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Thread: Men and orgasms....

  1. #1
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Men and orgasms....

    I feel a bit of shame for posting this question however I know it's better to talk about these things vs. holding them in.

    My bf and I have a fantastic sex life... hot, steamy, lots of chemistry and intimacy. My concern is that he doesn't always have an orgasm when we have sex... as he puts it "sometimes I can f%^ all night and not have one". He says it's something he has had to deal with throughout his life. He has zero issues getting aroused and staying that way, it's just the orgasm itself.

    He says it isn't me, that everything we do feels great and turns him on... he does communicate that it can be frustrating when he can't seem to just let go.

    I try and just listen and be loving and supportive, however I have this secret place in the back of my mind that it's somehow my fault and that there must be something I can do to fix it.

    I am sort of nervous about sharing this with my friends because I don't want it to get back to him that I brought this up... I know how sensitive these topics are... I also know that I need to get some objective feedback as it's definitely bothering me.. and to be clear it's not because I think there is something wrong with him, I guess I think there is something wrong with me... which I know isn't right but there it is anyway.

    Has anyone else been through this and have advice on how to deal with it from the partner's perspective?

  2. #2
    Silver Member Ziggy123's Avatar
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    This is definitely an issue with him, not with you. Maybe you could suggest he talk to a doctor? I know it is a very awkward topic.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Coily's Avatar
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    As a guy who has similar problems to your boyfriend I can definitely say it's not you.

    The big thing you can do is not let it go to your head, and don't make it a big deal in your sex life. An Ex of mine made it all about her, instead of understanding that it was me; she broke it off in part of that and it's made me hyper aware of my lack of ejaculation; which caused other sexual relationship problems down the road.

    I know for myself it's in part due to the bad masturbation habits I picked up after being single for about a decade, and having a high sex drive. So it's been difficult to deal with in relationships to let my GF understand that I need to learn our rhythm better and exclusively (no more just me) in order to achieve an orgasm. I will tell you as a guy it's humiliating having to bring that up.

    Again for emphasis it's not you, and it's not going to be helpful for him to be reminded of this issue often. The only suggestion I can think of is him abstaining from self stimulation, but that may require you to be more active in the near term.
    Last edited by Coily; 04-01-2019 at 11:50 AM. Reason: clarity

  4. #4
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    I'd bet $50 he just needs to quit watching porn. Literally can make all the difference in the world. I was the same way and it helped me. Relaying this information to him though could prove difficult as he likely won't want to.

    Most people don't even realize they are addicted. I sure didn't, until I realized how incredibly difficult it was to stop.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    He says it isn't me, that everything we do feels great and turns him on... he does communicate that it can be frustrating when he can't seem to just let go.
    What's the context of these conversations? Are you bringing up the fact he hasn't orgasmed? It's really up to him how fine he is with sometimes not having one. It's a common enough occurrence, though the roles typically being reversed, that a partner doesn't orgasm 100% of the time. You read the situation and stop trying to force a round peg into a square hole.

    My attitude toward what you should do depends on how this is playing out. If it's obvious that night just isn't his night, and you're finding yourself monotonously thrusting away for the sake of it, putting him in an awkward position to defend himself or reassure you, then learn to read the room, let go, and show him it's cool if sometimes this just happens. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it's more likely he'll cum more often if he's not worried about how you'll feel if he doesn't cum.

    But if he's not cumming and you've given him no reason to worry or talk about it, only for him to complain, then yeah, you can only listen so many times before you tell him there's not much you can do that a doctor can. However, I'd be very careful that you're not telling him to go for the sake of your own ego.

    And try not to talk to your friends about problems with your sex life. Coming here and taking advantage of the anonymity is one thing, but it's a pretty big violation of his privacy to be sharing these details with anyone who might ever come across him.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Further context...

    We don't spend every night together, usually 3 nights a week and one day on the weekend. We both have a high sex drive so when we are together it's happening at least twice a day, sometimes more. He orgasms probably around 70% of the time.

    He says he hasn't been masturbating, because he would much prefer that he orgasms when we are together... I don't know if he is watching porn when we aren't together or not but if he isn't self-stimulating then my guess is no.

    I never bring up the fact that he hasn't orgasm-ed, and have not brought up my own feelings with him around this, because I don't want to make it about me or have him worry that he has to reassure me. He initiates bringing up his feelings around it and when he does I just listen and behave in a reassuring way and ask if there is anything I can do.

