=block). The way you tell me to block her is the game we are "speaking about". I don't want to do that. Especially since she has anxiety problems. And I love her, and her children. And I want her to stay strong. But I also need to think about ME. And I need time now. Time to heal.

 

I also understood my FAULTS in this. I also realized how I'm AS a person in total. In my family. Against other exes and so on. So therefore I realize that I have this journey working on. Small things. Because I accepted being in love with a woman who has these issues, but I was NOT prepared for it totally. I didn't do the small things about my personality which could do so much good. I didn't read about her illness so I was aware. I have my own sides which I need to work on. I need to understand ME. I need to understand her. I need to understand how it come to this point. I have to come to a conclusion what I need as a person. And I need to settle.

 

I'm not saying that I'm doing a journey for her. I'm doing it for me. A small thing which has done BIG DIFFRENCE for me, is that i'm not sending sms to my family anymore. Now I phone instead. That small change for example have done so much in my connection with my mother. Such a small change could do very much change in a relationship with her also. Becuse i'm very short at SMS for example (normal). But when communicating thrue phone, my family feel the connection more. This is just small steps, but it's not like I have been cold and totally distant before. But I understand that those small changes, and alot more, can DO ALOT in your relationship with the people you love. And I realize that we have been communicating in different ways. For example she often tries to discuss important things thrue text. But when I'm at work for example then i'm not in a position beeing able doing that. So then I was "short". Then she didn't mention it when we catch up. But again. Small thing! I should have taken up the discussion when we meet instead. I should have realized that it was not "finished".

 

It's not like i'm a total foul. But we havn't been able to find our communication in some areas. We could to so much better, with not so much more effort. We have solved MANY issues.

 

I truly understand what you mean. But the thing is that I asked a pretty easy question. If she reaches out, how can I prepare? What can I say when I want to communicate that I need time / space for my own. In a good way.

For me it will take some time to come out from this "lost". But I need to go the journey, and accepting that it will take time. But in the meantime I will try doing all things I can do, to solve the small things which not only she thinks I have problems with. For example even my family has mentioned things, so therefore it's things I should work on. But I didn't see it as clearly before. Sometimes you can see more clearly when you loose something and you MUST reflect.

Link to comment

Interesting this, it's like a journal of how the journey / feelings go. When the anxiety has gone away (not like it totally gone, but now much more rational). I can see that I took so much of the blame just one week ago. Sure thing I do have things to work on, but I took on myself pretty much ALL the blame. Even to her! Somehow I give her a reason afterwards, being correct in her decision breaking up with me. I have been a good partner, but hey I've had things to work on. And still do work on this mindset. But you are two in a relationship. If I would have worked on my faults, then I would have done things easier for her. But she also has stuff to work on. You should work as a team if you want to have a good relationship. Instead I see I took on myself so much of the blame, pretty much ALL.

 

Interesting that I took on myself ALL the blame like this. And what good did I think was going coming out of this? Telling her that by sms and stuff?

 

In the end I realize that I'm getting out of this as a person with another mindset. It's been tough! But I've learned so much from this experience. Sadly I couldn't learn/see this when we were inside the relationship. For me the communication part is one of the greatest things I'm realizing taking care of in a total other way in future.

 

Somehow was upset that the brake-up took place over text, after 3 years together. And that things changed so quick. Just some weeks earlier she was she one who pushed for future. Some weeks later she talked to me like "I should move on tomorrow". When she told me that stuff I felt like I never meant something to her. Wasn't ready for her just being that different in some weeks. OK to break up, but to say to the person also "To find someone else" directly.

 

Just want to say thanks to you all!

Week by week!

 

Anxiety is a killer ! Make you do very strange things! :smug:

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...