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Thread: Messed up

  1. #1
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    Messed up

    Hi. Will try to be short.

    * 3 year old relationship
    * We have had lots of happy times
    * I care about her VERY much
    * She cares about me VERY much
    * Bad communication in some points (especially that I was more slow than her on points like moving together and so on)
    * She is anxious person
    * I've realized now afterwards that i'm more of the avoidant type (= becuse of that poor communications at occasions of fight)
    * I neglected her needs a bit

    Our brake-up just happened. It was a fight, and we were separated for some days. When we later begun to get in touch again it was really bad. She has begun her journey moving on. I tried to meet up. Begged and pleeded. No response.

    I later on send her a mail, where I told her what I wanted in my life. That I loved her. Could see a future with her. Loved her children and so on. She answered and stated she was thankful, and that she wished me the best. And also that she would like me to say "good bye to my parents".

    Then no contact for 2-3 weeks (total 5 weeks since break-up). This time I've been reading alot of books. Trying to understand my attachment style. Listening to podcasts. Reading books. Forums. Understanding me. And begin the journey of becoming a better man. I have put in ALOT of energy into this. Try to understand why I have behaved / acted like I did. And how I can improve.

    Then she reached out with a simple "how are you?" suddenly. And sadly for me a bit to early. We exchanged some text back and forth. In a fun / joking matter. And I asked her to catch up. She asked if that was a good idea. And as much as I understood deep down, that I wasn't ready, I said yes. Then she agreed to meet up as friends. We didn't set any direct plan.

    Yesterday I was feeling anxious. I don't know why, but the "friend" part was not feeling good. I was afraid catching up as just friends, with that label on it. As I know I want more in future. But as today I just want to have fun, build trust and also just enjoying eachothers company. But I wasn't ready. Instead I sent her a text joking that "I would never see her ass as a friends ass, and that I always would see her as a friend, but also as a romance. And that I had hard time struggling with the label of friends". She answered directly, about the sex thing that she was a bit embarrassed in a fun way (but I know she understand deep down that this also was a bit of a joke). But she said that "now we can't see eachother at all, as it's no good as I have those feelings".

    I don't know why I upset that much about the "friend" thing.
    I should have known that I need to build trust slowly! I'm so regretful. I don't even expect anything more, even if I would want to self-improve more.

    Ended up we speaking over phone. I phoned her (as I realized the SMS thing got out of control). I pretty much stated that I understand what I have done wrong in our past relationship. That i'm trying to work on myself. That I understood my faults now. And that i'm regretful for not trying harder "when we were". I stated that I needed to this for me, for not becoming in this situation in future again. I also stated that I understood her decision, and somehow that if she wouldn't have done the break-up, we would never have survived either, was even me have been struggling before. I said that I was sorry, trying to work on myself, but that I also saw her as a woman which I love, and would want to be with in the end, as I'm very attracted to her. I was very honest about everything. I think she never have heard me speak so much about my faults, and about feelings and I've never confirmed her as much as yesterday.

    In the beginning of the conversation she has her guard very high up. I heard her voice was very upset, and she was a bit struggling over-voicing me. But in the end, she listened. And said that it was good for me now recognizing this, so that I could become a better version of me for the future, for the next woman.

    But the reach-out was to early for me! I didn't have had the time yet to do all work!

    I feel so sad today that I did break the NC period this much!
    I don't want to play games. But i'm trying so hard becoming a better version of me!
    And a reason I've done all this is to have the best chances when she would reach out. Instead I made a mess out of everything!

    I one way I feel that it was a good talk, because I think she understand somehow that I've seen my faults. It's impossible to change in 1.5 month, but at least I've begun the journey. And also she my faults clearly. I love this woman so much, it feels crap. But this time I need to respect her boundaries so much more (but then I was, but when she reached out, then I failed!!).

    Wondering how a woman is reading into all this.
    I've neglected her in the past, so maybe isn't so much disaster as I think. Maybe just should continue the work of self-improving.
    Heck!! Just feels like I put so much pressure on booth her and me yesterday. Now she never gonna meet.

    I tried not to focus so much what I want, therefore I stayed back. But failed now yesterday, and instead only communicated somehow "what I wanted".

    /Mr

  2. #2
    She has made it more than clear that she does not want to be in a relationship with you, so you should accept this and make the NC permanent. Don't break it again because it'll undo everything you have done to try and move on. It will get easier to cope with in time, but don't ever expect her to change her mind.

  3. #3
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    You are right. But I was trying! But it's also hard when she did the reach out. Why did she do it already! It was to soon.
    If she is done, why don't let me be for a while, until I'm at a better position.

  4. #4
    Originally Posted by krokillen
    You are right. But I was trying! But it's also hard when she did the reach out. Why did she do it already! It was to soon.
    If she is done, why don't let me be for a while, until I'm at a better position.
    She was trying to be friends. She doesn't want any bad blood between you. She then acknowledged that you cant be friends because of your feelings so she said goodbye.

  5.  

  6. #5
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    She has begun her journey moving on
    Do the same. Search for another woman that matches you better, that she meets your needs and wants.
    Even if you get your ex back, your relationship will have the same problems and result in break up for the same reason.

    This time I've been reading alot of books. Trying to understand my attachment style. Listening to podcasts. Reading books. Forums. Understanding me. And begin the journey of becoming a better man. I have put in ALOT of energy into this. Try to understand why I have behaved / acted like I did. And how I can improve.
    Thatís the best thing someone can do in his life. Donít ever stop. Continue to grow.

