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Thread: Would like several opinions regarding my issue.

  1. #1
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    Would like several opinions regarding my issue.

    Im 40 yrs old, been with my fiance for about 8yrs now. He has 9yr boy that his mom has only allowed him to meet and visit with in this past year. She never did give reason from keeping him from his dad. He always paid child support. And stayed in touch with her. The boy was allowed to stay with us this past summer. (Mom and child out of state.) He had bad behavior issues and ADHD. When it was time for him to go home it only lasted 1 week and his mom called saying for us to come get him, cause she cant handle behavior anymore. So he now in school here and living with us. She gave my fiance temporary emergency custody so we can enroll him in school, go to docors,etc.. my fiance finally convinced his mom to move back here where we all live. (Our state is also her original birthplace where everyone lives.) But his boy was born in the other state. But now the mom is saying she wants the child back and wants to move back "home" she practically just got here. Now my fiance is planning to get legal advice to see his options if there any. Now with the legalaties aside, in the event she continues ahead with this move and he cant stop it, he is contomplaining moving there as well cause he wants to be near his boy. So my question is this; What should i do about this r.ship? The thought of him devastates me, been together 8yrs, built a life together. Im not in position to move out of state, and im very close to my mom who is gonna need me more as times go on. He doesnt even want to move there,but feels stuck. The reason this woman wants to move is that the boys grandmother(which is her mom) says she wants to go after her for grandparent visitation. I guess she says her mom is manipulative,etcc. She told us that the boy is NOT allowed to see her so we have to respect that

  2. #2
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Firstly, I'd never get involved with someone who had a child if I weren't willing to accept the reality that someday, whether tomorrow or 8 years from now, they'd take the opportunity to relocate closer to that child to be a regular part of their lives. In fact, I'd be banking on it. I don't know the guy's reality well enough to judge him for these first 8 years being away from the child, but he seems to have his head and heart in the right place now.

    As far as custody and his standing in denying the grandparents visitation, these are all matters he needs to explore in detail with his attorney. States differ, especially with regard to how "reasonable" you have to be in your denying grandparents access to their grandchildren. Some are quite surprising.

    It's generally far and away in the best interests of the child for both mom and dad to be around, so hopefully that can prove a logistically feasible reality, whether here or there. What isn't in a kid's interest is being treated like a hot potato because of his ADHD. Hopefully your partner and his ex can formally settle on a beneficial and stable arrangement for the kid.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you have to make peace with whatever comes and ground yourself a bit better in terms of your own commitments. You don't have to move anywhere you don't want to and you do have to feel comfortable and confident to make your choices independent of your partner. This is largely a personal choice and there is no right or wrong for you.

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    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    I think you need to prepare yourself for a big change in your relationship. Almost all the time you have been with your boyfriend he has not seen his son or had access to him. Now, for the past year the child has been in your lives, did your relationship change during that time?

    How long have you been engaged for? Have you two talked about having more kids?

    I am a parent, so in my opinion nothing should come between the relationship between children and their parents. If I was in your situation I would probably let him figure out this on his own, I would be there for moral support but I would never make him choose between his kid and me. If I was unable to make a big move out of state, then hard choices would need to be made.

    Wish you luck OP

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    He's not going to move. He did not make much effort to see the child for years, do you thinks that's going to change?

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    He really needs a lawyer.

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I'm wondering why he has been your fiance for 8 years. That sounds more like a title than an actual promise of marriage.

    But why on earth did he not settle these custody issues when they got divorced? A mother cannot arbitrarily decide to withhold visitation from a parent. So the first thing he needs to do is to see a lawyer and get visitation issues settled.

    I also wonder how committed he is to you. You obviously were willing to help him deal with a child who had disciplinary problems. Has he asked you how you feel about moving? Would he move if you said you can't move?

  9. 04-02-2019, 03:47 PM

  10. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Firstly, I'd never get involved with someone who had a child if I weren't willing to accept the reality that someday, whether tomorrow or 8 years from now, they'd take the opportunity to relocate closer to that child to be a regular part of their lives. In fact, I'd be banking on it.
    Yep. All you can do is mentally prepare yourself for the reality and decide whether or not you want to move with him... if he wants you to that is.

    There is one thing to consider in all of this... don't move just to make him happy if it's something that would ultimately make you unhappy. Assess all of the possibilities and options that come with such a decision. Moving for him without any forethought would do nothing except make life miserable for him, for you, and for the child involved. There is no right or wrong answer here except that you must follow your heart.

  11. #9
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Firstly, I'd never get involved with someone who had a child if I weren't willing to accept the reality that someday, whether tomorrow or 8 years from now, they'd take the opportunity to relocate closer to that child to be a regular part of their lives. In fact, I'd be banking on it. I don't know the guy's reality well enough to judge him for these first 8 years being away from the child, but he seems to have his head and heart in the right place now.

    As far as custody and his standing in denying the grandparents visitation, these are all matters he needs to explore in detail with his attorney. States differ, especially with regard to how "reasonable" you have to be in your denying grandparents access to their grandchildren. Some are quite surprising.

    It's generally far and away in the best interests of the child for both mom and dad to be around, so hopefully that can prove a logistically feasible reality, whether here or there. What isn't in a kid's interest is being treated like a hot potato because of his ADHD. Hopefully your partner and his ex can formally settle on a beneficial and stable arrangement for the kid.
    To me if a guy I just met tells me "I have a son that lives out of state and I dont have contact with him because the mom wont let me" I run and bolt. Major red flag for me. You are not in your kids life for whatever reason. I'm not interested

  12. 04-02-2019, 07:44 PM

  13. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with Ray. She's reading exactly what the OP posted which is all we can take these scribblings (including our own) for, right? (See the OP's first line in the first post indicating the mother for whatever reason only allowed him to see the boy in the past year). Is the situation weird and would it raise my red flags or suspicions? Yes, probably. But deviating from what the OP's been quite clear about, doesn't make sense and seems like we're grasping at straws.

    I wouldn't speculate past that or read too much into it unless the OP wants to volunteer more information. I still believe it's up to her to decide whether it's the end of the relationship or not. There's not much else to go by in the initial post. Sorry, dear. I hope you gain the peace and conviction required to make this decision eventually. There's nothing worse than living in limbo.

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