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Is this silly or could it be something more serious?


K Pop

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Hi,

 

I’m a female in her late twenties and I’m hoping to get some advice and opinions on a feeling thats been bugging me for like a year or two. I spoke to a close friend about this who did admit that it sounded a little silly and embarrassing, but could possibly be something more serious and I should seek advice from others on the matter.

 

I regularly play an online game with another person that I met in the game and have done consistently for about 2-3 years now. We basically do everything together in a sense of improvement and helping each other to get the most of the game (like if one of us is running low on in game currency, we can rely on each other for help). I consider us like a tag team in a basic sense as our play styles compliment each other very well. We are good friends who confide in each other, but are not in an intimate relationship or anything like that.

 

The game we play together has become somewhat stagnant over the course of this last year with fewer major updates, which has made me question a few of things.

 

Lots of my friends have stopped playing the game because of this leaving just my friend in my friends list. Our enthusiasm certainly isn’t the same as it was in the beginning, however we both love playing this game together and I personally don’t think I will stop playing (I cant speak for him though as he plays a lot more games than I do right now).

 

For a while, we spoke about making new friends in the game and perhaps joining some guilds together. We tried this however the people we played with were too casual to form any synergy with and disappeared after about a month or two (possibly sooner). After much thought, I’ve decided not to make an effort in getting to meet new people, at least not unless the game becomes less casual and more deep than its current state to warrant needing to know more people. I just don’t think its worth my time.

 

My friend however has begun making new friends and has started inviting them into our parties. They are nice people, so I personally don’t have anything against his friends, but I don’t want to feel like I’m now obligated to play with new people or make an effort to get to know people all of a sudden. To me, it feels rather rude when we have arranged to play together only to have another person join us either at random or after being invited by him at the last minute.

 

I have expressed my feelings to my friend that I don’t want to feel like I’m starting over again making new friends who may be gone after a few months, but I don’t think he entirely understands. I’m quite a reasonable person though and explained that he can do or play with whoever he wants, but not to feel upset if I don’t want to play with anyone else other than him. My real life circumstances have also changed since we first started playing together, which also makes it increasingly difficult to dedicate time to making new friends in the game when I am busy enough keeping up with real life business.

 

I’m just not sure where to go from here. I sometimes think that the easy answer is to push my friend away as he clearly wants something different than I do now. Then again, I don’t want to break our friendship or stop playing with him because of how I'm feeling. I also don't want his friends to feel like I'm the one being rude if I don't want to join them.

 

Can anyone offer me any advice on what I should do?

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Have you ever met? Is this entirely online? You need to make more friends in real life as well as with any online games. The situation has become stale and your friend did the right thing branching out and looking at other opportunities and friends, etc. You've outgrown the game and each other as friends.

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which also makes it increasingly difficult to dedicate time to making new friends in the game when I am busy enough keeping up with real life business.

 

I’m just not sure where to go from here.

 

with respect, you are in your late twenties - Where you go from here is dedicate your time and energy to your real life business. When that has become an established habit, you'll see the trivial nature of your here described concern.

 

If this is a friendship, on both ends, it will likely continue in a way, and without the overinvolvement in the game, that allows both of you to tend to your lives like adults. Or maybe it'll fizzle out like they sometimes do- and it won't be a huge deal when the "huge deal" which is one's real life takes over.

 

I'd say don't even talk about your concerns with other people joining the game. If it doesn't sit well with you to play with others present just don't play, and if you're concerned you won't ever get to talk to him as friends then, tell him you'll be busy with xyz so you won't be playing and leave him your phone number and tell him you'd love to talk sometimes. If he doesn't follow up on the invitation the friendship will fade at the same time as your life circumstance comes together as you spend time on it, and it will be easier to accept.

 

Neither of you should feel it's an issue who plays an online game. I mean come on? Give him the suggestion to carry the friendship on in real life, independently of the game, and if that doesn't appeal to him you'll just outgrow him and the friendship.

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I think you are taking this friends thing a bit too far in game. When joining in parties to do things, nobody is looking to be your pal or looking to you to become their pal.

