Am I fooling myself ? Or can it be good.

Hi I’ll try and keep this as short as possible without missing out the important information

I met a girl just over 2 years ago ,we started as just friends and soon after she states she had feelings for me,I enjoyed her company and we got on well together ,but at the start I just never fealt that way about her ,this soon changed and I fell in love which was the first time for me despite previous relationships (im 36 she’s 29 ) around 8 months In I opened up and told her how I felt ,we began a relationship and it all seemed to change ,

She had said she had feelings for me all that time but as we began the relationship she was very cold ,it started to feel like she wasn’t interested,I spoke to her about it and she stated that she never got affection from her 1 previous partner or as a child ,

So I tried to understand and gave her as much affection as I could and made sure she knew she was loved ,all this time she seemed like she didn’t care no matter what I did

Then she was caught in a lie texting a guy she worked with an when I asked her about it she said there was nothing to worry about but had deleted the texts ,I knew there was more sexual content in the texts as the guy was a friend of a friend of mine but she denied it and we broke up as I fealt betrayed and she refused to tell the truth

5 months later she came back wanting to try again and admitted the contents of the texts were of sexual content and she denied it as thought I would get mad an approach her guy friend about it...so basically left me to protect him !

However I still loved her and wanted to try again too ,we started again and she was still cold and uninterested but stated she was in love with me ,we went through a few months of on off and I later found out after being apart a month that the week she came back she had met a guy and was texting him and sending nude pictures for weeks at the start then occasionally when she wanted attention after

She’s opened up and said she has problems where as she didn’t get attention from boys at school or college and she liked the attention ,but nothing had happened physically although she had told the guy I was weird and I stalked her (I didn’t )

She also said that when we are together she’s Constantly worried about loosing me and is very jealous of any girl I talk to and gets mad if a girl likes a picture on my social media and seems to constantly shift blame for her actions,lieing constantly

At first I thought maybe she was a narcissist but she isn’t violent and with respect isn’t very intellectual,but admitted she can’t feel empathy or handle Criticism,

Shes agreed to get help although also admitted she never loved me but wants to be with me and thinks it can change as I’m all she thinks about, I really love the girl and want to believe she can change with help but im fearful of that feeling of betrayal again

And looking stupid for giving her another chance to hurt me

Yet the feeling of being without her makes life hard to live so I’m stuck on what to do

Can people change ? Is this behaviour a possible mental issue due to her younger years that can be fixed with help ? Or is it all false hope ?

I’m mentally drained and this has pushed me into deep depression which had a big impact on my life causing me to loose my job

Any advice on this would be appreciated please

Why would you want to be with someone who has to change. This is who she is. Accept it.

This has never been good. She has been cold from the start, yet you continued. She cheats on you, you take her back. She cheats on you again.

She does not love or respect you, and has treated you dreadfully. Stop excusing her behavior due to her childhood. She is a terrible girlfriend, who cheats and is an attention seeker. That's it. Stop romanticizing her crappy actions.

I suggest you address why you would date, and pursue someone like this. I would also address your emotional unavailability. You would not have chosen a woman like this, if you were truly looking for a partner.

Block and delete. Have you sought therapy.

I’m the time I spent getting to know her as a friend she wasn’t a person I thought capable of the things she did

I try to understand her behaviour as I do think she has low self esteem

However regards therapy,I did have counselling and was suggested I’m too kind hearted possibly due to growing up in an all female household with mum and sisters therefore treating women as I’d expect them to be treated

I suppose I may focus more on the good than the bad because I love her

And I don’t think anything physical happened just messages an pictures

But I suppose I just hoped now she’s agreed to get help with her mental issues then she would stop doing those things ,I don’t expect her to be a different person as she’s who I feel in love with ,I just need her stop disrespecting me and be faithful

Even if nothing physical happened, it is still cheating.

She has shown you who she is, twice. You can chose to love and respect yourself by staying away, or you can go back for more disloyalty, coldness and uncertainty. Your choice.

You also have low self esteem, or you would not have returned twice. Even now, you are considering another round. That is on you, as she has shown you who she is. Stop being her doormat.

Yes, it's false hope, OP.

This is a complete waste of your time. Forget her and find a woman who is mature and respectful enough for a committed relationship, and doesn't need this much "understanding" from you.

