I'm still interested in seeing where things go w/ him... Still too soon?

I had previously posted a thread about dating my ex's cousin. The general consensus was

I needed time & therapy after the end of my 7 yr. relationship. I have been attending therapy 1x a wk & feel I am seeing things clearer. My ex has tried contacting me using random numbers as he is blocked. I have no interest in reconciliation or friendship w/ him. However I still have a interest in seeing where things go w/ his cousin ( by marriage, they no longer speak). I have known him in a friendship capacity for 7yrs. He's the opposite of my ex, as in a genuinely nice stand up guy. He is also still interested in seeing where things go. My question is do you think it is still too soon? I feel I'm ready but as I got such great advice last time, I would like your opinions as a outside perspective is never a bad thing.

I have been in therapy on & off since my mother passed away when I was 8 & then for 5 of the last 9 yrs I went consistently. We touched on my dependance on always having a man in my life to "take care" of me so to speak.

You said that just this February. What advances have you made in your ability to be content as a single in only a month or so, *Never After*?

 

Have you discussed wanting to date this guy with your therapist? If so what does he/she say about it?

That's a very small pool you're fishing in. Is this a small town? Considering your ex seems hell-bent on contacting you and bordering on stalker-ish, I'd avoid the entire family. Why would you want to weigh yourself down like that? It seems your red flags aren't going off for some reason.

 

What does your therapist think?

Before going further, a q: how much have you been in contact with the cousin since pressing pause on the relationship?

 

Also curious what your therapist has said about this.

Even if it wasn't too soon, dating your ex of 7 year's cousin is just downright inappropriate. How would you even go to a family get together? I really think you need a lot more therapy before you're ready for the dating pool again.

I just don't think it's smart to date a long-term ex's family member, OP.

 

Do we really need to explain why?

I agree with the others. It's a terrible idea to get involved with a member of the ex's family. Doesn't matter if they don't speak, if the ex found out all hell could break loose. Family of an ex is a 'no go' area.

Also you admitted in a comment in your last post that you have abandonment and codependency issues. I feel you are still trying to cling to a rebound out of fear of being alone.

Why not trust that if you and the guy are a meant-to-be deal, your paths will cross once you've reached higher ground. A month or two after a breakup of a 7 year relationship is not against the law--it's just not smart.

Are you kidding me? Do you want to break up blood, cousins, a family? How do you know they won't reconcile or reconnect? Please, there are millions of single men - can you find another who is not a family member? There is a saying - bros before hos.

I had previously posted a thread about dating my ex's cousin. The general consensus was

I needed time & therapy after the end of my 7 yr. relationship. I have been attending therapy 1x a wk & feel I am seeing things clearer. My ex has tried contacting me using random numbers as he is blocked. I have no interest in reconciliation or friendship w/ him. However I still have a interest in seeing where things go w/ his cousin ( by marriage, they no longer speak). I have known him in a friendship capacity for 7yrs. He's the opposite of my ex, as in a genuinely nice stand up guy. He is also still interested in seeing where things go. My question is do you think it is still too soon? I feel I'm ready but as I got such great advice last time, I would like your opinions as a outside perspective is never a bad thing.

 

I could tell you that it's too soon, question your thought process around why on earth you would want to date his cousin and create a horribly awkward situation for yourself and his family, question the integrity of this cousin to even want to date you, point out that this will be a rebound relationship because human physiology doesn't actually allow us to get over long term relationships in 4 months... be honest with yourself, will any of what we say actually influence your decision? My guess is probably not.

 

The lure of regular sex always seems to overcome common sense.

The lure of regular sex always seems to overcome common sense.

 

I would add to this the lure of regular *forbidden* sex always seems to overcome common sense.

I don't see this ending well for the OP.

The lure of regular sex always seems to overcome common sense.

 

I would add to this the lure of regular *forbidden* sex always seems to overcome common sense.

I don't see this ending well for the OP.

 

And I would add to this that the lure of connection, stability, antidotes to boredom, and salves to voids often seem to overcome common sense.

 

I remember your earlier post very clearly, OP. That's because, in my own time line, I responded to it about five minutes ago. In those five minutes I understand you've done some therapy, taken a break from the cousin, and that's great. But since it's only been five minutes—and, real talk, when it comes to self-growth two months is five minutes—I can't help but think that you've been in the mindset that the "reward" for this self-work is going to be a relationship with the cousin.

 

That's a precarious spot, one that, to my mind, speaks to a need for more work and space. Not what you want to hear, I know. But I promise you there is a very real sweet spot in life where we are able to live on our own without longing for another, without seeing another as some kind of answer. The minute you taste that—for even a few weeks, ideally a few months—is the minute you're equipped to be in a healthy relationship.

 

Your last relationship, per your words, was not healthy. This cousin, per your words, is a 30 year old dude who did not want to be in a relationship until he worked out some life stuff. These are not the things that change in a few weeks time.