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Thread: I need help

  1. #1

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    I need help

    I have a problem and I need help. I am going to start this off with a filter.

    if you:
    - believe that you only have one soulmate in life.
    - can only fall 'in love' with one person.
    - have never challenged or questioned societal norms.

    Then:
    - Don't bother reading on.

    Alright, now that I have an audience which is atleast some what in a similar
    mind-set to myself. I need help desperately.

    So here is the story. I am a 25Yr old Male. I live in South Africa (which might matter).
    I have dated a girl since I was 16 meaning it will be 10 years worth of a relationship
    soon. I have always been the type of guy who works through problems and I am quite
    understanding, so honestly, I think if you love someone and you (and your partner) have
    these qualities, you could probably last for.. well a long time.

    My parents got divorced when I was 11 and for good reason. I saw them fight and swear
    at eachother on a daily basis. I never fight with my girlfriend. We are generally happy.

    Last year I had to move cities for my job, she was going to follow me but not immediately,
    only after she had found a job here. We ended up living a part for a year but I would visit
    her almost every month. Things were good, I loved my job, I got to see her, friends and family
    back home from time to time. But in this period a part I met another girl.

    She is just as beautiful as my current girlfriend, you could argue a little more according to
    my taste. She is also very smart (so is my current girlfriend but this girl is a bit more so).
    We got a long really well and one day we were both drinking and I guess.. it just happened. I
    cheated. It was just a kiss at first, but then we would go out another day and it would happen
    again and it wasn't too long before we ended up sleeping together.

    Look, I'm not proud of all of this and in fact I think I am a terrible person. Anyway, because
    I lived apart from my girlfriend and I only saw her from time to time, I had convinced myself
    that this was all just a small fling and that it didn't really mean anything. I had no intention
    of telling or breaking up with my girlfriend for this girl. But then over time we really started
    liking eachother and the sex was amazing. Let's be honest, if it was bad I probably wouldn't have
    continued.

    6 months had gone by and it was now December. Reality was really kicking in because my girlfriend
    was going to move up and in with me in January. In December as well was when it was announced that
    this other girl loved me. I thought about it for a while and I announced it too. By our definition
    (and me and this girl have discussed it before) love is really just a deep sense of care for someone.
    We both didn't really believe in the whole fairy tale 'I am inlove with you' bull , cse that 'level'
    of love is just a subjective choice that varys from person to person. What is important is the happiness
    that person brings and your deep care for that person. Anyway I digress.

    The point is, here I am stuck in a frekkin situation where I love two girls. I mean right now this new
    girl makes me a bit happier than my actual girlfriend but it's not a fair measure. You can't expect things
    to be just as good 10 years down the line, right? So I really just can't make a decision that I feel
    confident about.

    I recently told my girlfriend that I needed to take a break because I felt like I wasn't sure if we were
    happy together or just comfortable. After all, we have been dating for 10 years and we really haven't
    gotten the chance to feel what it's like to be alone.. But this break was agreed to only last about 3 weeks
    (which I know is probably too little time). The thing is that we live together and it's difficult to make a
    decision to sell our house just to test out a break. She also has no friends of her own here since she just
    got here. So it would be really really hard on her if she were alone for a couple of months. In fact she has
    already indicated that if we needed to take a long break or if we broke up, she would move overseas to where
    her parents are. The other girl has also pretty much given me an ultimatum and said that, if I don't choose
    her then we can't be firends or see eachother anymore because it would be too hard for her. I am absolutely
    torn because I don't want to lose either person that I love. In fact I swear I am falling into depression.

    Please guys, just help where you can. ANY advice would be helpful. Feel free to ask questions. And before you
    guys tell me to tell my girlfriend about the other girl, know that I won't. I know that it would destroy our
    relationship going forward and I know that it is wrong of me but I really just can't.

    Thanks in advance.

  2. #2
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    Do your girlfriend of 10 years a massive favor and let her move on with her life. Don't leave her on the hook. She deserves better than you.

    You are choosing a relationship based on looks, lust, and perceived intelligence. I honestly hope the cheating comes back to bite you.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    I think you have let this lie go way too far.

    You have allowed your girlfriend to move knowing you were falling for this other girl.

    How long have you known this other chick ? were you honest with her about you having a girlfriend from the start???... if so, that should tell you a lot about her if she knew this and went along with it anyway imo

    Take ownership of what you have done and choose.

    Did you know that cheating on someone can seriously damage their self esteem?, I would say break up with your girlfriend of 10 years as you would be doing HER a favor.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    And before you
    guys tell me to tell my girlfriend about the other girl, know that I won't. I know that it would destroy our
    relationship going forward and I know that it is wrong of me but I really just can't.
    Then you're doing her a major disservice. This isn't just about your relationship with your GF -it's also about HER relationship with YOU. Her feelings also matter, just as much as yours. With this in mind, if you love her, then you should respect her and give her all the information. Let her be armed with that knowledge that you knowingly cheated on her and violated her trust in you.

