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Thread: I Can't Stop Getting Angry for No Real Reason

  1. #1
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    I Can't Stop Getting Angry for No Real Reason

    I want to be short but Concise, which will admittedly be very hard with a story like this.

    I met who would become my boyfriend about a year ago now, when he was still with his ex. They had just had a baby together and it was their first time out since the baby was born. I was there with my SO at the time so our interaction was not one of love at first sight it was really an indifference to each other since we were in full swing of our respective relationships.

    Fast Forward a year later, they had been broken up from a very toxic and spiteful relationship. And vice versa on my end. We were both single for awhile when we finally became better friends. He moved out of living with her and in with brother, and I had moved out of my dad's place and into an apartment of my own. He was coworkers with my sisters husband and they played video games together and then he became part of our whole circle of friends, hence how we took a billion years to actually meet and then forever to actually become friends and get to know one another. He wasn't really out on the prowl for a side piece after the collapse of his relationship and new custody troubles with his ex. It took a long time for him to even make up his mind about liking me for sheer fear of my rejection because he has a young child and I don't have any children and I'm 5 years younger than him and a little better off financially. Not to mention he wanted to make sure I was a good fit to get along with his child, like as in finding out if I was open to kids and how well I interacted with them, how mature and open I could be really.

    Just like he was feeling me out I was also feeling out what kind of man he is, how truthful he was about what happened between him and his ex, and observing what kind of father he is, His dedication, and reliability, trustworthiness. Normal Stuff. I normally would never date a guy with kids since I'm only 23, and going to college and living alone. He was kind and respectful and seemed genuinely interested in showing me that he wasn't just interested in casual dating but was very interested and if things proceeded for the better he hoped for something more serious and long term but only if I was as serious and committed since he wasn't letting flaky people he was dating take priority over his daughter. I found in so endeering how devoted and soft spoken he was with her, he really loves her so much and it's apparent just by how he acts, and the decisions he makes.

    We have been dating for 4 months now, and we were in full swing of a powerful and happy honeymoon phase of our relationship. Until last wednesday when I found out I was pregnant. We both agreed that the best thing to do would be to not keep the baby, I couldn't afford to take leave to have it and keep my apartment, and he can't afford to pay my rent when he has child support and his own rent, bills as well. He told me that if I truly want to keep it he would stand by me and help make it happen no matter what, but he also made his reservations and true feelings about it known as well. We have only been together for 4 months, between the two of us we can't afford for me not to work and pay my own rent, it's so soon, and he is fighting for custody of his current child as we speak and feels so overwhelmed with stress. I would only get a fraction of his attention because he doesn't have the finances to keep me and him afloat.

    He says that he is happier than he's ever been and would love to have children with me someday when we are better equipped, but it still hurts me I know it shouldn't but it just does. I am pregnant now and I just don't think I can have children with him ever now because I feel like he is always devoted to his first child, which isn't wrong, I know that, but I am pregnant now too and I still seem not to be any kind of priority. He's so set on that we can't keep it that he doesn't seem to be taking this as hard as I am. He already has a child so he never has to worry about missing out on having one, but I am going to miss out on having my own and I understand why, but I find myself so angry sometimes and I can't put a finger on why or what the exact cause is. I cry myself to sleep most nights. I have an appointment in 10 Days for the procedure. I feel like all my love and trust for him is going to die with this procedure. I am overwhelmed with guilt that I can't have it with him but I would be even worse off on my own. He would always want to be part of the child's life so it would be a lifelong commitment to him as the father, but who can commit to something bigger than marriage in 4 months of dating?

    I am so torn, so broken hearted at how matter-of-fact he is about it, and how I have to be as well when I am an absolute mess inside. My first pregnancy isn't a happy one, it's second rate to him, but first to me. I feel like just getting the procedure and breaking up with him because I know I can't just go back to things being the same, he expects that they will but I know I won't settle so easily. I see myself manifesting feelings of hate towards him and when he brags about his baby that he already has while mine gets to be forgotten (not by me of course) and how he goes on daily life like his situation is so stressful that he can't even begin to really process me or our situation. Am I not as important, why does this make me so angry, I act spiteful and lash out for no reason now and I feel so emotionally out of control. When he's gone I feel like my mind can wrap around the situation and I feel better, but when I see him he just says one thing that bothers me and I feel so angry I can't speak. He sees me becoming distant but doesn't know how to help, he just leaves me alone. His daughter is more important, I know that's not wrong of him, so why does it hurt so much that I can't keep this child I don't want to have or a father I feel like I don't want to be with anymore??
    can we ever make it through this or has it killed the relationship before it could really start?

  2. #2
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    I'm so sorry this has happened, no doubt very heartbreaking for you. Understandably you are really in turmoil and really hurting right now. Do you have any family (e.g. parents) that could help financially support you at all? Or could you maybe move to a smaller and cheaper apartment? Could you access any welfare benefits? It sounds to me from your post like you do want to keep this baby so have you tried to explore all possible options before getting an abortion?

    I know that it's really not a good time for your boyfriend because of the custody battles with his ex and child support and I do understand why he panicked. As you said though, he already has a child he loves and has bonded with, but you don't. I think if you really very strongly want this baby you could look into further what options you have. But keep in mind that if you decide to have the baby, you may not be able to rely on this guy financially or even emotionally. You may need to do this on your own.

