Meeting my ex in two days to talk about the break-up

My boyfriend broke up with me a week and a half ago, completely out of the blue. He requested space, which I agreed I would give him as long as he agreed to meet up with me to discuss the break up (which he did over the phone) as not two hours before he called, he was sending me long, heartfelt messages about how excited he was to see me.

After a week's worth of self reflection and a good dose of introspection, I have come to understand the reason he decided to end it - the problem is that the reason was based on a misunderstanding.

I am not good at judging the content of text messages, at all. My first relationship was an emotionally abusive, co-dependent one wherein two or three times a week, huge arguments would begin because of something I had sent in a message. I am a few years wiser than I was when I was dating this person, and I can see now that 9 times out of 10 I had not actually done anything that warranted the explosion. But I am so cautious over text messages now that I often misjudge what I can and cannot say.

In this situation, I had had a lot of family drama the week before the break up (e.g. my grandparents have both been given two years to live, my mum is really struggling with her work etc etc). I also have a history of depression and anxiety BUT I am doing really well at the moment - the events of the week knocked me. I was also advised by my mental health advisor at the hospital to come off my medication cold-turkey because I was having some horrible side effects. I followed this advice, and I think it really put me on edge - my anxiety skyrocketed and depressive moods began. My boyfriend noticed the change in my ood over text and asked about it. I said; "I am experiencing a lot of anxiety, its nothing you've done," and we agreed to talk about it when I saw him.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend also has a history of depression and whilst I see now that "we'll talk about it Sunday" would have worried him, at the time what I thought I was doing was keeping the "big things" (e.g. coming off my meds, issues at work, issues with mum, grandparents etc) to in-person discussion. Whilst I'm not too angry at myself because I know I was trying to be sensible, I'm also very disappointed that I haven't got the hang of it even now. He split with me because he was worried that this "relapse" was going to hurt us both & he wanted to end the relationship before that happened.

As I say in the title of this thread, I am seeing him on Thursday. I am really on edge. This is a person I really see a potential with. Because of the way he had been with me before this, I saw a rare, supportive connection between us. I don't want to miss that opportunity. I miss the potential we had together but also the ease he instilled in me - we had so much fun between us; cooking together, encouraging one another's hobbies, hundreds of inside jokes. There was no pressure or expectation with him, but we did so many lovely things for one another.

I don't know how to strike a balance between optimistic and so optimistic I am setting myself up for disappointment. I want him to see that I have now stabilised (my moods have returned to normal and all the weird side effects, including my pressure headaches, have gone, woo-hoo!) and I am in a place that would be great for the pair of us.

I'm worried he's scared because his last girlfriend was very abusive. He had expressed that he knew I was a different kind of girl, but I'm worried the change in me that week has swayed his perception of me. I'm also worried because of my previous two relationships, both were emotionally abusive and one I was lucky enough to get out of before it became physically abusive (I have since had police involved in this case) and this last relationship had helped me take a huge step - I have serious difficulty making decisions, even about the smallest of things, as a result of my illness (which I'm getting better with!!) and my past relationships. But I was SO sure about this. Not one disconcertment about it. Which is so rare for me. I can't help but feel that it was "meant to be".

If you have any advice as to how I can strike a balance with my optimism/doubt, how I should approach it with him... I would be grateful for anything you can offer.

As for anyone who commented on my earlier thread about this issue - thanks again. You guys really helped me wind back from the emotional rush that came with the first few days alone. It is because of the advice I received there that I was able to self reflect and work out what had been going on. Many thanks.

If he broke up with you over a text that wasn't an aggressive or malicious one (ie, confessing cheating, calling him abusive names), then the relationship was not on solid ground to begin with. I wouldn't honestly bother "discussing the breakup". WIth your history, dating a depressed man is the worst thing you can do for your own health. Meeting will only prolong the agony. I think that you should stay out of relationships for a bit until you do some more healing about your past abusive relationships so you can meet someone healthy instead of attracting more depressed or unbalanced people.

He didn't. He called me and gave me absolutely no reason aside from that in my post. It was a calm (but emotionally charged) call in whch he told me he loved me.

I need to meet with him because he broke up with me over a misunderstanding, granted one that would have warranted it had he been correct. I can't move on otherwise. I'm not prolonging the agony, I'm getting some much needed closure.

Confused, it sounds like you're speculating, you can't possibly know why he broke up with you until you talk and he tells you.

I know in your previous thread, many suggested it was because of the text saying "we'll talk this weekend" possibly spiking his anxiety and perhaps anticipating you would break up with him, but again that's all speculation.

Hear him out. Be open.

As I said in your previous thread, two people with mental issues is a a big struggle, it's a struggle with just one and I'm speaking from experience, having been diagnosed with bipolar 2 many years ago.

My bf and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs cause of my issues and somewhat changeable nature, I cannot imagine what life would be like if HE also struggled with anxiety, mood swings and depression, and frankly don't think I'd want to!

One thing I've come to believe, from my own experiences and those of my friends, is that no one breaks up with anyone "out of the blue." Yes, it can sometimes feel that way to one person, but to the other it tends to be the climax of thoughts and feelings that had been mounting for some time.

