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Thread: Messed up

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Why would you have to 'build trust"?

  2. #12
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    She has somehow mentionally shut down as I wasn't listening when we were in the relationship. I think she doesn't see a future with me, as she thinks I can't change. I think somehow I realized things better now when I gained some distance. She has had so much going on in her life, it has been turbuent. So I have had hard recognizing my part of it. Maybe thought somehow that "it was problems in the bigger picture". I neglected my part of the problems somehow. Did hide under the fact that there was other problems, which was greater. Which wasn't because of me.

    I don't really know. Trying to describe the feeling as good as I can. But i'm thankfull for asking, as all those quastions give me perspective somehow also.

  3. #13
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    One questions to you guys/girls. If she reaches out more times how do I handle it best? I want to get myself on my feet. Working my issues who I have. And truly understanding my faults, and recognizing what I have to work on my self. Also have time understanding her faults. And also to find out what I need from a potential partner. I need to distance my self from this a bit, and just having time/space to heal.

    How do I say that respectfully to her in a good way? I don't want to be silence treating her if she reaches out, but I want her to understand that I need time (in a good way). Need to gain perspective and distance.

    Because I need to understand what I really really want.

  4. #14
    Originally Posted by krokillen
    One questions to you guys/girls. If she reaches out more times how do I handle it best? I want to get myself on my feet. Working my issues who I have. And truly understanding my faults, and recognizing what I have to work on my self. Also have time understanding her faults. And also to find out what I need from a potential partner. I need to distance my self from this a bit, and just having time/space to heal.

    How do I say that respectfully to her in a good way? I don't want to be silence treating her if she reaches out, but I want her to understand that I need time (in a good way). Need to gain perspective and distance.

    Because I need to understand what I really really want.
    I don't really think she'll contact you again tbh. There is a way to stop her reaching out and that's to block her on everything. That way you wont have to worry about her contacting you and you have all the time in the world to heal. You need to stop thinking about all this now and put it out of your mind. Nothing good comes from constantly dwelling on things.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Breakups suck. It seems you were coasting along and too complacent, failing to offer any concrete future. Clearly, you are reading a lot of those "get your ex back" sites and sadly believe all these contortions you are doing will work. She's done. Very often the case when there are years of a little too little, a little too late. The best she may offer is the friendzone.

    Contrary to what the "get your ex back" scammers tell you, it's not your decision and not in your control, no matter how 'cool and fun and working on yourself' you are trying to impress her with. Keep in mind, she knows you... for years. The "had an epiphany" act never works. It's borne of the pain of the breakup and the hope to fix that pain by backpedaling back into the relationship.

  7. #16
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    Wiseman2:
    I understand what you say. And you´re right in someway

    It's not like she doesn't have anything in this at all. We both do. As I stated she has very much other things going on in her life, and those problems are the big issues. Me and her have had challenges, about certain things (that we didn't solve sadly). But we have been trying to solve those. Also the times when I have tried to get closer to her needs, she has backed of time to time. So isn't like I was like a "brick".

    She has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ROCD. So when things also settles she can begin overthink if this is "right". And as things in life is very messy (and not only because of me) she also is over-thinking situations time to time.

    I'm a guy with pretty good confident. Know my ground. But also knows my faults in this. I've neglected the communication. But it hasn't been a easy journey either. But she is full off love. And I love her.

    When you live with a partner with those mental issues, you somehow must be prepared to "take these situations" when they come. At least for a limited time. Because I don't want to do ANYTHING which does her unsure of what I want in the short period. I want her to know what I at least want. I don't want her do have to think about it, and having anxiety about that. When you accept a partner with those issues you also have to prepared for journeys which is a bit different. It's a part of her somehow. Maybe she has taken the right decision, and then it's like that. But maybe she hasn't- maybe she is unsure. Maybe she needs time. I at least need time to find my self now!

