I Keep Messing Up

This post might be long, if you read the whole thing then I thank you, but I just want to get this out of my head. My girlfriend of two years broke up with me back in early December. We are both in our first year of college and we are only 25 minutes apart, so we still got to see each other frequently. She was my first girlfriend and I thought that I was going to marry her, we would talk about moving in together and getting married and having kids. It seemed like everything was going great until the end of November, she just started acting cold towards me like she didn't want to talk. I called her in the middle of the night after a bad day and I had a panic attack on the phone with her, it got so bad that I couldn't breath and I passed out. She broke up with me that night, but we stayed in touch, which looking back I wish we hadn't, not because I didn't want to speak to her, but because it just prolonged the inevitable. We spent our entire winter break together, literally every day, and it was amazing, I fell back in love with her all over again. I thought that she felt the same because she kept making plans with me and was excited to see me, and the day after New Years she said she wanted to get back together. we spent the last week of winter break as a couple again, but the night she went back to school she was acting like she had before she came home, cold and distant. She came back the next weekend and ended things again, but then called me that night crying at 3AM and I talked to her and told her that I loved her. She said that she had bad thoughts in her head about herself and I tried to console her. She stopped crying and said she felt better, and she went back to sleep. She came over the next day and we made breakfast together and spent the day together, and I was so confused because I wanted to be with her but she broke up with me twice and was still making plans with me. When I dropped her off at her house that day she told me she loved me, and that was the last time I ever saw her. The title of this post is because looking back now I made so many mistakes. I should have gone no contact with her the night she broke up with me, I should have showed her that I loved her more during the relationship. This past weekend I made a huge mistake, I went to my friends college and when we went out to a party I couldn't stop thinking about her. I felt guilty for dancing with other girls even though we have been broken up for months now. I checked my snapchat story and saw that she was the first person to view it within 2 minutes, and I got so angry that I couldn't get her out of my head that I blocked her. She must have been monitering my social media because I woke up the next morning and she knew that I blocked her because she had blocked me back and unfollowed me on everything. I feel like . I unblocked her because I didn't really mean it anyways, it didn't help that I was blackout drunk when I decided to block her. I know now that I have blown my chance completely, if there ever was one. I want to text her and apologize but I know that wont mean anything to her and she probably blocked my number anyways so I wont. I screwed up the best thing I had in my life, and now I know that I'm out of opportunities. I just want her to know that I don't hate her and I hope she is happy, even though its without me as much as it hurts to say. I'm not 100% sure but Im about 95% sure that she has a new boyfriend, and its a guy that she told me was just her friend, so that just adds to the pain. I've decided to transfer schools to get away from my hometown for a bit and meet new people, but I wish she could see the changes Im making in my life. I've been hitting the gym, eating healthy, and I made new friends at that college I was talking about. I doubt she will ever speak to me again, but if theres one thing I could say to her it would be this; I hope that she is happy, I hope that she gets everything out of life that she's ever wanted, and I will always think highly of her and her family. I will always recall our relationship as a great time in my life, and I will always think of her as that girl I sat next to in my math class junior year that turned out to be the best decision I ever made. I still struggle with the depression, but things are certainly getting better. I will never make the mistakes that I made in that relationship again, the next relationship that I'm in will be better simply because I have learned so much about myself. I won't disguise my feelings anymore, and I'm going to keep myself accountable for my actions. I wish I could say that I feel like I have a chance to get back with her and have a new healthy relationship, but I know that I'd be fooling myself. That door has closed, and I have acknowledged my role in closing it. I will be a better person from now on, and I will never make these mistakes again, the next girl that I date is going to get the best version of me, but until then I must heal and move on.

The door closed when she ended things with you. She screwed things up, when she let you go.

The best thing you did was block. Now, you can move on. Good luck.

Oh come on now. We all mess up. There's no need to collapse like this. Pull yourself together and move forward. All break ups feel like a much larger mess than they really are in hindsight. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be a better person. I can appreciate your willingness to change but you got to let up a little. You're going to have a heart attack at 30. Start raising your middle finger a little and your bar when it comes to screening women. Everything else will fall into place.

I will suggest that you perhaps speak to someone (knowledgeable and preferably on the professional/medical side) about your anxiety attacks just in case you happen to go through one again. Take care of yourself.

You are hurting and it is very understandable.

Losing our first love can be a bit traumatic. I have to agree with Rose Mosse here... your anxiety is a concern and should be a priority for you to check on.

Focus on your studies, you are so young, you will have plenty of opportunities to date. Keep busy and take care of yourself. Do not contact her.

We have all been there... believe me, it does get better!

You are not alone

I myself have recently been through a breakup so I understand where you're coming from. You're still in the stage of self-blame, which is really not good for you. It was not your mistakes that ended this relationship - it was a combination of incompatibility and things that both of you did. It's going to be hard to stop blaming yourself, but you must. Otherwise you're going to end up down a hole of self-deprication and you might get stuck there - that is not what you want.

I would suggest that you go to the pastoral care department at college. It sounds to me like you could use some emotional support. Just in case you need to hear this - there is nothing wrong with needing some guidance to get better. It might not end up being for you, but it is 100% worth finding out.

I would also suggest practicing gratefulness. If you don't know what to do there, the advice I followed when I began was the following:

There is so much to be grateful for right in this moment. You don't feel like there is right now, but the fact you are reading this means a few things.

1) you have a working pair of eyes.

2) you received an education that allows you to read.

3) you are able to type on a computer, meaning you are able to afford these kinds of things.

... see where I'm going here?

As for your relationship with this girl... It sounds to me like you just were not ready for it. That goes to both of you. You may believe in "meant to be" or soulmates etc. If you do, there are two things to consider here: Either, you haven't found "your person" yet, or you two haven't evolved enough to be good for one another yet.

Keep your chin up, and please carry on working on yourself. You are doing exactly what is needed in order for you to be a fantastic partner for someone someday. Hold onto that. And if you need someone, reach out. Even if it's just to have a friend to listen to you. What I will tell you in advance is that you're probably gonna feel super needy and annoying, because you're gonna repeat yourself a LOT. But that's ok. You'll heal.