Am I deluding myself

Bit of a more complicated situation here and I was hoping for some impartial eyes on it.

Me and my ex dated for 2 years, and were best friends for a year before that. I am 24, she is 23. Our relationship was never toxic and I really did enjoy everything about it and I hoped she did to.

Towards the end, she started to become more distant and I became more clingy. She broke up with me at the very start of this year and we had a turbulent 2 weeks where I was chasing after her and not being able to control myself.

After a while, I was able to get a hold of myself and we started hanging out again until it became us seeing each other every day. We got closer and shared a few kisses, she started staying over and then finally we slept together.

This was 2 days before she had to go to another city for holidays. There, she bumped into her ex and slept with him and hung out with him for the whole week. Upon returning, we had a big fight and she left again.

I went no contact for over a week before she sent me a text message saying she was sorry for how she acted. I did not respond

That night, she turned up at my door in tears, saying she was very sorry for trying to hide it from me, and that she did not want to lose her best friend. She also said however, this did not mean she wanted to get back together again. We spent the next few hours sort of just enjoying each others company

Ever since that night, we have been a bit rocky, hanging out sometimes and actually having a really good time although we always end up talking about our break-up. She is always laughing and smiling. I can tell she does like spending time around me. We can still spend hours on the phone talking about nothing. However, she tells me she doesn't want to give me hope and that she does not think we will get back together again. She wanted to end our friendship because she was afraid it was giving me hope. She said she knew we were really good together but things were going wrong. The last time we saw each other was on Monday, where I told her how I felt and she told me what went wrong. I was becoming to clingy and dependant, I started to drift away from my own goals and social life. She didn't like who she was becoming as she started to feel suffocated and was always angry. I showed her how I was already realised all of this and had already began to change, and she has recognised this too already in the past. I asked her to give it some time. That I did not want us together either at this very moment until we both fix ourselves. She said to give her the week to think about things. She said everything was really good, except she did not like who she was turning into. And that I became less attractive in her eyes because of me being needy towards the end.

I sent her a text after she left asking her to remember what I said. And that if it comes to it, I will respect her decision because I have nothing left to say. It is up to her now.

I do have to say, I really do have hopes for us. It may sound stupid but I forgave her for what happened, because she was truly sorry for keeping it from me.

How should I handle our chat in a few days? Do you think we have any chance?

Thank you so much and sorry for the long post

I think all the chatting in the world won't change the fact that she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you.

How many ways does she have to say it? She slept with her ex. She said she didn't want to get back with you. She doesn't want to give you hope. She thinks you're too clingy and dependent.

No, I don't think there is any chance. Don't let her put you in the friend zone. If she's not interested in a relationship, wish her well and cease all contact.

I understand exactly what you mean and that is what half of my brain understands and is telling me.

The other half is asking why we started getting closer again when we were seeing each other every day. How the cuddles, spontaneous kisses, kiss goodmornings before work and sex happened. I think that's the half that is sort of screwing with me right now and making me hope things will get better with time

i think the scheduled chat is pointless. nothing will change in a week. if you can meet on a higher ground and want to give it a second try then, it won't be any time soon, and certainly not soon enough to continue living with that goal or hope in mind.

there's nothing complicated about this situation, you're just postponing letting go because it's always kind of painful and uncomfortable to let go. yet people do it all the time, and so can you.

i don't think you'll do it, but i would just cancel the chat and wish her well and move on with my life without her involvement in it.

if you drag this on, it'll continue to get increasingly weirder and unsatisfying and holding you back until it inevitably comes to an end with far less dignity and grace than if you just bite the bullet and accept it simply hasn't worked out.

You were dating the wrong girl. A good healthy relationship is where you both are equally on the same page, emotionally, with the same expectations/goals, etc. With her, the honeymoon stage has worn off and she realizes she is no longer interested in you....she was starting to think about what else is out there. You couldn't have stopped this from happening. It's normal and it happens to everyone. I'm sure she wished it could all be like it was and tried hard to rekindle things, but it's pretty obvious it's over for her...she ain't coming back. It's not a bad thing. This will give you the opportunity to make way for the right person whomever she will be. You are so young, you have plenty of time to meet the one.

