She still wants me in her life but isn't ready.

Long story. She had been dating a guy for two years and it ended badly. About a month later, we met. We dated for a month, then she told me she lost a connection to me. I’ve come to realize, I was the rebound. I get that. I talked with her more about it and I feel like she’s scared to “love” again because she might feel like all relationships will end badly. She told me that she still wants me in her life. Being honest, her friend and I are the ONLY people she ever talks to. She was scared to lose "an amazing person." She felt really awful for what she did because she said she never wanted to hurt me and that she only wants people to be happy. Which I get, I think we all do. She always felt like she didn't deserve any of the love I gave her, and that I was too good for her. I attributed that to her bad break-up.

Where I’m confused is that she says that she misses talking to me and calling me and that she still wants to talk to me. But in her mind, she not “okay.” She says that she’s conflicted; that she wants someone there and she wants that person to be me and that she still wants to be with me. She’s just really scared and unsure. I told her that I’m there for her and that I’m willing to wait, and she said that she’s truly grateful for that and that she doesn’t get how someone could be so understanding.

Is there anything that I am missing? Any insight would be really appreciated. I’m just very confused.

Here's some insight. All of the BS about being 'scared to love again,' and how she didn't deserve the love you gave her and you were too good for her....it's all world class bullsh*t.

She told you she lost a connection to you. That should have been your first and only indication that she didn't want you for a boyfriend. Saying she still wants you in her life, blah blah blah, is just a way to let you down easy and keep you around for company until someone she really likes comes along.

Please don't allow that. Tell her you're not interested in friendship, wish her luck, and move on.

So you just met this person, you were her rebound guy for a month.

When people say stuff like this, to me is all bull sh*t "she didn't deserve any of the love I gave her, and that I was too good for her" . because if this were true, she would break up with you clean, no hopes of "I want you in my life"

She is obviously recovering from her breakup. Why do you have to be there for her?? you only dated 1 month.

Do yourself a favor and get away from this situation.

Would you recommend I tell her that we should have no contact for a while to see how she truly feels? I feel like I'm being played with now after reading your responses and it's utterly heartbreaking.

Classic “I don’t deserve you and you are too good for me” situation.

The only thing that you wrote is what she thinks and what she wants. I think that you need to consider what you want from a woman with whom you are in a relationship (your needs, your wants). Consider what are your criteria, which are the qualities you want a woman to have in order for you to want her as your partner.

Then consider if this woman meets your needs, wants and criteria and act accordingly.

Ah and - don't be friendzoned. You are close to it.

"you are too good for me" and all the other bs translation: I'm not into you, but my fragile post break up ego loves the boost you are giving me, so I want to retain that ego stroking attention without actually being in a relationship with you or giving anything back to you really. One way street only.

Don't be a doormat, OP. Also, raise your standards in what you will and will not accept from a woman.

Would you recommend I tell her that we should have no contact for a while to see how she truly feels? I feel like I'm being played with now after reading your responses and it's utterly heartbreaking.

Tell her that you have feelings for her and you think it would be too painful to hang around her as just a friend.

Are you really wanting to be her 'friend' and then deal with her dating someone else?

Tell her that you have feelings for her and you think it would be too painful to hang around her as just a friend.

 

Are you really wanting to be her 'friend' and then deal with her dating someone else?

"you are too good for me" and all the other bs translation: I'm not into you, but my fragile post break up ego loves the boost you are giving me, so I want to retain that ego stroking attention without actually being in a relationship with you or giving anything back to you really. One way street only.

 

Don't be a doormat, OP. Also, raise your standards in what you will and will not accept from a woman.

I told her this;

I have this lurking feeling that you’re just trying to let me down easy.

If it is I need you to tell me straight up, you won’t hurt my feelings. I don’t want to be some guy just to make you feel good but not be in a relationship until someone you actually like comes along.

I could be wrong and you could genuinely still want something with me but if you seriously don’t I need to know.

And if you don’t know the answer to that, I suggest we not talk for a while so you do know.

I told her this;

 

I have this lurking feeling that you’re just trying to let me down easy.

