Girlfriend has been acting distant

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years... she always calls, txts and wants to spend time with me..... this past Friday I noticed a shift in her energy.... Saturday came along and she asked me did I want to see a movie. I said yes and proceeded to get ready. I told her to let me know when she was on the way to my house, but she responds by saying that she’s going to hang out with her friend instead. She claimed she didn’t have the money to go out.. I told her I’d pay, but she still decided to hang with her friend and help out with her baby... we didn’t talk the rest of Saturday and we barley talked Sunday... to me this is odd... she usually invites me to stay with her Sunday nights, but she didn’t reach out at all... should I ask her what’s up, or become distant myself.... clearly something is bothering her.....

Open the lines of communication and ask her if there is something on her mind.

Be direct, be open minded, be secure in yourself and

Ask!

You will be an effective partner, when you are direct with your communication, and when you communicate your needs.

Example, I was disappointed that we didn't see each other last weekend. At first I stepped back because I didn't want to ask you out after you asked me to the movies but then changed your mind. Now that time has passed, I would like you to know that i missed being with you, and that I would like to see you. Are you interested in going on a walk this Thursday night after work?

Practice thinking in terms of " next action steps". It will help you become less passive and more effective.

Talk to her! How do you expect to find out if there is a problem if you dont ask?

I wouldn't. It really depends on your peace of mind and whether you're there. I'd be just at peace not communicating with such a nitwit. It was irresponsible for her to do what she did or flake out at the last minute. If anything, she owes you an apology and an explanation beyond the lousy one she gave you. If that really was her reason for flaking out, I hardly think she deserves anything from you at all. You do not need to chase after her for answers if you don't want to. I'd simply let it fade, stop returning her calls or texts completely and if she texts/calls you, let it go unanswered for a week or so and then tell her it's over when you feel like it.

Be direct, be open minded, be secure in yourself and

 

Ask!

 

You will be an effective partner, when you are direct with your communication, and when you communicate your needs.

 

Example, I was disappointed that we didn't see each other last weekend. At first I stepped back because I didn't want to ask you out after you asked me to the movies but then changed your mind. Now that time has passed, I would like you to know that i missed being with you, and that I would like to see you. Are you interested in going on a walk this Thursday night after work?

 

Practice thinking in terms of " next action steps". It will help you become less passive and more effective.

To Rose's point: Notice my suggestion does not chase her for an explanation. Given your three years together, its worth it to take action to get on her calendar. Going on a walk facilitates conversation.

If she doesn't bring it up, you can by saying It was unusual and something she wouldn't normally do, and so while you had your own feelings about, you also knew she must have been feeling something in order for her to make a plan and then change her mind. That you may need her to tell you because you want to get it right, you want to understand.

If you think the relationship is worth saving, you need to call her and ask what the problem is. If she gives you vague answers, you probably need to just fade her out of your life.

How old are you two? The only thing you talk about is all of her efforts toward the relationship, and never once mention yours. One can only guess what her change of behavior is. Did she complain to her friend that she's the only one to reach out to you and it's a one-sided relationship and her friend said, "Yeah. Come hang out with me. Let him know what it feels like to be without you and maybe he'll start making some effort."

I don't know, because you don't give enough info. Even if you think you're making equal effort, maybe she doesn't think so. In person, have a heart-to-heart discussion and ask what she would like to happen to improve the relationship. Listen. Don't give excuses. If you care, adopt her ideas if they are reasonable. Ask for what you want in return.

Have you let the relationship get stale? If so, search the internet for innovative ideas on how to add new sparks to the relationship.

How is the relationship progressing? Any timelines for moving in together or marriage? If you don't even feel comfortable having discussions about the relationship by asking her what's going on, is the relationship on as strong of a foundation as it should be? If not, you have work to do. Take care and let us know how it goes.

I’m 29.. she’s 28..... she has been complaining about my effort in the relationship, but I have been trying to do better.... I went to stop by her house to get my medicine I left there..... she changed the locks...... this is crazy

I’m 29.. she’s 28..... she has been complaining about my effort in the relationship, but I have been trying to do better.... I went to stop by her house to get my medicine I left there..... she changed the locks...... this is crazy

Let it go, bud. She's sending a clear sign. I don't know the exact details of your relationship but she obviously doesn't want to continue any contact with you.

Definitely communicate with her. Pulling back and putting up walls won't help you figure out what the problem is or let her know how her behavior is impacting you.

