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Thread: Husband walked out on me

  1. #1

    Husband walked out on me

    A little background- husband is 34 I am 28. We have been together for five years, married for 2 this coming Thursday (sigh). We have two small children together ages 3 and 10 months old. Husband has 3 children from a previous marriage where they were together for 10 years before he left her. He and I started dating pretty soon after he left his ex. He had no intentions on returning to her. He said he was miserable and wanted kill himself being with her. He moved in with me about a month after we started dating. He professed that he loved me very early into the relationship and said the first day he saw me he knew he was going to marry me. His ex became difficult with allowing him to see his 3 kids. He became more and more depressed and unstable but we continued our relationship. Fast forward a year and things started getting better regarding his kids. His ex becomes less difficult and moves on.

    In 2015 we tried for a baby and she was born in 2016. He did not really want anymore children but knew that I could not live without having children of my own. We had our ups and downs, arguments like any couple. Husband still battled his depression. He came from a broken family, was abused as a child, his mother did hard drugs while pregnant with him, his father was never in his life very much although he comes around sometimes now. His grandma and grandpa raised him until they died when he was 13, then he was on his own. He has severe mental health issues and I’ve tried supporting him to get help. He has gotten on meds but I do not believe they are enough for him. He needs to see a psychiatrist which he has been dragging his feet to do.

    2017 we got married. We both cried at the wedding. We loved each other.

    2018 we had our second daughter. Still continued to have good and bad days together. I have issues of my own involving jealousy due to a bad relationship with an ex that mentally abused me for 4 years. I had left that abusive relationship to be with my now husband. I was very controlling of my husband, I admit, mostly over money because my husband is not good at saving and tends to buy on a whim. I am the opposite. I need help with trying to control him. I just made an appointment with a psychologist to get help.

    Anyway husband has never left me before throughout the 5 years, although there were times I thought we would separate. We had a huge argument 5 days ago while he was at work through text. He didn’t come home that night. He told me he is staying with his friend and his friends wife and child. I begged him to come home. I went crazy. I felt like he was dying. We had never spent a whole day away from each other. He has never not come home. I was devestated. I continued to beg for 2 more days but he told me to stop that it was making him mad. He continued to stay with his friend. He also has started to drink a few times a week. We have not talked about our relationship or where it is going. I have not seen him and we have barely spoken. I did not contact him at all for over a day and he texted me asking if I needed him to watch the kids tomorrow because he knows I hve to work. I said yes then left him alone. This morning I panicked and asked if he was having an affair. He said no. I sent him a video of our 10 month old trying to stand up and asked him to please be here by 6am tomorrow. He said ok. He is being so cold and distant, I know I need to just leave him alone. I know I need to go no contact but how can I when we have small children? Tomorrow will be the first time he’s seen them since he left. He told me hes dying inside not seeing them but his actions say otherwise. I am at a loss on what to do.

    We are still sharing money. He pays the bills and I work part time but mostly stay home with the kids. I’m afraid he is going to abandon me with no money but so far he has not. He already pays child support for his 3 other children and knows that I will file ASAP if he does leave us with no support. What do I do? I miss him terribly. Im trying to work on myself and control my emotions. I am going to see a psychologist. Any advice? I do not have proof that he is having an affair.

    Also all of his stuff is still here at home. Hes been buying clothes for himself instead of coming to get his things. Im sure hell probably take some stuff with him tomorrow if he watches the kids.

    A few days ago we did talk on the phone for an hour. I asked if he would be open to sending the kids to my moms house so we can go out and try to reconnect. I admit that I havent given him as much appreciation or showed him I loved him as much recently because i'm so busy and stressed with the kids and hes always working. He said yeah maybe to that idea but that hasnt happened. He also told me that he feels like I dont care for him like i did in the beginning of our relationship. Him leaving has opened my eyes to how much I really love him and im praying that he will give me a second chance to show him.

