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Thread: Reconcilation with grieving ex-boyfriend

  1. #11
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    I really appreciate your honest answers. It has been a very difficult situation to navigate and I just wanted to do the best so that in the future he would not see me as one of the people who let him down at his time of need. But that is out of my hands. Many thanks for your help, it has been very helpful x.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    also, if you mean that you trivialized his grief by simply hoping for (let alone expecting) the romantic interest to continue or at least be sympathetically declined, no again. I think you were completely aware of the gravity of what had happened to him, being a mother yourself, and it sounds like you were aware it would affect how well he could relate. I think you either expected that, even though he probably wouldn't relate in a way that a man who hadn't been afflicted with something like that could, the "relationship" would still remain dignified towards the both of you, even if not very intense. And that if or when he couldn't do that he would state that and break it off rather than you having to come to the crumbling realization after being treated like a causal encounter he blocks out his pain #ucking.

    it's good if, in the light of things, you think he can be forgiven, but if he has a temporary need to blame you, you shouldn't see it as the pathological solution for his emotional state that it is, not a valid judgement.

    be well and post any time you need to!

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Isa76
    I guess what I really wanted to know was if I should have been kinder and told him that I had not meant to trivialise his grief by focusing on what to him were meaningless needs. I don't intend to make any other contact and it is actually a relief to have distance, as awful as it sounds, as it was not healthy for me or for him. But he is still someone who is very special to me and I would hate to think of me in a negative way because of how I cut everything short.
    Forget what he thinks. He's not in a reliable 'thinking' mode right now. That's your problem. You're expecting a reasonable person to act reasonably right now and he is likely the furthest thing from reasonable. Stop pitying him and coddling him also. Yes, this is likely one of the most painful things a person can ever go through in their life (losing a child) but you are not his bandaid, his bounty picker upper and you sure as heck are not his mother. Take care of yourself and stop worrying so much about him. He senses your neediness and you're smothering him. If he needs a listening ear, just listen to him. Don't have sex with him and don't engage in anything romantic. If he thinks you're being a witch, so what. He can get over himself and bring his attitude down a notch when he's feeling better. You just stay true to yourself and don't give a flying flip.

  4. #14
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    Many thanks for your kind and very observant comment, I could not have described it better, much appreciated.

    Originally Posted by RainyCoast
    also, if you mean that you trivialized his grief by simply hoping for (let alone expecting) the romantic interest to continue or at least be sympathetically declined, no again. I think you were completely aware of the gravity of what had happened to him, being a mother yourself, and it sounds like you were aware it would affect how well he could relate. I think you either expected that, even though he probably wouldn't relate in a way that a man who hadn't been afflicted with something like that could, the "relationship" would still remain dignified towards the both of you, even if not very intense. And that if or when he couldn't do that he would state that and break it off rather than you having to come to the crumbling realization after being treated like a causal encounter he blocks out his pain #ucking.

    it's good if, in the light of things, you think he can be forgiven, but if he has a temporary need to blame you, you shouldn't see it as the pathological solution for his emotional state that it is, not a valid judgement.

    be well and post any time you need to!

  5.  

  6. #15
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    Many thanks, I needed to hear these comments to get a more objective perspective and realise that there is nothing I can do about this and to be ok walking away, much appreciated.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Forget what he thinks. He's not in a reliable 'thinking' mode right now. That's your problem. You're expecting a reasonable person to act reasonably right now and he is likely the furthest thing from reasonable. Stop pitying him and coddling him also. Yes, this is likely one of the most painful things a person can ever go through in their life (losing a child) but you are not his bandaid, his bounty picker upper and you sure as heck are not his mother. Take care of yourself and stop worrying so much about him. He senses your neediness and you're smothering him. If he needs a listening ear, just listen to him. Don't have sex with him and don't engage in anything romantic. If he thinks you're being a witch, so what. He can get over himself and bring his attitude down a notch when he's feeling better. You just stay true to yourself and don't give a flying flip.

  7. #16
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    I hope it is ok to ask one last question- does it seem appropriate to "unfriend" him from social media? I want to be sensitive in this regard but I don't want to see his posts and vice versa. I didn't want to do it last week so soon after everything, and I have avoided going into my account up to now, but it does not seem appropriate in the long run to be each other's contact. It is a Linkedin account, but we are both pretty active on it, posting several times a week. Many thanks.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes on LinkedIn you can reset all your setting to either not follow him or simply disconnect from him without any notifications. It's a good idea to review your connections, settings and keep your profile, posts, connections and privacy settings all up to date. If you post make sure it's not public. Delete/unfollow him from all social media.
    Originally Posted by Isa76
    It is a Linkedin account, but we are both pretty active on it, posting several times a week. Many thanks.

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