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How to build a rapport with someone who doesn't seem interested?


Grimmlager

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I met a girl who, in her bio, has a section titled "complications" which is longer than any other section of her bio. She describes PTSD and others, among her complications. The rest of her bio is golden to me, and she's definitely my type.

 

I'm trying to build a rapport with her. I think I can be patient and understanding, but she seems uninterested, and I'm conflicted. Do I put a little pressure on to try and see if the root of her disinterest is fear or stress? What if it is, and putting on the pressure makes her double down? What if the disinterest is real... now I'm just being rude and pushy.

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You say "you met a girl" does that mean you actually have been in her company or you "met" her online and have never met in person?

You say she seems "uninterested." Do you mean in chatting online with you or going out with you.

 

Why do you want to "put a little pressure" on someone who is acting "disinterested?" If they aren't showing you the interest you're showing them then don't waste your time.

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Just be cordial and gradually build friendship. If that approach doesn't work and if she continues to be disinterested, then there is your answer. She's dealing with her own PTSD issues and most likely doesn't have brain space for you nor anything or anyone else. Don't put pressure because then you'll be perceived as rude, pushy and creepy!

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We're chatting online. We've never met, but we are within a reasonable distance to actually date.

 

Thing is she doesn't seem to mind me, she talks back to me, and replies to my questions, but then stops there. It doesn't feel like she's returning the effort, but it doesn't exactly feel like she wants me gone.

 

If she really has social anxiety she may have trouble expressing herself, and may be inadvertently distancing herself. In person this would be obvious to me, but talking online is so distant and emotionless if you don't have that rapport yet.

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Honestly, if this young woman puts PTSD or mental illness in a bio for online dating, then she is warning you about herself and also feels that her identity is her illnesses. She doesn't sound like she is ready to date. No, i am not saying people shouldn't find love - there are people who are bipolar who are married, etc., but if they "lead" with their trauma or mental illness - you should steer clear as she feels that this is the biggest aspect of herself.

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Honestly, if this young woman puts PTSD or mental illness in a bio for online dating, then she is warning you about herself and also feels that her identity is her illnesses. She doesn't sound like she is ready to date. No, i am not saying people shouldn't find love - there are people who are bipolar who are married, etc., but if they "lead" with their trauma or mental illness - you should steer clear as she feels that this is the biggest aspect of herself.

 

I definitely understand that. Her profile was tasteful about it, and she definitely prefaced it as a warning. She's open and transparent about it so to me it lends her some credibility as being stable enough to date. She also had a lot more to her profile than the warning, and it definitely doesn't seem to be the root of her personality.

 

I have some education in psychology, and family members who suffer from many of the same issues.

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I definitely understand that. Her profile was tasteful about it, and she definitely prefaced it as a warning. She's open and transparent about it so to me it lends her some credibility as being stable enough to date. She also had a lot more to her profile than the warning, and it definitely doesn't seem to be the root of her personality.

 

I have some education in psychology, and family members who suffer from many of the same issues.

 

Why do you want to chase someone who puts her brokenness on display? Everyone has brokenness, but they shouldn’t lead with it.

 

Why do you want someone described as above who isn’t interested?

 

Do you want a project?

 

Do you think you deserve someone who isn’t broken?

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Why do you want to chase someone who puts her brokenness on display? Everyone has brokenness, but they shouldn’t lead with it.

 

Why do you want someone described as above who isn’t interested?

 

Do you want a project?

 

Do you think you deserve someone who isn’t broken?

 

Um, yeah, all this.

 

Here is a person you don't know, haven't met, who is showing, at best, cursory interest in you while waving red flags on a dating app, as if to say: proceed at your own risk.

 

And you're wondering what the right "move" here is?

 

Far as I know, it's the same move with anyone on an app who shows cursory interest. You keep swiping until you land on someone who, you know, wants to meet up and see what's what.

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What is this bio? Is it on a dating app? If that's the case, why not just ask her for coffee or a drink?

 

I would be reluctant to attempt a relationship with anyone whose mental health issues seem to dominate to the point she not only publicly shares it in great detail, but also dedicates a majority of space on her bio towards it. It's definitely a huge warning sign. I'm glad she's putting it out there...this is me if you want to give it a try, but it seems like walking straight into the fire. All she needs is that one person to overlook her issues.