  2. #2
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sorry but if you don't take action he will mess you up. You can call the police and have him charged for abandonment if you want to get sticky about it. Also I would suggest you get a lawyer. At this point he is unpredictable. You need to protect yourself and your children FIRST. You can go after him for partial alimony and full child support...if he doesn't pay, he goes to jail. You have rights, so I urge you to contact a lawyer. He's in a mental tailspin that you can't control, that's the reality...

  3. #3
    thanks. i just told him nevermind about watching the kids. i called off work but he does not know that. I said let me know if you want to see or talk to them at some point. I also asked are you going to come get your things?

    im done sitting in limbo. that hurts worse than not knowing. so i guess it's over.

  4. #4
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    I would say that this relationship was shakey out of the gate and when you hang on to something like that, eventually it breaks. Honestly, this had all the warning signs in the beginning, and moving in at the one month mark speaks of desperation - that you were going to take this guy who was no good for you without even knowing him.

    In 2015 we tried for a baby and she was born in 2016. He did not really want anymore children but knew that I could not live without having children of my own.

    how selfish. I mean, you could have met another man. You could have waited until you had decided that he was the man you wanted to marry (because if you hadn't tried for a baby, you could have realized he wasn't it) .

    I would not have him watch the kids. I would take them to your mother's house. What if he takes the children with him and leaves? See an attorney - don't call the police as in calling 911- they don't get involved in non-violent domestic situations. I would find out from a lawyer or officer how much time passes to be abandonment. I doubt its 5 days - he was communicating with you. I would not put any more money in the bank account - hold it out and see if a lawyer will talk to you. If he doesn't come home in a 10 days, i would consider moving in with your parents temporarily so he can't simply come and take the kids

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  6. #5
    Member Never after's Avatar
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    See a lawyer & protect yourself. Do you really want a man who can/will just walk out on you & 2 young children? My ex husband did that, he didn't want the responsibility that came w/ a family. Not saying your situation is the same but why not try counselling first? His default is to walk when things get hard, marriage is for better or worse. Also do you believe he is really staying w/ a friend or is he staying w/ a "friend"? I wouldn't be so quick to take him at his word if I were you.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd urge you to be upfront with your boss and not skive off on your shifts anymore if you can help it. Come clean and tell your employer that you are in the midst of a separation and take authorized time (request time off) if you have to in order to get a few basic things sorted with the kids and making sure that they are taken care of while you have to work. Yes, see a lawyer but first be more honest with your employer about what is going on. If you don't speak up, they may think that you're calling in sick for no other reason than you just didn't feel like coming into work. If you've already been honest with them and are taking leave for a few days or this week to work things out, good for you.

    Once you've got things somewhat organized, start with the rest of it piecing your life back together. You don't have to live in anger, fear, shame or in denial anymore. Life is yours for the taking. Start living it the way you want to live it with your kids and don't mourn over spilled milk. You do need to pull yourself together for your kids. You can do it.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by summermoe
    He and I started dating pretty soon after he left his ex. He had no intentions on returning to her. He said he was miserable and wanted kill himself being with her. He moved in with me about a MONTH after we started dating. He professed that he loved me very early into the relationship and said the first day he saw me he knew he was going to marry me.
    My guess he's repeating this routine with his ex or a new women.

    Now it's your turn to stop repeating your routines.
    Never again allow yourself to be rushed into a relationship/marriage with just words.

  9. #8
    Wow, you both steam rolled into everything so fast without actually getting to know each other properly. You are so bad for each other but never took the time to find that out. You treat each other badly imo and it seems like he has resentment for you forcing him into things like having children when he didn't want to. He's already paying for three and you pushed another two on him. No wonder he had to get away. You said you are controlling and jealous, major deal breaker right there. You both have such big problems and are so incompatible. I suggest you get a lawyer and start dividing assets.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop grovelling and begging. See an attorney immediately. Even if you do not divorce at this time, you need to know your options and his/your responsibilities regarding money, bills, child custody and child support..
    Originally Posted by summermoe
    Him leaving has opened my eyes to how much I really love him and im praying that he will give me a second chance to show him.


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