    If you truly can't tell her -then you didn't truly 'love' her after all. It was a selfish love based on what you needed with little to no consideration of what she would want.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    And FWIW I do believe there is more than one soulmate in life. But I also believe that you need to respect each of them. And if you respect someone, you don't lie or cheat on them.

  7. #6
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    Hey OP

    You know itís wrong and trying to justify reasons why you can skirt around what youíre doing, is only making things worse.

    You need to break up with current girlfriend. What youíre doing playing musical hearts is really very cruel.

    The worst is for itís your own selfish intentions.

    I suggest you look outside the box and see the bigger picture of what is happening and how you would feel if roles were reversed.

  8. #7
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    So... the situation is that you relocated for your job, leaving your girlfriend behind. Then you start a relationship with another girl - really, whether it was supposed to be a fling or something more serious is irrelevant. It's still cheating. So... you then let this situation continue for six months, while your girlfriend is preparing to turn her life upside down to join you in a place where she doesn't know anyone.

    Meanwhile, you're still seeing this other girl behind your girlfriend's back. She's completely aware that you've been cheating all this time, and has now issued an ultimatum. Rather than being honest with your girlfriend, though, you've given her some bull**** about needing a break because you've been together so long, and you need time alone. Not that you have any intention of being alone, mind - it's just that you don't want to be honest with her because it would ruin your future plans to have both these women in your life. And... IT WOULD BE INCONVENIENT TO SELL THE HOUSE!!!

    I doubt you'd do it, but it would actually be a good idea to have some time alone. It would give you a bit of time and space to grow some cojones.

    I guess you have a choice, though. You can either man up and be honest with girlfriend No.1, who will probably end the relationship and return to her parents. Or, you can do nothing, and girl No.2 will ditch you anyway.

    Just out of interest, what would your advice be to some other guy who had been behaving the way you have?

  9. #8
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DanielC
    ANY advice would be helpful. And before you guys tell me to tell my girlfriend about the other girl, know that I won't. I know that it would destroy our relationship going forward and I know that it is wrong of me but I really just can't.
    Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but you are being incredibly selfish! It's all about YOU, having what YOU want (both girls) - me, me, me. You're just trying to save your own a... How can you go forward in your relationship when you're having an affair and love another girl? Really???

    You want your cake and eat it too. Did I say selfish?

    Do your girlfriend a great big favour and end it already. She deserves to know the truth after being together with you for so long. But will you have the balls to man up? I doubt it, because as long as you have what you want (both girls), you'll keep quiet, right? Hopefully you'll prove us wrong and do the right and decent and honourable thing by manning up and telling the truth.

    Then stay single for a good long while so as to sort yourself out. At least being single you can date around as much as you want to without messing around behind your girlfriend's back who you claim to "love".

  10. #9
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Hi Daniel, sounds like you've got a lot of filters and stipulations there and you're gunning for a clear shot at an answer you'd like to hear.

    Look, you're so obstinate it seems that nothing that anyone says will probably help you. You just don't seem like that kind of guy(or person) who will take anyone's advice. My best thought to you is to pick what you feel is right. Maybe it's you that needs to go overseas and do some soul searching. I mean this in the kindest possible way. Clear your head, enjoy the breeze.... chill out and stop with all these lady problems. Find other things to be happy about and then revisit dating again when you're in a better head space.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    The point is, here I am stuck in a frekkin situation where I love two girls. I mean right now this new
    girl makes me a bit happier than my actual girlfriend but it's not a fair measure. You can't expect things
    to be just as good 10 years down the line, right? So I really just can't make a decision that I feel
    confident about.
    If this new girl knew that you were in a relationship but she went ahead and effed you anyway, then is that really the type of women you want? Neither of you have any integrity or romantic relationship boundaries in place so maybe she IS the better match for you.

    I will say that I understand that you can fall (or think you have fallen) for more than one person at a time, if it weren't possible then no emotional affair would ever take place, however that is neither here nor there. What a person who is in a relationship that is SUPPOSE to be monogamous does when they feel an attraction develop, they don't keep hanging out with that person, they distance themselves so that the infatuation and lust doesn't grow into love.

    I think it's shameful that you brought your g/f there, away from the job she had, the friends and any family when you were carrying on with this other woman the way you were...a woman that has no girl-code whatsoever. You did tell her that you were in a long term committed relationship before you took this to level its at, right?

    Things are likely to never be the same as they were with your long term girlfriend... you've sullied that now and your g/f will feel the wedge you've place between the emotional connection you once enjoyed with her. Let her go now so she can get on with finding someone new. She will be crushed but not half as bad when/if she finds out how you betrayed her and then let her move when you were carrying on with someone else. You and the other girl deserve one another and I suspect it won't be long before some other guy is doing what you did with her. When you have no romantic relationship boundaries in place (and she doesn't nor do you) then history is bound to repeat itself.

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