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DanielC

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I have a problem and I need help. I am going to start this off with a filter.

 

if you:

- believe that you only have one soulmate in life.

- can only fall 'in love' with one person.

- have never challenged or questioned societal norms.

 

Then:

- Don't bother reading on.

 

Alright, now that I have an audience which is atleast some what in a similar

mind-set to myself. I need help desperately.

 

So here is the story. I am a 25Yr old Male. I live in South Africa (which might matter).

I have dated a girl since I was 16 meaning it will be 10 years worth of a relationship

soon. I have always been the type of guy who works through problems and I am quite

understanding, so honestly, I think if you love someone and you (and your partner) have

these qualities, you could probably last for.. well a long time.

 

My parents got divorced when I was 11 and for good reason. I saw them fight and swear

at eachother on a daily basis. I never fight with my girlfriend. We are generally happy.

 

Last year I had to move cities for my job, she was going to follow me but not immediately,

only after she had found a job here. We ended up living a part for a year but I would visit

her almost every month. Things were good, I loved my job, I got to see her, friends and family

back home from time to time. But in this period a part I met another girl.

 

She is just as beautiful as my current girlfriend, you could argue a little more according to

my taste. She is also very smart (so is my current girlfriend but this girl is a bit more so).

We got a long really well and one day we were both drinking and I guess.. it just happened. I

cheated. It was just a kiss at first, but then we would go out another day and it would happen

again and it wasn't too long before we ended up sleeping together.

 

Look, I'm not proud of all of this and in fact I think I am a terrible person. Anyway, because

I lived apart from my girlfriend and I only saw her from time to time, I had convinced myself

that this was all just a small fling and that it didn't really mean anything. I had no intention

of telling or breaking up with my girlfriend for this girl. But then over time we really started

liking eachother and the sex was amazing. Let's be honest, if it was bad I probably wouldn't have

continued.

 

6 months had gone by and it was now December. Reality was really kicking in because my girlfriend

was going to move up and in with me in January. In December as well was when it was announced that

this other girl loved me. I thought about it for a while and I announced it too. By our definition

(and me and this girl have discussed it before) love is really just a deep sense of care for someone.

We both didn't really believe in the whole fairy tale 'I am inlove with you' bull , cse that 'level'

of love is just a subjective choice that varys from person to person. What is important is the happiness

that person brings and your deep care for that person. Anyway I digress.

 

The point is, here I am stuck in a frekkin situation where I love two girls. I mean right now this new

girl makes me a bit happier than my actual girlfriend but it's not a fair measure. You can't expect things

to be just as good 10 years down the line, right? So I really just can't make a decision that I feel

confident about.

 

I recently told my girlfriend that I needed to take a break because I felt like I wasn't sure if we were

happy together or just comfortable. After all, we have been dating for 10 years and we really haven't

gotten the chance to feel what it's like to be alone.. But this break was agreed to only last about 3 weeks

(which I know is probably too little time). The thing is that we live together and it's difficult to make a

decision to sell our house just to test out a break. She also has no friends of her own here since she just

got here. So it would be really really hard on her if she were alone for a couple of months. In fact she has

already indicated that if we needed to take a long break or if we broke up, she would move overseas to where

her parents are. The other girl has also pretty much given me an ultimatum and said that, if I don't choose

her then we can't be firends or see eachother anymore because it would be too hard for her. I am absolutely

torn because I don't want to lose either person that I love. In fact I swear I am falling into depression.

 

Please guys, just help where you can. ANY advice would be helpful. Feel free to ask questions. And before you

guys tell me to tell my girlfriend about the other girl, know that I won't. I know that it would destroy our

relationship going forward and I know that it is wrong of me but I really just can't.

 

Thanks in advance.

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Do your girlfriend of 10 years a massive favor and let her move on with her life. Don't leave her on the hook. She deserves better than you.

 

You are choosing a relationship based on looks, lust, and perceived intelligence. I honestly hope the cheating comes back to bite you.