 

If it is I need you to tell me straight up, you won’t hurt my feelings. I don’t want to be some guy just to make you feel good but not be in a relationship until someone you actually like comes along.

 

I could be wrong and you could genuinely still want something with me but if you seriously don’t I need to know.

 

And if you don’t know the answer to that, I suggest we not talk for a while so you do know.

You sound like a nice man.

I can bet you 100 bucks right now that she'll be dating someone else pretty soon.

Let us know what she responds and take care!

Yes my friend shes playing you like a fiddle i'm sorry to say. Get out and save your self respect. Focus on enjoying your own life and you will meet someone else decent in no time. You sound like a good guy.

OP, sorry to be blunt but after dating you a month, she realized she's not attracted to you.

She loves the attention you give her though, and may like leaning on you, but please be clear - you're an "orbiter" until she either gets back with her ex (likely) or finds another man she is attracted to.

There is no way on god's green earth she or any woman would say all that to you and end things if she were attracted to you. Again, I know that hurts to hear but that's what's happening.

Anything else is just noise and/or you projecting your feelings on her.

I think sending her that note was a mistake.

Don't ever allow a woman who dumped you to have that sort of power over you, she won't respect you.

You simply wish her well and move on.

If she changes her mind, she knows where to find you, but even then I'd be cautious and not go back so easily.

You sound like a nice man.

 

I can bet you 100 bucks right now that she'll be dating someone else pretty soon.

 

Let us know what she responds and take care!

I am so beyond confused. 80% of me believes she is truly unsure and might still want something. I really care about her and I can tell she's sorry. It hurts me so much. I'm so lost.

I would cut your losses and go no contact, OP.

She misses the familiarity of being in a relationship, having someone to talk to, having someone to pay attention to her. She knows you're a good guy. But, she knows she doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about her.

Whether it's because she misses her ex too much or because she's just not feeling it with you doesn't really change the bottom line. The same if she really is too scared to date again. She isn't in a place to date you and there is no guarantee she will ever get there - with you.

Clearly the convo was making her uncomfortable, hence why she had "to go."

She just cut you off, no lets talk later, nothing.

She sounds like one of those women who cannot simply tell a man she's not interested.

She thinks she's being kind by what she's doing, but in the long run it's more hurtful because it keeps you hanging on when she knows perfectly well she doesn't want anything beyond friendship and never will, with you.

It's hurtful and selfish.

Being "confused" or not sure of her feelings, I am a woman and we don't operate that way especially when we're attracted to a man!

She's not. I'm so sorry but please wish her well and go no contact.

Do not wait around for her to "make up her mind." Or anything else, block her if you can and just move on.

It's wrong of her to string you along like this. Cut your losses now.

Katrina is right. Women don't operate like that. When we are attracted to a man, we rearrange everything in our lives to be with him. She doesn't want you, dude.

I am so beyond confused. 80% of me believes she is truly unsure and might still want something. I really care about her and I can tell she's sorry. It hurts me so much. I'm so lost.

I'm sorry lmichels

Everyone else seems to agree and seeing her actual words confirms what I was thinking. This chick is not into you. Move on and focus your energy on someone who reciprocates your interest.

Thanks for sharing, I hope you get closure... It sucks to be rejected... we've all been there

I'm sorry lmichels

 

Everyone else seems to agree and seeing her actual words confirms what I was thinking. This chick is not into you. Move on and focus your energy on someone who reciprocates your interest.

 

Thanks for sharing, I hope you get closure... It sucks to be rejected... we've all been there

I thank you guys for the help. I would feel SO much better if she would just tell me this. Why can't she tell me?

I thank you guys for the help. I would feel SO much better if she would just tell me this. Why can't she tell me?

My feel is that she is just not attracted to you and she cannot tell you because she can't be that "bad" person.

I was in a similar situation when I was young. This very nice guy I dated for a few weeks and he wanted a relationship with me, but I didn't feel sexual chemistry with him. So I acted cold with him and when he confronted me I made up excuses as to why I couldn't be in a relationship with him at the moment, busy, etc. It was all a lie , and I am not proud of that, I was immature then. I wanted to tell him I am not attracted to you but I was a chicken.