People like her will never change. She craves attention and will get it one way or another. I'd walk away and stay away because you will just get repeatedly hurt.

Res flags all over the place here. Forget her, block her, do not accept friendship and work on your own life. Don't tolerate this kind of behaviour in future please

How involved are you? Are you exclusive? Or living together? What is the understanding of your relationship? What is the longest amount of sustained time dating without breakups or chronic fights about jealousy, etc? Where is the relationship going? Where do you/does she want it to go?

She is an immature drama queen and flirt. That is not a psychiatric diagnosis. Stop trying to change her or suggest therapy, etc. It is a sign that you are grossly incompatible and do not belong together, along with the on/off nature, the jealousy, the arguments, etc.. The sooner you throw in the towel the sooner you'll be free of this and can start dating more mature compatible women.

we broke up as I fealt betrayed and she refused to tell the truth

 

 

5 months later she came back wanting to try again and admitted the contents of the texts were of sexual content and she denied it as thought I would get mad an approach her guy friend about it...so basically left me to protect him !

She has excess emotional baggage - the stuff in the past. Some people have too much to be a catch.

Just because a woman is beautiful and breathing does not mean she is the catch of the day or the pick of the litter.

I guess I’m just stupid , our longest good spell together is around 4 months and we were exclusive

We don’t live together and she has 2 children from her 1 previous relationship ,

I just think to myself if she wasn’t prepared to do things different why would she want to be with me ? I’m not rich so it’s not for money or anything and all the time we were friends she was constantly saying how much she wanted to be with me until I realised I wanted the same

each time I say enough is enough and walk away I can’t seem to let go ,even after the long break of 5 months I couldn’t I went on a couple of dates but had no interest in anyone else and went no further

Just something about this girl ,and as mentioned she’s a bit “ditzy” so doesn’t seem smart enough to purposely play me ,I imagine I probably don’t sound the most intelligent myself with the situation I’m In

just confusing choosing if I either be miserable without her an hope it gets better or I take another chance and risk it happening again ,

I think the comment about my low self esteem is right ,id always been quite confident an without sounding arrogant I’ve never had a problem attracting girls but since meeting this girl I suppose it changed me

Thank you all for taking time to give me advice

Just something about this girl ,and as mentioned she’s a bit “ditzy” so doesn’t seem smart enough to purposely play me ,I imagine I probably don’t sound the most intelligent myself with the situation I’m In

One doesn't need to be smart to just not care about someone's feelings. That is the reason she does this; she cares more about attention from other men than she does your emotional well-being. It's not some clever game.

And as such, she's not really playing you, considering how terrible she is at hiding her bad behaviour. You know what her deal is. It's not like she needs to work hard to get you to stick around, OP.

For anyone interested I took your advice onboard and the fact as you say she didn’t respect me or my feelings ,I spoke to her last night and just asked what when why an how it could ever be fixed or any better

Apparently when we became a couple I was too nice to her which I admit I may of been a bit emotional but she had told me how she was insecure because of the attention I get from other girls and didn’t feel good enough at the start

So I wanted to show her How much I loved her and that she was everything I wanted ,which I’m now told lost me respect an im left dealing with what she was insecure of,

She also said how she thought she loved me and then realised the way she’s treated me it can’t be love but could be in the future

She went on about how boys hadn’t been interested in her in school or college and she’s only had one partner she was with for 4 years ,

so she text them guys for attention ,she’s also not really got any friends apart from work colleagues so it was nice to have someone to talk to

I believe nothing physical happened but the fact she saw how it upset me the first time yet did it again says she’s selfish and as much as I’d hoped she would stop I don’t think it ever will and I can’t get out of my head that she’s said she loves me all this time when she didn’t and had no respect for me as a man

I feel embarrassed and pathetic for still loving her and I don’t know why I do ,but after hearing all your advice I stopped believing I was over reacting

It’s difficult but if she doesn’t respect me I have to respect myself to end it with her and get over it

Thank you all again for the advice ,not really got anyone to talk to and started to doubt myself

you’ve been a big help it’s very much appreciated

You aren't overreacting. You were under-reacting.

She is too immature and self-centred for a relationship, and your standards are too low, man. You are also too gullible, as you've apparently been buying her lame excuses until now.

Cut her off. There is no future with someone like this.