Breakups and cheating, what a stormy relationship. And all this in only 3 months? Are you guys trying to set a record for the worst relationship?! Doesn't sound worthwhile to me.

Good relationships don't involve as much pain as this one. Find a mature woman (who won't cheat) who falls in love with you (no cheating, no breakups, just fun).

It was 2 years with no cheating. We broke up in Jan, she slept with an ex in march.

I understand what everyone else is saying though, nevertheless. Thank you

I understand exactly what you mean and that is what half of my brain understands and is telling me.

The other half is asking why we started getting closer again when we were seeing each other every day. How the cuddles, spontaneous kisses, kiss goodmornings before work and sex happened. I think that's the half that is sort of screwing with me right now and making me hope things will get better with time

Yes, continuing to have sex with her and sometimes act like a couple IS screwing with you and is completely selfish on her part. She knows you want more and she's using you for emotional support and comfort! There is no point in chatting anymore. Wake up, get angry, and realize that this situation is terribly unhealthy for you. Stop investing in someone whose primary concern is being able to sleep with other people.

She calls you out for being clingy and what do you do? Cling on for dear life....despite the fact that she is telling you to your face that she is not into you, doesn't want you, cheated on you even......

Dude, you seriously need to have a long sit down with yourself and think long and hard about what is going on with you that you are so pitifully desperate and what happened to your standards. Do you even have any standards or are you down to any female with a pulse? When you think about a good woman and the kind of a relationship you want, is this really what it looks like? Wake up and snap out of this.

Agree with the others.

You said that when you were together the relationship was not toxic. Great. Cherish that as you mourn it. Toxic relationships really throw us around, twist us into knots that take a long time to untangle, as you're on the cusp of learning the hard way.

Why? Because what you've described—what you're now co-creating with your ex—is very much a toxic relationship. Keep doing what you're doing and the toxins will keep spreading.

She does not want to be with you, is already moving on, physically and emotionally. Those are facts, and the only facts that matter. The longer you continue to engage as you are the more those facts will become the forever truth you don't want them to become.

The kissing, the cuddles, the emotional professions—don't look to those for hope, because in this state they are the opposite. They are actually the sharpest nails in the coffin, rewards for her confusion and for yours. The more you kiss, the more you cuddle, the more you talk—the more things stay exactly as they are, the more you turn a sad story into a toxic story.

She is, like you, confused and hurting. Everyone is confused and hurting after a break up, and everyone who is confused and hurting seeks comfort. That's human nature, basic survival stuff. The kissing and cuddling is both of you taking comfort from the hurt, but it's also trying to treat a cut with a knife. It just prolongs the hurt, deepens it, for both of you, in different ways.

I know that's not what you want to hear, and a lot of people need to go through a protracted, confusing, cuddly breakup (or two, or seven) to learn this lesson. But if there is a round two for you guys—and, hey, it happens—the thing to understand is that it is not going to come from this toxic foundation you're building out of mutual fear and confusion. It will come after you've both let this whole thing go, for real, and moved on, for real, so maybe you can move toward each other again on a wholly different plane, from a wholly different angle.

Agree with the others.

 

You said that when you were together the relationship was not toxic. Great. Cherish that as you mourn it. Toxic relationships really throw us around, twist us into knots that take a long time to untangle, as you're on the cusp of learning the hard way.

 

Why? Because what you've described—what you're now co-creating with your ex—is very much a toxic relationship. Keep doing what you're doing and the toxins will keep spreading.

 

She does not want to be with you, is already moving on, physically and emotionally. Those are facts, and the only facts that matter. The longer you continue to engage as you are the more those facts will become the forever truth you don't want them to become.

 

The kissing, the cuddles, the emotional professions—don't look to those for hope, because in this state they are the opposite. They are actually the sharpest nails in the coffin, rewards for her confusion and for yours. The more you kiss, the more you cuddle, the more you talk—the more things stay exactly as they are, the more you turn a sad story into a toxic story.