Of course, sometimes the way people play, chat, you happen to click just like you would in real life. It's kind of random though. If you don't feel like chatting away and just need to do your part for the group, nobody really cares about that. You are putting some imaginary pressure on yourself here that doesn't exist in reality. If you like, play along. If you don't, log off and go do something else.

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You are getting too caught up in trying to get to know people in these games. Gaming is not to make lifelong friends and I think you're taking it a little too serious.

 

You can talk once in a while but truthfully, it is to get help in the game but I don't think anyone is thinking it means BFF's.

 

As for telling your online friend that you're not up to meeting new people or showing disdain for him meeting new people, that's not right and you again are taking things too seriously.

 

If you're looking for friends who wants to hopefully connect with you for an actual friendship, I would say that you'll have more success meeting people in real life.

 

Online isn't something you can count on.

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Have you ever met? Is this entirely online? You need to make more friends in real life as well as with any online games. The situation has become stale and your friend did the right thing branching out and looking at other opportunities and friends, etc. You've outgrown the game and each other as friends.

 

Hi,

 

Our friendship is entirely online and we're both happy about that. I'm lucky enough to have some close friends and a lovely family in real life so I dont think thats part of my issue. I never feel alone, so it doesnt feel like I'm craving for more attention or company. I do admit that the direction the game has headed appears to have affected all of my game friends, not just the two of us. I wonder if this outcome is just inevitable.

 

Do you think the sensible thing would be for each of us to go our separate ways?

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Hi,

 

Our friendship is entirely online and we're both happy about that. I'm lucky enough to have some close friends and a lovely family in real life so I dont think thats part of my issue. I never feel alone, so it doesnt feel like I'm craving for more attention or company. I do admit that the direction the game has headed appears to have affected all of my game friends, not just the two of us. I wonder if this outcome is just inevitable.

 

Do you think the sensible thing would be for each of us to go our separate ways?

 

Yes, games die out. People lose interest or new games come out that are better so people move on. Yes, this is a constant factor with games.

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Hi,

 

In my opinion, you kind of have two different issues wrapped up.

 

Firstly you are playing an online game that is stagnating.

This happens in many, many online games. The makers of the game generally don't have the time to keep up the the appetites of most online players who are wanting improvements, new missions, new gear etc. So a vast majority of your online gamers will start a game, get bored and move on. There are a few hardcore people who will grind away and play year in, year out. I would guess the ratio is about 80-20...You are part of the 20% that stay for more than a month or so and develop strong friendships with those that stick it out. You are finding many of the people around you are not staying long enough to develop bonds with so you don't feel the need to get deeply friendly with them. However many of these games hang in there for years and years before the owners eventually get fed up and shut down the servers. So if you enjoy the game and you have fun then play it as long as you are able to. :) You say that you will never stop playing but your playing time will be limited etc and that is great for the game but if you decide not to, that is okay too. It is a GAME...supposed to be fun.

 

Secondly, this one deeper relationship you have made is feeling threatened. His behavior of getting involved with new players and doing stuff in the game with them makes you feel left out and maybe a little jealous? You possibly also feel a little guilty that you cannot spend time doing what you did before as your personal free time is being taken up by real life stuff. This is a perfectly normal feeling. I've felt the same many times because though it is a game you and the other players are still human ;-P (except for those bots)

 

The feelings that you are having about your friend are normal but don't just kick him to the curb cause he is trying to make new friends. Maybe he likes having more than one person to interact with? Maybe having more people involved with the game mission makes him feel more comfortable. I honestly don't think it is personal. Have you shared email addresses or an alternative method of contact? Do you think your friendship can transcend the game?

 

Not sure if this helps much. Good luck! :)

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I have expressed my feelings to my friend that I don’t want to feel like I’m starting over again making new friends who may be gone after a few months, but I don’t think he entirely understands.

 

Well, he seems to be more social than you and likes the idea of welcoming new people into his life. I don't see it as rude at all... he wants to play with a larger group, and is trying to include you. You are behaving as though you are envious (or something) when he does this which seems more rude to me than what he is trying to do.

 

I think you have placed far more emphasis on this being a meaningful relationship than he has. And you place more emphasis on developing meaningful relationships in the online gaming world than he does. This is probably an unrealistic expectation on your part as most people do not take gaming as seriously and are just in it for fun.