    Keep in mind that your boyfriend is coming up with the option easiest for HIM. But it's not as easy for you because you're the one expecting the baby, it's inside you and understandably you are already feeling attached. Ultimately you will have to make the decision but I think you should care about your wishes too and not only what your boyfriend is saying. But I think to "trap him" with this baby is also not fair so if you keep the baby, you might have to be a single mum. Lots to think about and really evaluate here.

    All I'm trying to say is don't make any rash decisions because once you get rid of that baby, it's gone and you can't get it back.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Do what's right for you, he seems supportive and is honest about his feelings/concerns/constraints with this news coming (probably as a shock) after only 16 weeks of dating.

    Why was no birth control used? Did he lie about having a vasectomy or refuse to use condoms? He is being very honest about his concerns constraints .

    Why does he have to be "more emotional" than that, particularly since this was not planned nor desired from his end? Being matter of fact is the right thing to do. Why not seek more emotional support from friends, family, therapy, etc. if he is not responding in a way you hoped, expected or need.
    Originally Posted by Medus88321
    We have been dating for 4 months now, and we were in full swing of a powerful and happy honeymoon phase of our relationship. Until last wednesday when I found out I was pregnant.

    he has child support and his own rent, bills as well. He told me that if I truly want to keep it he would stand by me and help make it happen no matter what, but he also made his reservations and true feelings about it known as well.

    I am so torn, so broken hearted at how matter-of-fact he is about it, and how I have to be as well when I am an absolute mess inside.

  4. #4
    He's being realistic and practical but you cant see that nor are you thinking responsibly right now. You've only been together 4 months and are in no position to have a child, especially not financially. Were you not using protection? Saying that, this is your choice. He's not denying you having children of your own so it's not like this is your only shot (like you make it sound). You said that he told you he would love to have children with you one day when it was more practical. You are making out like he forcing you to do an evil thing, but he isn't. He also said he would support you if you decided to keep it. He sounds like a really great guy and I think your hormones are raging right now and you are treating him very badly for being reasonable. You are just feeling bitter because he already has a child.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It does not work like that. If the baby is born, as soon as he sees it/holds it, he'll love the baby too!

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    It does not work like that. If the baby is born, as soon as he sees it/holds it, he'll love the baby too!
    That's not the issue here. He's in the middle of a custody battle on not financially secure due to child maintenance. He's thinking practically. She can't take the leave to look after a child right now.

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    My FIL lost custody of his son, my hubby, and it was a horrific decision. My MIL is mentally unstable, and he had to grow up with such a toxic woman. I know it sucks that he's not over the moon excited about you being pregnant, but how can you get your heart into it when you've both agreed to have an abortion? You shouldn't. My heart to you, but you have your whole life ahead of you, and you do not need to stay with him. Or stay by him, even if you were friends to begin with. He's got so much going on. And so do you. But custody battles can be brutal. My buddy lost his as well, and now the mom raises their kid to hate his fiancee. It's tough. I mean, do you want to keep the baby? Keep in mind, that doesn't make a man love you. Babies are 24/7, 7 days of week. If you aren't prepared for that...I've had one when I was 30, and we broke up. Then went on to be with the love of my life, married with two kids.

    As smart as it is now, his kid is his priority.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Pull yourself together and make a decision that's best for you (forget him). I'm cutting it down to the bare bones here. You're emotional because of the hormones and the booked procedure. This is not an easy decision but stop thinking about your relationship with him. It's bareassed and non-existent at this point. Yes, he's offered to be supportive but what it really boils down to is YOU. Don't blame him for your decisions (past or present or future). Think about the baby and whether you can support a child at this time despite your other commitments. Work through it and make that decision on your own.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Pull yourself together and make a decision that's best for you (forget him). I'm cutting it down to the bare bones here. You're emotional because of the hormones and the booked procedure. This is not an easy decision but stop thinking about your relationship with him. It's bareassed and non-existent at this point. Yes, he's offered to be supportive but what it really boils down to is YOU. Don't blame him for your decisions (past or present or future). Think about the baby and whether you can support a child at this time despite your other commitments. Work through it and make that decision on your own.
    I agree with this 100%. You need to do what is best for you (and the child, should you decide to keep it). This guy seems temporary.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    The way you write makes it sound as if you want to keep this child.

    I am 100% pro choice and I believe that any woman's reasons for terminating a pregnancy are valid.

    That said, it sounds as if he has made the decision - not you. I get the impression you're going along with it partly because of your financial situation (which is not great no doubt about it), partly because you are scared at what this will do to your relationship, and partly because you're scared in general of parenthood (I get it - it's terrifying).

    But you will never be able to live with yourself if you let someone else decide what to do. If YOU know deep down you're not ready to care for this child, then going to that appointment is the right thing to do. But I encourage you to reach out to those you're close to that might show more empathy to how you are feeling. Your boyfriend doesn't know what you're going through and there's no way he ever can. To him, it's an inconvenience. To you, it's a life changing decision you're making about your body and your future.

    For me, this behavior alone would be enough to end the relationship. If he can't be caring and supportive during something as difficult as this, then you don't have a future together no matter what you decide.

    If you think about it and decide you want to keep the child, know that you will probably be doing this on your own no matter how much support he promises. If you're OK with that, then you know what you have to do.

    Remember that no matter what, this is Your decision. Don't let him, or anyone else make it for you. At the end of the day, they aren't the ones who have to go to that appointment.

    And if you choose to end the pregnancy please find someone you can talk to ad a professional to help you sort out your feelings.

    I'm not going to lecture you on birth control because that would be needlessly mean at this point. All you have is support. I hope things work out.


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