 

She is, like you, confused and hurting. Everyone is confused and hurting after a break up, and everyone who is confused and hurting seeks comfort. That's human nature, basic survival stuff. The kissing and cuddling is both of you taking comfort from the hurt, but it's also trying to treat a cut with a knife. It just prolongs the hurt, deepens it, for both of you, in different ways.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, and a lot of people need to go through a protracted, confusing, cuddly breakup (or two, or seven) to learn this lesson. But if there is a round two for you guys—and, hey, it happens—the thing to understand is that it is not going to come from this toxic foundation you're building out of mutual fear and confusion. It will come after you've both let this whole thing go, for real, and moved on, for real, so maybe you can move toward each other again on a wholly different plane, from a wholly different angle.

Thank you for making me understand more about what is going on. I will try to be as strong as I can about this. I don't think I am strong enough to text her now and call it off as others have suggested. But I will accept what will happen this weekend without arguing or begging, and be on my way from there

When you slept together you weren't back together so you blowing up over her sleeping with her ex was kind of out of order.

It was 2 years with no cheating. We broke up in Jan, she slept with an ex in march.

I understand what everyone else is saying though, nevertheless. Thank you

I misread, it was a two year relationship, not 3 months.

This was 2 days before she had to go to another city for holidays. There, she bumped into her ex and slept with him and hung out with him for the whole week.

- I would call sleeping with another man cheating.

If it's not cheating because you were on a break, that's even worse. Breakups are bad, most happy couples never experience them. And it's still cheating. I love the crazy excuses people come up with.

Anyway, it does not seem like her heart is in it. It would be easier and you could start the healing process quicker if you just let her go.

I misread, it was a two year relationship, not 3 months.

 

 

 

- I would call sleeping with another man cheating.

 

If it's not cheating because you were on a break, that's even worse. Breakups are bad, most happy couples never experience them. And it's still cheating. I love the crazy excuses people come up with.

 

Anyway, it does not seem like her heart is in it. It would be easier and you could start the healing process quicker if you just let her go.

They weren't on a break and they weren't together at all so it's not cheating.

When you slept together you weren't back together so you blowing up over her sleeping with her ex was kind of out of order.

TBH, The fight was not over her sleeping with her ex. I told her I had no right to tell her what to do. The fight was over leading me on the month prior.

Along the lines of "I don't understand why you slept with him in the end, I thought we were getting closer again. I thought we had a chance and you let me believe that"

I misread, it was a two year relationship, not 3 months.

 

 

 

- I would call sleeping with another man cheating.

 

If it's not cheating because you were on a break, that's even worse. Breakups are bad, most happy couples never experience them. And it's still cheating. I love the crazy excuses people come up with.

 

Anyway, it does not seem like her heart is in it. It would be easier and you could start the healing process quicker if you just let her go.

I get how your mind works now and it's not good at all. You would call it cheating when a woman sleeps with another man (even though she is single and they're not in a relationship), but over on another thread you told a guy who was sleeping with another woman behind his GFs back that is wasn't cheating and that he didn't have anything to feel guilty about. What???? Do you ever read the ridiculous things you write?

The worst possible way to 'win' someone back is to continue contact and seeing them. That's not a win, it's avoiding the kind of break that could evolve you both to higher ground. Then if you're really a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet again in a new place. The rub is, you'll both need to grow to that place on your own.

This involvement 'thing' is just a way to torture yourself and kick this thing until it's dead.

Nobody can love you without respect, and nobody can respect you if you're willing to hover around the periphery of their life.

Respect your Self.

I have to agree with the others, this wasn't cheating. Sex is not a currency to buy you exclusivity, or a relationship. You were just hanging out. Unfortunately you misunderstood her intentions so I can see you were a little butt hurt over it. Exes just come back for the familiarity. You both were free to date, or screw anyone you wanted. Time to move on, there is no need to dwell on this any further...or it will just eat you up inside.