Another thing: It is very rare that someone can clearly articulate why they've decided to end a relationship, especially to the person they've broken up with. It's rarely a choice made scientifically, but kind of instinctually, sometimes for reasons they can't articulate for some time, if ever.

All this I say for a few reasons, but namely to push you to do the hardest thing in these situations, which is to accept that you have no control, that there is nothing you can do or say to make him think or feel something that he does not. It sucks. It's hard. But if you can become intimate with that fact of life, there is a certain freedom to be found. And, ultimately, a greater intimacy in connections with others.

I get the sense that you, like many in your situation, are kind of battling two competing narratives in your head: one in which you meet, untangle a misunderstanding, and continue toward the sunset together; another in which he provides closure. And, hey, maybe it goes one of those two ways. Often it doesn't. Personally, I think the notion that someone can provide another with closure is a myth. It comes from within, typically with time and space. Even hoping for it from another is, generally, hoping for the very opposite.

So, deep breaths. Meet up, listen to him, see where it goes—that's really all there is to do. Simple to say, harder to walk, I know.

Related

Just something to file away—not a fun one for the files, I know, but

I'm not sure how this would work with two people having mental health concerns. My husband is very different from me (let's just put it that way) and that's how we strike a balance. I have no depression or anxiety. In regards to my mental health... haha, I'm sure you'd have different takes on that one depending on who you ask. The only thing I can tell you is the same thing that I tell my husband: stop taking on the world on your shoulders and stop worrying so much over things that you cannot change.

You can't stop him from worrying about tiny things either. He's going to worry whether he likes to or not, whether he can control it or not. You can only do you and see if your positive influence affects him over time even if as a friend. Lose the 'on edge' vibe. I understand you're not on your regular medication. Try to surround yourself with different elements in your life that fuel your positivity and relax your mind. I think some people have the ability to absorb tremendous energy and they have no way of controlling that. Control what you absorb and learn to deflect on your own. You'll be just fine.

I haven't figured out the point of this talk. Are you trying to negotiate a peace treaty? Are you trying to set boundaries, rules, or stipulations to remain 'friends'? Are you going to try to explain or reason or bargain your view or try to clear up this misunderstanding? All you are doing is setting yourself up to be hurt even more. It sounds like you two have been talking about this already so what exactly do you plan to accomplish?

You are trying to go into this without pain or hurt. I am sure you want to minimize it by saying "we are broken up but we agreed to not see anyone" or something like that. I am sure you are going to try to negotiate something that you still have a chance because you see a future with him. Stop me when I lie.

So I think and this is my opinion, skip the talk and just accept that it is over. Now, Im not going to give you hope, but you must understand that it takes two to make any relationship work and right now, he is not into a relationship with you. Does this mean its over forever? No, but you cant wait around forever for him to make up his mind. If a man wants you, he will do whatever it takes to be with you. So please, don't be afraid to let go of this relationship. It will only open you up for others.

I know that you are thinking.... No way, this guy is crazy. Letting him go is the best thing you can do. If you are quietly thinking of pretending to be friends in hopes that he sees you like he saw you before, you will end up hurt. Just read other posts here expressing their pain when they find out their X is seeing someone.

Yeah, I know its way easier said than done. I know letting go of someone is not easy, I know its hard and its something you probably don't want to do. I get it, Ive done it and gotten the t-shirt, however it can be done. Letting him go allows him to see his life without you and if he misses you, he will find you. If he doesn't, then he moves on and you get your absolution. But again, you cant wait for him. You must move forward.

Good luck with whatever you choose. But really be honest with yourself on what you want.

First off bravo tool your progress.

Second this relationship is hindering your progress.

Look at how anxious you have become, your other account got banned but before it did yiubhas writtwn multiple posts all saying pretty much the same thing. I could feel your anxiety through the pages.

This is not conductive to your recovery.

He has set you back so much

Think seriously about all this.

OP, what are you going to do if you meet up with him and he still maintains that he doesn't want to date you anymore?

Firstly, you are just speculating everything and sugar coating it to make yourself feel better when you absolutely no idea why he split with you.

'He split with me because he was worried that this "relapse" was going to hurt us both & he wanted to end the relationship before that happened'

If this was actually the case, then no, he bailed when things looked a little tough rather than face it and support you. I agree with someone who said you should stay out of relationships for a while because you seem to be too emotional dependent on them.

Honestly, confused, as bluecastle has mentioned, a person doesn't simply break up with someone unexpectedly. Anyway, you didn't have a choice in the matter and nothing can be done about it. But what you can control is doing what's in your best interest so you keep progressing.

Use this opportunity to obtain some clarity by actively listening to him during the meeting. Also, how you make someone feel at the end of the day carries heaps of weight. Something worth considering as well.

Break ups seem gloomy at the time. From stable territory we are suddenly forced into uncharted waters. Gulp! In the beginning it seems that we're sinking, so we try to find anything to hold onto. Until one day we are swimming and it's actually quite enjoyable. Trust that in the long-term, irrespective of what happens when you meet your ex, you'll be okay.