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Thread: Girlfriend wants to stay with ex abroad.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    She is very obviously not over this guy and everything about her behavior, the way she described the call as "head spinning, Pandor's Box,etc." her then turning around and telling herself and you that she won't be going because she has everything here, but then changing her mind and deciding to go, the picture on the wall.... You called her bluff and she solved it by "well, I'll just go again without you". Are you sure he was the cheater? Just because he is attractive doesn't make the man a womanizer. However, your lady is acting very very shady in terms of trying to get with this ex while keeping you in the back pocket at home waiting on her. She is the one setting up a cheating situation here. I'm afraid your empathetic flower is more like a venus flytrap and you are the fly.

  2. #12
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    1) Let's see - she's still playing with her ex, and...

    2) She's going to LEAVE YOU and move into the ex's house. It takes months or a year to sell a house - she's leaving you. Not much of a girlfreind.

    A woman in love with you would never want to leave you.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    My girlfriend is a very empathetic decent person, but Iíve never met him but know heís a womaniser. This is why she dropped him decades ago. I love her to bits
    Why would any of this change?

    She knows what kind of man he is, it's why she dumped him. She sounds like a smart woman, she's not going to be running back into his arms.

    Honestly, I think you're worrying for nothing.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by dave_1966
    Iíve been dating a lovely woman for three months, and Iím falling in love with her and vice-versa. Iíve gone through a maelstrom of emotions the last six months with family deaths, and sheís been an absolute rock.

    She has an ex from many years ago whom she stays friends with, she finished with him because heís exceptionally good looking who canít be trusted but has given her work over the years (we are both freelancers). We are in Belfast but donít live together yet, and heís based in North Vietnam. She often chats with him, and does work for him free of charge. There is a picture of him on the wall in her house. Iím a firm believer in not being possessive or needy, and letting your partner do what the hell she likes. I do trust her entirely.
    No you do not. And really, you should not.

    As others have pointed out, she is still attached to this man with a beach house in Vietnam.

    I think you're in the end game of this relationship.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You loving her to bits, is not a reason to let your use you as a doormat.

  7. #16
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Why would any of this change?

    She knows what kind of man he is, it's why she dumped him. She sounds like a smart woman, she's not going to be running back into his arms.

    Honestly, I think you're worrying for nothing.
    Why would she hang up a photo up of this ex if there was no feelings there? Because she's still no over him. Thats why she wants to jump on this opportunity alone so she can see him.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    dave, do you want to hear something interesting?

    i remember seeing you on here through the years. i can never remember anything specific that you've shared, but what i always remember is "oh dave, right, the guy who will put up with anything because he genuinely wants to be a non-judgemental, accepting person".

    I promise i mean nothing negative by that. The way you express your concerns doesn't read like something written by your regular too-empathic-for-his-own-good doormat either. It reads like it's coming from someone with actual social awareness and a humanistic perspective. Admirable- if done with dignity.

    I went to refresh my memory of the "specifics". You've wanted to not be biased by mental health issues, autism, suicidal ideation in a promiscuous dependant friend, now a woman oddly attached to an ex. Look, really, the way you want to not be influenced by the often superficial judgements that would alienate many others from these individuals speaks really well of you, but you also keep getting hurt by these people. I think there's a huge difference between love and compassion for human beings with all their failings and struggles and not recognizing when this sentiment blinds you to the fact humanity is much easier to love than specific human personalities are. It won't make you a bad person if, while feeling that "challenging" people deserve not to be judged, you also establish that their traits have a tendency to be too painful, harmful and unfair on others up close.

    i don't want to make assumptions about what kind of people you choose to surround yourself so my apologies if i'm off base here, but from what you share with us, i can't help wondering. Wondering things like whether you look for women who have no ongoing relationship with an ex, no significant "active" mental health problems etc. It seems like it's always the ones that have something you'll have to learn to accept and love. It's nice if you feel like you want to challenge yourself to accept imperfections, but i feel like you struggle to filter those imperfections. Somehow i picture you faced with the option of turning down a woman afflicted with something fairly unpleasant for others, but who is otherwise charming and pleasant, simply for the affliction alone, and you going "absolutely not, that would be so shallow/judgemental". and then promptly suffering for it.