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I think you have let this lie go way too far.

 

You have allowed your girlfriend to move knowing you were falling for this other girl.

 

How long have you known this other chick ? were you honest with her about you having a girlfriend from the start???... if so, that should tell you a lot about her if she knew this and went along with it anyway imo

 

Take ownership of what you have done and choose.

 

Did you know that cheating on someone can seriously damage their self esteem?, I would say break up with your girlfriend of 10 years as you would be doing HER a favor.

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And before you

guys tell me to tell my girlfriend about the other girl, know that I won't. I know that it would destroy our

relationship going forward and I know that it is wrong of me but I really just can't.

 

Then you're doing her a major disservice. This isn't just about your relationship with your GF -it's also about HER relationship with YOU. Her feelings also matter, just as much as yours. With this in mind, if you love her, then you should respect her and give her all the information. Let her be armed with that knowledge that you knowingly cheated on her and violated her trust in you.

 

If you truly can't tell her -then you didn't truly 'love' her after all. It was a selfish love based on what you needed with little to no consideration of what she would want.

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Hey OP

 

You know it’s wrong and trying to justify reasons why you can skirt around what you’re doing, is only making things worse.

 

You need to break up with current girlfriend. What you’re doing playing musical hearts is really very cruel.

 

The worst is for it’s your own selfish intentions.

 

I suggest you look outside the box and see the bigger picture of what is happening and how you would feel if roles were reversed.

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So... the situation is that you relocated for your job, leaving your girlfriend behind. Then you start a relationship with another girl - really, whether it was supposed to be a fling or something more serious is irrelevant. It's still cheating. So... you then let this situation continue for six months, while your girlfriend is preparing to turn her life upside down to join you in a place where she doesn't know anyone.

 

Meanwhile, you're still seeing this other girl behind your girlfriend's back. She's completely aware that you've been cheating all this time, and has now issued an ultimatum. Rather than being honest with your girlfriend, though, you've given her some bull**** about needing a break because you've been together so long, and you need time alone. Not that you have any intention of being alone, mind - it's just that you don't want to be honest with her because it would ruin your future plans to have both these women in your life. And... IT WOULD BE INCONVENIENT TO SELL THE HOUSE!!!

 

I doubt you'd do it, but it would actually be a good idea to have some time alone. It would give you a bit of time and space to grow some cojones.

 

I guess you have a choice, though. You can either man up and be honest with girlfriend No.1, who will probably end the relationship and return to her parents. Or, you can do nothing, and girl No.2 will ditch you anyway.

 

Just out of interest, what would your advice be to some other guy who had been behaving the way you have?

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ANY advice would be helpful. And before you guys tell me to tell my girlfriend about the other girl, know that I won't. I know that it would destroy our relationship going forward and I know that it is wrong of me but I really just can't.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but you are being incredibly selfish! It's all about YOU, having what YOU want (both girls) - me, me, me. You're just trying to save your own a... How can you go forward in your relationship when you're having an affair and love another girl? Really???

 

You want your cake and eat it too. Did I say selfish?

 

Do your girlfriend a great big favour and end it already. She deserves to know the truth after being together with you for so long. But will you have the balls to man up? I doubt it, because as long as you have what you want (both girls), you'll keep quiet, right? Hopefully you'll prove us wrong and do the right and decent and honourable thing by manning up and telling the truth.

 

Then stay single for a good long while so as to sort yourself out. At least being single you can date around as much as you want to without messing around behind your girlfriend's back who you claim to "love".

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Hi Daniel, sounds like you've got a lot of filters and stipulations there and you're gunning for a clear shot at an answer you'd like to hear.

 

Look, you're so obstinate it seems that nothing that anyone says will probably help you. You just don't seem like that kind of guy(or person) who will take anyone's advice. My best thought to you is to pick what you feel is right. Maybe it's you that needs to go overseas and do some soul searching. I mean this in the kindest possible way. Clear your head, enjoy the breeze.... chill out and stop with all these lady problems. Find other things to be happy about and then revisit dating again when you're in a better head space.