  7. #6
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    Somehow I need to hear this, even if I also at the same time already knows this. I was so much longer in the process before she reached out.
    Or at least I felt so. I was trying to become so distant so that I could met without "crack".

    It sucks that I didn't notice her warnings before. And I still think that just small adjustments would have changed the entire situation. But you know, I really didn't see it as clearly as I do today. So at the same time, I at least wanted to fight for her as much as I could. But she has put her feelings deep down now. And I also understand her, she has stood by my side very long without me changing. And realizing things. She is wondering, "Why would he now?!". She can never properly give me more chances now.

    In the future I will definitely be a lot more wide open for signals when things are not 100%. I messed up good times guys. I see it now, and it sucks.
    In the long term this will do me a better person, but for now it's just hard.

    And still sad, that she couldn't wait a little more than 1 month for the reach out. If she was so over me, why would she try to be friends that fast. Now I somehow lost her entirely. Before also me healed.

    Thanks at least guys. I will try to get my together. Felt good to "write", as I needed this. Venting the feelings. Better to vent here, then to phone/sms her at least. Day by day!

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by krokillen
    Somehow I need to hear this, even if I also at the same time already knows this. I was so much longer in the process before she reached out.
    Or at least I felt so. I was trying to become so distant so that I could met without "crack".

    It sucks that I didn't notice her warnings before. And I still think that just small adjustments would have changed the entire situation. But you know, I really didn't see it as clearly as I do today. So at the same time, I at least wanted to fight for her as much as I could. But she has put her feelings deep down now. And I also understand her, she has stood by my side very long without me changing. And realizing things. She is wondering, "Why would he now?!". She can never properly give me more chances now.

    In the future I will definitely be a lot more wide open for signals when things are not 100%. I messed up good times guys. I see it now, and it sucks.
    In the long term this will do me a better person, but for now it's just hard.

    And still sad, that she couldn't wait a little more than 1 month for the reach out. If she was so over me, why would she try to be friends that fast. Now I somehow lost her entirely. Before also me healed.

    Thanks at least guys. I will try to get my together. Felt good to "write", as I needed this. Venting the feelings. Better to vent here, then to phone/sms her at least. Day by day!
    It really does help to write things down. I do this, i write emails out that i never send but it makes me feel better.

    From the things you say, it seems no amount of time would have mattered for her reach out. Even if it had been 6 months, it still would have thrown you back to where you started. It still would've reminded you of your feelings for her. Keep the NC permanent and let her go for good. Give yourself a chance to properly move forward with no set backs.

  9. #8
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    People love to hold on after breakups. It gives you false hope doesn't it?

    Sorry about the breakup, but you have to move on with your life and date other women. If you can't date others it might be helpful to cut contact. You'll heal in time.

  10. #9

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    When did you break up ? What was the final straw ?
    How did you neglect her?
    Maybe you can try to step back and contact her after some time will pass. Maybe she will be open to another chance. I know it is hard. I am sorry you are going through this.

  11. #10
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    Thanks guys! Feel a bit better now then some hours ago. Will go up and down, the same way it did last time. But I've learned the process, and that I will come out of it also. With time.

    The thing is that i'm disapointed that I acted so strongly against her words about "friendship". I don't know why I did that. Maybe a good thing, but I think maybe a to big outbreak also. I did go on my impulses to much, I should have waited with that sms. Don't go on compulsions like that. Reflect more so that I afterwards knew that it was the right thing. Now instead i'm unsure, because I didn't reflect in advance. Lol.

    Gina:
    1.) She has wanted to move together for two years now. I've said always "soon".
    2.) She have wanted to discuss the children issue, where I neglected it a bit.
    3.) She has wanted me to be a bit more cuddling / and appreciating.

    4.)

    I always have been a pretty structucral person. And she has much on her mind, as of different problems than just me. She has problems with her ex, and then because of that the kids. She hasn't been talking about it that much. I've listened to her a lot. But she has complaint that I give to "many advice", and she sometimes just wishes me to "listen". In the end I didn't know what to do, as me listening and telling wasn't good. I understand that she wanted me just to be around her, listening, cuddling, and so on. But that's not what I did. Instead I felt preasure as the things I did, listening, and giving advices wasn't good. At the same time, I had VERY much at work. My chef put much on me, and also customers. So during the worst period (when she had other problems)/late time in our relationship, I was up all days working pretty much. Just slept for 4-5 hours per day for three weeks. I didn't really talk about her, and her problems. I wasn't able to visit her. And I was totally focusing wrong. Didn't realize that at the moment, the momentum at work really took over. Was FED UP.

    5.) I'm pretty much never angry. But when I get angry I have short lease. And get angry very fast. She was the same, but she has worked on her self. And done great actually.

    The thing is that booth of us had problems in the begining of our relationship. Maybe she a bit more than me. But she have worked on her issues for my sake. But I have been comfortable with that "I don't need to change as she is worse". Stupied, I know.

    Our final straw was a totally unnecessery out-break. Don't even remember what. She got her things and got home. We phoned me pretty directly, but as i'm avoidant (didn't even know that before!?) then I didn't answer so good. So when I instead reached her somedays later. Yes then she was pretty much over me. She had taken a decision. And from that point we never "was a couple" again. No one really break up. But after that fight, she stod ground that it was to much.

    And I understand her. I have things to work on. And I'm working. And it still a pretty fashinating journey also. I'm sure I will become a better man. This was needed. But I somehow is angry that I lost her on the way.

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