I’m 29.. she’s 28..... she has been complaining about my effort in the relationship, but I have been trying to do better.... I went to stop by her house to get my medicine I left there..... she changed the locks...... this is crazy

Your effort was to RECEIVE HER call on Friday, and to agree to plans SHE made. She hit the wall,felt overinvested, unappreciated and unheard, and gave up.

When you want to see someone, make it known early in the week.

Maybe her friend really needed help. That's happened to me before I hate to cancel on person I wouldn't do it. Or maybe she didn't feel good out of no where it can happen.

Let it go, bud. She's sending a clear sign. I don't know the exact details of your relationship but she obviously doesn't want to continue any contact with you.

Your effort was to RECEIVE HER call on Friday, and to agree to plans SHE made. She hit the wall,felt overinvested, unappreciated and unheard, and gave up.

 

When you want to see someone, make it known early in the week.

What are you talking about?... she made plans.. I agreed to go... I got ready and she canceled...

.... yea I’m done... she can contact me when she’s ready

Good for you. You deserve better. Have some ice cream, man. It's a nice day outside (where I am anyway). Forget all this.

She's cheating.

I’m 29.. she’s 28..... she has been complaining about my effort in the relationship, but I have been trying to do better.... I went to stop by her house to get my medicine I left there..... she changed the locks...... this is crazy

Well I think it's pretty clear she's angry with you about something. Lack of effort, may be other things on top of that.

Simply flaking and changing locks is extremely immature though after three years, geez.

Given that, I'd probably assume it's over, she ghosted.

Pretty crappy thing to do, you just never know someone I guess.

Just curious, but how were you lacking in effort? You owned it, said you're "trying" to do better, what does this mean? You're "trying" to do better.

Can you clarify?

Not justifying her changing locks and ghosting, that is really poor.

What has she talked about? What are you specifically trying to improve? How have you made steps to improve it? Is there any reason she should feel the relationship is better?

Your comment re: waiting for her to get in touch may just be proving a point. I think YOU need to reach out here.

Ask her what's up, don't play mind games by becoming distant, too. Communicate clearly from both sides in order to prevent guessing. Ask her what is bothering her or if there is something that needs to be discussed. Always be in lockstep and on the same page so both sides are clear.

Hmmm.

Something tells me there are some large parts of this story missing.

That said, the fact that you are so quick to turn this into a game, and she's so quick to change the locks, speaks to a deeply entrenched dynamic in which, as a couple, you guys handle conflict in a corrosive manner.

Whether you talk again or not—and I'm sure you will—maybe this is a wake up call for both of you to ask if this relationship has run its course.

What are you talking about?... she made plans.. I agreed to go... I got ready and she canceled...

I don't call that effort, on your part.

Her behavior is something we can discuss with her, but she isn't here. You are. You mentioned her desire to see more effort from you and that you were improving.

My point is, there was no effort from you - she initiated, she planned. She waited to the last minute to give you a chance to do the work. You didn't.

You accepted her invite. That does not count as effort.

I wonder what the advice would be if OP had been a woman and her bf broke a date last minute, ignored her texts and suddenly changed his locks.

Would the advice still be for her to essentially chase him down seeking answers?

I wouldn't have advised that just as I don't advise it here.

Regardless of their issues, her behaviour (ignoring, changing locks) is extremely poor, especially after dating three years.

Chasing her down asking her what's wrong is condoning that poor behaviour, I wouldn't recommend it.

If she didn't feel he was making enough effort, she should have communicated that to him like a mature adult, and/or ended the relationship in a respectful way.

I don't call that effort, on your part.

 

Her behavior is something we can discuss with her, but she isn't here. You are. You mentioned her desire to see more effort from you and that you were improving.

 

My point is, there was no effort from you - she initiated, she planned. She waited to the last minute to give you a chance to do the work. You didn't.

 

You accepted her invite. That does not count as effort.

ICA can you clarify what you meant when you said she was waiting for him to do the "work"?

They've been dating three years, they made a plan to go to the movies.

Ok she initiated the movie idea, but after three years, I hardly think it matters much who initiates what idea. They're in this together.

She suddenly cancelled last minute, ignored his texts and changed her locks.

Surely there are better, more respectful ways to communicate her unhappiness (if that's what this is about) other than ignoring and changing locks, don't you think?

If HE had done that, I would venture to guess the advice would be much different.

She did express she wanted him to put more effort in.

There’s more to the story than he’s telling us, I think.