 

If she's not interested, she's not interested. Maybe she's too nervous or slow to warm up with her issues. It's hard to say which, and if you should continue to pursue. I think asking her if she'd like to meet for a simple date, coffee, drinks, it would very clearly define what her intentions are if she declines. She may pull this "we need to text more first" situation due to her PTSD and other mental health issues, in which case you need to determine for yourself how long you'll text without meeting. No meet, no text. Don't let it drag out for weeks. Give her two weeks, maybe four, and call it a day if she refuses to meet you. If this is not a dating site and you ask her out, at least she'll be clear on your interest, and if she is equally interested, she might engage more if she knows your own intentions.

 

Be careful with this one.

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I'm curious OP, you said she continues to chat with you, how exactly is she showing disinterest?

 

Have you asked to meet in person and she declined with a lame excuse, what?

 

Or do you expect her to interact with you like other women have, text all day about meaningless crap, over-share their emotions, talk about ex-boyfriends and all their trust issues, etc etc etc? lol

 

My advice would be to ask her to meet, something light and gauge her response., and get to know her in person.

 

She may dislike chatting on line, which is why it appears she's not making the effort, when in reality she may just want to meet in person and get to know you that way.

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Well, I give her kudos for being upfront with what she is dealing with. That gives you and anyone else a chance to carry on pursuing or just give her a pass rather then she gets them all into her and invested in pursuing only to proclaim it then.

 

If you want to know if she's interested then why not just ask her out for coffee so that you can talk in person. If she declines then just next her and don't waste anymore time nurturing a chat relationship with her.

 

I have some education in psychology, and family members who suffer from many of the same issues.
Just don't go into anything with her (or anyone for that matter) thinking you can somehow save them. Leave that to her therapist(s).
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Well, I give her kudos for being upfront with what she is dealing with. That gives you and anyone else a chance to carry on pursuing or just give her a pass.

 

If you want to know if she's interested then why not just ask her out for coffee so that you can talk in person. If she declines then just next her and don't waste anymore time nurturing a chat relationship with her.

 

Yeah, that's what I just said!! :D

 

OP, have you asked to meet her in person?

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Why do you want to chase someone who puts her brokenness on display? Everyone has brokenness, but they shouldn’t lead with it.

 

Why do you want someone described as above who isn’t interested?

 

Do you want a project?

 

Do you think you deserve someone who isn’t broken?

 

This x 3... if she isn’t interested or showing interest don’t push it just let it go.

 

Some people seem to put their mental health info on their profiles thinking it’s best to be up front about that sort of thing. I don’t agree... I would like the chance to get to know someone for who they are and vice versa without dealing with the preconceived notions.

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What is this bio? Is it on a dating app? If that's the case, why not just ask her for coffee or a drink?

 

I would be reluctant to attempt a relationship with anyone whose mental health issues seem to dominate to the point she not only publicly shares it in great detail, but also dedicates a majority of space on her bio towards it. It's definitely a huge warning sign. I'm glad she's putting it out there...this is me if you want to give it a try, but it seems like walking straight into the fire. All she needs is that one person to overlook her issues.

 

If she's not interested, she's not interested. Maybe she's too nervous or slow to warm up with her issues. It's hard to say which, and if you should continue to pursue. I think asking her if she'd like to meet for a simple date, coffee, drinks, it would very clearly define what her intentions are if she declines. She may pull this "we need to text more first" situation due to her PTSD and other mental health issues, in which case you need to determine for yourself how long you'll text without meeting. No meet, no text. Don't let it drag out for weeks. Give her two weeks, maybe four, and call it a day if she refuses to meet you. If this is not a dating site and you ask her out, at least she'll be clear on your interest, and if she is equally interested, she might engage more if she knows your own intentions.

 

Be careful with this one.

 

It is on a dating app. Unfortunately I'm not above average enough to qualify for meeting without building a rapport with a woman first. If I can't carry a conversation I'm dead in the water lol.

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This x 3... if she isn’t interested or showing interest don’t push it just let it go.

 

Some people seem to put their mental health info on their profiles thinking it’s best to be up front about that sort of thing. I don’t agree... I would like the chance to get to know someone for who they are and vice versa without dealing with the preconceived notions.

