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Thread: Friend's boyfriend is a serial cheater and I can't stand him... or her.

  1. #1
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    Friend's boyfriend is a serial cheater and I can't stand him... or her.

    I have been friends with K for years, and consider her my best friend. I know that she has trouble communicating, but lately I feel like I can't even be in the same room as her or her boyfriend.

    It started last year, when her boyfriend of 3 years grabbed my ass at a party. I swatted his hand away, and he did it again so I left. I felt so grossed out and betrayed because I had considered him a friend, and I never did anything to think I had led him on. It took me off guard, especially because it happened in a dark corner in the room and I felt very vulnerable. I felt so awful and uncomfortable because it felt so predatory, but I told K what happened a week later, after I had time to process it. She then told me that she saw him grab my ass, and thought he was going for a threesome. I told her I didn't like the way he treated me or her, but that I would respect her decision to stay with him because I believed it would be a one time thing. I asked her, as a favor to me, to talk to him about it though. I didn't feel comfortable around him after what he did, and I told her I wanted her to ask him what he was thinking, and not to do it again. I had never experienced anything like this, and in hindsight I regret not standing up to him in person.

    So K never talked to him about it. Last weekend we were at a bar with friends, and after I went home, K's boyfriend started groping a very drunk friend, and she ended up crashing on K and her boyfriend's couch. K had confronted him, and apparently very tearfully told him how upset she was when she saw him groping their drunk friend. K's boyfriend left their bedroom, and went to sleep on the couch with the drunk friend, and apparently "tried something." Neither K or I know what he tried, but the drunk friend messaged K the next day, asking if she was in an open relationship, and that K's boyfriend tried something sexual with her on the couch that night.

    K was really upset, and eventually confronted her boyfriend again, who said he didn't remember doing anything and he never thought of it. Then she told him she knew about what he had tried with me, and apparently he started crying. K decided that his crying showed he was remorseful, and believed him when he said he would never try anything again.

    However, I am pissed. When I found out that he cheated on her again, and that she had never talked to him about what he did to me, I felt betrayed. This whole thing could've been prevented if she had just listened to me. I can't believe she believed his story about not knowing he was doing anything wrong, and that she wants to stay with this guy who has molested her friends multiple times. I don't know if I feel justified being upset, because it's not like I confronted him after what he did to me. But K is my best friend, and I feel like she should've done more, especially since she saw her boyfriend groping me at the party, and saw how uncomfortable it made me. The other day she told me that she knows I'm upset with him, and that if I want to she would understand if I yelled at him, and that she hopes that if I confront him then maybe he would tell me why he kept groping her friends. It's like she is too afraid to lose him by confronting him herself, and she is putting me in the position of putting him in his place? It's not my responsibility to navigate her boyfriend's cheating, and I resent her for putting me in this position. I realize she has communication issues, but this is too much. I don't even want to see her anymore and the thought of the two of them makes me sick. I was willing to go along with her hopes that his groping me was a one time thing because I wanted her to be happy but now I feel like they have both crossed a line. He is clearly disrespectful of women, and she clearly doesn't mind throwing her friends under the bus to make their relationship work.

    I'm scared I'm being irrational though. Do people have an obligation to confront their own SO's after they grope their friends? Am I expecting too much from my friend? I am interested in what other people think of this situation.

    Summary: Friend's boyfriend gropes me, I tell her and she doesn't do anything about it. He gropes another friend and she is upset, but decides to overlook it again. I am upset because I feel like she doesn't care how his behavior affects her friends, and resentful because she hopes I interrogate him about his behavior instead of talking to him herself.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I really donít know if itís right or wrong, but Iím a very direct person so Iíd probably have a go at him the next time he crosses the line, which seems inevitable.

    You really canít control your friend or make her stand up to him, but you can absolutely stand up for yourself and for those who are too drunk to defend themselves.

    Honestly, when I saw him groping a very drunk girl, I wouldíve made a scene so big heíd be embarrassed to show his face around those people again. What a scumbag.

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    Honestly, I thought I was a confrontational person until he groped me. I felt so vulnerable and scared, it really surprised me. I never expected to feel this way :/

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    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    You have no control over what other people do and as much as she is your bf, you can't make her see what you see.

    You, however, have control over your own actions and decisions. I understand being caught off guard when a guy crosses the line. I've been there... But now you know, if you decide to be around them again you can now put him in his place. No one has the right to touch you without consent.

    Your friend is in for a heartbreak, that's for sure. But she isn't your problem, you can calmly let her know your opinion of him, but you need to let her be ... and guess what?? be there for her for when it actually ends, because that's what friends are for.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    This is where you distance yourself from her. Whatever the trouble is between her and her BF is none of your business to get involved in. She's an adult, she will have to handle this on her own. For now butt out, and stop hanging around with her. Go make new friends or hang out with someone else.

  7. #6
    If that's how they want to deal with their relationship then let them get on with it. If you can't stand them walk away from them forever. It's not your place to get involved in their relationship issues. That's their business. Move on from it because it's no longer your problem. Don't get involved.

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    "I don't like that your boyfriend grabbed me and you made an excuse for it (he was going for a threesome) or that he assualted a drunk friend on the couch. I can't control who you date, but don't feel safe around him. So as long as you date him, i won't be going out with the two of you as a couple." That way, if she wants to see you, she has to do it alone. It may be very telling whether she continues the friendship or fades away because she requires her boyfriend to be around always. Its in her court. you are not ending your friendship. it might be on hold until she dumps the guy - or you may continue the friendship with firm boundaries in place (he is dating her but not around because you don't allow it!)

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    Thanks guys, you have really helped me see things more clearly. I think some personal boundaries are in order, but I'll be there for her if she needs me.

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    I think I got caught up because he groped me, so I felt like it was sort of my business. But at this point, it doesn't matter, I definitely need some space from the both of them and I'll be there if she needs me.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You can control your own actions. Don't go out with them anymore. I hardly think your absence would put a dent in their inebriated stupor.

    A friend is a friend is a friend. When she's undrunk and ready to treat you like a friend, go see a movie together (just the two of you) or go shopping or play a round of golf. Don't put yourself in situations where certain outcomes have proven themselves and continue to expect a different outcome! That is just insanity.

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