    For reasons completely irrelevant to this thread, i feel very strongly about being very accepting and understanding and non judgemental about people with schizophrenia specifically, i mean to a greater extent than others even. But hell naw i wouldn't date them, i don't wish the suffering on myself. The illness doesn't make them bad, it just makes them unlikely to not be too much pain and hurt for a partner (and by that i mean me specifically). I don't feel like it makes me hypocritical or a "fake ally" or something like that, you know? Is that behind it, with you, would you feel it's hypocritical to be non judgemental whilst refusing to get personally involved (with people with continued close friendships with exs, with a symptomatic mental health problem etc)?

    just because you believe that in theory, a woman can stay close to her ex and not have romantic motives for that, it doesn't mean this is true for her or most cases even. this one clearly does not justify your open minded belief. everything from the framed picture to ongoing involvement to wanting to make the second trip just to go without you is just so messed up and wrong. you're not treated right in this relationship, or loved either imo.

    The good news is you have some control over just how badly you get played if you stop subjecting yourself to people whom you can accept on a philosophical level (and, as the evidence suggests, on a philosophical level alone). There are really good moral justifications for not getting personally and practically involved with them which you're smart enough to put into practice.

  9. #18
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    I totally agree with this ^^^. I also think sometimes compassion, empathy and wanting to be non-judgmental can blind us to the fact that we're being abused or played - because we're more concerned for the welfare for the other person than we are for our own. Meanwhile, our guts may be screaming out loud, we suffer from stress-related complaints and nightmares and are deeply unhappy - but don't feel we're entitled to walk away and take care of ourselves.

    Non-judgmental does NOT mean lacking in judgment. It means not judging people as 'good' or 'bad', but just acknowledging what they are. I get what RainyCoast is saying about people with schizophrenia - I love working with them, and they are the most interesting, rewarding bunch of people I know. That's non-judgmental. However, trying to have an intimate relationship with anyone on the schizoid spectrum and then wondering why there's no real connection... that's lacking in judgment.

    I used to attend Alanon meetings, and was really struck by the topic to be discussed one evening - that tolerance can be a character defect if carried to extremes; in that context it was referring to the willingness of people to be lied to, impoverished and abused because they 'loved' their partners.

    In your case, you are tolerating a woman who is in frequent contact with her ex, still has his photo on her wall and is planning to go over to the other side of the globe on her own to meet him. He is not someone from her past, but someone who is still very much in her present and who will likely try to throw a spanner in the works of your relationship... with her consent. Y'know, my ex husband - with whom I'd been in intermittent contact over the years - got back in touch after we'd been apart for 18 years, trying to rekindle the relationship. Did I go into an emotional tailspin, a Pandora's Box of emotions? No - I gave him very short shrift and told him to stop being so stupid, and that his current wife is the best thing that has ever happened to him. That's how it is when you've genuinely moved on from a relationship... and your girlfriend clearly hasn't.

    I get that you don't want to be jealous or controlling - or be judged as being jealous or controlling - but when you don't impinge on someone's freedom and they act in ways which make you want to eat your heart out, then it really is time to bail - for your own sanity.

  10. #19
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Why would any of this change?

    She knows what kind of man he is, it's why she dumped him. She sounds like a smart woman, she's not going to be running back into his arms.
    - This may actually be true.

    However, her staying in his house (even if he's not there) could make a boyfriend jelous - and it's understandable. Why go through the pain of jealousy?

    Plus, SHE'S LEAVING HIM. She's talking about going away for months or a year probably.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think there's anything mortally wrong with what she's doing. It's a destination and a beach house. You both seem like grown adults (all three of you with your own properties). Why turn this into a child's fit? Obviously she makes decisions that are not acceptable to you. You don't need anyone's approval that this is right or wrong. Simply axe the relationship or keep dating her.

    I wouldn't date someone like her but I also don't think she's a horrible person. She sounds a bit of a ditz but that's her prerogative and she's free to conduct her business and life as she pleases. For your peace of mind and simply because this is turning you into a less-than-attractive man, let her go and go book your own balmy beach houses elsewhere.

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