    So things is a bit complicated also.
    I do NOT want to play games. That is exactly why I feel like I havn't playing games. I didn't do any form av games. I have said what I'm feeling all time. And also communicated by phone. And all time telling her what I feel. Honestly. From heart.
    But now I myself must realize that this is final somehow. Accept this. And begging the journey moving on. But I won't send any signals that I don't want her in my life (=block). The way you tell me to block her is the game we are "speaking about". I don't want to do that. Especially since she has anxiety problems. And I love her, and her children. And I want her to stay strong. But I also need to think about ME. And I need time now. Time to heal.

    I also understood my FAULTS in this. I also realized how I'm AS a person in total. In my family. Against other exes and so on. So therefore I realize that I have this journey working on. Small things. Because I accepted being in love with a woman who has these issues, but I was NOT prepared for it totally. I didn't do the small things about my personality which could do so much good. I didn't read about her illness so I was aware. I have my own sides which I need to work on. I need to understand ME. I need to understand her. I need to understand how it come to this point. I have to come to a conclusion what I need as a person. And I need to settle.

    I'm not saying that I'm doing a journey for her. I'm doing it for me. A small thing which has done BIG DIFFRENCE for me, is that i'm not sending sms to my family anymore. Now I phone instead. That small change for example have done so much in my connection with my mother. Such a small change could do very much change in a relationship with her also. Becuse i'm very short at SMS for example (normal). But when communicating thrue phone, my family feel the connection more. This is just small steps, but it's not like I have been cold and totally distant before. But I understand that those small changes, and alot more, can DO ALOT in your relationship with the people you love. And I realize that we have been communicating in different ways. For example she often tries to discuss important things thrue text. But when I'm at work for example then i'm not in a position beeing able doing that. So then I was "short". Then she didn't mention it when we catch up. But again. Small thing! I should have taken up the discussion when we meet instead. I should have realized that it was not "finished".

    It's not like i'm a total foul. But we havn't been able to find our communication in some areas. We could to so much better, with not so much more effort. We have solved MANY issues.

    I truly understand what you mean. But the thing is that I asked a pretty easy question. If she reaches out, how can I prepare? What can I say when I want to communicate that I need time / space for my own. In a good way.
    For me it will take some time to come out from this "lost". But I need to go the journey, and accepting that it will take time. But in the meantime I will try doing all things I can do, to solve the small things which not only she thinks I have problems with. For example even my family has mentioned things, so therefore it's things I should work on. But I didn't see it as clearly before. Sometimes you can see more clearly when you loose something and you MUST reflect.

  8. #17
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    Some hours later. Thanks for letting me vent! Feels better now again. Day for day!
    You are right in so many of your stuff. Just wanted to let you know. But better write here than some stupied sms ;)

  9. #18
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    Interesting this, it's like a journal of how the journey / feelings go. When the anxiety has gone away (not like it totally gone, but now much more rational). I can see that I took so much of the blame just one week ago. Sure thing I do have things to work on, but I took on myself pretty much ALL the blame. Even to her! Somehow I give her a reason afterwards, being correct in her decision breaking up with me. I have been a good partner, but hey I've had things to work on. And still do work on this mindset. But you are two in a relationship. If I would have worked on my faults, then I would have done things easier for her. But she also has stuff to work on. You should work as a team if you want to have a good relationship. Instead I see I took on myself so much of the blame, pretty much ALL.

    Interesting that I took on myself ALL the blame like this. And what good did I think was going coming out of this? Telling her that by sms and stuff?

    In the end I realize that I'm getting out of this as a person with another mindset. It's been tough! But I've learned so much from this experience. Sadly I couldn't learn/see this when we were inside the relationship. For me the communication part is one of the greatest things I'm realizing taking care of in a total other way in future.

    Somehow was upset that the brake-up took place over text, after 3 years together. And that things changed so quick. Just some weeks earlier she was she one who pushed for future. Some weeks later she talked to me like "I should move on tomorrow". When she told me that stuff I felt like I never meant something to her. Wasn't ready for her just being that different in some weeks. OK to break up, but to say to the person also "To find someone else" directly.

    Just want to say thanks to you all!
    Week by week!

    Anxiety is a killer ! Make you do very strange things!

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