 

I think it depends on the person. I would mostly agree with you because often it is used as a badge of honor, but I felt differently in this case because she chose to be up front in a way that made it apparent she was self aware.

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I think it depends on the person. I would mostly agree with you because often it is used as a badge of honor, but I felt differently in this case because she chose to be up front in a way that made it apparent she was self aware.

 

I’m self aware too. But it’s not attractive to say I rarely put my laundry away the first day I do it or I get anxiety when I leave my apartment because I’m nervous my straightener is still plugged in.

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I’m self aware too. But it’s not attractive to say I rarely put my laundry away the first day I do it or I get anxiety when I leave my apartment because I’m nervous my straightener is still plugged in.

 

Neither of those are potential relationship killers, debilitating PTSD can be. She doesn't choose to have PTSD, I can understand that and be compassionate, but knowing she has it is important because it's very difficult to deal with advanced PTSD. You have to understand anchoring. dissociation, and what fuge and panic states are. If she has regular attacks and needs an anchor you need to know that before it goes down, and an uninformed or incompassionate person might not be very tolerant about finding out later in the relationship.

 

What stood out to me the most about her bio is when she wrote out the "ideal partner" section she discussed being understanding. It sounds like she's had experiences with men being indifferent or not understanding. Common unfair criticisms. She is directly asking for someone who understands more than the surface level of what's going on with her.

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Neither of those are potential relationship killers, debilitating PTSD can be. She doesn't choose to have PTSD, I can understand that and be compassionate, but knowing she has it is important because it's very difficult to deal with advanced PTSD. You have to understand anchoring. dissociation, and what fuge and panic states are. If she has regular attacks and needs an anchor you need to know that before it goes down, and an uninformed or incompassionate person might not be very tolerant about finding out later in the relationship.

 

What stood out to me the most about her bio is when she wrote out the "ideal partner" section she discussed being understanding. It sounds like she's had experiences with men being indifferent or not understanding. Common unfair criticisms. She is directly asking for someone who understands more than the surface level of what's going on with her.

 

Clearly. I wasn’t saying my examples are debilitating. I’m trying to understand why you are TRYING to get her to like you instead of just moving on if she doesn’t.

 

I think you think you can’t get anyone unless they’re too broken for “better” people (“more worthy” of love than you feel you are)

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Are you attracted to her dating profile BECAUSE of all her issues? Like maybe you think you'd have a better chance with someone like her?

 

I definitely feel an inflated confidence because of my associated knowledge, but I related to almost everything else on her profile. I said that section was big, but I should have clarified that it didn't dominate her profile. We appear to have compatible personalities and similar hobbies but getting past the small exchanges and into an actual conversation isn't happening.

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Clearly. I wasn’t saying my examples are debilitating. I’m trying to understand why you are TRYING to get her to like you instead of just moving on if she doesn’t.

 

I think you think you can’t get anyone unless they’re too broken for “better” people (“more worthy” of love than you feel you are)

 

Ah, well I don't know if she doesn't like me is the problem. If she has social anxiety she may be distancing herself inadvertently. I'm trying to be understanding, which is a component of her profile, but I don't know how to ask her if she's avoiding talking without sounding rude or scaring her off.

 

For all I know she feels strongly too but doesn't know how to express herself. I also don't want to be too assuming. Just because I can understand her doesn't mean I am. I could be just annoying her, and overthinking this.

 

I definitely am not down on myself like that, I just see a place where I might be able to do some good for someone.

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We're chatting online. We've never met, but we are within a reasonable distance to actually date.

 

Thing is she doesn't seem to mind me, she talks back to me, and replies to my questions, but then stops there. It doesn't feel like she's returning the effort, but it doesn't exactly feel like she wants me gone.

 

If she really has social anxiety she may have trouble expressing herself, and may be inadvertently distancing herself. In person this would be obvious to me, but talking online is so distant and emotionless if you don't have that rapport yet.

 

If someone *really* has social anxiety, they may have *no* trouble expressing their opinions in writing. Or one on one. They may be apprehensive about group settings or initially accepting a date. Nothing indicates one way or the other whether she is a bored texter/just communicates when bored or is into you

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