 

Edited to say: You ask if you should both go your separate ways, and I ask you why you think it has to be that black and white? Just move him to a different part of your friends circle and focus on the relationships that are meaningful and make you feel fulfilled.

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with respect, you are in your late twenties - Where you go from here is dedicate your time and energy to your real life business. When that has become an established habit, you'll see the trivial nature of your here described concern.

 

I'm well aware that these feelings are somewhat trivial (I did say that it seemed silly and embarrassing) however I think you misinterpret my situation. I have a healthy lifestyle and career with all the trimmings, its just I like to play a particular game occasionally during my free time that I have invested into for the past few years. Admittedly I dont have time to play that many different games and to be honest I'm not usually one for MMORPG's with this being the exception (sorry if I didnt elaborate on this initally, thats my fault).

 

I think you are taking this friends thing a bit too far in game.

You are getting too caught up in trying to get to know people in these games. Gaming is not to make lifelong friends and I think you're taking it a little too serious.

Play the game for the time being, but don't attach emotions to it like you would to friends in real life.

 

I often wondered if this was the case and if I was actually playing this game "correctly" in a social sense. I know there are a lot of people who tend to draw a line with how they interract online (I've met a few over the years and I too have my limits) and maybe wondered if I was a little forthcoming at times when maybe I shouldnt display much interest in others.

 

Well, he seems to be more social than you and likes the idea of welcoming new people into his life. I don't see it as rude at all... he wants to play with a larger group, and is trying to include you. You are behaving as though you are envious (or something) when he does this which seems more rude to me than what he is trying to do...

 

Just to clarify, I dont see it as rude that he wants to include me either. Maybe a tad ignorant after I told him that I have no interest in playing with other people right now, but following on from the points that you, SherrySher and DancingFool mentioned, maybe I'm taking this online social thing a bit too seriously.

 

I have met hundreds of people playing this game and even organised communities within the game at a time when my life wasnt as hectic.

 

I personally became overwhelmed by the amount of attention I was receiving, which led to me cutting down on the number of people I played with. Whenever I have met someone who offers more than just their sword in battle per se, I have made an effort to be sociable as you do... but theres only so many times you can do this before it gets laborious. Considering the people I played with about a year ago are no longer playing, and the year before that, and so on, its kind of hard to find consistent people to group up with anymore. This is what makes my friend special in that regard. We've basically been on a journey together through this game and its been great!

 

Just to clarify, I have no problem with my friend meeting new people and do actively encourage it if its something he wants to do. I just wondered if I was being unreasonable by suggesting he went on without me or, as you say, "move to a different part of the friends circle".

 

Thank you for your time so far everyone, I really appreciate it :)

 

 

(Note to mods - I think this post might show up twice, can you please delete the duplicate?)

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Well, I suppose your questions are valid and you worry about jeopardizing your online friendship with this male friend. I'd encourage you to keep it simple: join when you want to join in, don't join in when you don't want to join in. No pressure. You do you.

 

I think a weekend away might also put your thoughts in more perspective and you may feel a lot less anxious about this issue. I'm sensing like you're pressured to make a decision soon or else people might judge you. Don't worry so much, chill out and let it wait.

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OP it could just be that you are stretched too thin and that as your real life takes priority you lose interest in the social aspect of the game. Developing relationships does take work even in the online world... it reminds me of the times I was feeling overwhelmed in life and trying to online date at the same time, it takes so much work to be personable and approachable and to put ourselves out there for strangers when in reality all I wanted to do was focus on my life, the relationships I already had, and investing in myself.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hiya,

 

Its been a few days since I checked this thread however I just wanted to give an update on the situation.

 

I've since spoken to my friend and we're both in agreement and have a better understanding of each of our situations now. He's still happy to play together frequently and I'm feeling much more chilled after reflecting on the constructive replies I've had in this thread. I definitely wont be taking social encounters in the game too seriously from now on (I think Maew said it best: "stretched too thin with real life taking priority"), which leaves me with more time to play alone and occasionally with my friend.

 

Thanks again for the help guys. I really appreciate it! :)

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