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The point is, here I am stuck in a frekkin situation where I love two girls. I mean right now this new

girl makes me a bit happier than my actual girlfriend but it's not a fair measure. You can't expect things

to be just as good 10 years down the line, right? So I really just can't make a decision that I feel

confident about.

If this new girl knew that you were in a relationship but she went ahead and effed you anyway, then is that really the type of women you want? Neither of you have any integrity or romantic relationship boundaries in place so maybe she IS the better match for you.

 

I will say that I understand that you can fall (or think you have fallen) for more than one person at a time, if it weren't possible then no emotional affair would ever take place, however that is neither here nor there. What a person who is in a relationship that is SUPPOSE to be monogamous does when they feel an attraction develop, they don't keep hanging out with that person, they distance themselves so that the infatuation and lust doesn't grow into love.

 

I think it's shameful that you brought your g/f there, away from the job she had, the friends and any family when you were carrying on with this other woman the way you were...a woman that has no girl-code whatsoever. You did tell her that you were in a long term committed relationship before you took this to level its at, right?

 

Things are likely to never be the same as they were with your long term girlfriend... you've sullied that now and your g/f will feel the wedge you've place between the emotional connection you once enjoyed with her. Let her go now so she can get on with finding someone new. She will be crushed but not half as bad when/if she finds out how you betrayed her and then let her move when you were carrying on with someone else. You and the other girl deserve one another and I suspect it won't be long before some other guy is doing what you did with her. When you have no romantic relationship boundaries in place (and she doesn't nor do you) then history is bound to repeat itself.

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You talk about challenging societal norms but in reality, all you are doing is lying and cheating your way through life... to your partners and to yourself... which happens to be a pretty “normal” behaviour for a lot of people.

 

If you really want to challenge the norms of society... declare your desire to be in an open relationship and be honest about your desires with your partners. You don’t seem to want to be in a monogamous relationship... maybe you need to be honest with yourself about what you DO want.

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You can be with more than one person at the same time but it's called "polyamory" and basically all polyamory is very up front and transparent, where all people know what everyone is doing. It's called "ethical non-monogamy". If you genuinely believe that you prefer a lifestyle where you're with two or more people, then you need to create that life for yourself first.

 

If you've been in a ten year monogamous relationship but now you want to be poly, by all means you can do that, but you would have had to tell your girlfriend straight up what you were doing and give her a choice. As much as you're telling yourself that you're "challenging societal norms", you're not. You're just cheating and that's what it's called.

 

But all that aside, even from a practical perspective you just can't carry on with both girls because the affair girl will dump you if you don't choose her. And if you continue the affair your girlfriend will find out pretty soon because she lives with you. And you said she's smart so I'm sure she already suspects something. So either you choose which girl you want, or they will choose for you.

 

Personally it sounds to me like you are not really that invested in your girlfriend anymore. I mean, you were supposed to be in the new place waiting for her to move to you, but instead you had an affair for six months. Doesn't really sound to me like you particularly care about your girlfriend that much because you didn't really care how it would affect her. It seems to me like you were getting a bit bored of her and went after the next "shiny new thing".

 

I think part of the reason for this might be because you committed to a serious relationship at such a young age and haven't really "played the field". If you want to do that though, you will have to end it with your girlfriend.

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Sorry but you don't deserve any help. You have an utter cheek to ask for it with the way you're behaving. Do what others say, tell your gf the truth before she makes that move. It's unfair of her to let her uproot her life for you while you are off banging another woman. I really hope all this comes back to bite you in the ass. you are utterly despicable. You also know nothing about women or love. You are nothing but a cheating disrespectful low life piece of scum comparing one girl to another like that.

