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Thread: My partner wants to sleep at his female friend`s house

  1. #21
    Originally Posted by GINAKK
    Wiseman, always appreciate your comments that I see on here.
    Yes, I don't like the idea one bit but that is my issue and I cannot tell him that.
    I don't like the fact that he wants to stay overnight - this is for me wrong on every level.
    I don't trust him yet as I don't have enough data that I can. We getting to know one another. Yes, I was cheated on in a past. Yes, he was called as ladies man by our work colleague ( we met at work ). Yes, he is very charming, loves to flirt but I deeply hope that he wouldn't go further in such nasty , open way.
    You absolutely can tell him that you don't like it. You have to be honest in a relationship and not bottle everything up. Doing that will make things worse. You have every right to tell him that you are not comfortable with him visiting another woman. It's a very reasonable thing to feel and its most definitely not wrong. You say you dont trust him, so my question to you is why be in a relationship with no trust?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I actually donít think this has anything to do with trust.

    Based on your responses here OP, it sounds like you just donít like the intimacy of an overnight stay between your boyfriend and another woman. It doesnít seem like youíre worried about him cheating, you just donít want your boyfriend being in that situation, right? Which I find totally reasonable, I wouldnít like it either.

    I do believe you need to be honest about where you stand on the matter. If overnighters are not something you want to allow room for in your relationship, you are well within your rights to say so. I think the way you worded it would be fine. Just make it clear that your issue isnít that you think he would cheat, but just that, to you, overnight stays in and of themselmselves are inappropriate. Saying nothing will land you in a relationship where youíre forcing yourself to deal with situations that make you uncomfortable, leaving you insecure, possibly resentful.

    Speak your needs and boundaries. If heís as good of a man as you say he is, he will respect them.
    Last edited by indea08; 04-03-2019 at 08:43 AM.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I think if you've only been dating 5 months that it's too early to be telling him what to do and what you don't think he should be doing.

    I am trying to see it from his point of view and if this woman really is just a friend that he's worried about, then you really would be a thorn in his side with making it an ugly situation.

    If you think he's capable of sleeping around and cheating, why are you even with him?

    I think the fact that people have called him a "ladies man "has worried you and no doubt you have a right to be. That's not a name given out without good reason.

    I think what it comes down to is, he very well could be that type of man or he might just be seeing a friend. But you are dating someone that there is a slightly higher risk that he is a cheater, etc due to his past and you can't change that in him.

    You are basically going to have to sit yourself down and decide if you can handle the fact that he could potentially mess about on you one day and if you can trust him and not worry about it when situations like this come up, or if you can't or don't want to deal with it.

    But truth be told, you can't police him and he should be able to come and go as he pleases.
    Cause if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. You stopping him this time won't change that.

    Maybe you should re-evaluate if you want to be with someone like him and if you are truly willing to risk it or not.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I think if you've only been dating 5 months that it's too early to be telling him what to do and what you don't think he should be doing.

    I am trying to see it from his point of view and if this woman really is just a friend that he's worried about, then you really would be a thorn in his side with making it an ugly situation.

    If you think he's capable of sleeping around and cheating, why are you even with him?

    I think the fact that people have called him a "ladies man "has worried you and no doubt you have a right to be. That's not a name given out without good reason.

    I think what it comes down to is, he very well could be that type of man or he might just be seeing a friend. But you are dating someone that there is a slightly higher risk that he is a cheater, etc due to his past and you can't change that in him.

    You are basically going to have to sit yourself down and decide if you can handle the fact that he could potentially mess about on you one day and if you can trust him and not worry about it when situations like this come up, or if you can't or don't want to deal with it.

    But truth be told, you can't police him and he should be able to come and go as he pleases.
    Cause if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. You stopping him this time won't change that.

    Maybe you should re-evaluate if you want to be with someone like him and if you are truly willing to risk it or not.
    What in the world??

    -you canít tell him what to do.
    -you should be worried about him cheating on you.
    -decide for yourself if you want to risk it??

    Why not try some simple communication? Give the guy a chance to consider your feelings instead of just deciding to stay or go based on...what?? Other people saying heís a ladies man?? Good lord, if you canít tell the guy how you feel, why even be in a relationship?

    Itís never too early to communicate your boundaries. Saying you arenít okay with your boyfriends spending the night with ladies is not the same as saying ďno, you canít go because I said so.Ē

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It's true, she can't be policing another person.

    If she doesn't trust him then she needs to ask herself if it's even worth it to continue..after all, it's only 5 months in.

    She has heard that he's a ladies man, that's not a great nickname.

    But telling him to not sleep at his friends won't stop him from cheating if that's who he is.

  7. #26
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    Based on your responses here OP, it sounds like you just donít like the intimacy of an overnight stay between your boyfriend and another woman. It doesnít seem like youíre worried about him cheating, you just donít want your boyfriend being in that situation, right? Which I find totally reasonable, I wouldnít like it either.


    Finally, someone gets me.....that is exactly what I mean....the overnight thing makes me uncomfortable.....thank you Indea. I don't think this has got to do much with a trust. I don't get why would anyone create situation that can invite trouble into relationship.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I am still telling you the same thing...you don't like the overnight cause you think it might lead to him crawling into her bed.

    If you think he could possibly do that, why date him?

    You might stop him this time but if this is who he is, it will come up again. You can't start policing someone 5 months in.

    If you feel the need to, then something is wrong.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I know beyond a shadow of doubt that my husband would never cheat on me. I still would not be okay with his sleeping at some womanís house. Waking up in the morning, getting ready in her bathroom, relaxing over morning coffee, etc. Taking cheating completely off the table, itís still not okay to share that intimacy. Thatís how the OP feels. It has nothing to do with trust. It has to do with what she finds acceptable vs what he finds acceptable.

    Maybe heíll be totally fine with seeing your side of it and it wonít even be an issue? Give him that chance. And if he does make a fuss about it, then his boundaries donít align with yours and you can make decisions with that knowledge.

    Youíre not being unreasonable, OP. Speak your needs!

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I don't think this has got to do much with a trust. I don't get why would anyone create situation that can invite trouble into relationship.
    Yes, this is about trust. If his friend was a burly guy named Ralph, you'd have no problem with it.

    It's because this friend, has lady bits and you think he might want to get close to them.

    Again, if you think he could possibly be doing these things, then why are you with him?

    You can't be policing someone like this, it won't work and you will both end up miserable.

    You might be able to "communicate" or dictate to him why he can't be staying at his friends or why you don't like it, and think that you saved him from doing bad things, but you need to ask yourself why you have to be saying anything at all and why a 50 year old man needs to be told.

    Surely at 50 he knows better and if he doesn't by now and if he could be doing bad things, then honestly, find someone else.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He's 50...if he doesn't know better by now, he's never going to know better.

    I actually mean that, if this guy still needs to be told at this later stage in life how to behave and what's okay and what's not and what might hurt a woman etc...then he's not a guy you should be dating.

    I would say that a 20 something might have to be told as they are still learning, but at 50!?!...nah, if he doesn't know any better and if you're worried this early on in the relationship, it spells trouble.

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