    And try not to talk to your friends about problems with your sex life. Coming here and taking advantage of the anonymity is one thing, but it's a pretty big violation of his privacy to be sharing these details with anyone who might ever come across him.
    Thank you for this and this is just what I was thinking. I would hate it if he was talking about our sex life with any of his friends.


    I think it's possible that he really isn't aware of why he gets blocked... or it's possible that he is aware of why and doesn't want to share it with me just yet. Either way it helps to just come here and get some perspective so I can continue to be supportive and not take it personally.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    There is nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with him. All I see here is an awesome, steamy place to continue to enjoy and explore, together.

    I have plenty to say on this front, but I'll try (and likely fail) to keep it brief. Culturally and socially we're in an interesting time, where over the past, say, 20 years the glorious nuances of female sexuality are better understood and celebrated to the point where what were once taboo topics (women's orgasms, sex toys, etc.) are now (at least in the liberal circles I run in) the stuff of casual chatter among men and women over wine. Men, meanwhile, are still generally understood to be, well, cavemen: we're supposed to get erections at the mere possibility of sex and reach orgasm, without fail, every time—just hopefully not within, you know, ten seconds and not, you know, until the woman has had somewhere between one and fifty orgasms.

    All that amounts to two things: an extraordinary amount of pressure on men with zero open dialogue about our own intricacies, and a still pretty narrow understanding of what sex between a man and woman should be, meaning it is supposed to culminate with the man reaching orgasm—ideally the woman does as well, though that's a bit different. Maybe for the woman it is during—through the position that "works" or perhaps oral sex before or after the man "finishes." And, in a lot of ways, the female orgasm is still kind of optional—a sometimes elusive bonus, not as mandatory a stamp of "we've now had sex" as the man having an orgasm.

    Speaking for myself as a man, I don't have sex to reach orgasm, though I mostly (but not always) do. Nor do I have sex to ensure a woman reaches orgasm. I have sex to explore myself and my partner, to get a little lost, to forget where I end and she begins, to push the limits of vulnerability, to get increasingly comfortable being increasingly exposed—emotionally, physically—and to slowly, steamily build a wordless language with someone else while wearing no clothing. That's the heat, the sweet spot, the beginning and end goal. Orgasms come and go, or not—puns intended, because what's fun of all this if you can't giggle a bit?

    For what it's worth in understanding your own man and situation, for me when it comes to a new/newish partner (as you're in a new/newish relationship) I am far more interested in learning her, understanding her, and, yes, pleasing her than I am in "getting off" myself. That's my initial focus—her satisfaction more than my own. Not because I am the World's Most Sensitive Lover, but because it's simply incredibly vulnerable to hand over the reigns of my body to another, to totally "let go"—much harder, for me, than being emotionally or intellectually vulnerable over dinnertime chats, which comes more naturally since I'm expressive and decent with words. In that somewhat heightened state of attentiveness to another's physicality and physical needs, I may "close off" a bit at some subtle frequency, increasing my stamina to stay "in it" but making the surrender required for orgasm not always accessible.

    No orgasm, no biggie. I've had enough sex to feel confident that women can have a great, satisfying time without always reaching orgasm, or that a woman may not "get there" because she's feeling a little x or a little y that day or that week or that second; why can't the same be true for men? If that vulnerability can be celebrated—instead of being seen as problematic, or a knock to the partner's ego—there are so many wonderful places to go between the sheets and, odds are, plenty of orgasms being reached on all sides on the horizon.

    Oh, and 70 percent of the time at 2x day intervals? Sounds pretty dang great! I'd just keep enjoying the ride, the both of you, literally and figuratively.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. No need to create a problem that isn't really there. Why even discuss it? Sexual policing or score keeping is not a good idea. As mentioned it creates unnecessary stress, perhaps creating a vicious circle. Let it fly and relax.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    With the added info....he may have the drive, but his body may not have the production capacity to keep up with the drive so to speak. That doesn't make him sick and doesn't create any kind of medical issue. Basically, the person who is creating an issue out of normal human physiology is just you, OP. Do yourself a big favor and knock it off.

  11. #10
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    Is he taking any sex performance drugs? Has he taken in the past?

    I read that can have an effect on orgasming (or not).

    Also, the pressure to orgasm may be preventing him from having one.

    He's in his head too much, not able to relax.

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