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Sorry but you don't deserve any help. You have an utter cheek to ask for it with the way you're behaving. Do what others say, tell your gf the truth before she makes that move. It's unfair of her to let her uproot her life for you while you are off banging another woman. I really hope all this comes back to bite you in the ass. you are utterly despicable. You also know nothing about women or love. You are nothing but a cheating disrespectful low life piece of scum comparing one girl to another like that.

 

Unfortunately she already moved. He let her move in knowing she knew no one but him in his area and despite his cheating.

 

OP, no, I have no advice for how you can selfishly keep both women. And no, this is not bravely going against societal norms. It's just selfishness. Tell your alleged girlfriend so she can move back home.

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Unfortunately she already moved. He let her move in knowing she knew no one but him in his area and despite his cheating.

 

OP, no, I have no advice for how you can selfishly keep both women. And no, this is not bravely going against societal norms. It's just selfishness. Tell your alleged girlfriend so she can move back home.

 

Aw then he's even worse for actually letting her make the move. I cant believe anyone could be so selfish. What a horrible disgusting person he is. I know exactly what he's going to do. He's going to keep both but this will inevitably blow up in face when she finds out. Women have a way of finding these things out ;)

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His cheating partner already gave him an ultimatum. What would be poetic justice would be if the cheating partner woman told his girlfriend. Then they can both ditch him.

 

The OP is most likely gone. Guess there are not enough brave societal norm challengers on this forum.

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I suspect, based on your quasi-lofty tone of wounded arrogance, along with the very sound but hard-for-an-arrogantly-wounded-man-to-hear advice you're getting, that we're unlikely to hear from you. Hoping I'm wrong, that you at least have the stones to look some anonymous internet people in the eye, herewith some thoughts:

 

As long as you continue to take comfort in the idea that you are a "terrible person" you will continue to give yourself a free pass to behave terribly, and treat people terribly along the way. You're treating three people terribly right now—your gf first and foremost, followed by your lover, and, of course, yourself. All this talk of love? It's actually, given your actions, self-hated wearing some makeup and a decent a suit.

 

On some deep core level—this is the stuff for therapy, which you need—I suspect you are taking pleasure in affirming this self-identity of you as a terrible person. You're romanticizing your own "terrible" pathology, using romance to fuel the story, and hurting people to keep the narrative alive. You can make that a lifelong pursuit, and keep burning up others and yourself, or you can change course.

 

Because newsflash: you're not a terrible person, or at least you don't have to be, and I'm not going to give you the easy out of confirming your terrible nature. You're not special enough to be "terrible." You're just a person, one who has made a big mess of his life, something a lot of people do along the way. Get a little humble—start thinking of yourself as a speck of dust and other people as bigger than you—and you can find a way out of this.

 

Time to stop behaving terribly, in short. Time to stop pretending this is all so complicated, because from the bleacher seats it's all pretty simple: you've outgrown your relationship with your gf, didn't have the stones to own that, had an affair instead, and now you don't have the stones to do much of anything. That's where you are and where you are, right now.

 

Well, grow some stones. The real ones, the ones you need to be a truly good man and partner—those might take a few more years to drop. Those are the ones that would have prevented you from turning an errant kiss into sex, from turning sex into some love/lust romance you clearly know will probably fizzle out the moment the subversive edge is removed, from continually leaning into darkness and calling it light. Those are the stones required to be honest with your gf about what's going on, to understand that honesty is the ultimate expression of love, even if it means losing love, and to understand that other people—their needs, their hearts, their selves—are as valuable as you.

 

But, alas, you're not there yet. In telling us, in a controlling and patronizing manner, that you're not ready to be honest with your gf you are, no two ways about it, telling us you are not ready to be a man. So it goes. You're youngish yet. But some boys grow old and die without becoming men—just know that.

 

So, working within your framework: grow some mini-stones and break up. Don't tell her about the affair, but just let her go. Like, for real. Let her get over you, which she will, and meet someone better, which she will. Let her hate you, if she needs to. If you have a shred of genuine compassion and love for her, that's the only way to show it with the dull, rusty, limited tools you're working with.