Ugh those texts from her were so manipulative! Poor me, feel sorry for me, look how broken I am.... it’s all a smoke screen for her not being into you anymore.

She can tell you, she doesn’t want to. She is waiting for you to make the decision to end it. And as soon as you decide you don’t want to deal with this anymore you will likely see a whole other side of her.

Sorry for all this, buddy.

But basically no one comes right out and says that they're not "into" you. Not because they are malicious, but because people are just complicated. She is, at best, "sorta" into you—sorta into whatever you guys did, sorta into some idea that you're, who knows, maybe kinda sorta the type of dude she "should" be with, if only her head were on straight.

Or something. Doesn't matter. Yawn. She's in pure damsel mode—the least cute look for women—and her head's just spinning right now, stuck to her shoulders with a rubber band.

Here's where you learn to approach all this from a different angle, which is what do you want. Do you want a wishy-washy erratic princess who is hung up on an ex, feeling lamely guilty for desiring dudes who aren't you, asking you to soothe that guilt, to be there while she scratches itches she doesn't even understand? My suspicion is no, you don't want that. And so you see what she's offering—that—and you move along.

See what I'm saying? It doesn't even matter if she's "genuinely" unsure and still kinda wanting something, or if she "genuinely" is just not into you, because what she has to offer you—well, it flat-out sucks. It's a drain.

Sorry for all this, buddy.

 

But basically no one comes right out and says that they're not "into" you. Not because they are malicious, but because people are just complicated. She is, at best, "sorta" into you—sorta into whatever you guys did, sorta into some idea that you're, who knows, maybe kinda sorta the type of dude she "should" be with, if only her head were on straight.

 

Or something. Doesn't matter. Yawn. She's in pure damsel mode—the least cute look for women—and her head's just spinning right now, stuck to her shoulders with a rubber band.

 

Here's where you learn to approach all this from a different angle, which is what do you want. Do you want a wishy-washy erratic princess who is hung up on an ex, feeling lamely guilty for desiring dudes who aren't you, asking you to soothe that guilt, to be there while she scratches itches she doesn't even understand? My suspicion is no, you don't want that. And so you see what she's offering—that—and you move along.

 

See what I'm saying? It doesn't even matter if she's "genuinely" unsure and still kinda wanting something, or if she "genuinely" is just not into you, because what she has to offer you—well, it flat-out sucks. It's a drain.

I see what you're saying. Thank you.

If she wanted to be with you, she would never risk losing you. Either way, don't allow yourself to be placed on a shelf, while she looks for a better offer.

You're better off bowing out now while you're ahead of the game.

My feel is that she is just not attracted to you and she cannot tell you because she can't be that "bad" person.

 

I was in a similar situation when I was young. This very nice guy I dated for a few weeks and he wanted a relationship with me, but I didn't feel sexual chemistry with him. So I acted cold with him and when he confronted me I made up excuses as to why I couldn't be in a relationship with him at the moment, busy, etc. It was all a lie , and I am not proud of that, I was immature then. I wanted to tell him I am not attracted to you but I was a chicken.

What do you suggest I do? I guess not responding at all is the number one thing. Would it be bad to tell her what you told me? That if she's afraid to tell me it's okay and it will only help me heal better?

What do you suggest I do? I guess not responding at all is the number one thing. Would it be bad to tell her what you told me? That if she's afraid to tell me it's okay and it will only help me heal better?

No, do not tell her what I told you, It was just an example of how some women operate

Last month I was dealing with a guy that was stringing me along, I got sick of waiting so I texted him basically I was moving on and wished him the best. You can see the thread I started in March. I was hurt, but free.

My advice is text her, offer an explanation if you want, but dont leave it open to rekindle. End it. Block her.

Tell her that you see her as more than a friend and so you cant stay in contact with her. Block her if necessary and go looking for some girl that is available. I know it sucks, but it will suck a lot less in a week.