 

And after that?

 

Well, I'd challenge you to keep growing stones by spending some time alone, to get to know yourself, who you are and what you want, so you're not using women, sex, romance, and "love" to gauge who you are, to affirm either your self-identity as a great man or a terrible one. But you might need to get into an "official" relationship with your tempestuous lover and get tangled up in another knot to get there. Fine. You can come here on the cusp of turning 30 with that mess—and then, who knows, maybe start growing those real stones in your 30s so you can be the sort of man you're currently using women to pretend you are.

 

And, hey? As others have said, if the man you want to be is someone who loves and/or sleeps with multiple people at once—you can do that, no judgement! Just own it, no different than the way monogamous people own being monogamous, gay people own being gay, and so on. I've dabbled in some of that myself in trying to learn who I am, all in the open, and it can be fun and interesting and, when everyone's being honest, not super corrosive to the spirits. Not terrible, not special, just one of a zillion ways to live a life with integrity.

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This another example of why LDR's rarely work. You have to see each other often for a relationship to work.

 

He's not really cheating, he just moved on to another woman, because the first was not available (she's not there).

 

I suppose you could argue that he should have known better not to leave her, and to tell her and breakup with her when he got serious with the other girl.

 

The current girlfriend is a saint to stay with you when you have another girlfriend. marry her, lol

 

So tell the first girlfriend you are sorry but you met someone. It's important to tell you have a girlfriend so that she looses interest - it will actually ease her pain in the long run if she thinks it's her own idea to drop you - and another woman is grounds for dismissal. do it right away so she can move on with her life as quickly as possible.

 

Don't feel guilty about this - LDR's are lame, I would not call it cheating to move on to a real relationship with someone you can see face-to-face. It's only natural.

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This another example of why LDR's rarely work. You have to see each other often for a relationship to work.

 

He's not really cheating, he just moved on to another woman, because the first was not available (she's not there).

 

I suppose you could argue that he should have known better not to leave her, and to tell her and breakup with her when he got serious with the other girl.

 

The current girlfriend is a saint to stay with you when you have another girlfriend. marry her, lol

 

So tell the first girlfriend you are sorry but you met someone. It's important to tell you have a girlfriend so that she looses interest - it will actually ease her pain in the long run if she thinks it's her own idea to drop you - and another woman is grounds for dismissal. do it right away so she can move on with her life as quickly as possible.

 

Don't feel guilty about this - LDR's are lame, I would not call it cheating to move on to a real relationship with someone you can see face-to-face. It's only natural.

 

Um, Gary sorry, but have you read the original post carefully? The OP said that his actual girlfriend of ten years was always going to move to him, but he was just waiting for her to come. Then six months later she DID actually move to him and now they live together. So it wasn't exactly a long distance relationship because they were together for TEN years in person and then she actually moved to another country just to be with him.

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This another example of why LDR's rarely work. You have to see each other often for a relationship to work.

 

He's not really cheating, he just moved on to another woman, because the first was not available (she's not there).

 

I suppose you could argue that he should have known better not to leave her, and to tell her and breakup with her when he got serious with the other girl.

 

The current girlfriend is a saint to stay with you when you have another girlfriend. marry her, lol

 

So tell the first girlfriend you are sorry but you met someone. It's important to tell you have a girlfriend so that she looses interest - it will actually ease her pain in the long run if she thinks it's her own idea to drop you - and another woman is grounds for dismissal. do it right away so she can move on with her life as quickly as possible.

 

Don't feel guilty about this - LDR's are lame, I would not call it cheating to move on to a real relationship with someone you can see face-to-face. It's only natural.

 

Gary, sorry but what planet do you live on? Just because she's not in the same city as him means its not cheating? You think its OK to sleep with other woman just because she's not physically there? Seriously? It doesn't matter where your GF is, its 100% CHEATING. His GF is now there with him so what do you call that? He should feel very guilty and i hope he pays in a big way.

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